Between Us
by Nuttyginger
Summary: He was the same and different all in one body. The boy I had once loved had turned into a man...temptation in a tie, had swagger for days...and a curious British lilt that makes my insides tumble. Could we ever be what we were or am I just completely screwed? AH, ExB
1. Blast From The Past

**Disclaimer for Story:** All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author (that would be ME). No copyright infringement is intended.

Well well well, my first true multi-chapter story in over a year. Let's get on with it shall we?

* * *

**Between Us**

**Chapter One**

Have you ever woken up one morning with a sense of foreboding? I had that feeling today, and I knew I should have called in sick, turned back over, and gone back to sleep, hoping that when I woke up tomorrow the feeling would be gone. Common sense and self-preservation had never been my strong points.

Plus, it was a Monday morning, bad things always happened on Mondays. More people have heart attacks and are in car crashes on a Monday than any other day of the week.

I didn't wake to the jarring rooster crow of my cell phone alarm. Instead, I woke naturally, lazily stretching until my brain caught up with my body, and I realized, in a panic, I was due at work in twenty minutes. On top of the time I needed to dress, I still had a thirty-minute drive from the city.

I finally got into the office at nine fifteen. Emily, my assistant, looked me up and down and raised an eyebrow at my unusual, less put together, appearance.

"So is this a walk of shame from Friday or did you get dragged backwards through a hedge?"

"A walk of shame would imply that I'd done something shameful. Sadly, I was home alone all weekend. My alarm didn't go off. Do I look that bad?"

I ran a hand through my damp hair. It was going to be a nightmare when it finally dried.

"Here," she handed me some bobby pins and lip gloss, "A French twist should hide the worst of it, add a little lip shine and you should be good to go."

I inherited Emily from the previous Senior Project Manager about a year ago; she really was a lifesaver.

Thankfully, today's conference call was scheduled for ten, our time, rather than usual seven am when the New York office schedules them.

Emily buzzed into my office followed by a heavenly scent of coffee bean. I loved this girl.

"I come bearing coffee. Something tells me you didn't have a chance to grab some this morning. We have a copy of your schedule today. Here are the papers you need for your one o'clock, and the note summary of the two-thirty that you gave me on Friday are all typed and sent to your iPad. I'll patch through your conference call when it's ready. Anything else?"

"Nope." I sniffed the coffee appreciatively. "Oh, hold on. Have you heard anything about the project manager that they are bringing in from London for the Volturi move? You hear all the gossip."

Emily sat down at the chair in front of me, her eyes wide with intrigue. "It's really weird, there's not much on this guy. He's a shark; landing the Volturi account pretty much put him in the 'boy wonder' category and pushed him up to Senior Project Manager at twenty six." Emily turned her head towards her desk, outside my door. "That's the phone, gotta go."

It was only after she disappeared that I remembered my most important question: his name. Nowhere in the documents that Garrett had given me was this boy wonder's name. It was all company info and project details. I guess I would find out soon enough - Garrett was my two-thirty after all.

The conference call came and went. I gave my report and then hit the mute button, only contributing when I had to. Instead, I battled to get through some outstanding paperwork. After the usual mumblings from Head Office about the need to keep on target despite the downturn, I was free to hang up.

My morning passed quickly, although I managed to lose two sets of budget files, which took IT some time to find the back-ups. I really needed the files and had to move on to other work. I could tell by lunchtime that I was going to be in the office after hours.

I didn't even realize the time until Emily's head popping around my open door.

"You ready for lunch, boss?"

"I can't, I still have these appraisals to finish and the team end of month numbers to look over, not to mention this mystery meeting with Garrett at two-thirty."

"Oh come on, Bella, you have to eat. You didn't get breakfast this morning."

You would think Emily was my mother, not my assistant.

"Yeah Bella, you have to eat," Lauren jokingly mocked, her head appearing beside Emily's.

"What is this? A tag-team effort?"

"Nope, it's an intervention. You need to eat and we need a gossip session."

I conceded with a playful huff and locked down my computer. As I left the office and made my way over to Emily's desk to wait for her and Lauren, two men moved past me with boxes and disappeared into the vacant office beside mine.

"So, what do you feel like for lunch?" Lauren asked Emily and me.

"How about Rembrandt's?" Emily suggested - as if there was any other choice.

We went to Rembrandt's every day. It was a couple of blocks away from the office, and their menu changed every week. I'd worked at Rembrandt's while I was at UDub, completing my bachelors. I was one of the owner's favorites, although thankfully he'd stopped trying to convince me to marry his son.

Lunch passed with gossip from the previous Friday night, where Lauren confessed that she'd hooked up with the guy I'd spotted her chatting to at the bar, but swore blind she hadn't gone home with him. They had a first date brunch on Sunday.

I envied her excitement. It'd been a while since I'd been out on a date… a while, as in months. The problem was that I worked long hours and was really committed to my job. I only really let loose on a Friday night and used my weekends to do errands and take time for me.

Emily and I bade farewell to Lauren in the lobby and headed up to the office. If I was taking on this new project, I needed to start delegating some of the less senior Project Officers. I had a great team that I trusted, and to be honest, I was looking forward to working with the Brit…well, I assumed he was a Brit. Right now, I was imaging Mr. Darcy, reading Shakespeare and drinking a cup of tea.

I lost myself in writing up a report on some property renovations I'd managed when my phone rang beside me. I could see from the indicator that it hadn't come in via Emily, so it could only be one of very few people, most of whom were related to me.

"Hello, Bella Swan."

"Bella, it's your dad."

I smiled at my dad's gruff tone. He never usually called me at work; in fact I could count on one hand the amount of times he'd called.

"Hi, Charlie. What's up?"

"I'm sorry to call you, but Leah wouldn't stop buzzing in my ear. She's checking what time you will be coming up on Friday."

Ah, Leah Clearwater, my stepsister… also known as Bridezilla for the last six months. Ever since she'd asked me to stand up with her and be her maid of honor, Leah had been all wedding, wedding, wedding. She was marrying my best friend, Jacob Black. I was also Jacob's best man… well, woman. Thank God the wedding was the coming weekend, after which I would be free from nagging phone calls at five in the morning and getting frowned at because I didn't know what a Calla lily was.

"Um, I'm taking a half day on Friday, so I should be in Forks for around dinner time. I'll call Leah when I get home tonight with the details. So you're getting dragged into the festivities too, huh?"

"Yep."

"Managed to talk her down from a tuxedo yet?"

"Yep. Jacob and I joined forces and now we're both in smart suits."

I chuckled. Guaranteed, that would be the last suit that Charlie would ever wear.

"That has to be the coup of the year. Well done. I'm still okay to stay with you and Sue?"

"Always. Well, I'll let Leah know that you'll call her tonight and let you get back to work. See you soon, kiddo."

"Bye, Dad."

I put the phone down and turned back to my computer.

"Bella! What are you still doing here?" Emily asked through the intercom.

"Looking at costing reports last time I looked, why?"

"Its two forty. You have a meeting with Garrett and the new guy."

"Fuck!"

"Yeah, pretty much."

I grabbed my iPad and my suit jacket before walking briskly to the conference room. Garrett was sitting at the long boardroom table, a steaming cup of coffee in front of him and papers spread out. Garrett was old-school.

"Sorry I'm late. Couldn't get off the phone," I fibbed.

I looked around the table. Garrett was alone.

"So where is the new boy wonder?"

"A hold-up down in HR. Irina rambled something about ID cards and hair. Who knows?" He rolled his eyes. "Anyway, he's on his way up. Did you read the info pack on Volturi?"

I tapped my still closed iPad cover in front of me. "Sure."

I rattled through the facts and figures until I came to the important stuff. "Volturi, so far don't have a US head office, only satellite offices. Now, they want to develop one in Seattle…it's becoming a popular city for big business. Our London office handles Volturi's main portfolio and head operational development, so we'll take on the US portfolio after the head office is established."

Garrett smiled at me. "Efficient as always, Bella. That's the main reason that you are on this. I know you have several new accounts to settle in lately…are you sure that you will have the time to take this on? Lots of late nights and long hours."

"Come on, Garrett, this is me we are talking about. I wouldn't have said yes if I couldn't handle it. Anyway, it's not like the long hours are alien to me."

"Okay, if you're sure."

Garrett's concern touched me. He'd been my mentor when I first started at MacKenzie Brown; he knew how capable I was.

The conference door opened, and our heads both swiveled towards it.

In that instant, I knew that I _really_ should have stayed in bed. If I had, this moment might never have happened, and _he_ might have never walked back into my life.

"Ah good, you've made it out of HR. Bella, I would like you to meet…"

"Edward," I breathed.

"Bella."

And just like that, a blast from my not-so-distant past walked through the door and back into my life.

* * *

**Author Note: **For the first time ever i have a list of people to thank for helping get Between Us off the ground, and talking me down from the ledge plenty of times. Firstly, My pre-reader, Mallory, and beta, EvilPumpkin from over at Sparkly Red Pen. They do an awesome job and have actually agreed to stick with me to the end (nuts i tell you). Also to Adri (One of Eddie's Girls) who came aboard when i was farting around with this and said...POST IT! Finally, thank you to Twilly and Kikki7...there is not enough words in the word to thank you guys for what you do for me. You prop me up, crack me up and make me feel so loved and one of the fandom. I FLOVE you guys!

PLEASE PLEASE - i'm not too proud to beg - sign in and review, tell me what you think. I serious need to know i've i've found my mojo again. Teases for the next chapter to those who review - i'm not to proud to bribe either!

See you same time next week! - Nutty


	2. How I Met Your Brother

_But if you could set aside one day_  
_That I could hold forever_  
_I would save the day that I met you_

_Is it still magic although we've grown worlds apart_  
_It seem so tragic, so frail the heart_

_One painful morning, I stared straight into the sun_  
_It overwhelmed me, I came undone_

_**Lillian Axe - The Day I Met You**_

******Chapter Two - How I Met Your Brother**

I'd been a shy, lonely teenager, fresh out of Phoenix, when Edward Cullen walked into my life. Well, actually, Alice Cullen walked into my life; Edward had come as part of the package.

I'd moved to Forks, late in the summer of 1999, to live with my dad, Charlie. My recently-married mom had decided to join my new step-father, Phil, on the road as he played minor league baseball around the country. It wasn't a fair deal. She got to go and follow her husband, and I got to leave the sun and heat behind to live in damp, cloudy Forks with a man I barely knew. My mom and Charlie separated when I was two, and I'd only seen him sporadically in the years between then and now.

_As was fitting for my not-so-voluntary move, we arrived at the house in Forks under a cloud of drizzle. The house hadn't changed in the eight years since I'd last seen it. There were the same blue shutters, now paled and peeling, and the wrap-around porch where I used to sit listening to my dad and Billy Black swapping fishing tales and stories from their younger years. Now I was back for good, and this would be my home for the next two years until I left for college._

_As we pulled up into the school parking lot, everyone turned to stare at Charlie's police cruiser. If they hadn't already known the Chief's daughter was back in town, they did now. At least Charlie had let me sit up front, after a stare-down argument earlier.__I made it through my morning classes, and psyched myself up to sit in the cafeteria for lunch. Nothing screamed 'goldfish bowl' _ _like being the new kid sitting alone in a small town cafeteria__. I grabbed my lunch and picked a table in the corner of the room. Hoping to fade into invisibility behind my long hair and a good book, I sat, and never looked up. _

"_Hi," a small voice said above me._

_I looked up to find a petite girl, around my age, putting her lunch tray down and sitting opposite me at the round table._

"_I'm Alice Cullen." She stuck her hand out straight in front of her._

_I looked at it, and then at her and back to her hand. She was serious. _

"_Bella Swan," I muttered while shaking her hand gently._

"_So you are the Chief's long lost daughter."_

_Ten points for observation there, pixie._

"_Yep."_

"_Hey, Alice." _

_More people joined us. Alice introduced them as Angela and Ben, Mike, and his girlfriend, Jessica. Everyone seemed friendly enough - well, Jessica was slightly guarded, but it was nice to feel surrounded by people. __In Phoenix, I could have counted the people in my circle of friends on one hand._

_Alice took charge of the conversation, sensing after a few one-worded answers from me that I didn't like being the center of attention. I could see that everyone at the table was curious, but thankfully, they didn't treat me like a shiny new toy._

_The lunch bell rang and everyone left the room with promises of seeing each other later. Alice slid her arm into mine. What are you doing tonight?"_

"_Um, Charlie is working the late shift, so I will probably be rattling around the house and doing homework." _

"_You should come to dinner at my house tonight. You can meet the rest of my family."_

"_Your mom won't mind?"_

"_Nope, trust me. She always makes way too much, and when you meet Emmett, you will see why."_

"_Okay, I'll come over. Oh, I can't. I don't have my own car yet, and I don't think Charlie will let me borrow the cruiser."_

"_No problem, come over straight from school. Call the station and__let your dad know. The only bonus of living in a small town is that everyone knows everyone. Your dad knows my dad, so it will be cool."_

And just like that, I'd my first friend in Forks.

x-x-x-x

As Alice pulled up to the Cullen house, I flung myself from the car. Alice drove her car like a NASCAR driver: Hard, fast, without slowing up for those tight corners. She was one of the first in our year to get her license, she took great pride in telling me, but it either had to have been a fluke or the result of a suicidal examiner.

The Cullens lived in a grand, contemporary house of glass and timber that was set a quarter of a mile off the main highway. Walking inside, I assumed that the interior would be all smooth lines and clinical paint, but it felt homey. Esme welcomed me into her home with open arms – literally - and in time it became my second home. Six months after my first visit, she thanked me for restoring the gender balance to her house, and handed me a key to the front door.

Alice's brothers, Emmett and Edward, weren't at dinner that night, but it wasn't long before I met them both.

Emmett was first. A week after I started at Forks High, he was home from college. After a brief introduction from Alice, Emmett shook my hand and then pulled me into a hug that swept me off my feet, spinning me around in a circle. Emmett, from that day after, became my partner in crime for all things naughty and prank-like. Just because he was at college, didn't mean he had severed ties with his inner child; it was alive and demanding attention.

Edward was a different story altogether…

"_So, Bella, are you up for Mike's party?"_

_I was dreaming, off in a world of my own. It had been a week since I started Forks High, and Mike's party was the first of the year, post-Labor Day break. I hadn't exactly been a social butterfly_ _back in Phoenix, and loud parties weren't really my thing. _

"_I don't know…"_

"_Oh, come on, Bella. It will great for you to meet people, and Mike throws the best parties," Alice chipped in._

"_Yeah, you should totally come. There is no way the Chief will bust it up if his daughter's there. He won't want the ribbing from his deputies about busting his own daughter," Mike joined in. _

_I looked around the table at all the expectant faces. A smile graced my face as everyone's eyes pleaded me to say yes. "Sure, why not?"_

_Alice clapped her hands beside me before pulling me into a clumsy one-armed hug. I couldn't help but giggle with her until she muttered the immortal words…"You so have to let me dress you."_

_With the pit of doom that had settled in my stomach, I never heard the hush that descended on the table. _

"_Oh hey, Edward. What's up?"_

_I glanced up at the tall boy standing by Alice. If Alice hadn't said his name there was no way I would have pegged this guy as Alice's sibling. Edward definitely took after his mother's side of the family. He had Esme's delicate features, but there was only a slight touch of femininity__about him. He was beyond handsome. He was beautiful. And his hair! He was all about the hair! You could see he had at least attempted to make some sense of his mop, but it still looked like he had just crawled out of bed after being thoroughly fucked. I continued to stare, subtly trying to check him out. _

"_Bella, Bella." Alice all but thumped me in the side with her elbow. _

"_There you are. Where'd you go?"_

"_Huh?"_

"_You were miles away, again. I was trying to introduce you to my other brother, Edward." She motioned with her hand towards the freshly tussled deity. "Edward, Bella Swan. New girl, Chief's daughter and my new BFF."_

_Edward smiled down at me, his eyes dancing in merriment. I wanted to slap myself. I was starting to sound like a really bad Harlequin novel. _

"_Wow, that is a lot to live up to. Nice to meet you Bella Swan." _

_He stuck out his hand for me to shake._

_I couldn't take my eyes off him as his palm met mine. It was different from every other handshake I'd partaken in;_ _my father, the __principal__, and Alice's dad, Carlisle. This hand was warm, all encompassing, and just slightly damp. It felt safe; I felt protected. _

And so started my first crush…on my best friend's brother. I was such a cliché.

Alice and I became inseparable. I spent a lot of nights sleeping over at the Cullen house. They made me one of the family…only Edward never treated me like I was his little sister. There was the times I would catch him staring at me, lurking in door frames when Alice and I sat gossiping. Our hands would brush when we passed each other in the halls at school and we would link pinkies if we stood together in the lunch line or sat beside each other at the Cullen breakfast bar. It never went any further.

Edward ran in popular circles at school, but he fit into the other stereotypes as well. With his popular circle came, what Alice and I would term, Eddie's Girls. They were a gaggle of girls that would flock around Edward and his baseball-playing cronies. There was one who was a constant, though, Victoria. Alice swore she wasn't his girlfriend, but she was around the Cullens a lot, and I caught them kissing on the back porch one time. Victoria didn't like me, but Alice assured me that whatever they were wouldn't last long because Edward was going to college.

The winter weather dragged and dragged. For a Phoenix girl like me, it was borderline hell. The only things that kept me going were my sheepskin-lined snow boots, and my dad's awesome ability to build a fire.

Thanksgiving had passed surprisingly quickly. It was wonderful to sit down to a traditional dinner. Esme invited Charlie and I to join the Cullen family. Charlie even made the effort by putting on a button-down shirt, but drew a line firmly at a tie. Carlisle and Esme did the whole kit and caboodle: holding hands for grace, standing up and saying what you were thankful for. I shed a tear when Charlie said he was thankful that 'his little girl was back with him'.

Christmas and New Year passed in much the same way, and before I knew it, I was back at school. The seniors were under stress, and I barely saw Edward for college applications and his new found sense of freedom now that graduation was in his sights. I watched as Eddie's Girls continued to fawn over him; Victoria had long fallen out of favor and Edward was 'keeping his options open'. We still linked pinkies, and he still watched me from doorways, but it still went no further. I had to start distancing myself from him. I needed to guard my heart from getting hurt, and Edward was heading off to college in the fall.

Carlisle talked of his own alma mater, Dartmouth, but Edward wanted to stay on the West Coast and was looking at UCLA and UDub. I closed my eyes and put my hands over my ears. I didn't want to think of him going to college, and I certainly didn't even want to contemplate that in just twelve months I would have to be making these kinds of decisions.

The day he started to get those thick envelopes in the mail, three weeks after Christmas, felt like the day my very small world started to crumble.

"_Bella, Bella, wake up!"_

_Alice was jumping up and down at the foot of the fold-out bed the Cullens had installed for me. _

"_Whoa. Alice, what the fuck?" I rolled over, pulling the comforter with me._

"_Get. Up. Bella. They are screaming downstairs."_

_Ever the cop's daughter, I was up in a flash. Screaming! Screaming was bad._

_As I woke more I could hear it for myself. It wasn't screaming, it was squealing, followed by laughter._

_Alice yanked me from the bed and ran with me, pulling me down the hallway by the hand. I managed to pull free just as we got to the top of the stairs. Knowing my luck, I would go ass over elbow and then there really would be high-pitched screams of my own pain being heard._

_At the bottom of the stairs, I watched as Carlisle jumped around the open plan kitchen, a piece of paper clutched in his hands. Esme's hands were framing Edward's face, and she was placing kisses all over his face._

"_What's going on, Mom?" Alice asked, wiping sleep from her eyes. _

"_He got in, he got in!" Carlisle crowed, waving a letter in front of Alice's face. "Your brother is one smart cookie." _

_Alice grabbed the letter from her dad._

"_Dear Mr. Cullen,_

_We are pleased to inform you of your acceptance in to the pre-med program at the Dartmouth University…"_

_The rest of the letter faded into squeals as Alice began jumping up and down, before throwing her arms around my neck and making me jump up and down with her. She moved to grab more envelopes from the kitchen island. _

"_Hey, there is one from, the University of Washington…and Harvard. You're one popular boy, Eddie," Alice sing-songed._

_I tried to be happy, I tried to smile and squeal too, but I just couldn't. Esme finally let go of Edward's face to hug Alice, and he turned to me. Our eyes meet across the breakfast bar, and his smile dropped too. In that look, he realized what I have known since Christmas._

_We were out of time._

* * *

**I know it's the cliche author thing to say but I mean it from the bottom of my sleep-deprived heart - the response to the first chapter overwhelmed me and kept me going through a rollercoaster week! You guys seriously rock!**

**Thanks as always go to EvilPumpkin who owns a part of this story in her comma correction and just outright awesomeness. I am very lucky to have her! To Malloryknoxx rocks (i have wanted to say that for soooo long :o)) and her 'did you mean...' comments when my inner-Brit kicks in; i'm teaching her a second language. To Twilly, Adri, Jess Molly and Kikki7...there are no words for you guys - i couldn't do it without you!**

**Teasers out on the Fictionators on Tuesday...also in reviews, so sign-in and leave me a word or two...**

**Question: How did you met the love of your life? Amazon sent mine...he's called Kindle...gives me love every time i slide that switch...!**


	3. No Fucking Way

**Dedicated to all my fellow Australia-residing country people...summer is nearly here peeps!**

* * *

_Madam Tequila's a fine senoriata_  
_All my compadres concur_  
_She won't lie, she won't leave in your hour of need_  
_So we're raising our glasses to her_

**_Kenny Chesney - Tequila Loves Me_**

**Chapter Three - No. Fucking. Way**

As I pushed open the door to my apartment, the high hopes that my personal space would bring me some form of peace were dashed. My brain was still racing at a hundred miles an hour, but going nowhere fast. I couldn't even pinpoint specific thoughts, or what they related to.

I dumped my purse and satchel on the floor, and then toed off my shoes. Ginger—my man-hating rescue tabby—curled herself around my legs and purred like my old Chevy truck.

"Okay, G, I see you. You wanna get fed, huh?" She tossed her head from side to side. "Food?"

And just like that, she was off. Ginger recognizes four words in the English dictionary. _Food. No. Get off._ Nothing else registers...even 'get off' has mixed results. Regardless of her indifference to me, I love her. Life is a little less lonely when you have someone to come home to…even if that someone is of the four-legged variety, rather than the three.

I dumped Ginger's food in a bowl, and she dove in as if she was starved to the point of malnutrition. I, on the other hand, didn't even bother with dinner. Instead, I grabbed a packet of chips, a large glass, and a bottle of wine from the rack. _Ah, a 2009 Pinot Noir. Very nice_. I parked myself on the couch with an extremely generous glass of wine. What a clusterfuck today had been.

After Garrett had re-introduced us, I put on my best professional—i.e. fake—smile and offered my hand to Edward. He stared at it for a second or two before taking it in his. I was surprised that the whimper that crawled up my throat hadn't escaped as I felt his palm touch mine. It'd been exactly how I had remembered it, only my memories didn't do it justice. There was a change too. His grip was firmer and not as caressing, more like the handshake of a confident man.

"_Ah, Bel…Ms. Swan, what an unexpected surprise."_

_His handshake wasn't the only thing that had changed. His accent had picked up a subtle British elocution that blended seamlessly with his West Coast twang. It made him sound very self-assured, even verging on smug. His trademark half smile didn't help this__.__ That, at least hadn't, changed._

"_This isn't going to be awkward is it?" Garrett asked, __his forehead puckered as his brows bumped together.__._

"_No, not at all." __I respond, waving him off as I mentally shake myself._

"_Of course not. It's been a long time since Ms. Swan and I saw each other. Any hard feelings have long fallen by the wayside." _

_Hard feelings? What now? There were no hard feelings. We'd parted without a cross word between us. It'd all been very amicable. Too amicable._

_I remembered that his hand is still in mine and I drop it quickly. "Take a seat Mr…ah…" Fuck, what'd one call their ex-boyfriend slash new work colleague?_

"_Edward is fine, Bella." I could see the laughter dance in his eyes at my discomfort._

"_Isabella." _

_God, I was a bitch! _

"_Right. Now that introductions are out of the way, we can talk logistics. First off Edward, your move here was quite last minute so we're still finishing your office. For now, Isabella…" Garrett emphasized my name and stared pointedly. "…you and Edward can share. A desk will be in her office tomorrow and you can also share her assistant until you hire one of your own from the pool."_

_Oh no, he didn't. Surely there was a broom closet three floors away that they could put him in for now. __And Hell would freeze over before I shared Emily with him__. Fuck letting the past slide; Emily was mine._

"_Any objections, Isabella?" Garrett threw me a wry smile as he said my full name._

_I sucked it up. "No, boss. I'll have Emily clear some space and compile resumes of the PAs we have on rotation."_

_At the end of the meeting, Edward headed down to meet with legal for a brief lesson in American business law before he went home to try and get some rest as the jet lag set in. When he left the room, Garrett motioned for me to sit back down. My shoulders sagged, and I knew the Spanish Inquisition was coming._

"_So, Isabella, What's the story?"_

"_Okay, knock off the name thing. You can call me Bella, you always have."_

"_Do I have anything to be worried about?"_

"_No, Garrett. It was a perfectly peaceful split. No great scandals or love children hidden in the closet. There weren't even any arguments, so I don't see why there would be any problems. It's been seven years since Edward and I split up and it's water under the bridge."_

_Oh, if only I could believe my own words. If the thrill that shot through me before my stomach dropped in dread when Edward had walked into the room was anything to go by, there was no water flowing under our bridge for me._

"_So, are you going to share?"_

"_There's nothing much to tell," I lied. "College and adult responsibilities were too much for us, so we split up. I went to do my MBA and he stayed behind to start a new job. End of story."_

_If only._

"_Okay, if you say so. You'll come to see me if this office-sharing gets to be too much for you?"_

_I nodded, knowing I wouldn't be taking him up on his offer. _

I left the office after the meeting to grab a coffee. I needed a time out to gather my thoughts after being sideswiped by Edward's appearance. My feelings were all over the place. I flew from utter disbelief that he was back in my life to feeling the ache in my heart—where I would always have room for him. Mostly, it was just sadness that overcame me; a sadness for what had been. By the time my coffee had turned cold, I was mostly under control—well, at least the professional side.

I would walk into the office that I now shared with my ex, and I would put on the best game face I could. I would work harder than I'd ever worked. He would be back in good old Blighty before I knew it.

He would leave and life would go back to normal. It would be as if he'd never been here. I'd spent seven years trying to put Edward Cullen in my past. I wouldn't let him back in to stomp all over my future. There were no pictures of him in my apartment. In fact, there were no pictures of any of the Cullens in my apartment. Out of sight, but never out of mind.

I put down my glass of wine and headed into my room to strip out of my suit. I pulled on an oversized hoodie and yoga pants, despite the fact it was summer. The stripped timber floors were cold against my feet. It was ridiculous; it was only Monday and I was already wishing for Friday.

I was only half way through my glass of wine when my phone began to ring. This wasn't unusual as my cell was always diverted from the office during non-working hours.

"Hello, Bella Swan speaking."

"BELLLLLLLA." An all-to-familiar voice slurred through the phone.

Angela.

"Well hello there. I'm guessing you're the tipsy side of drunk?"

My best friend, the lightweight.

"Of course not, Bellaboo. I'm perfectly in control of my liquor." The hiccup at the end of her sentence proved otherwise.

"What can I do for you, Ang?"

"Come out and join us."

"Ang, I've just settled on the couch with a glass of wine."

"So?"

"I'm in yoga pants and a hoodie."

"So, just throw on some jeans and a shirt. You can even wear your Chucks. Come on, Bella. A case of mine settled today and we're celebrating. We're down at Malone's, and you live three blocks away. Come on, Bella, count them with me. One. Two. Three. _Please_**,** Bella."

I knew the begging could go on for hours once she'd made up her mind. She reminded me so much of Alice sometimes. I felt a pang for the friend I hadn't seen in seven years.

"Okay Ang, okay. No need to grovel. I'll see you in half an hour."

I hauled myself off the couch to get changed.

When I arrived at Malone's, Ang was three sheets to the wind. I watched her, smiling to myself. She'd certainly changed since high school. Her shy exterior had taken a back seat and she'd become more outgoing. Being a high-flying lawyer had helped. You can't shout _objection, your Honor_ in a meek voice and expect to get it. One thing that'd made my transition back to Seattle less daunting was meeting Angela again.

_I'd been back in Seattle for a week, and I was still looking over my shoulder. It was ridiculous really. _

_I'd left Seattle two years prior, and I knew Edward was long gone. He'd left Seattle not long after I had. When I'd been offered the job at MacKenzie Brown, I asked Charlie to snoop around in Forks. Esme and Carlisle still lived in Forks—well, Esme and Carlisle did—and Charlie still came across Carlisle in a professional capacity. I don't know what was he'd asked, but Charlie reported back that Alice was still living in New York, and he was now living overseas. I didn't ask where; the sane part of me didn't want to know anything at all. _

"_Bella Swan, is that you?"_

_I froze. The voice was familiar, but I knew that it didn't belong to any of the Cullens. My hands relaxed around the burning coffee cup, and I turned around._

_After a few seconds, I recognized my high school friend underneath the changes that transpire when one grows up. Her glasses were missing, and she'd lost the childish baby fat on her face. Even under all the changes, she was still my friend Angela. _

"_Angela Weber?"_

"_Yep, in the flesh. Goodness, I can't believe it's you. I thought you were in Chicago." Her eyes bugged out. "No, I mean…fuck it…that didn't come out like I meant it to. It's great to see you again."_

_For the first time since I'd arrived back in Seattle, I gave an honest-to-God smile. _

"_Angela!" I put my coffee on a near-by table before throwing my arms around her neck. "It's so good to see you again. It's been so long."_

"_Just over five years. You're looking good."_

"_You too. Do you have time to chat?"_

"_Sure, I'm just on my lunch break. This is so random, bumping into you. What're you doing back in Seattle? Dad said you were at Chicago Booth."_

"_I finished my MBA and was offered a job with the firm I interned with. I'm at MacKenzie Brown. How was Texas?"_

"_Hot, hot and hot. Plus, they get the most ridiculous thunderstorms. My mom isn't doing too well these days, so I moved closer after college. I work in a private practice here." _

"_My dad told me about your mom, I'm sorry."_

"_It's okay, it was touch and go for a while but the heart surgery has given her a really good chance at living a longer life, so we'll see. It's only been six months, but she's already back to playing the minister's wife. I heard that you're dating Edward Cullen. How the hell did that happen?"_

"_Dated. Past tense," I muttered with a wrench to my heart. "We split up over a year ago."_

_Angela must've seen the hurt in my face, because she took my hand, and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I'm sorry, Bella," she said with no pity in her voice. _

_Her gaze flicked down to her watch. "Oh shoot, I have to get back to the office. Can I get your number so we can catch up?"_

_I didn't even hesitate. My first friend in Seattle, and a small part of me needed the connection to the past. "Sure, here."_

_I scribbled my cell number on the back of a new business card._

I was dragged out of my memories when I entered the bar and Angela threw her arms around me, before dragging me over to the stool beside her.

"Guys, I want you to meet my bestie, Bella. Bella, this is The Team."

I had to giggle at Angela's bubbly drunkenness…and the toast of 'Hey, Bella' that came from the ensemble, which had a male majority. Angela worked with some very cute lawyers.

Everyone drifted back to their interrupted conversations, and Angela ordered me up a margarita. Caught up in the jubilant atmosphere of the crowd and the attractive, attentive bartender, I threw my unlined stomach to the wind and took a hearty mouthful of my drink. The icy chill of the drink was at odds with the searing kick from the tequila. For the first time since I left the conference room, my body uncoiled from its tense stance and I began to relax.

"You playing catch-up, Bella?" Angela teased as she nodded to the mindful bartender. "Another one for my needy matey, barkeep."

I giggled. Angela and her love of Harlequin pirate novels.

"So, you were in sweats and hoodies before -" she checks her watch, "- eight in the evening with a glass of wine, and you just chugged down that 'rita like it was your last rite. What's up?"

I hesitated. If I told Ang, she would want details. Telling her—telling someone—would make it real. I would have to face the fact that Edward Cullen had walked back into my life with his cocky swagger and turned it upside down.

"The guy from the London office arrived this morning."

Ang's eyes lit up. "Spill, Swan. What's he like? Is he cute? You want something yummy to look at, at least."

"Actually, you can tell me. It's Edward Cullen."

"No. Fucking. Way."

Angela had also developed a potty mouth since leaving her minister-father's household.

"Yes way. In all his green-eyed glory. Turns out that Edward Cullen went Brit after we went south."

My second margarita appeared beside me, the bartender leaving it with a wink. I smiled back.

I watched as Angela's brain cogs turned with alcohol-induced slowness.

"Jesus, Bella, only you. So this really is one of those Casablanca moments! You know, of all the gin joints, in all the towns…"

"Yes, Ang, I get it. I swear to God, I nearly lost my shit in that conference room."

"So come on, give me the deets, girl."

_Angela, my homegirl._

"Sometime after our relationship ended, Edward moved to London. He's Volturi's Senior Project Manager in the UK, and will be facilitating the US setup. The ex-love of my life is my work partner for the next three months."

"Is he still hot? That boy was _so_ fuck-hot in school. All the girls, including me, were so jealous when he showed up to take you to prom."

"I don't know. I was too busy picking my figurative self off the floor at his reappearance in Seattle."

"I call bullshit. He walks into a room, and even a blind person would be able to tell you if he's hot or not."

I take a large, brain freezing, gulp of my margarita. "Fine," I mutter grudgingly. "He's hot. He's filled out a bit since I last saw him, so I guess he hits the gym these days. He looks…good."

"Good, huh? With that typical Swan understatement, I'm gonna say the boy is looking mighty fine."

"Can we forget how hot my ex is looking and come up with a plan of how the fuck I get through the next three months of working with him?"

Angela studied me, that lawyer brain of hers ticking. I could almost hear her thinking. "Bella, do you still have feelings for Edward?" she asked softly.

"What..why…huh? No, _N_o! Of course not. What's that got to do with anything?"

"Calm, Bella. I had to ask. You seem awfully wound up for someone who's over their ex."

"I was with him for three years, and in love with him for much longer than that. I'll always have feelings for him, but those feelings are just fond memories of what we used to have. I loved him once, but I'm not in love with him now."

Angela's eyes were weary. "If you say so. In that case, you treat him like you would any other colleague starting at MB for the first time. Show him where to get coffee, find the paperclips, and how to get an external line. Bring him up to date on the project on your end, and treat him courteously. When the three months are up, you can say goodbye knowing that you've done a good job. More than that, you'll prove to yourself that even with Edward Cullen in your life, you _can_ live without him."

"Fuck, Ang, for a drunk person you make _way_ too much sense!"

"I know. It just proves that it's always the quiet ones you have to watch."

We sat laughing and dancing in the bar with Angela's colleagues until the bell rang for last orders. After Ang's stellar insight and advice, I settled both of our tabs. When the bartender offered up my receipt, his telephone number was scribbled along the top with '_call me, :o)'_. I offered him a smile but that was all he was ever going to get from me. I stuffed it into my purse and grabbed my jacket.

Given that I was the least drunk of the two of us, I put Angela in a cab first, and then set out to hail one for myself. A glance at my watch told me it was two in the morning. Only six hours until I had to be in the office.

* * *

**Thanks as always go to EvilPumpkin and Malloryknoxx over at SRP who rock my socks. To Twilly, Adri, Jess Molly and Kikki7...there are no words for you guys - i couldn't do it without you!**

**Recs - Because i am finally catching up on my reading time:**

**Theories of Bellativity - Kikki7 - .net(slash)s(slash)6932812(slash)1  
**If you like a quirky Bella, an Edward who never backs down from a challenge and chocolate...this is the story for you

**The Love Boat - Twilly - .net(slash)s(slash)8083461(slash)1****  
**This fic makes me pee myself with laughter every bloody update. Twilly has a way with words that will have you on the floor, laughing and begging for mercy! GO READ!

**Finally (in this long arsed AN), i am struggling with Chp 9 so any words of encouragment or helpful feedback would be mucho appreciated.**


	4. Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

_Hey stranger or may I call you my own  
I know I don't know you, but there's somewhere I've seen you before  
Whatever your name is, whatever you do  
There's nothing between us I'm willing to loose_

**_Between Us - Peter Bradley Adams_**

**Chapter Four - Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition**

The din of people in the office assaulted my ears as soon as the glass doors from the reception area closed behind me. I winced as the sound bounced around between my ears.

Waking up had been traumatic enough, but the process of actually dragging my ass into the shower and getting ready for work had been borderline harrowing. The tequila from the night before sloshed around in my stomach, and the jackhammer in my head was obviously being paid holiday rates on top of overtime.

Fuck Angela and her tequila. Fuck weekday drinking while I was at it.

I was too old for this shit.

Emily took one look at me as I propped myself beside her desk and rushed off to get me a strong coffee.

"Hey, Boss. I have those…" Lauren trailed off as she saw me.

Wow, I must havereally look like hell.

"You feeling okay, Bella? You look a little grey."

"Um, think I must be coming down with something," I lied. "Give me twenty minutes to get settled and bring the papers in."

"Here you go." Emily handed me a mug of steaming nectar, straight from the gods to me.

"Before you go in, you should know that-"

"Emily," I interrupted. "Just give me ten minutes to pull myself together and then we can go through today."

"But-"

"Ten minutes."

I turned away and headed down towards my corner office. Something wasn't right. My door was ajar, and I religiously locked it every night before leaving. As I walked into my office, I noticed papers scattered across my meeting table, and one of the chairs had a navy suit jacket across the back of it.

_Of course _

"Seriously! I really don't need this today. Couldn't they have just given him a few days off until his freaking office furniture arrived?" I muttered to myself. Just my luck.

"You know, Bella, they say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."

I closed my eyes and turned to face the man with the velvet voice.

"My name is Isabella. And no, Edward, talking to yourself is reasonable; answering yourself is madness."

"You're right, of course."

I put my coffee down on my desk and sat down. It was far too exhausting to be on my feet and try to deal with Edward Cullen at the same time.

"I see you've made yourself at home."

"It's just temporary. Emily told me my furniture should be here tomorrow."

He pushed aside papers and turned to look at me. His gaze was disconcerting. I wanted to look anywhere but at him. If I looked him in the eye, all attempts at being professional and compartmentalizing the past would be lost.

"Look, Bella, I didn't mean to come here and disturb your office. The last thing I want to do is have an awkward environment. I thought you would be okay with this by now."

He motioned between us. My attention followed his hand movements, resting on his muscular arms as they moved under his shirtsleeves. The boy did indeed work out these days. Hold up…_by now_?

"You knew!" I exclaimed in my own eureka moment. "You knew I would be here? That I worked for MacKenzie Brown? You knew I would be taking the Volturi account?"

"Of course I did, Bel…Isabella. Your name was all over the documents I was sent from the Seattle office. I assumed mine was all over the ones from London."

"Actually no, it wasn't. All the documents mentioned you only as Senior Project Manager."

"Ah, that would be because it was undecided about who would be coming to the US."

"That would explain it."

I took a sip of my coffee and tried to stop the pounding in my head long enough to form a clear thought.

"Isabella -"

"Edward -"

We both started at the same time.

"You first." Edward motioned.

"Edward, the past between us is exactly that, past. It was a long time ago, and we've both moved on. We're professionals, and I think we would both agree that for the sake of this project, we can act as if it never happened and work together like adults."

For a second, I could almost see a flicker of pain or grief pass over his features, but it was gone so fast, I wasn't even sure it'd been there to begin with.

"I agree with concentrating on the project and keeping personal issues aside, but at some point _Bella_, we _are_ going to talk about what happened between us."

"Don't count on it, Edward."

With almost psychic timing, Emily appeared in my – _our_ - doorway.

"Is now a good time, Boss… I mean, Bella boss… Isabella… Bella?"

_Poor Emily._

"Come in." She sat on the seat in front of my desk.

"First order of business, can you draw up resumes from the pool? Mr. Cullen needs an assistant on _temporary_ assignment."

"I'm happy to assist you both."

"Great. Thanks, Emily."

Edward flashed her one of his swoony smiles. I had to nix this issue right now. I couldn't have Edward dazzling my assistant.

"No! Emily is going to act as gatekeeper with the other project managers. She'll be the point of contact when I'm not available. Don't worry, we have good people in the pool and all the assistants are hired from there."

_Consider that putting my foot down._

"I don't really need a full-time assistant. Back in London, I shared with another manager so I'm pretty self-sufficient."

"Why not use Las? She's floating around while Carol is on maternity leave, and Las works part-time because her kids are in school."

"Sounds perfect, Emily. Why don't you email me her CV. I can meet her for lunch, and, if I like her, she can start tomorrow when my office furniture arrives." He looked pointedly at me before giving me a smug smile.

"Fine."

I could feel the headache buzzing back to full strength behind my eyes.

"Emily, I need the plans for the Crescent Village build. It goes to City Council next week and I want to make sure that we have no speedbumps ahead of us." Emily was scribbling notes. "I also need to meet with the construction manager on the Delancey refit. If I can get that appointment in this week, I would be forever grateful. The client is back in town on Tuesday and I want something to report to them."

"You have Friday afternoon blocked out. Can I use that?"

"Ah, no. I'm heading… I have an appointment, and I won't be available again until Monday morning."

Friday was going to be a long day.

"How's your workload looking?" Emily asked, knowing I might need space in my diary to catch up.

"Not too bad. Just collating the end of month financials for you to look over. In fact, that may be what Lauren wants to see you about. It's only her second financial submission so she's probably crapping herself."

"Okay… well, if you can help Edward out today too, he'll need to know where the coffee machine is, where to find paperclips and the online filing system too."

_Angela said be civil. Giving him my assistant for a guided tour is civil…right? This was why I avoid office politics_.

"Anything else?"

"Nope, that's it, boss… Bella."

"Boss is fine, Emily. Nothing's changed. Now, can you tell Lauren I'll see her in five minutes?" Emily nodded and stood up. "And, Emily, thanks for the fresh coffee."

I gave her the brightest smile I could manage over my mug as she left my office. I hauled my purse up on to my desk. It was filled with about 90% junk and about 10% useful stuff. I went for a rummage but came up empty.

"Oh, for fuck's sake. Where are they?"

I went for a second dive, and I found a single mint – might help with the rug that felt like it was growing on my tongue – but, alas, I didn't find what I was really looking for. So I upended my bag over my desk and tried to contain the spill. It worked about as well as BP's efforts at the Deepwater Horizon spill.

Edward chuckled and started to pick items from my bag off the floor.

"Really, you don't have to do that."

He ignored me and kept picking up the loose change and smaller things.

"Here." Edward handed me about two dollars in loose change, and three tampons. Funnily enough I wasn't embarrassed. He would happily pick these up for me when it was his turn to do the grocery shopping.

"Some things never change. You still use Kotex, then?"

My eyebrows disappeared somewhere into my forehead, as Edward blushed from his cheeks to the tips of his ears as he realized what'd just come out of his mouth.

"Wow, that wasn't awkward in the least," I muttered sarcastically. "Nice to know you still have an uncanny ability to put your foot in your mouth at the most unexpected moments."

Suddenly, my hangover didn't feel as bad, and Edward's blush deepened. Was the satisfaction I get from watching him squirm wrong?

"Oh, this too. Looks like you got lucky last night." He showed me the receipt from the bar last night. The one with the bartender's phone number on it. "Is this the reason you look as rough as you do this morning? You know what they say, _Isa_bella, never mix the spirit with the vine."

His blush was gone, and instead he has a smug grin on his face.

"Actually, the margaritas were me, and the glasses of Sav Blanc were Angela. You remember Angela Weber from high school, right? She was friends with Alice and me? We were celebrating Angela winning a big case. And since you got such a good look at the receipt, you'll see I only had four drinks over nearly eight hours. Hand it over."

I reached for the receipt, but he yanked it out of my reach. I reached for it again after he offered it up, but he pulled it away once more.

"Stop acting like a five year old and give it to me."

"Wow, this guy must be something special if you're desperate for his number."

"Just give me the damn receipt."

This time he held it above his head. The fucker was using my height against me. If he wanted to play it that way, I could too. The only bonus that came with having Edward Cullen as an ex was that I knew exactly where his weaknesses were… and I wasn't just talking about the organ between his legs.

I stopped jumping and smiled coyly at him. He had no idea. While his arm was still in the air, I reached forward, aiming for just above his hipbones and let loose.

Edward Cullen was ticklish on only two areas of his body. One was his feet, the other in a specific spot just above each hipbone. It didn't even require much pressure. Instantly, his elbows clamped down at the side, and his body tried to twist away from my gyrating fingers. I matched him move for move until he was near tears. Finally, I stopped and grabbed the paper from his hand.

Edward stopped screaming like a fifteen-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert and straightened himself out.

"That was a low blow, Swan."

"Oh yeah, lower than you using my height against me when you know I'm sensitive about it?"

"You fucking tickled me."

"Yeah well, since you've turned into an annoying asshole in the last seven years, I did what I had to."

I took the receipt and ripped it up into small pieces in front of Edward before letting them flutter into the waste basket.

"Oh, real mature, _Bella_."

"How many times do I have to say that it's Isabella to you?"

"Um, I can come back later if you guys want to finish… whatever this is."

Fuck, Lauren. How long had she been standing there? My chest was heaving with exertion over our… our _what_? Banter? Spat? Childish bickering? Edward and I locked eyes, and I could see the playfulness in them, lurking behind a deeper confusion. I backed up, away from him.

"No, that's okay, Lauren. Mr. Cullen was just…"

Lauren held up her hand. "Please, I don't need to know anything." She'd obviously been standing there too long. "Can we go over these figures now?"

x-x-x-x

Thankfully, Lauren made a rookie mistake on her ledgers. From the panic on her face, she learned her lesson and wouldn't make the same mistake twice. I liked Lauren. I'd handpicked her from the incoming graduates; she'd been my first protégé. I'd just wanted someone normal that had an ounce of common sense.

Edward disappeared off to lunch just as Lauren and I were finishing up her monthly submission. I was all for grabbing a sandwich from the lunch guy that came around and working on through my break, but Emily had other ideas.

Her head appeared around my open door. Her face was blank, and that worried me.

"You finished with Lauren?"

"Yep. She'll have her report to you by two. What can I do for you?"

"It's more what I can do for _you_. You and I are going for lunch, and you are going to tell me exactly what is going on between you and the delightful Mr. Cullen."

Part of me was mortified that I wasn't being as on the down-low as I'd hoped to be. But the other part of me, the inner teenage girl, was doing her happy dance. For the first time in a long time, Emily, Lauren and I would go to lunch and _I_ would be bringing the gossip to the table.

"Rembrandt's?" I asked, resigned.

"Rembrandt's. I'll grab Lauren and meet you at the elevator."

I grabbed my purse and looked warily at Edward's desk. This was not going the way I'd planned it.

Lauren and Emily walked towards me, heads together, most likely conspiring. They went quiet as soon as they were within hearing distance. It made me suspicious. They continued to chatter idly as we made our way out of the MacKenzie Brown building and up a couple of blocks to Rembrandt's. I watched them for any further odd behavior.

No sooner had we ordered then they turned to me. I was being tag-teamed by two women who were meant to work for _me_.

"So Mr. Cullen seems nice," Emily started.

"Yeah and particularly ticklish, from what I saw."

"Oh, so that is what the screaming was that I heard from the office. I thought someone was being murdered—well, either that or it was the result of some really good foreplay."

I shot Emily a dirty look and reminded myself to close the door next time. What was I thinking? There would be no next time. Edward would have his own office tomorrow and I was enforcing a strictly no touchy-touchy policy between us.

"Look," I said, getting serious. "Yes, Edward and I are old friends." Emily scoffed from the sidelines. "_But_ we're trying to keep it strictly professional from now on."

"Whatever. There's way more going on between you and that hunk of a man… and it was never _just_ friendship." Emily was effectively calling bullshit on my ass.

"Yeah, Bella. You've had the ears on our flings and relationships but never contributed yourself. So, spill."

They were asking me to go back nearly a decade… while I was hungover. How could I sum up what Edward and I had been in a conversation?

"I honestly don't know where to start."

"Start at the beginning," Lauren prompted.

The beginning of the 'Edward and Bella Show' was too complicated for a lunch break, so I decided to start where 'Edward and Bella' as a couple has started - my freshman year at UDub.

_Chimes ran out around the building._

"_The library will be closing in ten minutes. Please take all books to the front desk to be checked out."_

_I slowly packed up my books into my bag and shut down my laptop. It was ten in the evening and I could see snowflakes outside the library windows. It had to be cold outside for it to snow in Seattle in November. The Baltic weather wasn't the reason I was slow to go home. Home, for me, was a shared room in an on-campus dorm building. Charlie had wanted me in a dorm, so that I would be 'safe and looked out for' in his own words. However, he hadn't counted on my roommate. Samantha was a goth from Detroit who enjoyed loud metal music, coming in at all hours of the night, and leaving her stuff all over the room, both her side and mine. Lately, I'd been going home to find the telltale black ribbon on the door handle. Samantha, who was nowhere near as innocent as her name sounded, had a new boyfriend, and he was an almost permanent guest with us. _

_A hand tapped me on the shoulder, and I jumped a mile._

"_Miss, the library is closed. Do you have any books to check out?"_

_I shook my head and headed for the exit. I trudged across the wet lawn. The snow was falling but none of it was sticking; instead it turned to slush as soon as it touched the ground. I tried to take the well-lit route home, but some of the parking lots were a bit too dark. _

_I heard footsteps jog up behind me, and I reached for the Charlie-issued Mace that was in my pocket. _

"_Bella? Bella Swan? Is that you?"_

_I took deep breaths to calm my heart as it threatened to beat right out of my chest. I turned to find a familiar face smiling back at me._

_Edward Cullen: my prom date, my best friend, and my other best friend's older brother._

"_I thought it was you. I knew you were at UDub, but I hadn't seen you yet. It's good to see you."_

_He pulled me into a warm hug. I realized I'd yet to say a word. He smelled just like I remembered. All freshness and a touch of earthiness about him. Like the smell you get after it rains, my English minor kicked in._

"_It's good to see you too, Edward. What are you doing on campus so late?"_

_He was a sophomore, and, after his first year, his parents had bought an apartment in Seattle as an investment. Edward and a friend were renting it while they were at the University of Washington._

"_I was just finishing up an essay. I could ask you the same thing, Bella. What are you doing walking out here on your own so late?"_

"_Oh, I was at the library. It's no big deal, I'm in Haggett Hall so I don't have too far to walk."_

"_Still, you should have phoned campus security to walk you back. Come on, I'll walk you. My car is parked in the lot near there."_

"_Oh, Edward Cullen, my big, strong protector."_

"_You know it, Swan."_

_It was no secret I'd had a crush on Edward. I'd had one since the day I met him at the lunch table a week after I started at Forks High School. I'd thought after Edward had come back to Forks to take me to prom that he might feel the same… but no. He went back to college in Seattle and I hadn't really hear from him again, outside of mutual Facebook posts and passing mentions from Alice. Now that Alice was in New York, I didn't hear anything about him, only how great New York was._

_Even months later, as I looked up at him through the falling snow, I still felt a thump in my chest. And it wasn't the residual fear of a stranger behind me. _

"_So how are you settling in at UDub?"_

"_It's great. The classes are good, my professors seem fair so far. It's such a change from high school with so many people."_

"_Tell me about it. So, are you still majoring in Business?" _

_Edward had helped me to narrow down a major when I'd started applying to colleges. The only ones really open to me were ones in Washington. I couldn't afford to pay the fees for out-of-state. _

"_Yup. I heard about your change in plans."_

_Heard about it?! I'm sure all of Forks had heard about it. Carlisle had flipped his lid the weekend Edward came home during summer and told his parents he was dropping out of pre-med. Instead, he wanted to switch to Economics and Business after really enjoying a minor in Economics during his first year. Carlisle refused to speak to Edward the whole weekend he was home._

_Alice later told me that Carlisle and Edward were back on speaking terms after Esme made Carlisle sleep in the guest room for a whole week and refused to talk to him until he apologized to Edward. _

"_It all worked out for the best. I'm loving my new subjects. Carlisle even asked me to explain trading to him so he could actually understand what the FA reports were all about."_

"_That's great. You still living with Tyler?"_

"_Yeah, but not for long. He dropped out and enlisted."_

"_No way. 'Slim Jim' Tyler? What's he gonna do, confuse the enemy by turning sideways and disappearing? There isn't one bit of muscle on him."_

"_He's been in the gym since dropping out. Built like a linebacker these days. So how are you finding dorm life? I was in Haggett too." _

_I looked to the ground. I didn't want to unload on Edward. It wasn't his fault I was having a rough time. "Dorms… are different."_

"_Different is good, right?"_

"_Yeah, I guess. I mean, it's different living with other people. I'm not used to having a roommate; you know, someone who's always there. I guess I'm used to my own space." I looked up and could see the concern on his face. "But change is good. I'm… enjoying it."_

_I hoped that I'd convinced him. I couldn't tell him the truth. The grapevine would run wild otherwise; Edward would tell Esme I was having trouble with my roommate. Esme would tell Carlisle, Carlisle would run into Charlie somehow, and it would all come out… and, like Chinese Whispers, it would be grossly exaggerated. I didn't want Charlie to worry about me._

"_Are you sure, Bella? I know we haven't spoken recently, but you know you can talk to me if you need to."_

_I offered him a small smile. He smiled back at me, the glint in his eyes catching under the orange hue of the overhead lights._

"_It's just that my emo roommate has… fully embraced the college lifestyle in stereotypical proportions."_

"_Ah." Edward smiled at me. "I get it. You know, if you ever need space or just some peace to get some sleep, you can crash at my place."_

_Part of me was elated that Edward was offering me a bed. Not his bed, granted, but he was thinking about me. The other, bigger part of me cringed. He was only looking out for his little sister's best friend. Why the hell would a sophomore want to be seen with a freshman? _

"_Thanks, Edward, but I'm fine." I looked up. We'd reached the front door to Haggett Hall. "This is me."_

"_So it is."_

_He looked almost disappointed. I must have read him wrong. He was more likely relieved that he was free of his charge and could report that little Bella was safe and well. Edward reached into his backpack and pulled out a Sharpie._

_I could feel warmth of his gloved hand in mine and it made my breath hitch. It was the first contact I'd had with a human being since Charlie had awkwardly hugged me after moving me into my dorm. Covered fingertips brushed up my hand to my wrist as he pushed the sleeve of my hoodie up._

"_This is my cell number. I want you to call me if you need anything. Even if you just want to see a friendly face or you need a night away from your freaky roommate."_

"_Thanks."_

_I, of course, had no intention of bothering Edward for anything. He'd come to Seattle to escape small-town Forks, and I wasn't going to serve as a reminder of where he'd come from. _

_I stood in the shelter of the building's overhang and watched as Edward walked away from me. His body disappeared into the dark before reappearing in an orange pool of light, his footsteps visible in the melting snow. He stopped and turned._

"_It was good to see you again, Bella Swan," he yelled back to me before turning and disappearing around a corner hedge._

_My hand still tingled from where he'd touched me, and my shallow breaths were coming out in misty pants. He still had the ability to render me dumb and speechless. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, savoring the moment before I turned and walked into the building.  
_

That was the first night since prom I dreamed of Edward Cullen.

* * *

**Dumm Dumm Dumm...so they meet again! What were the chances?**

**Thanks as always to Malloryknoxx...who pre-read a massive three chapters this week...she's flipping awesome. To EvilPumkin who beta's like no one else! To my WC girls, Twilly, Kikki7 and Jess Molly...you guys are the peanuts to my butter (if i wasn't allergic to nuts that is!) and Evilnat and Nicff over at TLS, you guys pimp like its 1998...best year ever!**

**Special thanks go to DiamondHeart78 (DH78) who gave me my first in-story rec that i know off. If someone sends you my way, let me know so i can go 'we're not worthy' on their arse!**

**Funny drunk stories please...mine involved a dip in the North Sea in April and a night in a police cell minus my own clothing...i'll tell you the full story if you review!**

**Rec: **

**You Can't Hide Forever - MrsK81 - (slash)s(slash)6987827(slash)1/**  
We put aside the fact that i FLOVE this author and say this is a fic you have to be reading. It's up, it's down and it will have you tied in knots - _Bella has been running for six years, always hiding away not really living, but when she meets Edward Cullen that isn't an option anymore. Does she risk everything for him or can she walk away? (AH)_


	5. A Game For Two

_We started over coffee, we started out as friends_  
_It's funny how from simple things, the best things begin_

_This time it's different,_  
_Dah dah dah dah_  
_It's all because of you,_  
_Dah dah dah dah__  
__It's better than it's ever been_

_**Finally Found - Bryan Adams**_

**Chapter Five – A Game For Two**

Emily and Lauren sat across from me, their eyes wide with curiosity. I was guessing that this wasn't where they saw this story going. I'd just confessed to dreaming about the new Senior Project Manager. Well, new to them, but I knew Edward Cullen inside and out, and back to front. Well, I used to know him.

"Well, well, well, little Bella Swan has dirty fantasies about the Mr. Darcy wannabe."

"Had, Lauren. Had. I haven't even thought about him in seven years." I lied.

I picked at my lunch, hoping that the girls had pulled enough information out of me. Sadly, having known Emily for so long, I knew I was fresh out of luck, and I would probably be leaving lunch hungry.

"So, you had the biggest crush on EC, tingles and all? How did you go from Edward having his arm around you to you having your pussy around his cock?"

"Jeez, Emily. Could you be any more disgusting?" She cocked her eyebrow. "Alright, fine. My pussy liked his cock."

"Just as well EC is only here for three months, I'm not sure I could look at him the same way again." Lauren offered. "So, come on, Swan, what happened with EC?"

I couldn't help but smile when I remembered how Edward Cullen became _my_ Edward Cullen.

"_For next week, you need to read the first sub-chapters on the foundations of the BRIC emerging markets. This will form the basis for your end of unit group project. I will assign groups next week. Grades will be awarded on _individual_ effort, not group effort so no one will get away with slacking off. I'll see you all next Tuesday."_

_I flipped closed my notebook and slowly packed my things away. Slow was the name of the game at the moment. It had been a week since I had gotten a decent nights' sleep. My roommate, Sam, had yet another new boyfriend and had decided that she preferred her own bed. I'd started to go to bed early, and when Sam came home with her boyfriend, I moved into the common room. Usually by that time there was only the stoners left so I could curl up in the corner mostly unnoticed. The regular stoners had even taken up a protective watch over me. It was…reassuring._

"_Miss Swan, class is over. That means you leave the class room."_

_I had zoned out…again. I really needed sleep._

"_Sorry Professor Wight."_

_I lifted my backpack and shuffled out of the room._

"_Wow, I should have bought you a large. You look like hell, Swan."_

_I jumped at his velvety voice so close to my ear. I'd been in such a zombiefied state I didn't even see him waiting for me by the door._

"_Edward." I smelt the coffee, little billowing clouds of heavenly scent. "God, I could kiss you right now."_

"_It's only coffee, Bella."_

"_Right now, it's the only thing standing between me and passing out from sheer exhaustion."_

_Edward handed me the cup and we started to walk towards my next class. I shivered in the cold air that blew through campus. Winter was on its way. _

"_Bella, I'm worried about you. No offense, but you look like hell. What's up?"_

_There was no way I was telling him my fucking-like-a-rabbit roommate and her latest flavor of the month were keeping me up all night. If I even hinted at the fact I was bunking down in the common room, Edward would break out into big brother mode, and I didn't want that._

"_Just lots of studying. I have to keep my grades up."_

"_Oh yeah, Alice mentioned you were awarded a full scholarship. Congrats, Bella, I'm very proud of you."_

_He slung an arm over my shoulder and pulled me into a side hug. _ _I won't lie; I took a good long sniff. That boy smelled good. _

"_So, apart from buying you coffee and slaving your ass off in Wight's Strategy and Emerging Markets class, what else have you been up to?"_

"_Not much. _

_As we walked towards my next class, we talked about inconsequential things. Tyler had been shipped off to boot camp, buzz cut and all. I told him of Alice's real adventures in New York. It turned out that Edward was only getting the abridged, brother-safe version. His arm never left my shoulder. Even after my shivers had stopped, he held me to his side. I couldn't lie; it felt amazing._

_We neared my class, and his arm fell away from me. I felt its loss._

"_Wow, you're shadowing my timetable. I took these classes in summer school after switching my major."_

"_I'm still surprise that Carlisle didn't flip out when you told him you were dropping pre-med. Alice said she expected the world to end, but there was no eruption of Mount Carlisle."_

"_Well, after the fuss he kicked up when I chose UDub over Dartmouth, Esme warned him if he pushed me away again, she was gone too."_

_My mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. Alice told me that things between Carlisle and Edward were strained but I had no idea it'd been that bad._

"_You know, Swan," his voice was back to its playful tones, "we should study together. I can help you with what I learned during summer school. We _are_ studying the same major."_

"_And what would being seen with a freshman do to your reputation, Cullen?"_

"_When it's you that's the said freshman, Bella, it can only improve."_

_What?_

_There is a compliment in there somewhere?_

_Edward must've sensed my confusion and chuckled. His finger brushed against my cheek as he pushed a loose piece of hair behind my ear. I had no doubt my cheeks, already blushed from the cold, were now beet red._

"_I'll be seeing you, Bella Swan." Edward muttered as he walked away into the crowd._

x-x-x-x

"So you like the older man then, Bella?" Lauren jabbed.

Emily's saucer rattled as she almost threw her cup back on the table. "You listened to all that and all you got was that Edward is a year older than her? Really, Lauren."

I took a deep breath to collect myself as Emily's attention focused on Lauren. Trips down memory lane, while not painful anymore, left me feeling melancholy.

"So let me get this straight. You and Edward ended up at the same college studying the same major. Talk about fate." Lauren looked at both of us almost starry eyed, her head no doubt filled with Disney stories of happily ever afters.

Emily glanced from side to side, looking around her covertly. She motioned for us to gather in close as if she had some great secret to tell us.

"So you were hot for Cullen then?"

I rolled my eyes. I'd always been hot for Cullen.

"Emily, we might not have many hot days here in Washington, but those we did have were spent by the Cullen's heated outdoor pool. I spent most of my time watching Edward run around in board shorts with his friends. I've had a crush on Edward Cullen since the first time I laid eyes on him. Every girl did. He even had his own posse of women that used to gravitate around him. Alice, his sister, and I had a name for them; Eddie's Girls. He never 'dipped his wick' in the EGs, but they were always there."

So what happened next?" Lauren probed. "And don't think I missed the prom reference in your little Dawson's Creek-esk nostalgiafest. That is gossip for another time. You've been holding out on us, Bella."

"What do you mean, Dawson's Creek-esk?"

"You know, all that sexy, sub-textual tension where you drop passive innuendos like virgins, but you are claiming to be _just _friends until it cracks into this angst fest and you run off with his best friend."

Emily burst out laughing, snorting as she clutched her side.

"For fuck sake, Lauren. I didn't run away with his best friend and we weren't virgins.'

That stopped the laughter dead.

"Ohhhh, Prom! I knew it. Did you guys get all down and dirty after prom?"

"No, we didn't have sex after prom, but I didn't go to college a virgin. That's all you are getting."

"Who cares about prom? I want the story." Emily whined.

_x-x-x-x_

_I couldn't believe I was here. Trust me, I had explored my options. I'd arrived back at my dorm after my final class hoping to get some shut eye in the time between end of class and last call in the bar. I needed to get some sleep before my roommate came back with her latest toy. I had dozed off in my economics class, but the person next me pinched my arm before I could start to snore. _

_I managed a couple of hours, but around ten my roommate came back. Her pointed stares made it quite clear; she needed the room. I tried the common room, but there was a Friday night party going on and the sweet tang of weed in the air meant there was no way I was getting in there for a while. I even tried my truck, but it was thirty five degrees. I really didn't want to be found resembling a human popsicle._

_That is why, at midnight, I was standing in front of Edward's apartment with my finger hovering over the buzzer. _

_Ah, fuck it. I was out of options and freezing my ass off._

"_Hello?"_

"_Edward? It's Bella."_

"_Bella? __What…are..." He stuttered. "Come up."_

_The door buzzed open, and I walked into the warmth of the building. I heard a door open above me so I headed up the stairs. I loved Edward's building from the first step. It was built in the art deco style and it looked like who ever had restored it has been sympathetic to the original features. It was nothing like the soulless box I that was my dorm room._

_Edward was standing in the doorway of his apartment. The cold was long forgotten. I stopped dead, my bag falling from my hand. He stood there in all his topless, bare foot glory. I couldn't help but stare. __Edward always had a body that boarded on beautiful but he'd changed since when he used to run around the Cullen's poolside._

"_Bellllllaaaa." His voice mocked. "My face is up here."_

"_I..um…you…hi."_

_Edward chuckled. "Hi Bella. What do I owe the pleasure?" He saw the bag in my hand and rushed towards me. "Are you okay?"_

_The concern in his features broke me. I was just so tired, and my body beyond exhausted. I was surprised I was even still standing. My eyes burned as tears fell._

"_God, Bella. What's happened?"_

_Edward's strong arm wrapped around me as he grabbed my bag. For the first time in so long, I felt my muscles unwind and I slumped against him. My bag was thrown in a corner of the living room and I was pushed down onto an extremely comfy couch._

"_Not that it isn't good to see you, but what's going on?" His voice was low and soothing; how someone would talk to a scared animal. _

_Edward handed me a glass of red wine and sat down beside me. I could feel his body against me from hip to knee. My stomach quivered._

_I raised my eyes to his face. "Can I stay here tonight?"_

"_Of course you can. You can take Tyler's old room."He must have seen the distrust in my face." Mom replaced the mattress and bought fresh sheets. You're safe, I promise. I'll get you something to wear tonight."_

_The last thing I remember, as I put the wine glass on the coffee table, was the feeling of floating before I drifted off into black._

_x-x-x-x_

_Silence. _

_I didn't wake to the sound of footfalls in the hall outside my room. No roommate slamming drawers. No faint trickle of white noise of people going about their day. _

_Instead there was only silence…and the smell of coffee._

_Mmmm…coffee._

_I dragged myself from the comfortable, warm bed, pushing the thought of how exactly I got there to the back of mind. There were more important things, like coffee. _

_Well I thought there was until I rounded the doorway into the kitchen. Edward stood at the island in the middle of the kitchen, his hands wrapped around a cup of coffee as he read a paper spread out on the bench. I could now hear the radio playing in the background, tuned onto some Jazz station._

_He was dressed in a pair of loose fitting jeans, stonewash and hugging his ass to perfection. His feet were bare again, tapping away to the rhythm of the music. The whole scene, the deliciousness of Edward aside, was comforting and domestic. _

_When his head started to bob to the music, matching beat with his feet, I couldn't help but laugh. His gaze met mine with eyes full of contentment._

"_Don't tell me you were laughing at me, Bella?"_

"_Fine, I won't tell you. Any chance you can offer me a cup of coffee?"_

_He poured a generous mug and went to hand it to me. Just as I reached for it he drew it back towards him and cocked his head to the side, looking mischievous. _

"_Come on, Cullen. "_

_He shook his head. Two could play at this game._

_I tucked my chin, staring up at him from under my lashes. My hands reached out and clasped his biceps, caressing them. I swallowed deeply and willed my heart to calm at the feel of his muscles under my palms. My fingers stroked, slow and gentle, as I traced my way down his arms, past his elbow and wrist, until my hands covered his around the mug._

"_You know, Edward, there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't do for a cup of coffee." I stood up on my tip toes and moved my lips close to his ear. I could feel his soft, panting breaths on my neck, __as I fought the urge to relieve some tension by pushing my body flush with his._"_That sweet smelling nectar. The warmth as it courses through your body on a cold morning. Mmm." I hummed._

"_Fuck!" I heard him whisper._

_His hands released the mug in my hands, and I quickly stepped away from him. _

"_You don't play fair, Swan." His voice was deep, so gravely._

_I covered up my shock at my own actions with a strained laugh. "No I don't, do I. Now, what are you making me for breakfast?"_

_I hopped up on a stool, and watched as he made French toast. He apologized for not being able to give me options but he was limited in the kitchen. I knew that, of course. Esme was the stereotypical mother when it came to feeding her family. No one else was allowed into the kitchen, except me._

_As we sat at the breakfast bar, side by side, enjoying breakfast with an unhealthy dose of maple syrup, I watched Edward push around the last piece with his fork._

"_Bella, what is really going on in your dorm? You obviously aren't getting any sleep, and your roommate sounds like a safety concern."_

_I knew it was time to come clean. Edward would only badger me until he had the full story._

"_My roommate has a new boyfriend, so the hair tie on the door knob has been more on than off recently. I've been sleeping in the common lounge when she's gotten home before me, but last night there was a party in there so I couldn't get in."_

"_Jesus, Bella!" He exploded. "Do you have no sense of self-preservation? The common lounges don't have lockable doors. Anyone could come in."_

_My defenses went up. I felt about six inches tall. "I am well aware of that, Edward, but it's not as if I have much choice. I spoke to housing, and they said there is nowhere else for me to move into. There is a waiting list as it is. The housing officer suggested mediation, but there is no way that I am sitting in a room discussing my roommates sex life."_

"_Why don't you move in here?" I'm glad I had finished my coffee or it would've been sprayed half away across the breakfast bar. His eyes bugged out of his head. " No! No, wait. Let me explain. Tyler's room is empty and my parents don't like the idea of my living here on my own, yet. Jesus, Bella, I wasn't suggesting…"_

"_It's fine. Thanks for the offer, Edward, but there is no way I could afford this place."_

"_You wouldn't have to. You could pay my parents the same amount as you pay in dorms."_

_"That's hardly fair. I'm not willing to be some Cullen charity case."_

"_Bella, you're hardly that. Okay, how about this, you pay the same as dorms, and since we both know I am hopeless in the kitchen, you can buy the groceries and cook our meals? Think how grateful Esme would be to know her favorite son isn't surviving on take-out and ramen noodles."_

"_What about bills?"_

"_Esme and Carlisle pay those anyway so you don't have to worry about it." He must've seen I was about to refuse him. "I hate to resort to blackmail, Bella, but either you move out of your current situation or I tell Esme what has been going on. You know it's only a matter of time before it gets back to The Chief."_

_Damn, he knew my ultimate weakness._

"_Fine!" I huffed like a child. "I'll move in next month when I've given student housing notice."_

"_No, you'll move out tomorrow and won't pay rent here until you stop paying student housing."_

"_Edward, be sensible. I can't move out tomorrow. I have to pack up and try and get someone to help me move all my stuff down the stairs. Charlie helped me with the heavier stuff when I moved in."_

"_Easy, we'll go to your dorm, now, and I will help you pack. I'll ask couple of the guys I play with to give us a hand tomorrow morning. It should all fit in your truck, right? If not, I have the Volvo too."_

_It seemed Edward Cullen had an answer for every argument._

"_Fine!"_

_He smiled smugly at me before touching his mug to mine in a toast of success._

x-x-x-x

The ping of an alert on my blackberry interrupted my walk down memory lane. Emily and Lauren stared at me, mouths gaping.

"Guys I've got to go. I have a meeting in thirty minutes, so I need to get back."

I was met with a chorus of disappointment.

"What? No, you can't leave. You were just getting to the good stuff. How did you guys get together?" Lauren's voice was barely above a whine.

"As much as I would love to trek down memory lane with you guys, I have to go."

"We haven't finished with you, Bella. Drinks tonight?"

The thought of alcohol turned my still-fragile stomach.

"No, Em. No more school night drinking. I don't think my stomach or liver could take it." I threw a ten dollar bill down on the table. "I'll see you guys back at the office."

I grabbed my purse, and made my way to my shared office. It's temporary, I reminded myself. As I approached my door, I could see a group of people waiting outside it. They all had one thing in common – they were all female.

Edward may have grown up, and our lives may be different, but it appeared not everything changed.

Eddie's Girls were back. They were no longer silly, immature girls. Now they were women; beautiful women with legs for miles and feminine wiles. And they were standing in the way…to my office.

"Anna, Elia, Dominique, can I do something for you?"

All three shook their heads and had the decency to look sheepish. "So you'll be getting back to work, then?"

They filed out of my office, their heels clicking down then hall. Edward was sitting at his desk, a smug smile on his face.

"Seattle might be the friendliest city I have ever visited." His tone was jokey and just a little self-satisfied.

"You know, in some parts of world, your little welcoming committee would be called a harem."

His face dropped. "Careful, Bella, people might think you're jealous." He tone was low in warning.

That caught me up short. I wasn't jealous; even the suggestion was ridiculous. For years I had watched Edward being fawn over by women, even when we were together. Edward never showed any interest in them, and I trusted him. So why was this so different? And why did I care?

I dumped my purse heavily on my desk and threw a scowl his way. I couldn't even form a witty reply in my head. Damn him. So I went with my irk.

"I'm not jealous, Edward. It's a question of professionalism. You are sharing my office, my space, and I ask you to respect that." He went to argue, but I was in no mood to listen. "Did you hire Las?"

I left no room for a comeback and caught him off guard.

"Las? Yeah, she starts tomorrow, and will help me get set up in my office."

"Good. I have a meeting now. I'll be back in an hour and would prefer not to come back to that -" I motioned to the cubicles outside our office. "- again."

I grabbed the files and my iPad from my desk, walking out while my anger still held my head high.

As far as I was concerned, the sooner Edward Cullen was out of my office and I could close the door on him, the better.

* * *

**So we get an insight in to how Bella and Edward met again...what do ya think? Is this their second chance?**

**"_You know, Edward, there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't do for a cup of coffee."_ - What would you do for a cup of coffee?**

**Thanks to my most wonderful girlies; Malloryknoxx (awesome pre-reader), EvilPumpkin (bad-arse beta), Twilly, Jess and Kikki (my dirty-minded WC buddies) and special thanks to Adri (OneOfEddie'sGirls) who is unintentionally named throughout this whole story and is back pre-reading after moving house and state. BIG HUG!  
**

**See you next week  
**


	6. Going Home Again

**Thanks to my friend, Perry Maxwell, who provided the soundtrack to the road trip…as she does for many of my real life road trips!**

* * *

_Stop and we start, asking all the questions_  
_Raising alarm, a symptom of the tension_  
_Though we're unarmed, we fumble through the trenches_  
_Taking apart all that we invented_

_We played the part til comfort's gone_  
_Now the only language is loss_  
_The language of loss_

_Alien - Cary Brothers_

**Chapter Six – Going Home Again**

I'd been five days since Edward Cullen walked back into my life and it felt like much longer. He was on my mind all the time. A lead weight had settled in my stomach. If I concentrated on the nervous energy that Edward brought up in me, I felt physically sick. An hour before work ended yesterday, I'd also lost my marbles.

_I looked up as someone knocked on my office door. _

"_Come in."_

_Edward stuck his head around_ _the door, not setting foot inside. He kind of looked like a floating head- a very handsome floating head._

"_What can I do for you, Edward?"_

"_I was speaking to Esme last night. I thought I might visit my parents this weekend."_

_I pretended to look down at the papers on my desk, distracted. I couldn't look at his face or I would stare and possibly drool._

"_That's nice."_

"_She mentioned that you would be in town for the wedding on the reservation. Could you give me a lift? I haven't driven on this side of the road for a while, and…"_

_Fuck! If I said no, I would look like the petty, spoilt child, and if I said yes, I would have to be in a confined space with Edward Cullen for nearly four hours…would I survive?_

_He must have seen my hesitation because his face dropped. "It doesn't matter. I'll hire a car."_

_Now I felt bad. "No, it's fine, Edward. I'll give you a ride. I'm leaving straight from the office, around three. Is that okay for you?"_

_I swear to God, his face could have lit up Seattle. "Sure. That's great. I'll, um, bring my overnight bag to work. This is great. Thanks, Bella." _

_His head disappeared. __I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, letting the tension of the conversation out of my body__._

That's why I was sitting at my desk, the clock reading two-fifty, thinking of ways to delay my departure. Procrastination was my middle name. I really hadn't thought this through; four hours in a car with Edward with no escape. Our history would come up, and given that I was still reeling from Edward's reappearance in my life, never mind bringing our past up. Was I ready to face it?

My phone rang, thank God, delaying the inevitable.

"Hello, Bella Swan speaking."

"Bella." Emily's whispered voice came over the earpiece. "Edward is pacing up and down past my desk and your office door. Will you get your ass out here and put the poor boy out of his misery?"

Fuck, time was up!

"Sure, Emily, I was just on my way out."

"Sure you were, Boss." Emily joked, her tone dripping in sarcasm.

I shoveled the last of my things into my purse, and took a deep breath before opening the door.

"Edward, sorry I'm running late. I was signing off some last minute documents," I lied. "Are you ready to go?"

Edward spun on his heel and turned to look up at me. I noticed the duffel bag in his hands.

"Yeah, yeah." He ran his free hand through his hair.

Was he nervous?

I gave myself a mental high-five. Edward Cullen unnerved. As I live and breathe.

"Well, my case is already in the car, so we should get going. I want to join Charlie for dinner. He only eats healthily when I'm home."

I led the way into the parking garage.

"Do you want me to drive?"

No one but me drove my baby.

"No offense, Edward, but the whole reason Esme doesn't want you driving to Forks is because you drive on the other side of the road, and the other side of the car, in the UK. Plus, Freddie is my baby, and only I drive her."

Edward held his hands up in mock surrender, so I popped the trunk for him to put his bag away, and got in the driver's side.

As soon as turned the car on, my iPod blasted out. I turned it off; I wasn't feeling Blondie like I had been this morning.

Edward climbed in and shut the passenger door. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. God, he had been in my car less than ten seconds, and I could already smell him. This was going to be a long-ass trip.

x-x-x-x

Luckily, I didn't have to stay in the car too long. As soon as it was parked on the Bainbridge Island ferry, I was out of there. Every nerve was on edge, and I was hyperaware of every move, every breath, and every sideways glance he made. I couldn't take it, and that was after only thirty minutes. How the hell would I last to Forks?

Edward found me leaning on the railing near the front of the ferry, allowing the Puget Sound air to clear my head.

"Are you having a Titanic moment?"

I laughed, and threw my arms out to the side. "I'm the king of the world!"

"Don't give up the day job, Swan."

Silence settled between us again, just as awkward as it'd been in the car.

"Bella, I'm –"

"Look, Edward –" We started together.

"You first."

"Edward, we have another three hours to go, can we at least try to find something to speak about, some kind of neutral ground?"

"Our history is…complicated. Do we have neutral ground? I'm uneasy about saying anything in case it's the wrong thing."

"Of course we have neutral ground; we have seven years of it. How about we talk about anything but our relationship?"

"Wow, that's a big –" He make large circles motions with his hands. "-area for us to avoid, but okay, let's try it."

My shoulders sagged in relief. Boundaries, at last. Boundaries were good; stability and guidance.

"How is Alice?"

In the week that Edward had been here, I hadn't asked about my old best friend once. My heart still panged every time I thought about her. Another casualty of my break-up with Edward.

"She's good; great, even. After she graduated, she took an internship with a designer in London. In fact, her move was a big prompt for me to move out there too. She lives back in New York these days with her husband Jasper."

I gasped in shock. My beautiful friend was married. A shot of loss echoed through me. The number of times I'd listened to Alice describe her wedding; fabrics in the dress, designs, color schemes. She'd even given me a list of duties she expected of me, as her maid of honor, to do. I still had that list, pinned in the journal I'd been writing at the time. Now I would never get to use it. Alice met her Prince Charming, and I hadn't even known.

A tear slipped down my cheek. Edward's hand covered mine on the cold steel of the railing.

"She sent you an invitation, but it was returned from your Chicago address as 'addressee unknown'. Jasper is a great guy; he treats her like a princess." He reached up to wipe the tear from my cheek. "She misses you. I haven't told her that you and I are working together. I wouldn't be able to stop her from getting on a plane, so I wanted to wait until you were ready to contact her."

"Will she forgive me?"

Edward smiled softly, his thumb rubbing circles on my cheek. "There is nothing to forgive. She understood."

"I'd like to see her again. I've missed her so much."

"I'm sure we can arrange it."

"Thank you, Edward. I'm sorry if I seem…hostile. This whole thing has just caught me off guard."

The tannoy announced that we were nearing Bainbridge Island and had to return to our cars. This time, I climbed in with a lighter heart.

Maybe we could do this after all.

A comfortable silence settled in the car as we travelled up Bainbridge Island and over Agate Pass Bridge. Edward's pseudo-ADHD kicked in, and he started to fidget with the buttons on the console. Finally, he turned off the stereo and sat back.

Silence.

I chuckled and waved the iPod in his face.

"Reception is spotty sometimes on the 101 so I just play my iPod.

"Holy heck, Bella. There are five thousand songs on this thing."

"I have a rule; I never delete anything off it. It's all music I have listened to some point in my life, and each song is a memory. You can't delete memories, so why should I delete songs?"

Edward nodded his head in agreement with me.

"Do you mind?"

"Nope. Passenger plays DJ. It's like an unwritten rule in the Road Trip Handbook."

"Hey, you have one here called 'Forks Road Trip'. It's pretty eclectic."

"Oh yeah. It's exactly timed from leaving my condo to arriving in Forks."

"How about we just leave it on shuffle and see where the music takes us. Do you still hate surprises, Bella?"

"Nope, I've come to embrace them. Gifts, I'm still shaky on though."

"Noted."

He hit play and the Backstreet Boys pumped out of the stereo.

"You have no taste, Swan. Next."

The sultry voice of Phil Collins filled the car, and Edward sat back, eyes closed and a content smile on his face. His lips mouthed the words as his long fingers tapped the beat against his thigh. I watched him, gaze flashing between my ex-boyfriend and the road. I'd dreamed a lot of things involving Edward over the last seven years, but this was not one of them: this was unimaginable.

His hands beat a tattoo across my dasboard at the drum fill; he sang along in velvet tones.

"Why this song?"

His question caught me by surprise. He'd been so into the song, but now his gaze was fixed on me.

"It was always playing on some 80s theme station I had on in my apartment in Chicago. Charlie is a huge Genesis fan, so I guess it reminds me of Forks, of those two years I lived with Charlie, getting to know my him."

We sat in silence, the music now playing low, and the scenery flying by.

"God, I've forgotten how beautiful this part of the world is. So green, so alive. The south of England has nothing like this. I'd forgotten green could be this…vibrant."

I wanted to say that I hadn't. That I knew a green as vibrant whenever I thought about him, but I didn't. It felt clichéd and inappropriate. A can of worms I didn't want to open.

"Tell me about it, about London. What's your life like there?"

"It's grey and wet. It rains all the time, no matter what season it is, you always have to carry an umbrella with you."

"Ha, it sounds just like Seattle."

"True, but it's different. London is huge; so many people and buildings. You can get lost in it or find your friends just around the corner. The Brits take some getting used to though. They're unfriendly to strangers, complain a lot, and still think they rule the world. But once you get used to them…I've made some incredible friends."

"So it's home?"

"It is for now, yeah. I mean, I will probably come back to the States eventually. But right now, I love it. What about you? How was Chicago?"

"I loved it. I seriously had a ball for a year. It was hard at first, after...well, you know, but I made the effort, and made it work. I interned with MacKenzie Brown there, and when I graduated they offered me a job in the Seattle office. I was ready to come home. I missed Charlie, and he'd just married Sue, so I had a whole new family to get to know. It was time."

"I can't believe the Chief married Sue Clearwater. I thought they would live in sin forever."

"Nah. Sue is great, and I finally got myself some siblings. Leah and I are close like sisters. Seth is in college in New York, doing engineering. The Chief is actually thinking of retiring!"

"What? No way. If he's not Chief, will he be allowed to keep his 'stashe?"

"I hope so, it's his biggest tell. Plus, he won't be able to threaten my boyfriends with jail anymore."

I pulled the car into the diner that I usually stopped at. A little mom-and-pop place, with a mini-store on the side, that sat right on the water. This was my usual stop for a cup of coffee on route to Forks.

"Yeah, I remember being on the receiving end of that particular threat a couple of times. God, that night I brought you home from your prom, he looked at me, his 'stashe twitching with thoughts of how many ways he could kill me and make it look like an accident."

I let out a full belly laugh as I remembered that night; one of the most memorable moments of my life.

"What made you think of prom?"

"This place reminds me of the night on the beach. Where are we?"

"Discovery Bay, just outside of Sequim."

I looked out of the windshield before stepping outside. Edward was right; it reminded me of First Beach too, except that the beach was pebbled instead of sand. The Olympic Peninsula was littered with bays like Discovery, most only accessible by kayak.

_As clichéd as it may sound, my whole prom night was magical. Edward was every fantasy come true. I couldn't stop staring at him in his tux; all lithe muscle and fine ass. Everyone stared with envy when we walked in. I even caught a couple of girls gossiping in the bathroom about how lucky I was. _

_We didn't really have a curfew. I was staying with Alice after the dance, but the Cullens were quite lax. More so because Edward was with us._

_I was standing on the edge of the dance floor, nursing a cup of spiked punch. Edward was off somewhere catching up with old baseball teammates. Arms snaked around my waist, pulling me against a hard body. I froze._

"_God, Bella, you look incredible."_

_My body relaxed into Edward. With his palms flat on my stomach, I could feel his heat through my dress. I fitted against him seamlessly, my head cradled in his shoulder, every curve and contour just perfect. _

"_Do you want to get out of here?" he muttered in my ear._

_Goosebumps spread across my body. "What about Alice?"_

"_No offense, I don't want my sister chaperoning us where I am planning to take you. She's gonna grab a ride with Jessica and Mike."_

"_Let's go.''_

_Edward drove us to First Beach. We weren't the only ones there. Bonfires littered the beach, so we approached an abandoned bonfire with embers still warm and bright. Edward had grabbed a blanket from the car and laid it out on the sand in front of the fire. He pulled me down to sit between his legs, my back to his chest. I could feel every heartbeat between us, every breath against my neck, his arms wrapped tight around me. The turn of events the night had taken was unexpected, but I couldn't deny it thrilled me. It felt natural, the progression from crush to…to what? I tried not to think about it too deeply, and instead concentrated on how relieved I felt at knowing my feelings weren't unrequited._

"_Bella, you don't know how long I've wanted to hold you like this." His voice was barely above a whisper._

"_How long?"_

_He nuzzled against my neck. "Since the day Alice brought you home. She was so happy to have someone that was just hers; someone that wasn't clambering to be friends with her just to get to Emmett or me. I couldn't take that away from her."_

"_And now? What changed?"_

"_I tried to stay away, but I couldn't."_

"_Then don't."_

"_Bella. Bella?"_

I could feel someone shaking me.

"Bella? Are you okay?"

Fuck, I had drifted away in my memories. Edward had crouched down, and was staring at me with a concerned frown. I shook my head lightly, trying to clear the fog of our past.

"Yeah…yes, sorry I was day dreaming. What did you say?"

"Why did we stop?"

"Coffee! I need coffee and a snack. I'm starving; I missed lunch today."

We were back on the road fifteen minutes later, refueled on coffee, ding-dongs and ho-ho's. Edward had been on a ho-ho binge since he had landed back in the US. His pseudo-ADHD kicked in again, fingers drumming on his thighs to the beat of the music, feet tapping an imaginary bass drum.

"_One thing I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme  
To explain in due time"_

I had forgotten how beautiful Edward's voice was. Deep and soulful, like waves on a gravel shore. His head was shaking side to side with every word as he lost himself in the music. I'd seen this Edward so many times as he sat at his piano in the Cullen house. So absorbed in his passion, nothing else existed.

I watched him from the corner of my eye, watching the road as carefully as I could. In that moment, the boy and man I loved were back, as if no time had passed at all. But like all moments, it passed. Taylor Swift blasted from the speakers. His eyes flew open, face grimacing at the poppy tune.

"Seriously, Bella. What the hell? Just when I was beginning to think you had taste."

I slapped the back of my hand to his stomach, not as hard as I would have liked, but still he curled over with an _umph_.

"Fuck."

"Don't ever call my musical taste in to question. That –" I shook a finger at the central console "- is Jake's idea of a joke. He does stupid stuff like that all the time knowing I don't delete anything."

"Well, for the sake of my eardrums, how about we try listening to some of my music?"

He didn't even wait for an answer; I was only the driver after all. Instead, he plugged in his iPhone.

The deep tones of saxophone and double bass filled the car. It was good to know some things never changed. Edward still loved jazz as much as he had when we were together. It'd been Edward who schooled me in the genre.

The final hours of the drive to Forks passed in relative harmony, filled with playful debate and sing-alongs to AC/DC and Rascal Flatts. I laughed so much I cried. Edward caught up on American politics, though he claimed British politics was much easier to understand and he would teach it to me some day. It was easy, so very easy, between us. There was no tension, no reminders of our past. Just Edward and Bella hanging out; just being us.

"Here we are."

I'ad pulled up at the Cullen house to drop Edward off. It'd been many years since I'd set foot inside. Whenever I was in Forks visiting Charlie, especially in the first few years after Edward and I split up, I tried to avoid the Cullens. It wasn't that I didn't want to see them. Quite the opposite; when I left Edward, I had left my second family behind too. I lost everyone.

I stared at the house that held so many memories, but had barely changed since I'd last seen it.

"Why don't you come in and see them?"

He'd caught me.

"What? Oh, no, it's okay. They haven't seen you in a while, and I'm sure they want catch-up time with you. No doubt I will see them around this weekend."

In truth, I was scared to face them after pulling away so long ago. They must hate me; I would. I had no idea how Edward painted the circumstances of our break-up to his parents, but I could imagine they would have taken Edward's side.

"Bella, I know."

"Know what?"

"I know they haven't seen you since we were last here together that Spring break."

I turned away to look at the house so Edward wouldn't see my face. Guilt was written all over it. I'd done what I did for their sakes, but still it hurt.

"They want to see you, Bella. Part of the reason my mom wanted you to drive me was so she could see you."

And there was the gentle Cullen guilt trip. It worked every time.

I didn't answer. Instead, I reached for the door handle and let the balmy forest air rush in. Edward rounded the car to join me, his duffel in his hand.

We didn't even make it up the porch steps before the front door slammed opened, and Esme flew out to greet us. Her arms wrapped tight around me, hands fisting in the back of my shirt to pull me closer. Her wet cheek pressed to mine, and fresh guilt flooded me again.

"Bella," she whispered, "It's been too long."

"I'm sorry."

Esme held me at an arm's length with a stern look on her face. Her thumb rubbed away my silent tears.

"No need for any of that. You're here now and that's all that matters to me."

She let me go to smother Edward in hugs and kisses. Carlisle gave me a soft, reassuring smile and pulled me into a hug.

"It's good to see you again, Bella, and thank you for bringing Edward here."

"It was no problem." _Well, it wasn't after the awkwardness subsided_. "I was coming into town for the wedding anyway. Will I see you there?"

"Of course -any excuse for Esme to buy a new outfit. It's going to be a beautiful day."

"I know, I can't wait. I also can't wait to be rid of Bridezilla Leah!"

"I can only imagine. She and the nurses always have their noses in her magazine when they're on break. She has this binder thing like Alice did. Crazy women."

I felt a pang of lose at the mention if Alice's wedding, but God bless Carlisle. It was if no time had passed at all.

Edward and Esme were still chattering amongst themselves, and started to head inside.

"You coming, Bella?"

It was too much at once for me. I wasn't ready to go back into the house that held so many memories for me.

"I can't, Carlisle. I'm having dinner with everyone, and I'm already a bit late. Another time?"

"Sure."

"So you'll be back to pick me up?" Edward asked.

"Of course. Garrett would kill me if I left the company golden boy in deepest, darkest part of Washington Washington state. I have to take you back to Seattle just to keep my job."

I tried to sound jokey, but it came off sounding slightly bitter.

"I'll see you on Sunday, Edward."

x-x-x-x

There was no denying it; no matter how long had passed, Forks never changed. The Thriftway and Newton's store still sat side by side. The gas station still had attendant service, as if the good people of Forks couldn't pump their own gas. The only change was the name above the garage attached to the gas station. It was no longer Wylie's, it was Black's; the name of my soon to be step-brother-in-law.

Charlie and Sue's house, my old home, had a fresh coat of paint, and a new porch had been installed. It was still home to me, though.

I grabbed my case and my made my way up the porch steps. No welcoming committee this time, though I didn't expect there to be. I expected disorganized chaos in the house, I'd already been warned it was ground zero for all things wedding, and I wasn't disappointed. There were things everywhere. Dresses hung on the back of doors in the protective covers, Leah sat in chair with the hairdresser putting the finishing touches to trial run hairstyle. Sue's at the table with a basket full of cellophane-wrapped cookies in front of her.

"Bella!"

I flung my arms around Sue and held her tight. She smelt of home and comfort.

"Thank God! You're late!"

"Well hello to you too, Leah. Lovely to see you too, sis."

Leah's play frown morphed into a wide smile as she threw her arms round me.

"I'm getting married in the morning," she sang. "Well, more like mid-afternoon, but you get my drift. Once you've put your bag down, can you help Mom with the last of the favors? Everyone is getting snickerdoodle and chocolate chip cookies."

"Cookies?"

Leah rolled her eyes. "It's a compromise. Jake wanted to have a pick-and-mix candy bar. I swear I'm marrying a giant kid sometimes."

"You love him really. But seriously, a candy bar?"

"He saw it on 'Four Weddings'. It's my own fault for watching trashy TV."

"So what do you need me to do?"

"Help Mom finish them off by tying the labels to them with that purple ribbon."

I picked one up.

_Jacob and Leah Black – August 25, 2012_

I ran my fingers over the black calligraphy.

"These are sweet, Leah. It's a beautiful idea. I'll just go dump my bags upstairs, then I'll get started."

We'd only been sitting in the kitchen half an hour when I heard the familiar heavy clump-thump of boots on the porch steps.

"Well, hell, Bells, you're home," Jake's voice boomed.

"Of course I'm home. You in a suit…it had to be witnessed."

"Oh you're funny, Swan." He covertly flipped me the bird jokingly, but Sue caught him and admonished it with a frown.

"Missus-to-be, can we add one more to the wedding?"

"For fu- "

"Leah!"

"Who do you want to add? Half the town is coming."

"Edward Cullen."

I sprayed cookie crumbs everywhere as I coughed and spluttered, choking on a rejected broken cookie.

"What?" Leah exclaimed.

"I invited Edward Cullen to the wedding. I was around at the Cullen's place dropping off a part that Daddy Cullen ordered, and Edward was there. It seemed rude not to invite him. Esme and Carlisle will be with us tomorrow, and he would be home alone."

"Jesus, Jake, he's not ten. I'm sure he could've survived a couple of hours on his own. What is he even doing in Forks anyway? Doesn't he live in France or something?"

"The UK," I piped in. "He's in Seattle for three months; working."

Three heads swiveled my way, eyes wide and staring.

"And you know this how?"

I chuckled, but it sounded more like I was choking again.

"He…um…he works for MacKenzie Brown in London. We're working on a project together in the Seattle office. I was the one that drove him to Forks to visit his parents.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

"Jesus, Bella! Why didn't you tell me?"

I gave a shrug that I hoped came off as nonchalant. "It's not a big deal," I lied.

I did enough overthinking and analyzing on my own without Leah adding to the fodder. Luckily for me, Charlie chose that moment to appear behind Jake. His proclamation of being hungrier than a spring bear put an end to the 'Edward' conversation…for now.

x-x-x-x

Anticipation was a killer. The waiting played a number on my already wired nerves. I'd been the same before my high school and college graduations; I had nearly thrown up. This was just as bad. If – no, more like when - I stumbled and tripped half way up the aisle, I wouldn't justembarrass myself, I would show up Jake and Leah too.

I really wished I'd taken the offered hit from Charlie's hipflask just before we left the house.

The piano started up.

"Fuck."

Seth chuckled beside me. "It's okay, sis, I've got you. You're holding on tight enough that even if you do trip, there is no way you're going down. I might also lose use of my arm from lack of circulation."

His joking helped as I let out a breath. My muscles relaxed, my breathing deepened, and I was nearly sure I wasn't going to vomit down my dress. The doors to the main hall opened, and we started to walk. Seth and I were the only attendants, given that I was standing in as best man as well as maid of honor. Seth was only there because I refused to walk down the aisle alone.

I took that first step. My foot wobbled slightly, but my ankle held. I let out a breath. I could do this. My third step followed a successful second, and before I knew it I was walking confidently. I even managed to look up and smile.

As soon as I did, I wished I hadn't. Edward. Half way down, he sat closest to the aisle beside his mom and dad. Carlisle must have lent him a suit, because Edward looked smart and dapper as all hell. It shouldn't, but his presence made my day. He reached out and brushed against me as I walked passed, catching my hand. Giving it a quick squeeze, he only let go when we got too far apart. My hand stretched, trying to hold on to the tingles that shot up and down my arm.

Before I knew it, I was standing at the bottom of the aisle, and Jake was making funny faces at me. The shake in his hands gave him away though. They jittered in excitement. Finally, the piano started up with the wedding march. Leah stood, her arm in Charlie's, glowing and smiling. As she started to walk, I was glad they'd chosen a church service. Leah looked simply stunning in her ivory dress. This was only the first ceremony; there would be a traditional tribal blessing, privately, just before the reception.

I couldn't tell you a single word that passed between Jake and Leah throughout the ceremony. Even as hard as I tried, I couldn't keep my eyes off Edward. At first it was just glances, looking away whenever we caught each other. We quickly stopped avoiding the inevitable. I used to think that one day this would be Edward and I; standing up in front of our friends, promising forever to one another.

"Psst, Bella."

Shit, the ceremony was over.

"Can I get my bouquet back? I've got places to be," Leah mumbled out of the side of her mouth.

"Fuckity, I'm sorry, LeLe." I handed back her flowers.

"Stop making gooey eyes at Cullen, grab Seth, and follow me. I'm the one in white."

"Funny, Clear…Black. Wow, that is going to take some getting used to."

x-x-x-x

"I can't do it." I batted away the fork.

"Just one more bite."

"I swear to all that's holy, Seth, if you don't get that piece of cake out of my face, I will smear it all over you."

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

"Would not."

"Try me." I leaned forward and took a bite of the cake.

Some of Seth's old reservation high school friends called him over. They looked way too happy and shifty to be up to any good.

"Don't forget Seth, your step-father's Chief of Police, he'll still bust you…trust me. He busted me at one of Mike Newton's parties. You puke in the cells, you clean it up."

"You're full of such sage advice, sis."

I patted Seth on the back as he headed off, slipping a packet of gum I was keeping in my clutch into his suit pocket with my other hand.

People-watching was a hobby of mine. Some people were sitting around the cleared tables, catching up. Other couples were moving around the dance floor, slow-twirling as Sinatra started to tell the world he was moving to New York, New York.

"What are doing?"

I stiffened at the velvet tones that caressed my ear. I somehow managed to avoid Edward for most of the night. I was aware of every move he made though. Even when I couldn't see him I could feel him.

"I'm wondering if I'll be like that when I'm their age." I pointed to a couple in their mid-sixties. The husband was dipping his wife carefully, who was laughing at his antics.

He took Seth's seat. "You could be like that now. Miss Swan, will you dance with me?"

I hesitated. We had agreed to be professional, but this was moving into 'old-times', even friendly, territory.

"It's only a dance, Bella. I'm not asking you to grow old and grey with me."

For some reason that actually stirred an ache in my heart. A part of me knew that it was dangerous for me to be so close to Edward. This would be blurring the lines. This _could_ be the start of something very messy.

His hand covered mine on the table, clasping it in his as he rose from the chair.

"Come on, Bella –" he tugged gently on my hand, " - you know you want to."

* * *

**Thanks again, as always, to oneofeddiesgirls (Adri) for coming back on board with amazing wisdom and her hate of the word 'had'! To Malloyknoxx and EvilPumpkin, a pair of pre-readers and beta's who deserve a medal! To Twilly, Kikki7 and JMolly who always, always have my back.**

**I had the honor of being nominated for Fic of the Week over at The Lemonade Stand. I didn't win but the love shown blew me away. Thanks to Evilnat and Nicff for amazing support**

Recs:

**Wild Child** (WIP) - if you only start one new story today...make it this one! It's so beautifully written. It also get the award for Edward I most want to strangle and shag all in one chapter - Just months away from inheriting a fortune and the family business, 17 year old orphan, Bella, is out of control – a wild child with a platinum card and a killer bod. Can Edward, as her legal guardian and CEO of Swan Publishing, rein her in and prevent her from ruining everything he's worked for? AH, - (slash) s (slash) 8251315 (slash) 1 (slash) Wild-Child

**Starshine **(COMP) - 200+ chapters of 100+ words of drabble fic...wonderfully done and I actually couldn't put it down...complete too. FLOVE it. Bella has work experience on the most eagerly anticipated film of the year. It features her favourite actor Edward Cullen. But is the real Edward anything like the man she thinks he is? - (slash) s (slash) 7879421 (slash) 1 (slash) Starshine


	7. Memorandum of Understanding

**Chapter 7 - Memorandum of Understanding**

There was no hope. From the moment he came up behind me, I'd lost the fight. I followed him to the dance floor, trying to remember to breathe as he pulled me closer into his arms. He kept trying to catch my eye, but I knew if looked at him, I would be a goner. On the dance floor, I could so easily forget our past; forget that we'd been apart for several years. I could just as easily remember all the reasons I'd loved him.

The song that had been playing faded into another one, and I heard a gravely, deep voice, so full of soul and an age gone by. The tune was frighteningly familiar. A tune I'd once loved, but now couldn't bear to hear. Edward knew it too. His hold on me tightened as he sensed I was ready to bolt.

_I see trees of green, red roses too  
I see them bloom for me and you  
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world_

"I'm sorry, Edward, I can't do this," I pleaded.

I tugged my hand a little, trying to put a little distance between us. Still he didn't let me go.

"I can't dance to this song."

"Why not? It's our song, Bella." He seemed confused and his voice sounded hurt.

"That's exactly why. This was going to be the music for the first dance at our wedding. Please, just let me go."

"I don't think that I can do that."

Somehow I didn't think he was talking physically. I couldn't be here right now. I tugged my hand free, and turned to shake off the hand on my waist. I needed to run before the tears building behind my eyes fell.

"Do you mind if I cut in, son?"

My body sagged slightly in relief, enough for Edward to finally release me. I said thanks to whichever deity had decided to intervene, even if I was swapping one Cullen for another.

"That would be nice, Carlisle, cut away."

Edward's gaze flickered between his father and me before walking away with a frown on his face.

"Thank you. That was…."

_What the fuck was that?_

"Thank you for what? Don't think you are getting off easy. I have been trying to get a chance to talk to you all evening. I'm owed a seven year catch up."

The smile on his face gave him away. I'd missed Carlisle. His presence was easy to be in, calm and collected. Some of my best memories were of sitting in the Cullen library with him, discussing literary geniuses or reading in companionship.

"You look beautiful, Bella, and I'm not just talking about the dress."

I felt my cheeks heat in a blush. "There is no doubt where Edward gets his charm from. You look very handsome yourself. The grey tie is very in vogue right now."

"You know me, always sneaking peeks at Esme's fashion magazines."

We turned in a half circle, and I caught Edward watching me intensely from a table off the dance floor. Was that a trace of anger in his face? We turned again, and he'd looked away.

"Thank you for giving Edward a ride. His mother is happy to have him home."

"It was nothing. I was coming out to Forks this weekend anyway."

"It doesn't matter why you're here. We're happy just to see you too. You weren't just Alice's friend or Edward's girlfriend, you were like another daughter to us. "

I could hear the sincerity in Carlisle's words, and I felt almost shamed at what I'd done. "I'm so, so sorry. It's just… I didn't want anyone to have to pick sides. After a while, it just felt awkward to come back and suddenly say 'hi'." I looked around the room, trying to avoid Carlisle's gaze.

"What sides, Bella? Why would we have picked sides?"

"You say I was part of the family too. When Edward and I split up, I didn't want your family to choose loyalties over what had occurred. When we split up, I ran all the way to Chicago never to be seen or heard from until now."

"Edward never told us what happened. We got a call one day to say that you and he'd broken up, and you moved out. He needed a hand to pack up his own things because he'd decided to get away for a while. He was so broken at the time that neither of us questioned him, and Alice was warned to leave well enough alone. We thought he would tell us in his own time, but that never came."

I was shocked. Given the closeness of the Cullen family, I thought he would have shared the details of how he thought Bella Swan was trying to trap him, so that she could be a part of his family forever. That he would have told them how much of a bastard he really could be, that his words cut sharper than a knife. How I'd walked away from him without so much as a backwards glance.

"What? Nothing?" I exclaimed. Edward really hadn't told his family what happened?

"Well, except to tell us that it'd been his fault. That h'd hurt you, but in the end needed to let you go. That it was your own business and not a family affair. That broke Esme's heart, and Alice tried emailing and calling you, but got no reply."

"I…when…" I was stunned into silence.

I twisted my head to find Edward. He was still in his sideline seat, watching us. His face was sad and a little lost.

_Did I even really know this man at all?_

Carlisle seemed to sense my bewilderment, and we stopped dancing.

"Have you spoken to Alice?" Carlisle asked, a hint of sadness in his voice.

"No, she doesn't know Edward and I are working together. He's buying me time."

"You should call her. I know she misses you."

"I will." And I meant it.

"I know Edward is only here for three months, but please, Bella, don't be a stranger to us anymore," Carlisle appealed.

"I won't." I vowed.

"Good, it'll make conversations with Charlie a little less awkward. There are only so many things you can ask him without mentioning your name." He chuckled.

Talk about a punch to the gut. In all this time, I'd only ever thought about Edward and me, never about the people who knew each other through us.

Our dance became more of a side-to-side shuffle coordinated by Carlisle, as the deep tones of Louis faded.

"Ladies and gentleman, the bride and groom are leaving us. Would you join us in wishing them off?" the DJ called out.

Carlisle gathered me close in a hug before leaving me to find Esme. I looked over to where Edward had been sitting. He was gone too. Even though it'd only been a week since Edward walked back into my life, it'd turned on its axis so many times, I was dizzy.

I knew Jake and Leah were staying the night in the Forks Inn, before heading to Port Angeles airport in the morning for a puddle-jumper flight to Seattle and onward to Hawaii. The reception wasn't ready to end yet, but given that I'd seen them making out in a nook behind the marquee that had been erected in the back garden. Looked like they just couldn't wait any longer.

The conversation with Carlisle was still swimming around my head. Who knew that a life could be upended in three minutes and thirty seconds? I walked away from the crowd gathered around Jake's VW Rabbit, and into the silence of the surrounding woods. Passing by the old Clearwater place, which was where Jake and Leah would settle into married bliss, I flicked a switch on the side of the house. The path wasn't lit; it didn't need it to be. I could walk this trail backwards with my eyes closed. I would probably end up with two broken legs and lacerations to my arms, but still.

There it was, mine and Jake's secret place. It was a hexagonal structure, built from the timber of the cleared trees, and a shingled roof. When we were a lot younger, and I would visit, we used to hang sheets down the open sides and play fort. Jake never took down the fairy light he'd hung for my seventeenth birthday

Sadly, our secret place wasn't such a secret anymore, if the lone, silhouetted figure was anything to go by. Unfortunately, I knew that figure well, and yet I couldn't turn away. Instead, I kept walking forward.

"Edward, what are you doing here?"

"Just… I needed to clear my head. What are _you_ doing here?"

"This is my hidey-hole. Billy Black and my dad built this place for Jake and me."

"Your dad was okay with you playing in the woods with Jake… alone?" He asked incredulously.

"We're not really in the woods. We're still within the Black and Clearwater property lines."

"So you were the one who switched the lights on? I just about shit myself. What is it? How come I never knew about it?"

"Jake and I wanted a tree house, and my dad felt bad enough about consigning me to Forks for the summer that he offered to build one."

"But this isn't a tree house, Bella."

"Yeah well, they thought a tree house with my clumsiness was not the best idea in the world, so they built one on the ground. Jake said that it would be too much like a girly playhouse, so they built a gazebo instead. It's Jake's and my's place, no one else was allowed here. Not even Alice."

Silence settled between us. I could still hear the DJ, though the music was faint in the background now. I picked out some cushions from an old trunk where they were stored along with some blankets.

"Here, before your ass goes numb."

I threw my cushion to the ground beside him, and dropped myself gracelessly to the floor.

"It's really nice out here."

"Yeah, for about an hour until you get eaten alive. Here -" I threw some bug spray at him, "- that will keep the biters away."

I shivered in my strapless dress, the August air warm, but breezy. Edward shrugged out of his suit jacket. Even though it was Carlisle's suit, it smelt all Edward. His scent hadn't changed a bit, sandalwood and earth with a feeling of home. I took a shuddering breath and locked the memories firmly away in their box.

"It's been a wonderful day, Bella. I'm glad Jake invited me. I still can't get over the fact that the Chief married Sue Clearwater. They look good together. I even saw your dad full-on belly laugh." He looked mockingly gobsmacked.

"She makes him happy, and that's all I want."

"Your speech was amazing too. I can't believe you took both spots in the wedding party. Talk about an overachiever."

I shrugged. "How could I choose between family and best friend? It was a small, informal wedding, so we could get away with it. But you're right, my speech rocked. It had everything." I breathed on my nails and pretended to polish them on my dress. I was the shit!

"Was the story about the paintball bruise to his groin true?" Edward grimaced in sympathy.

"Yep!" I couldn't help but laugh at the memory. "I didn't mean it; I was aiming for his solar plexus where it hurts. The bruise was like an inch away from his left testicle. The moron should have been wearing a cup."

Edward rocked back with laughter, his whole face lighting up. He looked like a little boy who'd just been told the best joke; so free and so alive. I smiled myself at the easy banter between is. My shoulders sagged as I felt the weight that had been my companion since he walked into the conference room, lift.

"Thank fuck you didn't follow the family business. You with a gun that fired actual bullets would be so bloody dangerous."

I playfully punched him in the arm. _Ass_! This only made Edward laugh harder. I couldn't help but stare at him. This was surreal.

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just funny. Your American accent has been coming back, but every now and again you say a word and your British accent comes back again. Very Mr Darcy."

"Don't go expecting a wet shirt exposé anytime soon."

I winked at him. "I already know what you look like under your shirt, why would I need it to be see-through?"

Fuck! Where was my verbal filter? I was the one that'd put a veto on any past relationship talk. Even Edward blushed. I pulled my knees into my body, as if curling up in a small ball would take back what I'd said.

"Does Leah know?"

"Know what?"

"That you've been wearing Chucks under your dress?" He nudged my foot with his.

"I wore the heels to the ceremony, but as soon as it was over I was out of them. Charlie kept them safe for me, but look, they match my dress. It doesn't matter anyway, Jake and Leah have gone to the Forks Inn. If they stayed on the rez, they would get no peace."

"I'd forgotten how close you and Jake were." He nodded to our names etched into a wooden post. "He's helping my dad rebuild a 1956 Jaguar roadster."

"Really? Jake must be in heaven with that one. He lived with me in Seattle for a year while he was completing a business course. After Wylie retired, he offered Jake the garage. Some of the rez boys work there and he's just opened a body detailing area and an apprenticeship program."

"You sound so proud of him."

Pride filled my voice. "I've always wanted a brother, and now I have one. Well, as much as Leah is my sister."

"You know, Alice used to say that about you and me. When we came out, us being together, I don't know what she was more excited for: her brother being happy or the chance of gaining you as a sister."

An awkward silence settled between us. How could I answer that? _Well, that's never going to happen now._

"Sorry, I forgot we have a veto on talking about our pasts." His voice was wistful and sounded hurt.

I reached over without thinking. His gaze flickered to where my hand rested on his. "It's not that, Edward. It's not that I don't want to talk about it. I just don't see the point. It's in the past; we're in the present. Talking about it doesn't change it."

I swallowed back a lump in my throat. I'd toed the same party line since we'd split up. Some days it was the only thing that kept me going. I had to believe that the past was just that; that there was nothing for Edward and me anymore.

"No, but it can change the present. Before we were... more, we were friends. You were my best friend, and I miss that. I have missed my best friend for seven long years."

I went to interrupt him, but he held up his free hand.

"I know we can never go back to best friends, but I do want to see if we could have a friendship again. What do you say? Friends?"

Edward held out his hand to shake, our other hands still joined in his lap. What was I meant to say? Could I be friends with a man I'd once loved with all that I was? Just friends! Could a man and woman ever be _just_ friends?

What the hell! He was only here for three months. And as I sat in the gazebo in my bridesmaid dress, my hand oddly at home in his, I wondered just what harm trying could do. I slipped my free hand into his, and shook hard.

"Friends." I said firmly. The more I said it, the more I would eventually believe it.

Our awkwardly-crossed hands lingered between us, a symbol of our tenuous truce.

"Bella? Bella?"

Charlie's voice drifted through the trees. He knew where I was, but he was giving me time. I dropped Edward's hands, the night air swirling in to steal their warmth. Standing, I shrugged out of Edward's jacket and handed it back.

"I'm glad you came, Edward, and I'm glad you're in Seattle." I looked away nervously. My Chuck-clad feet were bouncing off the ground. A sure sign that I was out of my comfort zone. These feelings were way out of the where I was comfortable, the bubble I'd built post-Edward.

"Will I see you tomorrow?"

I flashed him a shy grin, growing into a fully-blown smile when I caught him smiling back at me. "Sure, someone has got to take your pseudo-British ass back to Seattle."

"You'll pick me up around four?"

"Sounds good. Sweet dreams, friend."

"Yeah, that's gonna get old really fast."

"Not as fast as you think, Bella."

x-x-x-x

There was something about waking up in your childhood bed. Those blissful seconds of awakening where you were sixteen again, and the only things you had to worry about were what to wear to school and whether everyone knew you are still a virgin.

God, I wished those few seconds lasted a bit longer. Even though I'd been far from drunk last night, I woke with the residual headache you got from drinking wine for six hours straight. I rolled over and grabbed my phone to glance at the time.

Ten AM! Fuckity, I'd overslept.

"BELLA!"

Oops, that was the Chief Swan voice. He yelled again. Yep, definitely his 'rally the troops' call. I had about ten seconds before he knocked on my door. His MO was classic and consistent.

I counted down and sure enough…

"Bella, are you up?"

"What, dad?"

"We're going for breakfast."

That was code for 'we're going to awkwardly sit in silence while attempting to talk'.

"Dad, you had breakfast hours ago. What's going on?"

"Just put some clothes on." That was a tone that left no room for argument.

"Fine, fine. I'll be down in fifteen minutes."

After a quick shower, I threw on a pair of capri pants and a fitted shirt. It was still warm, but the sun had yet to warm the air so it still nipped.

The car was silent as we made our way to the diner in Charlie's cruiser. I could almost be sixteen again and on my way to Forks High School on my first day. The diner was full of the usual crowd; I swore their names should have been engraved on the back of the seats by now.

We sat at Charlie's usual table and sat there, looking over menus like we didn't know what we were going to order.

"So, Edward's back." His 'stache twitched.

Ah, my dad. Straight to the point and cutting no BS. "Yep." I wasn't going to give an inch.

"You okay?"

I smiled softly. I loved my dad so much. "I'm fine, dad. It was… awkward; still is a little. We're gonna try to be friends."

"Carlisle says he's only back for a little while."

"Yeah, three months, then he goes back to London."

"Are you ready to say goodbye again?"

I felt like I was a girl again. "It won't be like that this time. We're not even friends yet. We'll both try our best to get through this, keep it professional. Then he'll go home, my office area will stop being a thoroughfare for every female in the building, and things will be like he was never even here."

"Bella, I know I don't say a lot, and I don't always seem interested…"

I went to interrupt, but he held his hand up.

"I am interested. I listen to Sue after she's called, and Leah shares some things that aren't in confidence."

Well that was news to me. I knew Charlie cared, but I didn't know that Charlie kept tabs on me. It was strangely reassuring. With one parent already absent from my life, it was nice to know I had another parent who cared.

"From the moment you met that boy, you were gone. I worried. He was a boy. A senior boy. To be honest, I didn't know how to deal with any of it. I didn't know anything about bringing up a teenager. You were a girl. My first instinct was to shoot boys first and ask questions later. The Cullen boy seemed okay. I mean, I never saw him in a professional capacity, so he had that going for him -"

I couldn't watch Charlie flounder anymore. "Dad, it's okay. Edward and I were just friends before I went to UDub. We did it once, we can do it again."

"I know that, Bells. But I watched that man break your heart -"

But… I could hear it silently hanging in the air. I made to interrupt him.

"I know, I know it was a mutual thing, but something made you run all the way to Chicago. I don't want anything to make you run again."

I put my hand on Charlie's. "I have nothing to run from Dad. We're barely friends."

"You keep saying that, Bells, but that boy has you all tangled up in knots again. I saw you two at the wedding, making googly eyes at each other."

"I think you need to seriously to think about retiring. Your eyesight is starting to go."

"Ha ha. Just let me know if I need to come down with my gun. The Seattle guys will back me up."

"Thanks, dad, I love you too."

x-x-x-x

Leaving my dad and Sue's house turned out to be a quick process. Charlie had taken himself off to the station in case it'd fallen apart in one day… when most of the squad was at the wedding. Seth gave me a tackle hug before continuing to nurse his hangover. Sue hugged me goodbye, told me that she would back my dad up in Seattle if I needed it, and told me to visit more.

The Cullen house was different.

"In here are some sandwiches, some muffins I made this morning, and a thermos of coffee. Oh, and that bag had frozen left-overs."

"Mom, we're heading back to Seattle, not Alaska. There are rest stops along the way; we're not going to starve."

"I know but I only have you for a little while. Let me spoil you. Bella, there is a banana loaf in there for you too."

I really had missed Esme Cullen.

I threw Edward the keys so he could put his duffle in the trunk.

"I'll see you guys in a couple of weeks. Dad's conference is on the 12th?"

Esme pulled me in to a tight hug. "It's been good to see you again, Bella. We've missed you."

"I missed you too, Esme."

"Do me a favor, call Alice. She would love to hear from you."

"I will, I promise."

Edward was standing beside the driver's side. Twirling the keys around his finger.

"What do you think you are doing?"

"I'm gonna drive us back."

"Oh you are, are you?"

"Well, I have to get back in the saddle somehow, and the 101 is probably a good road to start on. Plus, you know I was always the better driver."

I couldn't be mad at him. His cheeky boy smile and bright eyes had always been my weakness. And he knew it.

"Fine," I chuckled.

"Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be. I still have my way with you, Swan." He flashed me a smirk.

What a cheeky bastard! I stayed silent. He was right; he did.

The 101 was quiet as we made our way back to Seattle. It was amazing what could change with a weekend. Leah and Jacob were married. Charlie and I had a serious conversation that consisted of more than five words. Edward and I were friends… friends! I'd never seen that coming.

Edward's mouth moved silently to the lyrics of 'Blue Magic', catching every second or third word but nailing the end of each line. His fingers drummed on the steering wheel to the beat; his long, lithe, sexy fingers. My mind wandered; I knew what those fingers could do. I needed to get off this train before it derailed in spectacular style.

"You like this song?"

"God, this song brings back memories. What are you doing with Jay-Z on your iPod? I never knew you were into hip hop."

"Firstly, Jay-Z and Pharrell Williams together rock, who wouldn't want to have this bouncing around their brain? Secondly, Jake went through a whole gangsta stage. Leah knocked it out of him, but not before he could infiltrate my iPod. So, what's your memory?"

I knew that this had come out around 2007 when Jake and Leah were just starting to date. Edward would have left the US by then. I wanted to know more about the time we'd been apart. A morbid curiosity yanked at my mind… and my heart.

"This song was everywhere that summer. I was travelling around Europe with a couple of mates. We'd been in London a few weeks and decided to move on. There was this whole fare war going on with the airlines and my mate Jamie booked these fifteen-pound tickets to Berlin. We packed up and left the next day. The problem was that we never booked accommodations, and there was a music festival going on. So we're rattling around Berlin with our backpacks and nowhere to stay because it's the last day of Popkomm. I could have killed Jamie with his hair-brained schemes. So we made the best of it, checking out a couple of gigs. We actually had a good time. By the end of the night, we were knackered, so we did what any homeless person would do… we headed for the train station."

"You slept in a train station? The same Edward Cullen who always wanted to take his own sheets when we stayed in a hotel, slept in a train station. Wow! I'm impressed. So what happened? You get molested by an old woman with a tinfoil hat?"

"Have you ever seen Berlin Central Station?"

I shook my head. I'd never been to Europe.

"It's this brand new, giant glasshouse. Luckily it was September so there was no chance of freezing to death. After the festival, there was a mass exodus, and we were able to get a room the next day. Anyway, to keep us entertained, our other friend Sparky – his real name was Mark – played the album on loop. Whenever I hear any song from this album, it reminds me of fun times in Berlin."

"So what else did you guys do in Berlin?"

"I travelled around Europe for three months before I finally settled in London."

"I remembered that we talked about doing that, before…" I trailed off in sadness. Another thing I never got to do.

Jay-Z's voice filtered out, leaving the car in silence. Edward opened his mouth several times as if to speak, but quickly closed it.

"Did you ever travel?" He was genuinely curious.

"No, I never found the time. After Chicago, I needed to find a job to pay off the loans from my Masters." I tried to hide the regret in my voice. "Maybe one day I'll get around to it, but right now I am a confirmed workaholic."

"When you do go to Europe, don't forget to look me up in London."

I smiled sadly. Part of me was happy that he could see our friendship lasting long enough for me to get my act together and actually travel. Another part of me was sad at the reminder that in less than three months Edward would be returning to the UK. I might never see him again.

We made good time in making it back towards Seattle. Edward insisted on stopping at Discovery Bay again, the bay we'd spotted on the journey to Forks. We sat on the pebble beach eating the sandwiches Esme made, along with amazing, gooey brownies. The sun was starting to drop out of the sky as we packed up to get back on the road. The colors that blazed across the near-cloudless sky were remarkable.

By the time we made it back to the city limits of Seattle it was night time, and the traffic was light. We decided I'd drop Edward off rather than have him catch a cab from my place. Plus, I wasn't ready for him to come into my life that way.

His apartment was in a serviced apartment building that MacKenzie Brown used to house clients when they were in town. Soulless boxes, mirror images to the ones next door and across the hall. We pulled up, and I jumped out, suddenly antsy and claustrophobic. I didn't want to burst the bubble of the weekend. Now we had to get back to reality, back to a world full of reminders of what we'd been. Did he feel the same? Was he going to ask me up? I wasn't ready to see his apartment, but I also didn't want the crushing disappointment when he didn't ask. Luckily, Edward was too busy in the trunk grabbing his bag to notice me jigging from one foot to the other.

"So this is you. Casa de Cullen – well, for now anyway."

"Yeah, it's not home for me. But it's a comfy bed, sheets provided by Esme, and a hot shower. A lack of good beer aside, it's fine."

"As long as you are comfortable." Why was I dragging this out?

"Thanks for taking me to Forks. It was great to see my parents. My dad is actually talking of retiring, but my mom isn't convinced. Leah and Jacob's wedding was amazing. It's so weird to see Jacob all grown up."

"I didn't realize until yesterday, seeing him up there in his suit. I'm glad he married Leah though; they are perfect for each other."

I shivered in the chilly night air.

"I should be going in." I couldn't be sure, but he sounded reluctant to leave.

My hand reached out to stop him from leaving, but I dropped it quickly.

"Well, I will see you in the office tomorrow."

He dropped his bag and pulled me into a hug.

"I'm glad we're friends again, Bella." He whispered in my ear.

I shivered again, and not from the cold this time. He let me go with a soft smile.

"I'll be seeing you, Bella Swan."

* * *

**Wow, your responce to the last chapter was awesome...the overwhelming consenses was "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED SEVEN YEARS AGO?"...You'll just have to wait!**

**Thank you as always to oneofeddiesgirls, EvilPumpkin, Malloryknoxx for their wonderful work on this! Hugs and tequila shots to my WC girlies, Jess, Kikki7 and Twilly!**

**So news time: I am heading off on vacation on Friday! I'm off to see my parents in Europe...this means that I won't be able to update until the 28th October. I'm so sorry, but i promise, the next chapter is a corker so please stick around.**


	8. Reconnection

**I'm back from a most amazing vacation, people. Awesome times were had, and my liver may never recover. On the other hand, I did get some writing done on the plane!**

* * *

_That you and I were made for this  
I was made to taste your kiss  
We were made to never fall away  
Never fall away_

_**Civil Twilight – Letters from the Sky**_

**Chapter Eight - Reconnection**

I felt a shift between Edward and me after our return from Forks. The tension between us had lessened, and we were actually trying to make a go of our fragile friendship pledge. We'd even stepped out of the office for coffee together. A big milestone, especially since I'd spent most of the first week wanting to throw coffee _at_him.

Even as I waited for him on a crispy, near-fall Saturday, the novelty of our renewed friendship still had me excited. Edward admitted that he hadn't been to Pike Place Market since returning and wanted a "native" to show him around. I reminded him that he'd gone to college in Seattle, and I knew for a fact that he'd taken many visiting friends and family to check out the flying fish back then; I was often with him.

I saw Edward through the crowd before he saw me. He wandered along, paying no particular attention. The crowd seemed to part subconsciously as he walked. Not quite a god among men, but pretty damn close. I laughed to myself at his obliviousness. The demigod stopped in front of me, confused at my laughter.

"What?"

"You really don't see it, do you?" I shook my head. "Nevermind. So how are you?"

"I'm okay. I really needed to sleep in this morning," he joked before pulling me into a hug.

This was another shift - physical contact between us. After Edwards return from the UK, touches had been slight and reserved. Since Forks, our contact had been a lot more pronounced and mostly initiated by Edward. I was happy that he was the one now setting boundaries for us. I caught his wide smile as he pulled away and smiled back. "So why are we here? This is a tourist trap."

"Have you ever just been a tourist in Seattle? We were here for college, and you've been back here for six years, but have you ever been done any of the touristy stuff?"

I shrugged. "Alice dragged me up the Space Needle once. But, Pike Place Market…really?"

"We're here for two reasons. We get to come here and laugh at all the tourists with their oversized Nikons set on auto."

I couldn't help but snicker. Too true. "You said two reasons. What is the other?"

"I'm cooking dinner. Tonight. For us. We're here for ingredients."

"Us?" I exclaimed. "As in you and me?"

Edward chuckled. "That is generally the connotation of _us_."

_Dinner with Edward…in his apartment…alone…a bad idea._

"Who says I'm free tonight? I might have plans - dinner with friends, a hot date." He flashed me a quirked eyebrow and a smug smile. "Or, you know, painting my toe nails and eating Ben and Jerry's."

"So you _are_ free then! I was thinking Mediterranean. It's still your favorite, right?"

I couldn't help but smile. His remembrance of my favorite was a small reminder at just how close we'd been, even when we weren't dating. For our first official date he had taken me to this hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant that was so far out of the way I'm not sure how he found it. The food was amazing, and the waitress kept winking at Edward – much to our chagrin.

"Yeah, it's still my favorite. So what are you making me, Cullen? And do I have to pre-warn the fire department?"

He playfully punched my arm. "Hardy har, Swan. My cooking is amazing."

"Huh? When did you learn to cook?"

"Italy," was all he offered.

"How? What's the story?"

Edward flashed me a naughty grin. "If you show up tonight, I might tell you."

I opened my mouth to protest, but he cut me off.

"And don't bring anything. I'll pick up the wine. Do you like red wine?"

I nodded.

"Great, well, let's ingredient shop then." He hooked his arm in mine and set off on a mission.

I watched Edward as he picked up vegetables - squeezing them, sniffing them, talking with vendors about their origin and freshness of their produce. This was a side of Edward I'd never seen before. The Edward I used to know couldn't boil water. Another change that showed how estranged we now were. I lost my best friend when I lost my boyfriend.

We spent the rest of the morning wandering around the market. Edward snapped pictures on his phone, stopping tourists to take photos of us posing outside stalls. We stopped for some of Ivan's famous chowder served up in bread bowls. Edward remembered the little café stall from college and wanted to revisit old memories. We reminisced on the first time I'd been there when Edward brought me after a really bad midterm. It was a simpler time, when we were still renewing our friendship, but before our relationship confused everything.

It was through some sly negotiations and quite a bit of convincing that I was now sitting on the sofa in Edward's temporary apartment. My phone was in one hand, a piece of paper with a Manhattan area code on it in the other.

Alice.

"You know, your phone won't dial itself. Even Siri needs prompting."

I chuckled nervously. Why was this so hard? "Could you do it?"

"I think this should come from you, Bella. What are you worried about?" He asked in concern, plopping himself on the arm of the sofa beside me.

"She's going to hate me. I basically cut her off."

"Alice won't hate you, Bella. I don't think Alice even knows how to hate. Yeah, she's gonna be a little pissed. I mean, you basically dropped out of her life and ignored all her phone calls. What emails you did send were vague and general."

Edward wasn't making me feel any better about this. He sat down, draping an arm over my shoulder and squeezing me close to him in comfort.

"To be honest, she is going to be so chuffed to hear from you that she'll overlook the lack of contact…at least for a while."

"Chuffed? What the hell is chuffed? Is she going to be angry with me? I don't blame her but chuffed!" My heart sank at the thought.

Edward placed his hands on my shoulders to keep me still. "Chuffed means happy or ecstatic. It's a British thing."

"Pft, whatever. It's a stupid word."

Still I stared, turning my cell phone around and around in my hand.

"Here–" He took the cell phone from my hand and began dialing a number. "I'll start the conversation off, but you need to speak to her."

I nodded. If I spoke, I might vomit. Edward clicked it over to speakerphone.

"Hello, Alice Whitlock, speaking."

"Alice, it's Edward."

"Edward, why are you calling me on a strange number? You dropped your phone in a pint of beer again, didn't you? How's Seattle?"

"I am on a friend's phone, and no, my phone is just fine. Seattle's good. It's nice to be back on American soil again. Actually, Seattle is the reason I'm calling you. I bumped into an old friend."

"Male or female?"

"Alice! She's a female."

I could hear Alice clap her hands. I could just see her marching up some New York avenue, hands-free set clipped firmly to her ear.

"Alice, it's not like that. You actually know her."

"Oh? Who? You've got to tell me, Eddie."

Edward prodded me to talk to the phone. I slapped his hand away. He kept coming, turning into tickling at my side.

"Stop…stop. Please…okay, okay, I'll talk."

"Hello…what's going on?"

"Hello, Alice," I whispered as I tried to calm my shaking voice.

"Hello?"

"Alice, it's Bella…Isabella Swan."

Silence.

I'd heard the phrase _roar of silence_ before but never thought it to be true. The whole point of silence is it's, well, quiet. But it isn't. Instead, the quiet filled my eardrums in a loud, low growl. Roaring silence.

"Bella? Is it really you?" her voice whispered.

Gone was the hyper, happy woman of moments ago. Shame filled me. I did this. I was the one who walked away. Having all the best intentions in the world didn't make it right.

"Yes, Alice. It's really me."

Thankfully the phone was on speaker. When I looked down at them, my hands were shaking violently. Edward grabbed them, pulling them into his lap. Warm, encasing hands calmed me. I don't know what I expected from Alice - surprise, anger, or even judgment. Who knew how time had changed her view of me.

There was a sniffle. Then another.

"Edward, speak to her. I don't want to upset her more…honestly, please. Just..." I was starting to get frantic.

"Happy tears, Bella. Happy tears. You have no idea how long I've waited for you to call me. I knew one day I would hear from you again," Alice cried.

I could hear the smile in her voice. Large thumbs wiped away tears I didn't know I was crying. Edward had a goofy grin on his face, tinged with a little "I told you so."

"I'm so so so sorry, Alice. I just…"

"Nevermind all that. The past is the past. What the hell are you doing in Seattle with Edward? Last I knew you were in Chicago."

"God, that was so long ago! I moved back to Seattle after I finished college. Edward and I actually both work for MacKenzie Brown. I am Edward's new partner on the Volturi account."

She burst into laughter. "Oh, this is classic! Wow, fate couldn't have dealt a funnier hand if she tried." She laughed again. "I can't believe it…after so long."

"Alice. Alice!" I shouted trying to get her attention. Not _that _much had changed then.

"Sorry. Oh my God, I have to come out there. I could get a few days off, but then, shoot, we're going to Texas for my mamma-in-law's birthday, so we would have to fly from New York to Seattle, then to Texas– "

"ALICE!"

"What?"

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise. Go to Texas, and we'll see you sometime after. We have time."

Edward squeezed my hands, which had stopped shaking, before heading for his kitchen. I could hear the rustle of paper and plastic bags as he unpacked our finds from Pike Place Market. I picked up the phone and turned it off speaker, swapping seats so that I could watch Edward covertly while I spoke to Alice. The scene was surprisingly domestic, but it didn't frighten me as much as it did in the past; it didn't frighten me at all.

"I know you're not, but…I just want to know everything. I've missed you so much. I'm coming there the weekend after Texas. Don't try and talk me out of it."

"I can't say sorry enough, Alice. Edward tells me you got married."

"Yeah, I did, going on five years now. His name is Jasper, he's from Texas." She dropped into Southern accent. "We met in college."

"You married a cowboy?" I laughed.

"Yep, yep. You should see him in his ranch get-up when we go to his mamma's house. Fuck, hose me down now!"

I couldn't help but giggle along with her. It was like old times. We swapped general updates on the last seven years. She asked about Charlie and was glad to hear he still rocked a 'pornstache.' My eyes kept wandering to the kitchen. Edward was rolling out dough before picking it up and rolling it through a machine.

"Are you making your own pasta?" I asked in disbelief.

He threw a cocky grin my way and continued to roll dough.

"My brother is showing off his cooking skills again. One taste and you're putty in his hands."

"Alice! It's not like that. We're just having dinner, catching up," I cried out. The last thing I needed was Alice getting the wrong idea.

I watched his brow furrow in apparent upset, but when he caught me looking, his face quickly straightened out into disappointment. This was just dinner…right?

She chuckled. "What's he cooking you?"

"Don't know; he won't say." I was still watching his over-deliberate, methodical movements.

"Ah."

Even after all these years I knew that 'ah.'

"You know don't you? Alice Mary Cull-" I stop short. "What are you now?"

"Whitlock."

"Alice Mary Whitlock, do you know what he's cooking me?"

"I'm not saying anything. Well, gotta go, Bella. I'll drop Edward an email about flights for the following weekend, and we'll get some plans in place. I'm just sorry we can't get there sooner. Still, I'm so glad he found you again."

"But–"

It was too late; she was gone. I smiled to myself. My little pixie friend hadn't changed at all - still meddling where she shouldn't be.

"Well?" Edward asked, handing me a glass of wine. His demeanor had lost most of its tense stand.

"She's flying in the weekend after next. Something about going to her mother-in-law's birthday."

Edward sat back on the arm of the chair beside me. His thigh lay against my arm, and I could feel his heat through my shirt.

"Ah, Mamma Whitlock. She's a hoot. So you and Alice...?"

"I think we might be good. We'll see the weekend after next. She's bringing Jasper with her. I get to meet a real life cowboy."

Edward chuckled. "Don't get your hopes up too high, Bella. Jasper hasn't lived in Texas since he graduated college nine years ago. He plays his southern twang up for the ladies."

"Kinda like you use this British thing you have going on?"

At least he had the good graces to look bashful. "I don't need it, and you know that." He flashed me hooded eyes before wiggling his eyebrows.

Fuck, he had me there.

"Salute." I knocked my glass against his, smirking at the look of surprise on Edward's face with my knowledge of Italian. I loved catching him off guard.

"Cincin."

Dinner surprised me. His tagliatelle al tonno was just amazing. Everything, including the pasta and tomato sauce, had been made from scratch. Dinner was so natural and relaxed. The wine may have helped, but Edward and I were able to sit down just the two of us and actually talk. There was no awkwardness, no stilted conversations. We were friends catching up.

After a bottle and half of wine, I left Edward's apartment in the back of a cab. I watched him disappear through the back window. I sat back in my tipsy haze. I realized for the first time since Forks that Edward and I could maybe make this friends thing work.

x-x-x-x

Work continued in the same vein as it had since Edward arrived two weeks earlier.

It was amazing how quickly life could turn around. We were progressing well on the project with Volturi, all working as a well-oiled machine. Las had been a great addition to the team, joining Emily, Lauren and I for lunch when she was in. Her big, bubbly personality had us all in stitches, and I wanted to find some way of keeping her when Edward…

_So not going there right now. I wasn't ready to think about Edward leaving Seattle._

Las was also my shining star when it came to keeping away Eddie's Girls. Whenever Edward walked through the office, it was disruptive. My colleagues, both male and female, turned to watch him. I knew Edward was sickeningly good looking, but it was getting ridiculous. When Las was in, her gate-keeping skills would keep the girls away but in her off-hours, Edward was free meat. Every now and again, it would get the better of me, and I would storm out of my office and shoo them back to their desks. After the third or fourth time, even I had to admit to myself – I was jealous…and it didn't sit well with me.

"Um…"

I looked up at the sound of a throat being cleared. I was shocked to see Edward standing in my office doorway:tie missing, first couple of shirt buttons undone, and his shirt sleeves rolled up.

_Fuck me._

I may have come a little. I was starting to wonder if I was obsessed with this man's arms. He had lithe, slightly tanned forearms with only a smattering of dark hair.

"You're tanned?" I blurted out. I hadn't noticed it as much until I'd seen the tan-line between his forearm and underarm.

"Huh?" He followed my gaze to his arms. "Oh, I like to run, so I guess I have caught the sun a little. Thanks for noticing."

I was beginning to love and hate that smug smile of his in equal measure.

"What do you want, Edward?" I bit out.

"I've just had a call from Aro Voturi's office. He's the–"

"CEO and founder of Volturi, I know."

"Well, he's coming to Seattle next Tuesday to meet with a potential hire for a job as US CEO. He wants to take us to dinner before the meeting on Tuesday. Are you free?"

"Even if I wasn't, I would clear my dance card for you. I'll let Emily know to put it in my calendar. Will he want a presentation?"

"Yep, something short though. He prefers to take information away with him, so I'll put something into brochure form. You have a printing contact, right?"

I flashed him my 'no shit' face. "Yep, Emily has the number. They can do a three-hour turnaround if we package it here. Looks like we're working this weekend?"

"Your place or mine?"

"What? Huh?" I spluttered.

_Did he want… Did I want to… Dear God, I wanted to!_

"Well… my place is…" I couldn't get my words out. I felt like a virgin on prom night. I _was_ the virgin on prom night.

"For working this weekend. It _would_ go quicker if we worked on it together."

I wanted to smacked myself in the face with stupidity. "Work…yes…right. How about mine? I have a mobile office, and I believe it is my turn to cook."

"Oh, God, can you cook those tomato fajita things you used to make when we were in college? I haven't found anything close to them again."

My ego swelled at his praise. I still had something he couldn't find anywhere else.

_My mind was really living in the gutter these days._

"Sure, but you're helping with the chopping. And bring beer."

"Hey," I call back. "Speaking of alcohol, you're joining us for drinks tonight, right?"

"Who's 'us'?"

"Um, Emily, Lauren, and Garrett."

"You have drinks with the boss?"

"Sure. After four-thirty on a Friday, Garrett is not your boss…he's just one of us. He tells the filthiest stories. Oh, and Angela Weber might join us."

"Yeah sure, why not. I've got an hour to get stuff done then."

"Good, see you then. And, Edward, leave the tie off. This relaxed look…suits you."

x-x-x-x

We were three rounds and four baskets of wings into our night when Garrett finally addressed the elephant in the room.

"So, Edward, you and Swanny here went to college together?"

"Yes, sir…Garrett."

"I bet you have some interesting stories to tell about our little Bella, here."

"Oh, come on, Garrett, that's not fair," I protested. God knows what Edward would tell them.

"I don't know, Swanny," Edward teased. "He's right; I have some pretty good stories."

"You wouldn't dare."

He winked at me, and I blushed. "There was this time in high school when Bella was in Bio. They were doing blood typing–"

I groaned and dropped my head into my hands. I knew where this was going.

"I'm heading to the restroom with my hall pass, and I see Mike Newton walking out of the Bio lab, half holding up, half dragging a near unconscious Bella to the nurse's office. Well, at first I thought he was dragging her off to god-knows-where." He turned to me. "Mike always did want in your pants, Bella." His voice had the same edge it always had when talking about Michael Newton.

"No he didn't." Edward shot me a look. "Fine, he did, but he was just being a nice guy."

"Whatever. Anyway, he obviously couldn't carry her, so I offered to help. He just kept trying to pull her back, as if she was some ragdoll. Mr. Banner, the bio teacher, stuck his head out of the classroom to see what all the noise was, just as Bella came around. Banner told Mike that he could let her go and walk on her own. I swear he looked like someone just kicked his puppy." Edward chuckled.

"Bella Swan; heartbreaker extraordinaire. Who would have thought it?" Garrett joked.

His gaze flicked between Edward and me before he realized what he'd said. An awkward quiet descended.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Garrett said softly.

I waved him off, hating the curious eyes that watched us.

"So, anyway, Bella saw the dry blood on her fingers and promptly fainted just as Mike let go of her. She went down like a sack of potatoes. As soon as she hit the deck, she woke up and vomited all over Mr. Banner's shoes."

The whole table laughed while I tried my best to hide behind my hair.

_Fucking Cullen._

"Hey, it wasn't that funny. I chipped my hipbone when I fell. Had this huge black bruise for weeks. See feel-"

I peel down a part of the waistband of my skirt just to the top of my hip. Edward stared at me, his hands fisted by his side, eyes dark.

What the fuck was I doing? Flashing my flesh to Cullen. Plus, he knew what that spot felt like. He'd felt that spot time and time again as he gripped my hips, using them as leverage…

_So not going there right now either._

"Nevermind."

I sat back down and took a long drink of the vodka and coke in front of me. It's not my usual drink, but it wasn't my round so I can't complain.

"Well, I am going to call it a night, folks," Emily said as she stood to grab her coat.

"Yeah, I…I think I'm gonna go too," Garrett chimed in.

I had to stifle a laugh. They weren't as subtle as they thought they were. I watched as Garrett placed a hand on the small of Emily's back. A small, knowing smile crossed my face. I was happy for them.

"Hey, do you think?" Lauren asked in a not so quiet stage whisper while waggling her eyebrows.

"Yes! Keep your voice down. You still have to see them on Monday morning!"

Lauren rolled her eyes. "Hey, my roommate's over at Eclipse and can get us in without a cover. Wanna go?"

"Yeah sure, why not? I'll text Ang and get her to meet us there."

I looked over at Edward.

"Sure, I'm along for the ride."

_I bet you are._

Fuck, I really had to watch my alcohol intake tonight.

x-x-x-x

Eclipse was jumping by the time we pulled up in a cab. True to her word, Lauren's roomie had us on the guest list and got us through the velvet ropes. She was here for a bachelorette party, so as long as they were buying drinks, they could get away with a lot. We all dropped in to say 'hi' as a courtesy, but Edward barely made it back alive. He was eye-fucked within an inch of his life.

Edward headed to the restroom while Lauren stayed with her roomie. Luckily Angela had texted to say she was on her way, so I wouldn't be alone with Edward for very long.

Alone and inebriated with Edward Cullen was not a good idea.

"Bella Smella!"

"Angie Wangie!"

We ran towards each other in that slow motion, arms wide manner that you adopt when six sips from outright drunkenness, I hugged her tight.

"So is he here?" Angela whispered in my ear.

"Yep. Restroom," I whispered back.

She chuckled quietly. "Nope, more like right behind you."

I disentangled myself from Angela and looked at Edward.

"Edward, you remember Angela Weber. Angela, Edward Cullen."

She cupped a hand to her face and mouthed 'WOW!' out the side of her mouth.

"Real smooth, Ang."

Edward laughed at Ang's antics. "It's good to see you too, Angela. You're looking pretty wow yourself."

Just like that, I watched straight-talking, take-no-prisoners Angela Weber melt into a puddle of goo at Edward Cullen's smirky grin.

"Did you know this place was a karaoke bar?" Edward asked, looking around.

"Yep. Well, it's more bar with a side of karaoke, but it's more fun than a club."

"So you gonna get up and give us a song?"

I let out a very ungraceful snort while Angela finally pulled herself out of her Edward-induced haze.

"There is not enough alcohol in the world to get me up on that stage!" I exclaimed.

"What about you, Angela? Wanna join me?" He held up a black book with a mischievous grin.

"Only if hell freezes over, or Bella gets up there with me; whichever comes first. I will, however, get the drinks. Edward?"

"Sam Adams, please."

"Usual, Bella?"

Edward led me to a just-vacated booth. I watched as long fingers ran down the pages. He mouthed song lyrics every now and again when he stopped flipping. I was developing an obsession with various parts of Edward's body and it had to stop. My gaze was fixed on his beautiful lips caressing each word. Attraction was natural. I mean you couldn't be in a room with Edward and not be attracted. The man had this quiet, unexplainable draw…and suddenly he was no longer sitting in my eye line.

Angela placed the mojito on to the table in front of me.

"That man has swagger for days."

I hummed in agreement. I was too busy trying not to look for him, but I could feel him near.

"What's your boy doing?" She motioned to just off the karaoke stage.

I rolled my eyes. "He's not my boy, Angela. Hasn't been for a long time."

She raised a skeptical eyebrow at me. "I'll let that one slide…for now. What is he doing? Is he going to sing?"

My whole body swiveled towards the stage. He had left his suit jacket in the booth and those fucking sleeves were bunched up to his elbows. His demeanor was almost shy - eyes looking down at the stage, his shoulders were slightly hunched. As soon as the guitar strings in the intro played, I remembered.

He wouldn't…he did.

* * *

**Please don't kill me – I rarely put in cliffies, but I had to break up this chapter – it was 9K long! Tune in next week to find out just what Edward did!**

**Thanks do as always to oneofeddiesgirls and Mallory for the most awesome pre-reader skills…we're so not worthy. The PTB had my backs on this so mucho gracis. The biggest thanks however goes to Twilly! Ms T read through all 9K and talked me down from my ledge. The woman is a star and if you aren't reading her fic 'The Love Boat' shame on you! Link is in my profile!**

**Out of curiosity, what do you think Edward's gonna sing?**


	9. Future Thoughts

**My liver had recovered, thanks for the concern. I'm still getting up at 5am though, and the drunken photos of the liver-abusing nights out are up on my RL facebook (where my family are friends!)**

* * *

_**P**__**reviously in Chapter Eight**_

She raised a skeptical eyebrow at me. "I'll let that one slide…for now. What is he doing? Is he going to sing?"

My whole body swiveled towards the stage. He had left his suit jacket in the booth and those fucking sleeves were bunched up to his elbows. His demeanor was almost shy - eyes looking down at the stage, his shoulders slightly hunched. As soon as the guitar strings in the intro played, I remembered.

He wouldn't…he did.

**Chapter Nine – Future Thoughts**

"_Hey where did we go,  
Days when the rains came  
Down in the hollow,  
Playin' a new game_

_Laughing and a running hey, hey  
Skipping and a jumping  
In the misty morning fog with  
Our hearts a thumpin' and you…"_

"He may not be your boy, but you are definitely his girl; his brown-eyed girl."

Angela cracked up at her own joke while I couldn't take my eyes off of the man on stage. The girls from the bachelorette party went wild. They were waving dollar bills in the air as he sang. His eyes never left mine, leaving no doubt in their minds who the song was meant for.

In the years since Edward and I split up, I hadn't been able to bring myself to listen to this song. It came on the radio every now and then. A pain would seize my heart and the memories would come. On a good day, I could make to the second line, but I usually flipped the dial as soon as I heard the intro.

"Hey, Bella, you okay?" Angela asked, now she had stopped laughing.

"It's just this song…Edward has been singing this song to me for as long as we've been friends. He used to randomly break out and sing the "Brown-Eyed Girl" lines when he used to see me at his house or in the halls at school."

"Oh yeah, I remembered that. He's a regular little sing-o-gram. Everyone was so jealous of this thing you guys had. He was always so aware of you."

The straw from my drink pinged out of my mouth in shock. "What? When?"

"In school. At lunch, he would watch you from the cafeteria door, right through the lunch line and even when you would sit with Alice at your table. He couldn't take his eyes off you. Even when you walked into Spanish, he would look up like two seconds before you would walk in. It was as if he felt you coming. I've never seen anything like it before."

"Bullshit, Ang!" I exclaimed with a hiccup.

Edward confessed, early on in our relationship, that he had feelings for me in high school. At the time, I'd scoffed and didn't believe it. While Edward was no stereotypical jock, he was popular across all the groups and certainly had his fair share of female attention. I'd always struggled to believe he would pick younger, mousier me over the senior girls.

"Were you really that blind in high school? All the girls knew exactly where Edward's heart lay, even if they did still vie for his attention. Remember when you were out sick, you had that flu thing?" I nodded. "Edward walked around that whole time like someone had stolen his sunshine. It wasn't so much as deep, dark, and brooding…more lost and sad."

I looked back at Edward as he gave his all to the song. He popped a hip out towards the cheering bachelorette party, flashed them a cheeky grin, and allowed them to put one-dollar bills through his belt. I saw him in a new light; I really was his childhood sweetheart. Did feelings that you'd had for that long and were that strong ever really die? They didn't for me, and I had an inkling they hadn't completely for him either. But, I wanted to hate him for reawakening the feelings I had shut away.

"_So hard to find my way,  
Now that I'm all on my own.  
I saw you just the other day,  
My how you have grown,  
Cast my memory back there, Lord  
Sometime I'm overcome thinking 'bout  
Making love in the green grass  
Behind the stadium with you  
My brown eyed girl  
Your my brown eyed girl"_

Edward finished the song beautifully. Everyone cheered, but I watched Edward. It was as if his inhibitions came flooding back as the last notes of the song faded. His shoulders ducked and a rare blush came up on his face. Despite his nerves, Edward had gotten up on that stage and sung for me. I was so beyond confused.

"You know how to put on a show, Edward," Angela said.

"You liked it?" he asked her, but looked at me.

"Look around, everyone liked it!"

"I've had the song in my head all week, so I thought, why not? Did you like it, Bella?"

"It was so cheesy." I saw a flash of pain in his eyes. That wasn't how I meant it. "I loved it. A nice trip down memory lane." I fumbled a muffled attempt at an apology.

He smiled, mollified, and turned to Angela to catch up. I breathed a sigh of relief - I was off the hook.

We sat for a couple of hours, swapping stories and catching up. I listened in, contributing little. I was more interested in hearing about Edward, and I wasn't above using Angela to do it.

"Another round?" Edward asked.

Angela looked at her watch. "I can't. I have to be up early tomorrow. I'm apartment hunting."

"It's been great seeing you, Angela. I still can't believe you are in Seattle."

"Right back at you, Edward. We still on for Sunday brunch, B?"

"Sure."

Angela hugged me close. "I want details, missy," she whispered.

Angela left Edward and I standing awkwardly as some woman butchered an Adele song on stage.

"Another round?"

Do I? Don't I? _Ah, fuck it…_

"Sure, but can we go somewhere a little quieter? The music is too loud in here."

"Yeah, I know just the place. Come on."

He helped me into my jacket, solid hands brushing over my shoulders and down my arms. That crack and pop between us was still there.

After a quick cab ride, Edward helped me out, and I realized we were down by part of the waterfront. Gone were the crowds that lingered during the day, a spillover from Pike Place Market. Instead, Edward drew me close, his gaze flitting around us cautiously. He led me to a staircase that descended into darkness.

"This place opened during Prohibition and it never closed. Emmett showed me this place to share a part of his college days…something about legacy and good booze. Anyway, it's the only place I know in Seattle where you can get good whisky and smoke a cigar."

"But smoking has been banded in all venues in WA since 2005!" I could smack myself. When did I start to sound so old?

He chuckled and smiled indulgently at me. "You'll see. Come on."

He pulled me through the narrow, dark wood door into the low lit bar. My eyes adjusted to the yellow, shaded lights; a crystal chandelier hung in the middle of the room. The once brightly colored art deco shapes on the paneled walls were faded with age. Booths lined two walls while the other area had comfortable looking leather chairs clustered around walnut tables. The bar itself was lined with high bar stools and a brass bar rail. Soft old-time jazz filtered from a small band in the corner.

This was definitely my kind of place.

We took a seat at the bar, Edward pulling a stool out for me.

"We'll have a MacCallum fifteen year over ice and a Southern Comfort with lime."

He set down the drinks in front of us, and I took a sip. The sweet warmth flooded my mouth, and the memories surfaced. I put the glass back on the bar with a clink.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to order for you. I can get you something else…I mean it used to be your favorite…it might not be now, of course."

I laid a hand over his. "It's okay, Edward. It's still my favorite; it's just been a while since I've had it."

Seven years in fact.

Now that Edward was back in my life, I realized all the things I'd given up when our relationship disintegrated. Emmett's girlfriend, now wife, introduced me to SoCo and lime just after I moved into Edward's apartment in my freshman year. Edward would always run to the store to fetch limes whenever we had spare money to have a bottle of SoCo in the cupboard, and I'd had a hard day. The thought of drinking it after we split never held the same comfort it once did. If I closed my eyes, I could have been in the 'Boardwalk Empire'.

I looked around the room taking in the atmosphere and the patrons. People watching was a hobby of mine.

"Hey, is that–"

"Shh, Bella. That's the whole reason this place gets away with the smoking. So many judges and politicians come here no one would dare report them. _This_is where the deals are made, not the golf course or the boardroom."

I was stunned. It was all so…underbelly.

"I can just see you being around fifty, cigar hanging from your fingers, brokering multi-billion deals over thirty-year old Macallen."

"So you've thought about me growing old?" Edward asked. His tone was fun...maybe even a little flirty.

I played with the swizzle stick in my drink, looking into its copper swirlingness. Copper…Edward's hair in the sun…watching the light bounce off the highlights, the silky feeling as I ran my hands through it, urging him closer to me. I had to get a grip on myself before I straddled him and found out if his hair was still as silky as I remembered. I wrapped my hands tighter around my drink - anything to stop my fingers twitching.

I took a deep breath to calm my racing heartbeat. "I used to," I whispered shyly. It was all I could come up with without laying myself on the line.

I snuck a glance at Edward, through a curtain of my hair. On his face was a curious smile.

"What did you think of?" he asked, his face full of curiosity.

I took a hefty mouthful of my drink, allowing the burn at the back of my throat to jar me away from my racing, confused thoughts. Edward was first and foremost my best friend. I could always be honest with him. I could confess my innermost thoughts, no matter how out–of-the-box they were, and he would never judge or ridicule.

"I used to think about us growing old. What we would be like when we were in our seventies." Edward chuckled. "You know, we would be the ones sitting on the porch, with our twenty grandkids, telling them stories of when we got lost on that California road trip or how I got the long scar on my arm."

Edward winced. I could see him reliving the pain of the day I nearly died playing around with Jacob and the La Push boys. It was also the day when Edward had, after shouting at me and nearly crying over how close he came to losing me, issued the one and only mandate of our relationship: I was never allowed to go cliff diving again.

"You thought about our grandkids?" he asked in disbelief. "Huh! I mean, wow. I just didn't think you would. You know after…"

Did he find it so hard to believe? "Of course. We talked about kids, I assumed there would be grandkids too." He still looked lost. "Edward, I wanted everything with you. How could I've not thought about growing old together and grandkids?"

"But you were always so reluctant. If I had a dollar for every time you said 'I'm never getting married' when we were in high school, I wouldn't need to work." His eyes were full of hurt.

Why hadn't we ever talked about this? Had these questions sat on his chest for long?

"You changed that." I whispered.

His cheeks tinged pink in a blush, but he looked almost pained. "And what do you see now?" His voice was quiet, almost…scared.

"I try not to think of the future that much. I'm more of a _carpe diem_kinda girl these days."

He slammed his drink back down on the table, making me jump. "God, why, Bella? You used to be such a planner." He sounds almost sad, like someone had just told him Father Christmas wasn't real. "I remember the five-year plan." His voice softened as he remembered. "You always seemed to know where you were going in life, except when you were choosing your college course. Once you cracked that, you knew exactly where you would be. All these plans…Why did you change?" he pleaded.

I laughed, almost bitterly. "Yeah, well, when my plans didn't come through I was disappointed. Worse than disappointed. I had to pick up the tattered pieces and move on." I couldn't hold his gaze anymore.

I was aware I was being harsh but it was the truth. The ending of our relationship changed me so deeply. _Did he not see that?_As I looked back up, several emotions flitted across his face - anger, pity, hurt, confusion.

I wasn't ready for this conversation. I'd just gotten his friendship back. I didn't want to risk it all by dredging up the past. Somehow, I knew that the answers to any questions I asked would not be easy to hear.

"No more thoughts of marriage?" His voice was low, curious almost. He was still hurt by my statement, but he was starting to get what the past seven years had been like for me emotionally.

I scoffed. "We both knew how I felt about marriage, Edward. I haven't really changed all that much."

"But you were willing to try." he pressed. "I mean _we_talked about getting married." He murmured under his breath.

"Yeah I was willing to try..." I trailed off, leaving the 'for you' hanging in the air.

"I still want that for you, Bella."

He laid his hand on mine where it sat beside my drink on the table. I closed my eyes and forced my feelings back into their lockbox. It was just in comfort. Pity for a dream lost to our actions.  
"What about you? Anyone special back in England?"

His eyes flitted around the room, his face draining slightly of color. "I...um... No one special."

Edward used to have a better poker face than this. "So no one?"

"Well I was seeing someone before I left, but she -" He stopped, running his hands through his hair. "Me coming out here kind of put the final nail in the coffin."

He still couldn't meet my eye. I could tell there was more to this story. Who was she, what did she mean to him? The thought of him with other women hurt, but I had to be realistic. Did I even want to know?

No matter how much I wanted to dig, I didn't. Curiosity killed the cat; it could also kill our friendship. If friendship was all I could have with Edward, then I would do whatever I could to keep it.

I finished my drink and Edward ordered us both another round. We moved over to the overstuffed chairs I'd seen when we first entered. Suddenly my body was weary. It was exhausting having to keep all my thoughts and feelings for this man at bay. It'd been a rollercoaster for the past three weeks, and we still had over two months to go. _How the hell was I going to survive it?  
_  
"So, have you heard from Alice?" I asked, turning the conversation to safer waters.

Edward looked to be relieved at the change in subject, swirling the ice cubes in his glass.

"Yes, she has booked her and Jasper's flights. They'll be here in two weeks. They're going to stay for the weekend. Jasper needs to fly back Monday, but Alice might stay on until the next Friday. She has buyers she wants to speak to and Mom and Dad are going to come and visit. "

I groaned and swore. There was no way Alice had randomly picked those dates. Alice Cullen was coming to rain on my birthday.

Edward chuckled at my expletive. His smug grin told me he knew exactly what was going on. He remembered when my birthday was.

"What's she planning?"

"No way. Alice would kill me if I told you, plus I like to see you squirm, Swan." he joked, his voice light and playful.

I turned and punched him in the arm. "Fuck you, Cullen. You know I hate my birthday," I whined, trying to sound serious, but my smile gave me away.

He grabbed my fist in his hand to stop another light punch. My breath left me in a rush. Those tingles were still there. He squeezed it before letting go. I flexed my hand, still feeling the burn. After all this time, he still made my skin sing.

He chuckled, hiding behind his whisky glass. "Good to know some things haven't changed."

Hold on, did he feel that too? Or was he just talking around my birthday? I watched as he flexed his fingers a couple of times. He felt it too!

We sat in comfortable silence, sipping our drinks and absorbing the atmosphere of the bar. Silence had always been easy with Edward. He would just sit and wait until I was ready to talk. No pushing, no inane small talk to fill the gap. He just let me be until I was ready.

A grandfather clock struck once. I couldn't believe how late it was.

I took a last sip of my drink. "I think I should head home. It's late, and we have that thing tomorrow. I need a clear head." As opposed to a Cullen-scrambled head.

"True. I can't wait to taste your cooking again, Bella. I hope it's as good as I remember."

It was then I realized Edward's hand was still on mine. Neither of us made a move to change that.

"So I'll come over at around two o'clock?" he asked.

I wanted to push for later but we really needed to work on the Volturi document before Aro blew into town. "That's fine. I don't have any plans other than the gym in the morning, so come over when you're ready."

I stood up and the waiter was beside me with my coat. Edward took it from his hands and held it out for me to put on. I could smell his delicious scent -he was so close. He helped me into the coat and ran his hands over the shoulders and down my arms, smoothing out the fabric. My breath caught and my stomach tightened. God, the power this man still held over me after all these years.

I stumbled out of the bar, intoxicated with alcohol and Edward. Even for a quieter part of town, there were still cabs hanging around. Edward hailed one. Ever the gentleman, he opened the door for me, and I climbed in.

"I should come with you. Make sure you get home safely."

The heavy, husky tones in his voice jumped straight between my legs. I managed to pull my gaze to his face. His body was leaning into the cab. So close I could have reached out and touched him. His eyes were hooded and dark. I knew, as his tongue darted out to lick his lips, I had to leave now or this beautiful man would be coming home with me.

_Bad idea. Very bad idea, Worst idea ever_

"Edward, I'll be fine. I'm old enough to take a cab all by myself." I tried to joke with him, but his brow still furrowed in concern.

"But -"

"I'll text you when I get home, that way you can stop worrying that pretty head of yours."

He wavered but finally conceded. "Fine, but I am taking the registration and the driver's number."

"You do that. So I'll see you tomorrow."

He took my hand again and ran his thumb across my palm. "I'll be seeing you, Bella Swan."

I climbed into the taxi after telling the taxi driver where to take me. Those six words were so Edward Cullen. They were like an electric shock, bringing back so many memories. For once I didn't fight them. Instead I let them run through my tired mind.

_I was so giddy, I swore I was flying. I could smell Edward all around me from his tuxedo jacket wrapped around my shoulders. Ever the gentleman, Edward saw my shiver in the April wind that whipped over First Beach. We headed back to his car as more people left the beach in the cold._

_"Thank you for going with me tonight," Edward murmured, pulling me in close._

_Even through his stiff white tuxedo shirt, I could feel his heart beating hard in his chest._

_"Thank you for coming all the way out here to take me. You didn't have to."_

_"There is nowhere else I'd rather be. I couldn't sit in Seattle and imagine anyone else taking you to prom." Sincerity was written across his face. I had to believe him._

_"Edward, there wasn't anyone taking me to prom. Surely Alice told you that."_

_"Actually, Alice refused to tell me anything. She said that I would have to ask you if I wanted to know," he muttered softly._

_"So you just came out here on the off chance that I would be date-free?"_

_"Beyond getting here, I didn't really have a plan to be honest. I just couldn't…"_

_He didn't need to finish, I knew exactly what he was trying to say. His tortured face told me all I needed to know. As Edward's best friend, I could read him like an open book, his heart firmly on his sleeve._

_I reached up and cupped his cheek. "I'm glad you did."_

_I felt my back press against the passenger door of the car as he leaned in to kiss me. Soft lips and softer sighs. Even though we had kissed on the beach, this was so much more. The kisses at First Beach were exploring and new. This was a promise kiss; a promise of much more. All the times I had dreamt that Edward would return my feelings were a letdown. Reality was so much better._

_My hands rested on his chest, fingertips grasping at shirt fabric. Hanging on but letting go all at the same time._

_A throat cleared. Edward sprung from me, my fingers losing a grasp on him. I think I whimpered at the loss, but it could have been Edward._

_I looked up to find my dad standing beside the cruiser, still in his uniform even though I knew he'd finished his shift at five. Ah, he was in protective mode. His hands flexed near where his gun belt should be. The 'stash twitched; I was in trouble. Edward froze, staring at my dad. It was like an old western showdown, but no one would die…hopefully._

_"Hi Char…Daddy." Me pulling out the 'daddy' card might just get both Edward and I out of this in one piece._

_"Bella. Edward." If looks could kill. "So you kids went to prom together?"_

_"Yes –"_

_I giggled at Edward's high pitch squeak. He glared at me. Now was not the time to be giggling._

_"Yes, Chief Swan."_

_"He drove in from Seattle to surprise me." I couldn't just let Edward flounder on his own._

_Charlie was cool with Edward being my best friend - as long as that's all it was - and the rules were followed. No boys in my room, even Edward. I was only allowed to stay at the Cullens because Alice's room was on a different floor than Edward and Carlisle reassured him that there would be no 'hanky panky' under his roof._

_"You're staying at the Cullens tonight right, Bells?"_

_"Yes Daddy. We just left prom because someone spiked the punch, and I know how you feel about underage drinking."_ _I tried my hardest not to blush and give away my white lie._

_"Well I think you two should be heading back. Didn't your parents give you a curfew, Edward? It's after midnight."_

_"Prom finishes at midnight so Mom and Dad gave Bella and Alice until one to get home."_

_"Well you best get going." _

_Charlie's voice was firm and final. Edward let out a sigh of relief and raced around to the driver's door, fumbling keys and whispered curses. The car ride back was silent. He glanced fugitively in the rear-view mirror as my dad tailed us. He turned off at the police station, and Edward let out another sigh. He'd been holding his breath since we left First Beach._

_Edward pulled up into the driveway of the Cullen house. The lights were all out except for Carlisle and Esme's bedroom. They were waiting for Alice and me to come home. I couldn't bring myself to care we were so late. I was on cloud nine._

_I took my shoes off at the door, so I could pad up the wooden staircase without too much noise. Edward followed behind me, his hand on the small of my back as if to make sure I didn't tumble to my death – a distinct possibility given I was still slightly tipsy from spiked punch and dreamy kisses. Edward's bedroom was on the floor above us, so we lingered on the landing. I shrugged reluctantly from his coat and handed it back._

_"So this is you?"_

_"Edward, I know you've been at college for over six months, but I still know where Alice's room is."_

_He shied away with a small grin._

_I decided to be bold for once. Reaching my hand up, I cupped his cheek and gave him a passionate kiss. I pulled away and stared into his dark, hooded eyes. Our chests heaved at the prospect of more "Thank you for tonight," I whispered._

_"You're welcome."_

_"Night, Edward."_

_"I'll be seeing you, Bella Swan."_

But I didn't see Edward Cullen again for nearly a year.

* * *

**So there you have it, a bit of Van Morrison and what happened after that stunning kiss on First beach a couple of chapters back! So it's starting to build. **

**Thank You's**

**Thank you to every reviewer who said they could feel the UST! I'm beyond grateful for the reassurance!**

**To my pre-readers one of eddie's girls and Malloryknoxx. You guys rock my socks. Thanks to PTB for the super-speedy and awesome beta services. But most of all, again thanks to Twilly, who read through this whole chapter, held my hand, and gave it to me straight. She's the bee's knees!**

***In other news, i am going to start putting up teasers on my FB page (as i don't use it for much else). You can find me, if ya want to, as ZMGinger! teasers will be up on Wednesdays EST**


	10. To Say Goodbye

_Too afraid to go inside  
For the pain of one more loveless night  
But the loneliness will stay with me  
And hold me 'til I fall asleep_

_**The Lonely - Christina Perri**_

**Chapter Ten – To Say Goodbye**

I checked myself in the mirror again and smiled. Why I cared, I didn't know. Edward would be here in fifteen minutes, and I was on my third wardrobe change. I was looking for atrractive while being comfortable enough to spend the next couple of hours working. I'd pulled out an old favorite: dark-wash skinny jeans and a loose-fitting cashmere wrap cardigan. The cashmere was soothing, like silk on my skin, and my ass looked amazing in the jeans. I still felt groggy from the effects of the alcohol, but the nausea I'd woken up with had luckily faded.

A heavy, booming knock startled me from my reflection.

_God, he was early._

Ginger meowed at me from the couch, pissed off that she had been disturbed from her napping.

"I know, G, but he needs to come here. He _needs_ to be here so we can work on this document, and he's got to come here."

I took a glance through the peep hole. Edward was standing there in all his ruffled beauty. He looked like he was fresh from the gym with his wife-beater and disheveled hair. He raised his fist to knock again, and I quickly wrenched open the door.

"Edward."

He looked taken aback, but my gaze didn't linger on his face. The boy was just all yummy goodness today. The wife-beater was just the tip of the iceberg. He was wearing baggy shorts that came down to his knees. Was that sweat?

"Um, Bella?" His tone was full of amusement.

"What?"

"I asked if I could come in?" Edward finally let out a chuckle.

_Fuck, was I drooling?_

"Sorry, yes." I stood aside and let him in as I checked the corner of my mouth. As he walked by, I tried to discretely smell him. He froze.

"Did you just sniff me?"

_Busted_

"What? No! Of course not," I stuttered. "Are you sweaty?" I wished the ground would open up and swallow my mortification.

"Yeah, sorry. One of the guys from the office invited me to play basketball. I didn't have time to go home and clean up. Can I use your shower? I brought fresh clothes."

_Edward Cullen … in my shower … naked? Hell yes!_

"Sure, of course. I don't want you stinking up my apartment," I joked, hoping my voice didn't sound as husky as I thought it did.

"Great, I appreciate it."

"It's just down the hall, first door on the right. Check the medicine cabinet. Jake left some body wash stuff last time he and Leah stayed."

I watched his fine ass walk away from me before disappearing into my bathroom. I slumped against the now closed door, my heart beating out of my chest and an liquid feeling between my legs. This was such a bad idea. My life had been full of them recently.

My hands shook as I tried to busy myself in the kitchen, chopping fruit to put in the blender. Maybe handling a knife while my mind and body were so out of whack wasn't the brightest idea I'd ever had. If I didn't do something - anything - I would be down the hallway in a shot and straddling his naked, wet body. That wasn't conducive to a peaceful, working relationship.

I heard the shower start and whimpered. The man was naked not twenty feet from me. I rubbed my thighs together. The seam of my jeans only slightly helping to ease the burning need I was feeling between my thighs. The blender lay idle, forgotten in my complete distraction.

I let the fantasies run through my mind for another ten minutes until the shower shut off, and I needed to pull myself together. The ache wasn't gone. My body was begging me to do something about it, but I couldn't. Instead I reached for the blender and turned it on. The metallic sound as the blade cut through fruit and ice deafened my thoughts long enough for me to get things in order and school my face into something I hoped resembled passive or blank.

"Bella?"

I was so caught up in the motions of making the smoothie I didn't hear Edward come up behind me.

"Smoothie?" I squeaked, thrusting a glass of pink liquid at him.

A small smile played on his face. My cheeks burned, and I had to turn away from his burning gaze. He knew exactly what I'd been thinking.

"Thanks. What is it?"

"Raspberry and apple."

I was transfixed as I watched his Adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallowed. His tongue peeked out and licked at the foam left behind from the drink. My breaths came in shallow pants. The wry smile on his face told me he knew precisely what he was doing.

"You okay, Bella?" His voice was joking but held a gruff undertone.

_Pull yourself together, Swan. Man up, and get a grip._

"Yes … Yes, I'm fine. Shall we get it on - I mean get on with it."

He chuckled. "Yes, to both options."

_Fuck!_

I felt his stare, but I couldn't look up. If I did, I'd jump him. Instead, I walked through to the living room, my knees weak and legs shaky. I felt him behind me; that hum and crackle that was always present between us. I remembered the feel of his body as he hovered above me in the bed we used to share. I can still remember the smoothness of his skin under my tongue as I licked him from navel to throat.

The passion and attraction between Edward and I was never our problem. I wanted to jump his bones and fuck 'til the sun came up. Did he still taste the same? Still moan the same when his magic spot was hit? ? Instead of allowing myself to dwell there, I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other until I reached the desk where my laptop was already set up.

"You can take the dining room table or the coffee table, it's up to you."

"Well, the dining table was a particular favorite of mine. Remember?" he asked, a coy smile on his face.

Images of him bending me over the table filled my mind. I felt myself blush and turned away. "I, um, I'll take.." I stuttered.

Are you sitting at your desk?" I nodded, still trying to pull my mind from the gutter. "I'll take the coffee table then. No need to encourage temptation."

The coffee table was only a couple of feet from me. Too close. I was half hoping he would pick the dining room table, right across the room from my desk.

He pulled out a laptop from his messenger bag and set himself up. We worked efficiently, swapping papers between us, discussing ideas and writing up a solid document for Volturi. We worked so well together: without the constant toing and froing between our offices, without Eddie's girls sticking their heads and barely contained boobs into our offices, and without the ever watchful eyes of Emily and Lauren.

My stomach rumbled somewhere between organizational structures and reporting lines, and I decided it was time to take a break. I'd promised Edward his favorite smoky-sauce fajitas, and I'd even managed to drag my hung-over ass out to the store before he showed up.

I glanced up to find Edward staring back at me looking like a child on Christmas morning.

"What?" I played with him.

"Can we?" His voice was giddy and lighthearted.

"Can we what?"

"Bellaaaaaa!" he drew out.

"Fine."

Edward slammed his laptop lid closed and jumped up. A huge grin lit up his face, and he was bouncing on his toes. In that instant, I could see the sibling similarities between Alice and him. He hurried through to the kitchen, and was already in the fridge by the time I got there.

I hip-bumped him aside and started pulling ingredients out. Dumping them out on the countertop, I pulled out a wok and cutting boards.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked, looking in wonder around my kitchen.

"How about you chop the mushrooms, onions and the bell peppers?"

He started pulling knives from the block, before settling on one and leaving the rest sitting by the side of the board. I winced at the mistreatment of my beautiful knives. I came up behind him, my chest to his back.

"Here–-" I took the bread knife out of his hand and handed him a chopping knife instead. "Use this one. Cut the onions into half rings and the bell peppers into half-inch wide strips."

"Yes, boss."

I stood beside him at a red chopping board, cutting the chicken and steak into strips. Every time he brought down the knife to cut, I felt his upper arm brush against me, causing sparks between us. I moved away to stir-fry the meat, leaving Edward with tears in his eyes from the onions.

"Wow, you learned to cook, but they they never taught you how to cut onions without crying. Try cutting the root off first next time."

He cut the root off and continued with his task.

"This is just like old times; I chop, you cook," Edward said, turning towards where I was cooking.

"Ha, I think we remember it differently. I remember I cooked and chopped. You stole bits and pieces before I managed to even get it in the pan. I used to live in fear of leaving the kitchen in case I came back and found you halfway through the pan and there would be nothing left for dinner."

"Hey, I wasn't that bad." He leaned against me.

I threw him a 'who-are-you kidding' look.

"I haven't had a home cooked meal in weeks, so I'm on my best behavior. Plus, I've missed this. I've missed just being with you, Bella. It's … peaceful," he whispered.

"I've missed you too, Edward." And I really did. More than he would ever know.

Words were beginning to swim in front of my eyes. We had been working for several hours, and the sun was starting to set outside my condo windows. Edward was lounging comfortably across the sofa, his long legs sprawled out, and a draft of the document in his hands. He was huffing and puffing, flipping pages rapidly. I knew this was not his idea of fun. Reading through anything from cover to cover was 'boring' according to him. I couldn't take his sighs anymore.

"Edward, if you've had enough, just put the thing down. Huffing like a five-year old isn't helping, I chastised.

"It's not that I don't want to do it. I keep seeing the same mistakes time and time again. It's pointless." He slapped the paper down on the coffee table but made no attempt to move. "Can we do something else?"

I realized that we weren't getting anywhere, so I shut down my laptop. "Like what?"

"I don't know." He was almost bashful, a sure sign he was hiding something. "Maybe we can talk?"

I was wary. So far my ostrich impression in avoidance of our past had worked, but I knew it wouldn't last. "About what?"

"Us." He must have seen me flinch because his face was full of disappointment. "I just … Bella, we have to talk sometime."

God, I really didn't want to. I didn't want to dredge up the past. It'd taken me a long time to put our former relationship behind me. It hurt enough just seeing him every day. Every day for the past two weeks, when I was at home alone with no one but Ginger for company, I felt the pain. But, Edward was going to start getting insistent. I had two choices: avoid and drive a wedge between the fragile friendship we had, or rip it off like a Band-Aid and hope that the scab that had formed, held.

_Band-Aid it was!_

"Okay, let's do it." I would've laughed at the expression of surprise on Edward's face, but I was too nervous about what he wanted to talk about.

We sat there in silence for a few minutes, neither prepared to make the first move.

"Why did you leave, Bella?" he asked, his voice low, almost to a breaking point.

He was going straight for the jugular. Inner-Bella pulled up her big girl panties and prepared for battle.

I didn't need to ask him what he meant. Why did I leave him and go to Chicago?

"I had to go, Edward. I couldn't stay. We had nothing left to stay for," I whispered as I tried to hold back the tears.

"How can you say that? You didn't even try, Bella. I came home one night to find your bags packed and an acceptance letter to Chicago Booth sitting on top. You gave up and walked away."

I could hear the accusation in his tone. I didn't like it. "Oh, trust me, Edward. By the time I packed my bags, we had both given up. I couldn't take it anymore, so I made the decision to put us both out of our misery."

"Jesus, Bella, you make our relationship sound like it was a dog to be put down." His tone was growing angry. I shrunk back from him as he gestured wildly on the sofa. "In all these years, I never got it. I've never worked out why you left."

I took a breath to prepare myself. For a moment, I allowed the memories out of their lock-box and let them wash over me.

_The front door squeaked open, and I walked into our dark apartment. I shivered in the cold of the living room, despite the unusually balmy May evening. It didn't matter what the temperature was outside, it always felt cold at home. I put my backpack down and toed off my shoes. The darkness of the apartment meant that either Edward was already asleep, or more likely, was still at the library. Even at eleven in the evening. Sadness rocketed through me, causing tears to fall. I felt like I'd been crying forever. In reality, it'd only been three months. Three months since … A sob ripped through me as I remembered where this all started. Would this pain ever end?_

_I walked silently through the apartment to our bedroom. I'd moved into Edward's room a couple of months after we got together, my room was now a study that we shared. Just as I'd expected, our bed was just as I left it. My side was unmade, but Edward's side was untouched. He hadn't even come to bed the night before. Instead, he'd slept on the couch; not for the first time. He couldn't even stand to sleep in the same bed with me most nights._

_It was all my fault. All of this was because of me._

_The sadness and loneliness threatened to overwhelm me. With a heavy heart, I trudged into the room and began to strip. I pulled on a pair of baggy sweats and one of Edward's old hoodies. Much like my daytime clothing, I rarely made the effort to dress in anything but baggy hoodies and Charlie's old plaid shirts. Even looking at myself naked in the mirror was a thing of the past. It just reminded me of everything I'd lost. _

_I caught my reflection in the glass of the picture above our bed; a gift from Esme. Even taking into account the light and the colors of the painting, I looked like shit. My hair was lank, my cheeks slightly sallow, and I had deep bags under my eyes. My whole stature screamed defeated. This couldn't go on. This was killing us._

_The second weight on me, my guilt aside, sat on my bedside table. A letter from Chicago Booth sat in its open envelope. It'd arrived a week ago, an acceptance and partial scholarship into their MBA program. I hadn't told Edward yet; we'd barely spoken more than ten words to each other since it arrived. I hadn't even considered accepting. Edward was on the verge of being offered a job in Seattle, so I was going to look for a job right after graduation. Now I wasn't so sure. I nearly killed him three months before, and I was still killing him now. Bit by bit, I was destroying him with what I'd let us become._

_I fingered the paper; rich, heavy and so very official. I knew I wasn't completely to blame for the degradation of our relationship. Edward spent so many hours at the library, avoiding coming home; avoiding us. We danced around each other, neither willing to make the first move to sort this out so we could sit down and actually talk. _

_Now we were beyond fixing._

_I heard the front door open, that blasted squeak giving it away. I hurried under the crumpled covers and turned away from the bedroom door. Edward's footfall was light; he'd taken his shoes off so he didn't disturb me. I felt the bed dip, right by my feet. Edward's breathing was heavy sighs punctuated with the odd sniffle. He was crying, and so was I. All it would take would be for me to sit up and just say 'we need to talk'. But I didn't. I listened as he undressed, my tears still silently falling into my pillow. The bed dipped again as Edward climbed in. I could feel his gaze on my back as fingers reached for my shoulder. When I didn't respond, he dropped his hand and turned his back on me. Even as Edward fell asleep, I lay awake, staring at the wall, knowing what I had to do._

_The decision I made that night would rip everything I planned apart. There would be no growing old with the man I loved, no happy memories made together, and no more second family with the Cullens. Instead, everything would be in ruins. It didn't matter, though, because Edward would be free; free from the guilt and pain I'd caused._

_x-x-x-x_

_My bags were packed, sitting by the front door. I sat on the sofa. A pen and paper lay abandoned on the coffee table. Even I couldn't take the coward's way out. Instead, I texted Edward and asked him to come home after his latest interview; the last interview for his possible new job. Now I was just waiting, praying he would come home on time for once._

_My heart pounded as I heard a key jingle in the door. He came home. I watched him come into the living room, cutting a dashing figure in his suit. My heart hurt at how beaten he seemed, the hollow, lost look in his eyes as he found me sitting here. God, how every time he came home he would holler 'honey, I'm home', making me giggle._

"_Bella!" He exclaimed in surprise, even though I was the one that requested he came home. "I got your text. Are you okay?" His gaze flitted around the room, finally landing on my bags. "What's going on?"_

"_I'm leaving, Edward." I handed him the letter from Booth._

_He opened it, even though he'd read it the day it arrived. "But I thought we agreed we'd stay in Seattle." He was so confused. "What. I don't understand."_

"_I've accepted the place at Booth. I'm moving to Chicago." I hoped my voice didn't betray how every word was ripping me apart._

"_Okay, okay. I could see if the company could transfer my role to Chicago. Or maybe … maybe I could look for something new there." _

_I walked over to him where he was sitting on the edge of the coffee table. Laying my hands on him caused him to look up and really see me. "_I'm _moving to Chicago, Edward, not we. I'm going alone. I'm leaving."_

"_You can't just leave me, Bella. We … you can't just leave." He repeated, lost for words._

"_This is for the best," I breathed, sounding calmer than I felt. "We're destroying each other with guilt and what ifs. What ifs won't bring … won't change anything. You deserve better, Edward. You deserve to be free."_

"_No, Bella." His voice cracked. "I deserve you. You can't leave me."_

_I needed to get out of here. If I didn't leave now, I never would and we would be stuck under this endless dark cloud._

"_You have to let me go." I started to cry. Big, fat, silent tears._

_His whole body slumped and I knew he'd seen the sense of my words. He handed me back the letter but didn't make a move to stand. I placed my copy of the apartment keys in his outstretched hand. _

_It was done._

_As I stood on the sidewalk, waiting for my cab, I kept expecting Edward to come running out of the door and stop me. But he never did. He just let me go._

"I didn't just let you leave, for fucks sake. As soon as I got over what you said, I bolted out of the apartment, but you were already gone. You'd sworn Charlie to silence; Carlisle couldn't get anything out of him." He sounded exasperated, as if reliving the frustration all over again. "Finally, I flew out to Chicago, but the admissions office wouldn't help, even after I tried to convince them I was your husband. Eventually, I gave up. You obviously didn't want me to find you, so I let you be, came back to Seattle and took off for Europe not long afterwards."

His revelation shocked me. I had no idea he'd come looking for me. Charlie always maintained his Switzerland stance at my request. I didn't want to know about Edward, and I didn't want our break-up to affect his friendship with Carlisle.

"I just couldn't …" I took a second to calm myself and keep back the tears. "I just couldn't live with it anymore. What I'd done."

Edward moved from the couch and crouched down beside me as I sat at my work desk. I expected anger or accusations. I'd even expected the blame game. Instead, Edward had nothing but compassion and understanding. How could I have let this man go?

"You didn't do anything; there was no blame to shoulder. Surely after all this time you realize that. What happened was just unlucky. You didn't do anything and you couldn't stop what happened. I spent so many years blaming myself, too. Wondering what I could've done differently. If I hadn't …" He stopped, taking a breath. Dredging up the past was just as painful for him as it was for me. "If I hadn't buried my head in the sand and actually looked up to see how much pain you were in, things might have been different."

His hands reached up and gentle thumbs wiped away my tears. I managed a watery smile. "I played that game too, but it didn't change anything except for the guilt; it just got heavier. You honestly don't blame me?"

"Oh, Bella," He muttered softly, pulling me down out of my chair and into his lap. "I never once blamed you. In fact, I blamed myself. I let it go a long time ago. You need to let it go, too. I can help."

I burrowed my face into his t-shirt and let my tears fall, cleansing me. As Edward held me, rocking us gently as we sat on the floor, I felt a little of my guilty burden lift. Maybe Edward could help me after all.

Today was a good day.

I felt lighter than I had in years. After talking with Edward on Saturday night, he'd let me cry on his shoulder for over an hour. He'd left around midnight with a promise we would talk more. I was looking forward to it. Conversations still to come filled me with trepidation, but at least we were in it together.

"Hey, boss. This is the contract back from legal with amendments." Emily started to drop documents on my desk. "This is the Volturi document from Edward. Las typed up his notes. I've no idea how she even reads his handwriting."

"He was once training to become a doctor, so maybe it's that."

"Maybe. Anything else, boss?"

"Nope, I'm good."

I looked at all the tabs sticking out from the contract and set it to one side. This was going to be the type of read through that needed a glass of wine and cozy slippers before I read through it. Instead, I picked up the document from Edward. The more I read, the more frustrated I became. I picked up the document and barged into his office.

"For fucks sake, Edward. What the hell do you call this?" I shouted out, slapping papers down on his desk. I glared at the Eddie's Girl until she slunk from the room.

"Jesus, Bella, will you calm down. What the hell is wrong with you?'

"This!" I stabbed a finger down on the document on the desk. "You sent me a two-page memo of a set of corrections you think should be made to the document for Aro. Two-pages of corrections I'd already made."

"Oh, well then, job done," he added cheekily.

"Seriously, Edward! That's your response? Instead of getting Las to make cliff notes on documents, read the fucking thing yourself. That way I won't have to waste my time sifting things I've already done."

"What and be like you? Sit for hours with my red pen, correcting every fucking comma and missing word!" He stood up at his desk and pushed his shirt sleeves up his arms.

He meant business and it was really, really hot.

_Focus!_

"Would you rather send the document to the client looking like a high school student wrote it? That will get you laughed out of your career," I spat back.

"Actually, it got me Account Manager of the Year in the UK. I don't see a plaque up in your office."

"My accounts are worth nearly twice the value of yours. And …" I paused trying to form a comeback. "And, the US offices are much bigger, more competition. Everyone knows that someone in the New York office always wins it."

_Ha, take that!_

"You wanna talk figures, Bella. While you have a fine, fine figure, the UK market is known to be a more long-term commitment and is worth more than yours over a longer period of time."

_Wait, what now? Did he just compliment my figure?_

"Did you just say I have a nice body?"

He smiled victoriously.

_Smug fuck!_

"You had an amazing body seven years ago, but now you're smoking hot."

"Well … I guess …" His smug smile grew. "Just read the whole fucking document next time and _then_ comment." I barked out.

"Sure thing, Bella."

I stormed out of his office and passed Las, who looked like she was barely containing her laughter. Her guffaw sounded before I managed to get my office door slammed shut. My humiliation was complete.

x-x-x-x

In the two hours since I'd stormed out of Edward's office, I'd managed to calm down some. I realized I could have just sent him an email with a simple reply, but his carefree attitude to working irked me. He speed-read while I dotted every 'I' and crossed every 'T'. He greeted everyone by their first name; I was all Mr. or Sir and last names. I was also so beyond sexually frustrated that I wasn't just peeling labels off beer bottles, I was peeling labels off every bottle I could get my hands on.

"You ready to go?" Edward stuck his head around my door.

He looked like he actually attempted to tame his wild mop. His shirt was fresh but the tie was hanging around his neck, looking slightly rumpled.

"Yep, just got to change my shoes. Are you doing up your tie?"

He came completely into my office and closed the door behind him.

"Can I ask you for a favor?" He asked, puppy-dog eyes firmly in place.

"Sure."

"Can you tie my tie? I just can't seem to get it; I'm all thumbs."

I had to laugh. When he was doing his summer internship for his Masters program, he used a clip-on tie, never mastering how to tie a real one. One day I came home with a couple of silk ties in various colors and taught my beautiful boy how to knot a tie. Edward in a tie had to be the hottest thing, outside of him in a tuxedo, ever. We also found alternatives for his ties after his internship finished.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Surely, after all this time, you have learned to knot your own tie?"

"Of course I have. I've been wearing ties since I started with MacKenzie Brown. I'm just …" He trailed off.

I moved towards him, standing toe to toe. His eyes were on me, watching closely. I knew I couldn't look up. Instead, I looked straight ahead, concentrating on the tie and pretended that it wasn't Edward's chest in my line of sight. That it wasn't his breath I could feel on the top of my head with every exhale. That it wasn't seven years since I last did this.

Pulling the silk through one last time, I was finished. I smoothed down the tie and tucked it into his shirt collar. His breath hitched as I stroked the collar tips to his shirt. Good to know I wasn't the only one feeling this.. He placed his hands over mine for a second before I pulled away.

"You're just what?" I asked, curious as to what had him all tied up in knots, or not as the case may be.

"I'm … nervous," he said softly.

"What's to be nervous about, Edward? This is your client; you've been with this account since the start."

"I know, but this is the first time I have handled something like this; a complete set-up of an international office. Aro Volturi is not an easy man to please."

"So I read. Self-made man and known as an industry shark. Any pointers?" I hoped my distraction technique would calm him.

Edward chuckled, "Nope, you will be just fine." He grinned widely at my confused look. "You're a woman. Aro is through and through Italian. He has a respect for beautiful, intelligent women. He'll no doubt turn his charm on to full effect."

I frowned. I wasn't some insipid debutante that would swoon at a few sweet words muttered by a handsome man. Aro was nearly sixty and nowhere near my type. Maybe if that man was Edward, but that was not a road I could go down.

"I think I can resist, Edward."

He smirked. "Don't say I didn't warn you; he's pretty persuasive."

"Look, the girls in the London office might fawn over him, but I–"

I was interrupted by a phone call from Emily. The company car service was ready and waiting in front of the building. The journey was made mostly in silence as I took one last look over the report that we would be presenting to Aro in the morning, just in case he had any questions about it tonight.

Edward snatched it from my hands

"Relax, Bella. We won't be talking business tonight. This is a meet and greet for you and a catch-up for me. Aro believes in getting the best measure of people by meeting them face to face and not just over a boardroom table."

Suddenly I was nervous. This was way out of my comfort zone. I had a firm grasp, or at least I used to, of what professionalism was. I'd taken on small armies and negotiated the most complex of contracts across a boardroom table. I was at my most charming and influential across a boardroom table. I didn't know what my role was here.

Edward helped me out of the car, his touch helping to quell the nerves just a little. The restaurant was a little Italian place that looked very non-descript from the outside, but the inside was contemporary and buzzing with patrons.

"Hello, can I help you?" the hostess asked.

"We have a table for three, booked under Volturi for six PM."

"Ah, yes. Mr. Volturi is already here."

I turned to Edward, full of horror. "Are we late?" I grabbed his left arm and looked at his watch. "It's ten to. We're not late. What's going on?"

"Calm down, Bella," He chuckled. "We're not late, he is really early." His thumb brushed over my hand causing my brain to shut down for a second. Just enough time for composure to fill me; I could do this.

"Right, I get it." I squared my shoulders and straightened my back. I could do this. I turned to the hostess. "Could you show us the way?"

Edward motioned for me to follow the hostess. His hand found the small of my back, his heat seeping into my suit jacket and blouse to my skin. I couldn't help but lean back into his hold.

I spotted Aro Volturi at once. Even though I had Googled images of him, you would still be able to pick him out of a crowd. His appearance was startling. Long white hair tied low at his neck. His slender body was dressed in a heavy-looking black suit. Its mandarin collar emphasized his hard-edged jaw line. The man oozed power and control. He uncurled thin fingers from around his wine glass as we neared him.

"Ah, Edward. So good to see you again." His slightly accented voice was almost a whisper. It went straight through me and chilled me to the bone.

How could this guy be considered charming? I just found him creepy.

"You too, Mr. Volturi."

"How many times do I have to tell you, call me, Aro?"

"One more time I guess. Aro, meet Isabella Swan. Bella, this is Aro Volturi, CEO of Volturi Global Bank and Investments."

I stepped forward, hand outstretched. Aro looked at it for a second before taking it in both of his. "A pleasure, Ms. Swan. Your name suits you; your nickname, too. I've been very much looking forward to meeting you. Edward has been singing your praises."

_Well, color me stupid. Edward has been singing my praises? I became cautious. What exactly had he been singing?_

"Lies, all lies I tell you."

"Well, he certainly didn't let on how beautiful you are, and Edward is an expert in beauty."

I couldn't help but blush. Edward was right; Aro exuded charm from his very pores. It came to him as naturally as breathing.

"Now, shall we sit and have some dinner, some wine, and some pleasant conversation?"

Dinner passed relatively well. There was an awkward moment when I hadn't heeded Edward's advice and decided to try and talk business, but Aro waved me away and kept talking to Edward about some suit maker in London. Aro was an interesting character. His parents were from Italy and had moved to the UK just before he was born. He founded the bank with two of his brothers; one older and the other younger. Aro was the only one ever really seen in public. Caius was CFO, and no one had seen Marcus since the passing of his wife, who died due to mysterious circumstances. Not that I was one to pay heed to gossip.

"So, Bella, Edward tells me you are old childhood friends. It's a very small world, is it not?"

I arched an eyebrow at Edward in curiosity. "Edward and I used to be best friends in high school. We also went to the same college. When you live in a town as small as Forks, everyone is your childhood friend." I caught a flash of hurt flash across Edward's face. I hadn't meant to belittle what we used to have in school. "But Edward was my best friend. I'm glad he's here, so we have a chance to reconnect again."

Edward smiled and playfully nudged his shoulder against mine. I couldn't help but blush; I meant every word.

Aro tented his fingers in front of him, a sad smile on his face. "You two make a stunning couple."

I turned away from Aro's disquieting gaze. Edward made to correct him but Aro held up a hand.

"I know, I know, Edward. If I didn't know about your attachments in the UK, I might be tempted to play a little matching-making with you two."

_Attachments? What kind of attachments? _

Did he mean like a house and mortgage or did he mean something or someone else? I dreaded the thought.

I looked across at Edward to find him twisting his used napkin in his hands. He smiled at me. Was that nerves I could see?

"You know my home is in the UK, Aro. Plus, who would manage your account if I eloped with Bella?"

"Ah, true, true. I can't lose one of my best. Moreover, Isabella, I think you are about to become my new favorite person."

Edward placed his hand over mine on the table, tapping it twice. He smiled cheekily at me, but I could see his underlying unease. I knew that tell; Edward was hiding something.

I wasn't sure that I wanted to be Aro's favorite person. He was kind of like the weird uncle at a family reunion. All hands-y and inappropriate. But there was something else to Aro, something that chilled me to the bone. The 'I know something you don't know' smile didn't endear him to me either.

Edward must have sensed my discomfort because he kept throwing me concerned looks throughout dinner. Most importantly, he kept Aro talking; mainly about himself. Pretty soon, the restaurant was empty and the staff was hanging around, silently begging us to leave. Finally, Aro took the hint and Edward paid the bill.

"Edward, will you be joining me for a nightcap? Oh, and you are more than welcome too, Bella."

I cringed and let out an over exaggerated yawn. "What a wonderful offer, Aro, but I'm going to have to turn in. I can't do these late nights anymore. And, we have our big meeting in the morning." I tried to keep the smile from my lips as Edward pleaded with his eyes for me not to leave him alone.

"Oh, what a shame. Looks like it's just us two boys then, Edward. Let me call you a car service to take you home, Bella."

_Hell no!_ A car service would be at least ten minutes, and I couldn't keep up the pretense any longer.

"It's okay, I'll hail a cab," I smirked at Edward. "You have fun, boys." I gave Edward a smug grin and waved my hands."

I chuckled as Edward's brow furrowed; he was pissed. I would no doubt be hearing about it in the morning but for now, I couldn't care. I was getting away from Aro Volturi. I'd managed to escape, and I didn't even fall for his Italian charms.

Bella 2, Edward 0.

* * *

**Woop, woop - i've reached a mile stone...10 chapters and nearly 300 reviews. You guys rockkkkkk! I promised MoniP Monica Nopi an outtake if i reached the very unlikely 300 mark...so she's gonna get an outtake in E's POV!. I've also promised Jamie Meredith one too. I'll publish them in a seperate story as soon as i have them done!**

**Thanks to the prereading stars - Malloryknoxx and one of eddies girls - for their wonderful direction. Thanks to PTB for their beta know how. Most of all, thanks to the beautiful girls that keep me writing...KikkiSeven, Twilly and JMolly. I FLOVE you guys almost as much as i love my comfy bed!**


	11. Morning Wood

**Your reviews blew me away! Sorry I didn't get to answering them all but I read and treasure each one. Thanks as always to my pre-readers Malloryknox and one of eddies girls. Welcome on board my new beta, Kibby, and my most awesome friend, JMolly, who's pre-reading as well as pulling me back from the edge.**

* * *

_Oh- baby now let's get down tonight. _  
_Baby, I'm hot just like your oven. _  
_Oh- I need your lovin' _  
_And baby, I can't hold it much longer_

_**Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing**_

**Chapter Eleven – Morning Wood**

Three pairs of pants – check

Four pairs of underwear; the good stuff – check

PJ's – check

Toiletries – check

Bob fitted with new batteries – check

Travel tissues just in case – check

I zipped up my small carry-on suitcase and dumped it on my couch. Ginger meowed angrily from her carry case. She was going to stay with Angela while I was away for the long weekend.

The two teams in our area were going to the annual corporate retreat that Garrett liked to do. It was the usual BS of team building exercises and too much alcohol. I kind of liked it. I had a great team, some of whom I was lucky enough to call friends. This year, we were going to do it a little differently by going to Vail, Colorado. It was the first time we'd held a retreat outside of Washington or Oregon. The twelve of us would be meeting at the airport and flying to Denver before a car service would take us out to Vail. The only worry on the horizon was the fact that Edward was going too.

I'd tried to convince myself that it was just like the trip to Forks, and we managed that just fine, but it wasn't the same. Things were different between us now. I couldn't deny it anymore; I was feeling something for Edward. Something I didn't want to label yet, but I knew it had the potential to break my heart all over again. These thoughts plagued me over and over even as I waited in the check-in line at the airport.

"Penny for them?" a velvet voice in my ear asked.

I jumped, nearly losing the grip on my case. "Jesus, Edward, you nearly gave me a heart attack."

His hands gripped my upper arms softly as I tried to gather my breath. "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to scare you. Where were you? Some place nice?"

Fuck, what could I say? I was thinking of you. Thinking how your lips would feel on mine, your skin against mine. Your…

"I was just thinking over my welcome speech. How are you? Ready for some up-close and personal bonding time with your US counterparts?" My voice was shaky and high-pitched.

"I'm actually looking forward to it. I've been to Vail before in winter, so it'll be cool seeing it in the summertime. What about you?"

"I actually enjoy these kinds of things. Emily, Lauren and I usually share a suite or have rooms next to each other. These trips usually turn into a girls' weekend away. Watch out for Lauren if you partake in a touch football game. She grew up with three big brothers, so she's a bit of a hustler."

"Noted. I'm kind of looking forward to spending the weekend with you too. Forks was fun, maybe this weekend can be too."

His boyish grin was contagious. I really didn't know what to say to that, given I was thinking the same thing myself…for totally different reasons. Luckily, I didn't have to say anything.

"Hey, Boss," Emily's voice rang out behind me. "Oh, and hello, Edward. You look just as handsome out of your suit as you do in it. Doesn't he, Bella?"

Why the little…"Um, yeah sure? You look good."

And didn't he just. Dark wash jeans, relaxed and worn-in, a white button-down shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He'd pushed his Ray Bans up onto his head, his green eyes amused at my discomfort.

"So have you seen Lauren?" Emily asked. "I called her en-route, and she was just getting out of bed,"

"No, but you know she's a last minute kind of girl. So, Em, are you going to share the bunk list?"

"Nope, it's top secret, for my eyes only. I'll say this, the cabins we will be staying in are all two or three bedrooms, family-style." She wiggled her eyebrows with a massive grin on her face.

Phew, I would be with my girls. But what about Edward? He would probably be sharing with one of the guys he played basketball with. "Who's Edward sharing with?"

"What part of 'top secret' don't you understand? Jeez, Bella, you have an MBA but don't understand the correct meaning of words? Maybe you should have looked up a dictionary every now and again."

Pft! I did look up a dictionary regularly – Urban Dictionary.

"Fine, see if I care." I pouted.

We cleared security, and the girls went off to the bar. Edward wandered over to an Aston Martin Vanquish that was being offered as a prize draw. I was browsing in a bookstore, drawn to the travel guides, dreaming of places I would probably never see. I took a vacation to Hawaii once — a sort of graduation present to myself a couple of years after my actual graduation. Hawaii was amazing and just as wonderful as I imagined it to be. But as wonderful as the vacation was, I'd been so very lonely. There was no one to share the beautiful sunsets or to snorkel in the ocean with. No one to turn to and say "do you remember when…?" After that, I decided not to travel on my own again. And, aside from a girl's trip to San Francisco with Angela, I hadn't left Washington for any reason except work.

"American Airlines Flight One-Nine-Two to Denver is now ready for boarding. Would all passengers please make their way to Gate Forty Two."

That was us. I put back a book on Italy I'd been perusing and headed toward the gate. I spotted Edward putting an entry in the prize-box. He always was a dreamer.

I squeezed down the aisle of the plane, trying not to knock anyone unconscious with my purse. Finding my window seat, I pulled out my Kindle and iPod, and settled in. The flight was only two hours, but let's face it, I was in a steel tube a mile in the air. I needed something to amuse me.

"So this is where you disappeared to, Swan?" asked an all-so-familiar voice behind me.

_Fuck. My. Life_

Edward sat down in the seat next to me and pulled out his iPad.

"Edward, I think the seating is pre-assigned. You're sitting in someone else's seat."

"Fourteen B! Says so right here on my boarding pass." He tapped the card and flashed me a mischievous grin.

Smug bastard. "How'd you…?"

"I sweet talked the check-in guy. Who knew I could play gay so well? I should've been an actor."

So Edward had channeled his inner gaydar just so he could sit beside me. I wondered what he'd said to the check-in agent as to why he wanted so desperately to sit beside his female friend. Especially if he was playing gay.

"So what should I expect from this weekend? Kumbiya around the campfire? Trust exercises? Passing a spirit stick around?"

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Edward, it's a corporate retreat, not cheer camp. We'll mainly just explore the area, maybe do a little planning for next year. Yeah, we'll talk work, but it's a chance for the teams to reconnect. Don't you do this in the UK?"

"No, you mention the words 'corporate retreat', and people run for the hills." He had a look of mock horror on his face.

I couldn't help the goofy smile on my face. "Don't worry, you'll have fun."

"I know I will; you'll be there." His face was serious and sincere.

The smile slipped. I couldn't think of a reply to that. This man had me tied up in so many knots I was starting to wonder if I would ever straighten myself out. In two months, when he left, we would find out.

Our flight was made mainly in silence. We shared an arm rest, and I could feel him against me from shoulder to wrist. I hadn't seen a word on my Kindle, nor could I tell you a single song that had played in my ears. The feel of Edward's body was the only thing I could focus on.

In Denver, I purposely got in a different mini-van than Edward, desperate for some breathing space. The journey to White River National Park was serene. It reminded of Washington in a way, but it was different. The area was just as green but lacked that feeling of home I associated with the color. The geography was more tamed, almost graceful in the way the trees gave way to meadows of wildflowers. Mountains rose, void of snow-caps. This area was beautiful in the summer; it would be spectacular in the winter. I would have to ask Edward.

_Fuck!_

He'd only been here three weeks, and he'd already wrangled his way into all my thoughts. I'd managed seven years without so much as a thought — well okay, hardly a thought. Why was it so difficult to keep him out now?

We stopped just up the slope from Vail's center, but we were close enough to still walk into town. The cabins were typical of the log cabins in the area. Emily was already pairing up people and handing over keys. She walked around the group until there was just Lauren, Edward and myself left.

_Did Edward have a cabin to himself?_

I doubted Emily would have forgotten him just because he was only at MacKenzie Brown Seattle temporarily.

"And finally, Edward and Bella. You lucky two have a cabin to yourselves."

"What?!" I yelled. "Why am I not with you guys? We always bunk together."

"Sorry, boss, because of the cabin configuration, he was going to be on his own, so I paired him up with you."

"You can't do that." My voice was bordering on hysterical.

_For the sake of my sanity, woman, you can't do that!_

Emily shrugged and handed us a key each to cabin thirteen.

"Come on, Bella, it'll be fine. We shared an apartment for three years, I'm sure we can manage a weekend," Edward said, an uncertain look on his face telling a different story.

"Fine."

He picked up my small suitcase with his own and started towards the cabin.

"Bella?" Emily called. I turned back to face her. "Good luck."

She winked. She fucking winked at me. Lauren was right behind her giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

I was going to kill them…slowly!

I took a deep breath before I entered the cabin. Edward was standing in the small, open-plan living area. His hand was clasped to the back of his neck; a sure sign he was anxious. Boy, I knew that feeling well.

"Bella." His voice was soft, as if talking to a skittish animal.

"Yes, Edward," I said in exasperation. I really couldn't catch a break as far as Edward was concerned.

"We've got a problem."

_No shit, Sherlock._

"Actually, we have two. Their names are Emily and Lauren," I muttered while I thought through possible execution methods. Would Edward help me hide the bodies?

"Well, we have another one then." He motioned around the space. "Only one bedroom."

Finally, I took in the whole cabin. It was actually quite cozy. Three doors lead off the main room.

"Back door, bathroom, and the only bedroom." He counted off the doors.

I shouldn't have been surprised. With Emily's sneakiness, I should have known she was planning something like this.

"It's fine, Bella. I can take the couch." He grimaced at the thought.

I looked at it. Somehow I didn't see Edward fitting his six-foot-two frame onto the three-person sofa.

"No, I'll take the couch. The last thing we need is you out with a bad back. I'm counting on you as my secret weapon in the touch football game later."

Edward managed a half smile. "Please, just let me be a gentleman. I'll take the couch."

Without giving me the time to argue back, he picked up my case and deposited it in the bedroom. When he came back, we stood in the living room in silence.

_Awkward!_

"Look, Edward, I'm so sorr-"

His phone rang before I could finish my sentence. He plucked his phone from his back pocket and frowned at the display.

"I...um…I have to take this."

Whoever was on the other side of that call wasn't really wanted. "Business?"

"No," he muttered sadly.

He disappeared out the front door. My mind threatened to go into overdrive at just who it could be on the other end. And more importantly, why the hell did I care so much? Instead, I pulled out my own phone. I had a PA to yell at.

"Emily, what the hell are you playing at?" I whisper-yelled so Edward wouldn't hear me outside.

"I don't know what you mean, boss."

"Don't play coy with me. Why the hell are Edward and I shacked up in a one-bedroom cabin?"

I could hear the smile in Emily's voice as she spoke. "I thought two old friends could use some catch-up time." Lauren was laughing in the background.

"It's not funny, Emily." My anger was slipping but not enough to let her off the hook.

"Why so uptight, boss? If all you two are is friends there shouldn't be a problem. Unless…Bella, do you want it to be something more?"

_Fuck! Was I that obvious?_

"Just find another cabin. Now!"

"No can do, boss. Everything is booked solid. It's Oktoberfest or something."

"Oktoberfest? It's September," I cried. I couldn't spend a weekend with Edward in such close quarters.

"I checked. Unless you want to be half way up a mountain, you're shit out of luck."

I sighed, the fight leaving me in a rush. "I don't think I can do this," I whispered. I hadn't been so vulnerable in so long.

"Oh, Bella. I think you need this. I don't know the whole story, but you used to think he was your '_one'_. You'll kick yourself if you don't find out if it's still there." Her voice was soft but held no trace of pity.

"He's only here for two months. Then he's gone. I don't think I could bear to lose him again."

"Then time's a wasting, Bellarella. Try, for God's sake, try,"

"Okay," I whispered.

"We're here if you need us. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, Em, I know." The front door swung open. "I've got to go."

Edward looked slightly distressed but was trying to mask it with a strained smile.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

"Yep, just London calling."

Interesting. London calling but it wasn't work related. No matter how much I wanted to fish for information, Edward didn't look like he was in a mood to share.

"I spoke to Emily. She can't get us another cabin. Everything is full because of a beer festival." Edward's smile peaked up at the mention of beer. Such a man. "Here –" I threw him the itinerary pack Emily had given us. "You can read that while I freshen up."

I studied myself in the bathroom mirror. I'd never felt more my age than I did the last couple of weeks. Being slapped in the face by your history had a way of doing that. My face lost its childish look, my lips were fuller. I looked like a woman, not the skinny, boyish figure of my youth. Could Edward want this Bella just as much as he'd wanted the younger Bella?

x-x-x-x

Our group dinner in a Chinese restaurant had been an unusually quiet affair. I'd forgiven Emily quite quickly, and she hugged me. I wasn't sure if she was holding me up or holding me together. Edward sat beside me but spent most of the evening chatting across the table, talking sports with his basketball buddies. It was good to see him making friends.

His chatter didn't mean that he hadn't been attentive. When they served starters, Edward asked the waiter for a rubber band and turned my chopsticks into cheat sticks with the band tied near the top so I could pinch them together with ease. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I'd perfected the use of chopsticks the old fashion way many years ago. During the main course, he heaped Singapore noodles on to my plate instead of rice before serving himself. He only ordered one serving of mango pancakes, remembering that I could never finish the whole thing by myself.

If I hadn't been so mixed-up about what was going on between us, I would've found it all sweet. Instead, it served to confuse me further.

My nerves built as we wandered back to the cabin. I was going to be sleeping with Edward just yards away. What did he even wear to bed these days? He'd expected to have a room to himself.

_Fuck, what if he slept naked? _

A thrill shot through me. Bob would be getting a work-out tonight. The silence as we walked wasn't uncomfortable, but it was weighted.

Edward opened the door of the cabin and motioned for me to enter before him. I flashed back briefly to the countless times Edward and I had gone back to our apartment after nights out or long evenings studying at the library. He would close the door and pin my body up against it, pushing his body hard against mine as if we could never get close enough. Sometimes we wouldn't even make it to the bedroom. Our apartment was well christened. My memories really weren't helping the lust that bubbled just beneath the surface.

"Are you okay, Bella?"

I blushed and ducked my line of sight from his piercing view, as if he could tell where my thoughts had been. Busted.

"Umm…yeah. I'm just _really_ tired." I faked a yawn. "It's been a long day. Well, I better head to bed. Some of us need our beauty sleep. I mean…_I _need my beauty sleep, not you. You're beautiful without it." I clamped my mouth shut. Where the hell was my verbal filter? I screwed my eyes closed. My rational side convinced me that if I couldn't see him, he couldn't see me, and I hadn't just made a complete fucknut of myself. Nope, denial wasn't working. I opened my eyes again to Edward's bemused expression.

"Well, I think you're beautiful too, Bella. Do you want to use the bathroom first?"

He was giving me an out. "Sure, I'll be quick." I almost ran to my room to gather my things, My mortification was complete when I tripped over thin air, only avoiding a face-plant against the door frame by my windmilling arms and smacking the wall in front of me.

x-x-x-x

I'd been staring at the ceiling for two hours. Sleep was not my friend. Not even a round with Bob helped. Instead, I was stuck listening to every creak, grunt and rustle as Edward tossed and turned on the couch. It looked like I wasn't the only one not getting any sleep. Admitting defeat, I got up. Making sure my shorts and cami PJ's covered everything appropriately, I headed for the bedroom door.

I could see feet sticking out over the arm of the couch, uncovered. I was right; he didn't fit.

"Edward, are you awake?"

"Bella?" A bedraggled head appeared over the back of the sofa. "What's wrong? Can't sleep?"

I shook my head. Edward beckoned me over to where he was lying. I could see he was wearing sleep pants but no shirt. Was being so close to him such a good idea? Either way, I walked toward him. He lifted up the edge of the blanket and gestured for me to climb in. Ignoring my sensible side, I slipped in beside him. His arm came up behind me, lying across my shoulders. As I leaned in and rested my head on his bare chest, my warring thoughts stopped dead.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, his lips moving against the top of my head.

I shook my head. I didn't even know what was wrong exactly. I was perplexed by my feelings for the man who's heartbeat I could hear under me. I had so many questions I needed the answers to, but I didn't think I was ready to hear them yet.

"Tell me about when you were last in Vail," I whispered, scared anything louder might shatter this.

"I think I'd just turned fifteen, Alice was fourteen, and our parents brought us here to ski. Alice insisted on a shopping trip to Seattle for new ski gear; the stuff in Newton's outdoor shop was _so_last season. I don't know how she knew that, given Vail was Alice's first attempt at skiing."

I listened to him talk, letting out the occasional giggle. His chin rested on the top on my head now, tucking me into him. The hand that was slung behind me stroked my skin unconsciously. This was where I belonged; this was home.

I could feel my eyelids dropping. "Come to bed, Edward."

"Bella?" he gasped, voice full of surprise and, perhaps, delight.

"To sleep, Edward. Just to sleep. You can't be comfortable out here. Your poor feet don't even fit under the blanket."

I looked up at him, careful to avoid head butting his chin. Disappointment was written all over his face. Whatever it was I felt between us, it wasn't one-sided.

I peeled myself from his frame, my skin cold without his touch. I offered my hand and led us toward the bedroom. Edward gripped my hand tightly before letting it go so I could climb into my side. We lay, side by side on our backs, a space between us that might as well have been as wide as the ocean. I doubted I would be sleeping tonight.

"Night, Edward."

"Night, Bella." He sounded strained, but I let it go.

_Fuck, I was warm; too warm._

I tried to throw the covers off me, but they were too heavy…and hard. In fact, they didn't feel like covers at all. My eyes sprung open. Daylight seeped in between the cracks in the curtains, just enough for me to see what was going on. I looked down under the cover. Edward's arm was thrown across my waist, his forearm keeping me pulled against his chest, nestled into him. I tried to wriggle free, to give myself some breathing room, but his arm clamped tighter and moved further over my waist. It was then I became aware of a rather large, solid object against my butt. Either Edward had found Bob and had himself some fun last night, or he was sporting some serious morning wood. I _had_to get out of this bed. His grip was almost vice-like, and I froze. Wiggling was only making things worse.

This wasn't the first time I'd woken up in Edward's arms and needed to get away. Usually it was because I needed to pee or clean up. Well except for that one time…the first night we slept together.

x-x-x-x

_"Come on, Bella. That's another drink. Kit said 'fuck'," Edward laughed, pouring me another shot of cheap Oozo._

_I groaned. I was going to hurl, and we still had another thirty minutes of 'Pretty Woman' to go. The condition of my picking such a girly flick was that we played a drinking game. Edward and I had been watching a movie on Friday nights ever since I'd moved in, resurrecting an old Forks tradition. Edward turned it into a drinking game in an effort to man-up my chick-flick choices, working our way through the left over alcohol from Tyler's going away party._

_"Seriously, Edward. One more shot and I'm gonna hurl."_

_"Come on," he goaded. "There is only one more shot left in the bottle, and it has your name written all over it. I'll even hold your hair as you throw-up." He smiled smugly._

_"Aw, aren't you the perfect gentleman," I slurred._

_Edward wasn't in a much better state. His eyes were glazed and smiles sloppy. A sure sign my boy was drunk._

My boy?!

_I'd been living with Edward for three months, and things between us were building. You' would have to be blind not to see it. There had been sly touches and 'friendly' cuddle session on the couch. Edward met me almost every day for lunch. He surprised me with coffee or take-out. He helped me study for exams and tests at the expense of his own study time. But there had been no repeat of the night on First Beach after prom; not even a mention of it. And I was dying inside. The feelings I had for Edward, ever since we lived in Forks, were still there. But, obviously Edward's weren't._

_I tossed back the shot and prayed for numbness. "I'm out," I proclaimed. "I can't do any more and my bed is calling me."_

_"Bellaboo, my little lightweight." Edward chuckled teasingly, a sloppy smile on his face._

_"Hardly," I countered. "I've kept up with you shot for shot. See, I can be one of the boys too."_

_His face darkened. "Trust me, Bella, you are anything but one of the boys."_

_Even in my tipsy state, I felt the hurt shoot through me. "Fine, whatever. It's just a stupid drinking game."_

_I staggered to my feet and marched away; the words hit far too close to home. The only insecurity I had about my friendship with Edward was my gender. As he said, I wasn't one of the boys. Over the years of our friendship, comments had always been made about how Edward's best friend was a _girl. _Rumors around school were always that Edward and I were friends with benefits, that he was secretly_ _screwing around with me and whatever Eddie's flavor-of-the-month girl was. Not that he was screwing either of us._

_"Bella!" he yelled out behind me._

_I still stomped on, reaching out for the doorknob of my bedroom door._

_"Bella, will you just stop?"_

_I was drunk and angry, which was never a good combination. "What, Edward?" I spun around to confront him._

_"Why are you angry?" he asked, looking scared and confused._

_"I am well aware that I'm not one of your boys, Edward. I'm never asked to join in basketball games, never part of your boy's nights out or your inside jokes. I'm just little Bella Swan. Shy, tag-along Bella Swan who followed you from Forks," I spat, all my fears laid bare._

_"Jesus, that's not what I meant at all. You've never been my tag-along. You've got no idea who you are to me." His eyes pleaded with me to…what? To stop, to work out his cryptic remark?_

_I tried to form a response, but I was too drunk and too confused to say anything. _

_His hands reached up and cupped my cheeks. I held his gaze. "Don't you see, Bella? Don't you see who you are to me?"_

_I didn't even attempt to speak, a lump stuck somewhere in my throat. Instead, I shook my head in his hands._

_"Did prom give you no hint?" He had the audacity to chuckle and shake his head at me._

_"I…don't…Edward, what…?" My words were still stuck._

_His strong hands pushed me against the door, his body following — hard and firm against mine. His eyes were dark and glazed, like you'd see described in crime thrillers — the eyes of a desperate man. His faced moved closer to mine, but I could see his hesitation. The alcohol had lowered my inhibitions and knowing I would never get this chance again, I pushed forward. If Edward got the chance to change his mind, I knew he would back away and beat himself up — take the blame for crossing an undrawn line._

_My hands snaked up his chest, feeling every muscle twitch under my fingers, until they linked behind his neck. Using the door at my back for leverage, I pushed and kissed him. His lips were just as I remembered — so soft, so giving and so like home to me. I kissed him harder, waiting and praying for him to respond, all the while wondering if I'd just killed our friendship in one quick strike. _

_Finally, I felt him move. Arms moved to grip me, pulling me hard against his erection. He kissed me back, just as insistent and just as deep. I could feel the hunger and desperation in the kiss. As his hands slipped under my hoodie, caressing my bare skin, I knew we were on the same page. _

_"Bella." He moaned, changing direction and kissing down my neck._

_My body hummed and jumped at each nip. He held me so firmly, yet I felt so treasured, almost worshiped. My hands scrambled around behind me until I met the cold metal of the handle. The momentum of the door opening propelled us into my bedroom, and I felt the air change. Edward paused in his exploration of my collarbone and looked up at me._

_"Bella?" _

_I took a breath to steel my nerves and met his stare. I couldn't trust my voice not to betray me so instead I reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head. His Adams apple bobbed._

_"I want this, Edward. I want you," I murmured, leaving no room for miscommunication or the misunderstanding that had plagued us in recent months._

_With an almost imperceptible nod, he walked me backward, __hands fumbled and slipped as we helped each other out of our clothes. There was no finesse as we tumbled onto the bed, still kissing and dressed only in our underwear._

_Edward hovered beside me, his thumb running over my face, eyes passionate, as if he was seeing me for the first time._

_"Edward?" I asked, his intense gaze starting to scare me. Was he reconsidering?_

_"Is this real, Bella? Is this really happening?" His voice was quiet and so unsure my heart hurt for him._

_I felt my body relax. He'd wanted something more too. More than our friendship. He wanted _me _the way I wanted him! I managed a small smile and cupped his cheek. "It's real. I promise it's real."_

_His lips reconnected with mine, tongue swiping along my lower lip. I opened up to him, swallowing his groan. I was so lost to this boy, this man, who'd been my rock since I was sixteen. I'd watched him for so long, scared of another girl coming in and taking my place. Even after we lost touch when he went to college, I thought about him all the time. What was he doing? How was college going? There was never any mention from Alice of a girlfriend, or she'd been too nervous to tell me if there was. But regardless of how long it had taken, we were here now._

_Hooking my leg over his, __he shifted his body to lie between my hips__. I could feel all of him, from hips to lips. His hardness ground into me in soft, subtle movements but not enough to satisfy me. His new position gave him more access to my body. Hot, wet kisses trailed downward, exploring, mapping every bump and curve. As my nails raked across his scalp, needing an anchor, I waited for him to pull back. Edward was a rational person, he thought everything through before he did it, and this was so unlike him. So spontaneous and unexpected. I would rather he pulled away now than wake up in the morning full of regret. What he was doing to me was torture — the very best kind of torture._

_My toes curled as he swiped his tongue around my belly button. My hips bucked towards him, seeking friction, as my stomach drew away from the ticklish assault._

_"God, Edward...more." I begged in a voice not my own._

_He looked up at me. All the hesitation I'd previously seen was gone. Instead, a devilish, slightly smug smile played on his face. "Just Edward is fine. No need to call me God yet." He chuckled, while his hands kneaded my ass._

_I let out a sigh of relief, but it came out more as a moan as Edward took a nipple in his mouth. Fuck, the boy was good. I didn't want to think about how he'd gotten so good, but I was happy to be the beneficiary. Even as I felt the heat pool at my center, I knew it wasn't enough. He was too far away, and I couldn't feel enough of him. I needed to feel this was real too._

_I tightened my legs over his hips, pushing his erection hard to me, and hooked my toes in the waist band of his boxers. My hands were too occupied gripping the comforter under me. It was the only thing holding me, grounding me in the moment. Awkwardly I pushed at his underwear but was getting nowhere fast._

_"Edward, a little help here?" I asked._

_He let my nipple go with a pop, and I gasped as the cold air clawed at the sensitive peak. There was a fine line between pleasure and pain._

_"Are you sure?" _

_At the concern in his eyes, I knew he would pull back if I said no, but it was the furthest thing from my mind. I started this with a kiss, and I wasn't stopping now. "If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't be the one pulling at your underwear trying to get you naked." I couldn't help the sarcasm in my tone. Boys asked the dumbest questions._

_Poor Edward blushed. Was it at the word naked or being called out at his silly question? Now wasn't the time to be asking. He sat back on his knees and gracelessly took off his boxers before throwing them behind him. It was my turn to blush as I stared at him. While I wasn't a virgin, I'd only been with one other person, and I hadn't even seen him fully naked. It was always clumsy fumbles under the covers that only left one of us in any way satisfied. Edward was _huge!_ I'm sure in retrospect he was actually normal, but as I twisted my head to view him from side to side, all I thought was, "how the hell was he going to fit?"_

"_You okay there?" he asked in a slightly smug, amused tone._

_At that remark, I could see my best friend just as much as I could see Edward the man. Our history and attraction was just as present as his concern and care as my potential lover._

_"If I give you an honest answer, your ego will swell."_

_"Trust me, Bella, just seeing you spread out like this is enough for my ego. It's everything to me."_

_Sincerity and honesty on his face and in his words had me. There was no denying the current that shot through me. I was head over heels, irrevocably in love with my best friend. "Show me," I whispered._

_And he did. Edward tenderly peeled my underwear away from me. His penetrating gaze had me shying away. It was like he could see right through to me; to my wildly beating heart._

_"I want to see you." Slowly, he peeled my hands from their death grip on the comforter and intertwined his fingers with mine. "We're here, together. Let me show you how good we could be?"_

_I nodded. He reached down, pushing my hands above my head, and kissed me. Soft, quick kisses to reassure me. Suddenly, he froze._

_"Fuck!" he exclaimed._

_"What?" Had I done something? Hurt him in some way?_

_"I don't have anything. I looked at him, confused. As far as I could see, he had all the equipment he would need. "I don't have any protection."_

_"Thank fuck." I muttered in relief. "I'm covered." I reached into my bedside table and pulled out a foil packet. "Alice bought them as a joke on her last visit. I just...I'm on the pill too."_

_Edward flashed me a quick grin before plucking the condom out if my hand. "Is that what those tablets are in the bathroom cabinet? I thought they were vitamins. I've been popping them as well."_

_He pulled the best damn poker face I have ever seen before grinning again. God, I loved this guy. My nerves and all the tension in the room calmed back down. _

_I watched with open curiosity as he rolled the condom down his length. My inner child, who really should have been wearing a blindfold and earphones, was having a giggle at just how funny his...thing...now looked. The giggle quickly faded as I felt his cock, hard and hot, against my thigh. We lay chest to chest and his hands slipped back into mine._

_A small nod from me was all the reassurance he needed as he started to move forward. I felt his tip at my entrance, stretching me. My last boyfriend hadn't been that well-endowed, and it had been a while since anything had been down there. This was going to hurt._

_I tensed, waiting for the pain. It couldn't be as bad as when I traded in my v-card, but it could run a pretty close second. _

_"Bella, baby, look at me," he coaxed softly. I unscrewed my eyes. "Are you...I mean, have you..."_

_"I'm not a virgin, if that's what you're asking. It's been a while, though."_

_He let out a breath of relief. Was it really that bad to deflower a virgin? "I need you to relax, Bella. Just look at me, focus on here. I'll go slow, but you're so fucking wet that it should be okay."_

_I closed my eyes and took a breath. "Okay."_

_Inch by glorious inch, he pushed forward. True to his word, it didn't hurt. I squirmed, trying to relieve the discomfort of being stretched so much, but Edward's gaze never wavered. He was with me the whole way. Finally, I felt him brushing against my public bone. His grip of my hands tightened._

_"Keep still, please." he ground out. "Fuck, you're so tight." That was a good thing, right? "So. Fucking. Good. I can't..."_

_I smiled smugly in victory. Plain Bella Swan rendered Edward Cullen speechless. I was the shit. The smile was soon lost as Edward began to move. I could feel every ridge as he withdrew, the feeling of loss there too. My hips bucked up, trying to claw him back. As he pushed back in, my body arched. Every nerve fired. This was it; this was what love truly felt like. Like finding home and the whole world slotting into place._

_"Edward." I moaned. _

_He released my hands to grip my hip, pounding me harder. My hands flew to his back, nails digging to keep me there as I felt my body begin to levitate, my name floating from his lips over and over._

_"I can't...God, Edward...I need..."_

_"Do it, Bella. Let it go. I want to see you come."_

_My back arched _as he pushed into me deeper than ever." _I'd always thought seeing stars was a cliché, but here, now, with Edward like this, I understood._

_"That's it, baby. You look so beautiful." I heard him, breaking through my drunken haze__.__  
_  
_I came down and back to the bedroom in time to feel Edward pump once, twice more, before he too came in a deep moan. I could see him all in that moment. Every emotion and every thought. Why had it taken us so long? My name continued to roll off his tongue until he finally opened his glazed green eyes. _

"_Are you okay?" he panted out._

_His body was a dead weight on mine, but I didn't care. Having him here, on me, reassured me it had actually happened. I wiggled a little, feeling our bodies slick with sweat. _

"_Oh God, I'm sorry, I'm crushing you."_

_I whimpered as he withdrew and moved away from me. "No, no, no," I cried, grabbing at his bicep to keep him where he was._

"_Bella, I have to." He looked down. "This is about to get very messy unless I go."_

_The only good thing about his trip to the bathroom was watching his fine ass as he walked away from me. As soon as the bathroom door closed, I let out a quiet squeal and beat my hands on the mattress. _I love Edward Cullen. I love Edward Cullen, _my mind chanted like a fourteen-year old girl in the schoolyard. My underused muscles complained – oh the best kind of pain._

"_Are you okay there?" asked velvety, amused tones._

_I stilled, a deep blush creeping across my now exposed body. "Nope." I let out another squeal causing Edward to chuckle._

_I ogled his body as he dove back under the covers – my body unconsciously curled around his warmth, my head on his chest._

"_You're happy?" he murmured._

_I turned my head so my ear was against his heartbeat. Flashing him a raised eyebrow, I offered him a shy smile. "Edward, happy isn't even close to how I feel. I think I'm gonna burst out of my skin and start singing songs from 'The Sound of Music'."_

_He chuckled, "There is honestly no one like you, Bella Swan. I'm beyond happy too."_

_x-x-x-x_

Fuck, I needed to really pee. And, why was I just hot as hell?

_I peeled my eyes open and wished I hadn't. I'd obviously forgotten to close the blinds last night. Light seared through my brain, enflaming my already pounding head. How much had I drunk last night?_

_I froze in my thoughts as I felt a nose snuffle into my neck and a body move tight against mine. I wasn't alone. It was like a cork had been pulled, and all the memories from last night came spilling in. _

I slept with Edward!

_I picked up the edge of the comforter and peered down. Yup, I was naked. And there was a rather tanned, male arm slung across my waist. I tried to quell the panic that was threatening to boil over as I came to realization of the whole situation. To try and get away, I lifted Edward's arm away from me. Instead, he gripped tighter, pulling me against a hard, solid thing._

"_MORNING WOOD!" my brain screamed._

_I shot from the bed faster than my hung over state was really happy with. My head thumped, but I was more concerned with the man in my bed. I thought I might have woken him with my abrupt flit from his arms, but he simply moaned and groped at the warm spot I left behind. The sheet slipped lower as he fidgeted, and I championed for it to keep going. Edward had a fine body; you could use his back alone as a canvas for fine art. I stood beside the bed, naked as the day I was born, and watched Edward sleep. He really was just beautiful, and he was maybe mine._

_Unable to find the source of the warm spot, he began to stir. Pretty green eyes opened, blinking to clear the haze._

"_Oh, thank God you're here. I thought it was a dream." He managed in a sleep-laden voice. His husky tones went straight to my crouch._

"_Yeah, I'm here. Is that good?" I asked. This was it, this would decide it all._

"_It's very good. Do you know what would be better?" I shook my head. "If you'd get your ass back into bed, and we can pick up where we left off."_

_I couldn't help but return his cheeky smile. This man was mine now. After I slipped back into bed, Edward pulled me close. Suddenly his morning wood wasn't that much of a problem anymore. In fact, I encouraged it._

x-x-x-x

This time, I wasn't about to encouraged him. In fact, I didn't want to even think about _this_, even if a small part of me wanted to do a fist pump that Edward obviously still found me attractive. Once more I made a quick get-away from Edward, but at least on this occasion I was fully clothed. I didn't even want to stick around and watch him sleep, even though he was still just as beautiful. Instead, I fled to the bathroom to hide. _This_ wasn't happening.

I was back in my happy place — denial — and that's where I was going to stay.

* * *

**Just a short but important note. I was involved in a pretty serious car crash yesterday, and, as a result have a dislocated shoulder, an already injured one, so next weeks update may run late. My arm's in a sling and i am typing one handed so am a little slow.**

**Teasers on my Facebook profile on Wednesday!**

**So tell me, what was your first thought when you read the chapter title?**


	12. Holy Palmer's Kiss

_Dream if you can a courtyard  
An ocean of violets in bloom  
Animals strike curious poses  
They feel the heat  
The heat between me and you_

_**When Doves Cry - Prince**_

**Chapter Twelve - ****Holy Palmers' Kiss**

_What do I do? What do I do?_

My reflection in the bathroom mirror wasn't going to answer, no matter how many times I asked it. And I'd asked it a lot. It'd been at least half an hour since I fled the bedroom and away from Edward's morning wood. Suddenly, I heard Edward starting to stir, and I still wasn't ready to face him. I reached over and turned on the shower. The steam slowly fogged the mirror, hiding my reflection.

"Bella? You in there?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, Edward, someone else snuck into the cabin and thought to use the shower while they were here!" I yelled sarcastically.

"Er, right. Yes, of course."

I had to laugh; Edward never was a morning person. Now he was up, I had to make a move to pull myself together.

"Why don't you get breakfast started, and I'll finish up here."

"Yeah, sounds good." I heard him trudge away…and then shuffle back. "You still like your eggs sunny-side up, right?"

"Yes, Edward. Also, if there's bacon, can I have mine extra crispy?"

Waking up in a blind panic and talking to yourself in the mirror sure did work up an appetite. At least I could rest assured that present-Edward wouldn't burn down the cabin like past-Edward might've.

I stripped down and hopped into the shower. The hot water helped to wash away the lingering sleepy cobwebs and put my world back in perspective. Morning wood was natural - at least I hadn't woken up to the result of a wet dream.

What was I doing hiding in a bathroom? I'd a chance at something not many got; I had a second chance to get to know my best friend. We'd talked through one of the worst nights of our lives and come out the other end still friends. There was still so much to talk about, but there was two months to enjoy what I had been missing for seven years. It was time to pull on the big girl panties and grow the fuck up.

I got out of the shower and dried off. The itinerary told us to dress in pants and sturdy shoes, but to also pack a swimsuit for the afternoon. Luckily in my blind, bed-fleeing panic, I remembered to grab the clothes I'd set out the night before. My parading around in a towel wouldn't help things at all. Finally, I was ready. When I stuck my head out, I could see Edward flitting around the kitchen, still in his sleep pants but thankfully he'd also put a t-shirt on.

"Something smells amazing."

Edward turned around, wielding a spatula. "I hope you're hungry, I think I've cooked too much bacon."

"You can never cook too much bacon. Just like you can never make too much coffee," I jokingly hinted.

He flashed a bashful smile before nodding in the direction of the breakfast bar. There sat a steaming cup of Joe I closed my eyes and inhaled, the smell of coffee and bacon that filled the space. Everything is right with the world.

"So, what time do we have to be ready to go?" I asked Edward, after all, he was the one that read the itinerary last night.

"We still have an hour. You know we're going zip lining this morning, right?"

"Yep. I managed to get it out of Emily some time ago. What about this afternoon?"

"No idea. It just says to prepare to get wet. Any ideas?" He asked, serving up perfectly cooked bacon and two slices of French toast.

"No, Emily wouldn't crack, which means it's the team building exercise. Talking of cracking, you promised me eggs. Where are my eggs?"

"I found cinnamon in the cupboard, so your eggs are now in the French toast. Try it."

I cautiously cut into a slice of bread. French toast was sacred. This could make or break our precarious friendship. The moan that escaped me was downright dirty. "Oh my God, this is so good. Marry me?" I blurted before I could stop myself.

Edward let out a bemused, if not uncomfortable, chuckle. "On that note, I'm going to get ready. There is more coffee in the pot if you want it."

I watched him walk away towards the bathroom, relieved that he hadn't brought up last night or my notable absence this morning.

x-x-x-x

"Looking good!" Emily teased.

I had to admit, I did look good. Well, as good as anyone could look in a wetsuit. I pulled on the neoprene boots that came as standard and watched as the other members of our group came together. The best thing was that we all looked just as ridiculous as each other. Well, everyone except Edward. It was so unfair. Was there nothing that he couldn't make look good? The tight suit clung to every defined muscle, emphasizing the v of hips right down to his…

"Bella, close your mouth. You're drooling."

I slammed my mouth shut, causing Emily to laugh louder. "Whatever, Em. Don't tell me you don't think he looks fine."

"It wasn't Edward I was staring at."

My gaze flickered to Garrett, but was interrupted before I could say anything back.

"Hello and welcome to Kori Rafting. My name is Daniel, and I will be your instructor for the day. I believe only Emily knows what we will be doing today so let me explain. You'll be divided into two teams, and your task is to build a raft that will be able to hold the weight of your whole team and an cooler full of food and drinks. You'll then row out to the island. The losers will cook lunch for everyone and wait hand and foot on the winning team. Winning team gets bragging rights until next year."

Everyone cheered. Bragging rights were the be all and end all of our corporate retreat.

"So, a couple of rules. No one goes near the water without their life preserver on. No sabotage, including bumping the other teams raft. I want a clean fight. Okay, teams are as follows. Bella, Emily, Garrett, Mellissa, Hamlet and Scott, you are Team One. Brian, Lauren, Katherine, Edward, Greg and Noor are Team Two. You have ninety minutes to plan, execute and win."

I looked over to Edward. I could see the glimmer of competition in his eyes. 'Bring it' they roared out. This was so on.

"Ready, set…go," Daniel yelled out.

We all ran towards the piles of equipment. We were a group of project managers, analysts and admin staff. Planning, execution and delivery were what we did. We were going to blow Daniel away.

"So, Garrett, what's the plan?" Emily asked.

"Oh, no. No, no, no! I'm a boss five days of the week; it's someone else's turn. Plus, I'm from the city, what the hell do I know about building rafts?"

I looked over at the other team. They were already scrambling over everything. Fools rush in.

"Okay, let's put everything in piles so we know what we have. Then we can come up with a plan," I instructed.

The boy's moved the heavier items while Emily, Melissa and I picked up the lighter items. I could see a plan forming in my mind. Jake, Leah and I had built a raft one summer out of scraps lying around the reservation, Edward was off at basketball practice and Alice was off in Port Angeles shopping with Esme. We'd sailed it down one of the less dangerous creeks that ran through the woods, near the Clearwater property. It hadn't lasted all that far, but it still floated, which would be a bonus at this point.

"Four barrels, some planks, and rope. I've got it. We need really good knots. Was anyone a boy scout?" I asked jokingly.

Garrett slowly raised his hand.

"No way! How did I not know this?" Emily exclaimed.

"I don't know, Em. Why would you not know your boss's boss was a boy scout?" My voice dripped in sarcasm. I so had their number.

"Whatever, are we building this thing? They're way ahead."

I looked over at Edward's team. They had the same idea I did. He caught me staring.

"What's wrong, Swan? You have to read the whole document before you make a move?" He taunted.

I childishly stuck my middle finger up at him. "Yeah, whatever, Cullen, fools rush in, or get wet as the case may be."

We worked tirelessly for half an hour, tying the barrels and planks together. With six people to transport, it was going to be a tight fit but we could do it. There was no way I was letting Edward win.

"Here, Garrett –" I threw him the last length of rope. "- tie the cooler to the raft. Even if we go under, we'll still eat."

I bounced on one corner, checking that the raft was solid. I wasn't losing to Cullen, not if I could help it. Nothing moved so I jumped off. Emily grabbed the paddles while the rest of us carried the raft down to the water. Edward's team was already afloat and preparing to paddle. We climbed aboard, the heaviest sitting in the corners with paddles, while I steered at the back. Before the other team could even get a paddle stroke in, a side of their raft came lose. Shouts filled the air as they scrambled for the shore.

We reached the island so far ahead of the other team, we had time to unpack the cooler and start the portable grill the rafting company had set up. We were gracious winners.

"Wow, Cullen, from all that Bella has told us, I thought this would have been in the bag for you guys. What's up? All that limey contact making you lose your American edge? Pussy." Emily coughed.

Edward bashfully smiled, taking Emily's ribbing in good humor.

"What can I say? We fell apart, literally." He chuckled. "So Bella, how do you like your sausages?"

His chuckle turned into a full on belly laugh at my blush. My thoughts were written across my face.

"Bellarella likes her sausages long, thick and extra meaty," Lauren muttered, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

I could fucking kill her. I had to turn away. Lauren laughed even harder, so I playfully pushed her. But I caught her off guard and she fell backwards onto her butt in the water.

"Can't say you didn't deserve that, Lauren," Emily ribbed. "Hey, Edward, Bella, you guys are joining us for dinner tonight, right?"

"Yeah -" I started.

"Actually, Bella, I was thinking we could have dinner, just us. Maybe we could continue the chat we had the night you cooked fajitas?"

I was stumped. He wanted to spend time with just me. Just the thought made the prospect of dredging up the past a little easier to bear. "Yeah, okay. That sounds good."

The surprised look on his face was almost comical. "Really? Seriously? I expected a fight. Well, I know this little restaurant my parents took us to that does amazing Greek food. Not as good as mine, but it's pretty decent."

I had to laugh at his self-satisfied look. "Okay, Mr. Iron-Chef-wannabe, Greek sounds good."

x-x-x-x

He was right, the restaurant was pretty good. The owner made a fuss over us, thinking we were some new couple in love. Edward teased me for my embarrassing blush, which further encouraged him. Edward's playful teasing was refreshing; a hark back to earlier times. It was as if the last seven years and all the shit surrounding our break-up never happened. We were Edward and Bella; best friends extraordinaire— just two friends, shooting the shit and catching up after being an ocean apart. Except, after watching Edward eat a slice of tiramisu like he was trying to seduce it, I had feelings that were more 'jump your bones' than 'BFF's'.

I felt his fingertips graze mine. While my heart may have been completely bamboozled by what was going on between Edward and me, my subconscious was well up for it. As we idled over dessert, our hands had gravitated across the table until I felt Edward's fingers over mind. When he interlaced his fingers with mine, as the waiter served coffee, I didn't stop him. In fact, it gave me the strength to ask the one question that had been on my mind since the night we camped at my house to work on the Volturi document.

"Edward, what happened…what happened after I left? What did you do after I left Seattle?"

He sat back in his seat, his brow pinching in pain, but he never let go of my hand. Instead, he tightened his grip, cradling it in both his hands like a fragile ornament. "I…um… It wasn't pretty. I kinda went off the rails. Do you know how much tequila it takes to knock you unconscious?" I shook my head. "A lot. Once I finished with the tequila, I moved on to vodka. Then Jack and rum."

I wasn't shocked. We both sought some kind of relief in a bottle. After the fourth or fifth time worshipping the porcelain goddess, I gave up. I didn't find numbness, I just found more pain. "I often wondered what you did that night, after I packed my bags."

"I sat there for a while. I don't know; I was stuck to the spot. I blamed myself so much, Bella. As I sat fermenting in tequila, I came up with so many things I would have changed. When you… when you came home _that_ night, I should have supported you, but I didn't. I just… we just…"

"Drifted apart," I finished for him.

"Yeah. I should have been there for you. I guess we were both drowning, and all I saw was me. All I could see was how much you blamed me…and you were right to."

"Edward, I never –" I started, but he interrupted me.

"Don't, Bella. I learned a long time ago to take responsibility where it's due. Anyway, when I finally came to, so to speak, I ran after you. I had no idea where you went, but I walked the streets for hours. When I came back and saw our half empty closet, I lost it. Three days later, Emmett broke down the front door. Dad was hot on his heels. I'd attempted to drink what was left of our poor-excuse of a booze cabinet…well, all except the Southern Comfort."

My body flinched as the scene he described played in my head. The boy I loved, in so much pain because of me, because of the choices we made. "I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't think…"

His thumb ran a firm stroke over my hand. "We could sit here all night and debate who's to blame for what, but at the end of the day, to use your favorite phrase – it won't change a thing. In the end, I got myself together enough to finish my internship. When mom and dad offered to fund a gap year to Europe, I jumped at it. Charlie wouldn't tell me where you were, and without you there was nothing for me in Seattle. Esme packed up my apartment, but after stopping in London, I never came home. You did though; you came back to Seattle."

"Yeah, I did. I guess I will always be a West coast girl. In Chicago, I threw myself into my MBA and college life. I tried to find solace at the bottom of a bottle, but I couldn't stomach anything but SoCo and it isn't the greatest liquor to use to develop a drinking problem. You get too much of a sugar high before the numbness can kick in."

He chuckled briefly, lifting the black cloud that settled over us. "You still a two shot chump?"

I blushed, remembering the memory that had crept over me that morning. "Yeah well, I'm out of touch with movie-based drinking games, so I would have to say yes, I still can't hold my liquor."

"Were you okay, Bella? After the… I mean… physically and emotionally, were you okay?"

His face looked so pained, I cupped his cheek with my free hand, my fingers trying to smooth out his worry lines. He leaned into my hand, his eyes closing briefly. I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already had, but Edward and I had always been honest with each other. "I wasn't at first. After I left, I was a mess. All I wanted to do was turn around and come back to you, but I couldn't. Not after all the pain, not when I thought you blamed me." I tapped the side of his face softly as he went to argue. "I know now. I know you didn't blame me." I sighed in frustration. "God, if only we had talked back then. Can you imagine what it would be like now? Fuck, I was so stupid, Edward."

He pulled my hand closer to him, placing a kiss on my palm. Suddenly, Romeo and Juliet sprung to mind.

_Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,  
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;  
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,  
__And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss._

"We're talking now. Everything we've held back for so long, we have a chance to discuss it. I know you were reluctant in Forks, but you have to see we have a chance here to start again. To see if we can build something more," Edward pleaded.

_Pft, more!_

It was such a vague word; so many connotations and mixed messages in only a four letter word. As his hand held mine and mine held his face, I was pretty sure that more was beyond friendship – for the both of us. But I needed to be sure; I needed concrete proof that he was all in.

There was a small clink as the waiter set a saucer on the table with our check on top. I looked up and saw the restaurant was empty; chairs up on tables, waiters twiddling thumbs silently begging us to just leave already.

I hung back awkwardly as Edward paid the bill. Things between us seemed…tense. It wasn't the same kind of tense that had plagued us since his arrival; it was the kind of tension that fizzed with an undercurrent of anticipation. I swallowed heavily. I still had to share a bed with Edward. An Edward that slept shirtless and still liked to spoon.

_Fuck my life!_

But a small part of me, that was growing larger with every step we took through Vail's emptying streets, was ecstatic at the thought of waking up in Edward's arms again tomorrow morning. We walked in comfortable silence, that crackle and pop still between us in the air.

"Bella, can I hold your hand?" Edward asked tentatively.

I looked down at where our hands brushed with every arm swing. Without answering, I wove my fingers between his.

_Well, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do. They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair._

As our cabin came into sight, I tried desperately to quell my building nerves. Nothing was going to happen, my rational side knew that, but that didn't mean I didn't want it…whatever _it_ was.

"Do you mind if I take the bathroom first?" he asked as we stood self-consciously in the living room.

Fuck, I really wanted the bathroom to hide in until I managed to calm down. "Sure, I'm just going to…I'm going to get a drink of water." My voice was artificially upbeat, and I was pretty sure Edward knew it too.

I braced myself at the kitchen sink, staring at my disjointed reflection in the stainless steel. Even when I heard him leave the bathroom followed by his footsteps padding into the bedroom, I couldn't make myself turn around.

_Big girl girl panties._ I chanted to myself.

After finishing up my own nighttime ritual, I pulled up my BGP for all they were worth and went into the bedroom. Edward was lying under the covers, shirtless of course.

_Would it kill him to put on a shirt? Give a girl a break here? _

He must have seen my hesitation because he pulled the covers aside on my half of the bed. Silently, I crawled under and turned on my side to face him. Edward turned out the light, plunging the room into darkness. Stripped of one of my senses, the tension increased tenfold. I heard the sheets rustle as Edward slipped himself back under the covers. As my eyes adapted to the blackness, I could make out Edward's face right next to mine. His green eyes flinted in the darkness, only inches from mine. A strong masculine arm circled my waist, scooting his body closer to mine until I was cradled in his hold.

"Goodnight, Bella," he whispered into my hair.

"Goodnight, Edward."

x-x-x-x

I woke to the incessant noise of my phone blaring out 'Highway to Hell'; my usual Monday morning alarm. The bed was cold, though Edward had taken the time to tuck in the comforter around me. As much as the morning wood had freaked me out the morning before, I missed waking up in Edward's arms. It was a dangerous thought to entertain, but after last night, I couldn't bring myself to care. For once I was happy not to overthink things, just to let it be. Overthinking things was exhausting and this morning I was just…happy.

Last night we'd offloaded an incredible burden. My old therapist once told me that fifty percent of my guilt was the unknown repercussions of my actions. I lived with 'what happened' for so long, it became an afterthought to everything I did. Now I knew, now I knew a little of the pain I caused. The repercussion of my departure was that two people walked around for seven long years blaming themselves when no one really was to blame.

I made my way to the kitchen, following the scent of freshly brewed coffee.

Warm hands slid around my waist from behind. My body tensed and then relaxed. It was as if my body had known who it was before my mind. Was I that in tune to his presence? He held me close; his bare chest to my back, his chin in my shoulder.

"Good morning." A shiver shot up my spine. His voice was like melted chocolate; so smooth and thick, heavy with sleep. "You're like a bloodhound; you can smell coffee a mile off."

The things his voice could do to me with just his sound, it'd always been that way but the time, distance and knowledge made it more potent. What was it Tyler used to say?

_Resistance is futile_.

So I gave in. One of my hands uncurled from around the coffee cup and lay on top of his. I felt his body sag against me in relief, his fingers moving to interlace with mine. We stood there together, silent, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I never want to go home," he whispered in my ear. A secret only between the two of us.

It didn't matter if he meant back to Seattle or London. "I don't want you to either."

The challenge to stay, to start anew, hung between us, neither of us ready to say it yet.

Since our return from Vail, just four days prior, we'd hardly spent any of our waking hours apart. We spent time at each other's apartments, though Edward preferred the homeliness of mine, cooking, watching movies or just spending hours chatting over a bottle of wine. We talked like we never had when we were together. The more we talked, the more I realized that when Edward and I had moved to dating back in college, my greatest fear had come true without me even comprehending it.

In the development of our relationship, we had lost our friendship, and with that the brutal honesty of feelings that go with it. Intimacy caused a shift in priorities where not hurting the one you loved was more important than being upfront and truthful. I learned that Edward had often battled with his own insecurities within our relationship. How he'd beat himself up with guilt of how being in a relationship with him deprived me of a 'typical' college experience; frat parties, bed-hopping and the like. I confessed, despite there only being a year between us, I had always felt so young; very much the child in the relationship. Edward tried to dismiss my claim, but after I explained myself, we both marveled at just how little we really talked when we were together. Out of control hormones and a busy college life would do that to a relationship.

_We were curled up on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy. Edward was still as obsessed with medical dramas as he'd always been, and I was drooling over McSteamy, who was still steamy after eight seasons. We were lying along the couch,__ I was lying between Edward's legs, propped on his chest on the couch. __The episode was nearly over, and it was getting late. Edward would be heading home soon, but I still had one question burning a hole in my mind. _

"_Edward?"_

"_Ummm?" he answered contently._

"_Why didn't I hear from you all that time after prom?"_

_I felt him flinch and stiffen before settling back down. "Haven't we been through this before?"_

_I shook my head. I'd only realized I never asked when we together. It'd been a time I'd pushed to the back of my mind, the sting of rejection too painful._

"_Really? Oh…well… You know, college was full-on, and you were finishing up high school. There was no free time."_

_He was lying. I knew it from the waver in his voice. "Bullshit. You found enough time to come and take me to the prom, but you couldn't find enough time after it to pick up a phone? Come on, Edward, I'm a big girl now. I can take it."_

_I felt him take a deep breath and pick up a stray lock of my hair. "After we got back to my parent's house that night, after I walked you to Alice's room, I went downstairs to grab a drink. My dad was there. He was waiting up for Alice, despite the lack of formal curfew. I sat with him as he waited, chatting about prom and where I'd been since it finished. He'd seen me walk in with you and when we were making out on the landing before you went to bed. He was concerned." Edward's voice cracked with the memory. He stopped playing with my hair and reached for my hand. I took it and held it tight._

"_What did he say? I mean, your family always seemed supportive of us being together." I felt almost hurt. Had I been completely misreading the Cullen's all those years? They seemed so happy to see me again when we were in Forks for the wedding._

"_They were, they still are. Carlisle warned me that getting involved with you wouldn't be the wisest choice at that time. You still hadn't decided on a college and he was worried if we decided to pursue something then it might influence your decision. He didn't want you to decide your future based on romance. What would happen if it didn't last? You would be stuck in a college with the memories of a dead relationship and world of regrets."_

"_But…but…" I spluttered angrily. I found it so hurtful that Carlisle would say such a thing behind my back. That the man I considered my second father would try to influence Edward that way._

"_Bella, he didn't mean it. He apologized the next day, saying it was just the musings of a man not ready for all of his kids to be all grown-up, but the damage was done. I thought I would leave you alone until you chose your college. But, by the time you did, I felt it had been too long since I'd picked up the phone, so I never did." He hugged me closer. "I thought about you every day of that year. The photo we had taken at prom was my laptop wallpaper and was framed on my bedside table in the apartment until you moved in, and I put it in the living room."_

"_Now I understand where your insecurities over my college experience came from. God, I just can't believe Carlisle –"_

"_Don't be angry at him, Bella. That's not why I told you. He was just looking out for you. You know the Cullen clan is just a tad overprotective."_

_I laughed. It was a wonder I actually had any boyfriends before Edward, with both Charlie and Carlisle playing Dad._

"_You should have seen him when Alice first brought Jasper home. She'd already informed us that he was 'the one' so dad was already on edge. But this time, he was really bad. It was as if he's taken a page out of the Charlie Swan's guidebook on 'How to Intimidate without Reaching for Your Gun'. Jasper shit himself the first twenty four hours until I sat him down and gave him a talk on what was what. He even had the good sense to ask Carlisle's permission to marry Alice."_

"_I can't wait to meet him. I feel so bad that I –"_

"_Bella, don't," he interrupted. "It's all water under the bridge. Trust me, she's not holding a grudge."_

_We'd dozed in the couch for an hour before Edward reluctantly got up and headed home. I slept on the couch that night, surrounded by his residual warms and scent._

I kicked it into overdrive to get my work finished before the weekend. There was no way I was bringing it home because I would be far too busy. It was going to be far too busy. Unfortunately, I wasn't being very productive. Edward's office was proving very distracting. The wall facing into the rest of the open-plan office was made of glass, and after one too many forward advances by the Eddie's Girls, he had been leaving the blinds fully up. The problem was that, now I could stare pretty much all day. He would look up every now and again and catch me. Instead of calling me out on it, he would flash me a smile and a wink before getting back to work.

"Wow, you two aren't subtle are you?" Emily chuckled and she dropped herself into the seat in front of my desk.

"What do you mean? Edward and I? Jesus, Em, for the last time, there isn't anything going on."

"Bullshit," She coughed into her hand with a smile. "Seriously, Boss, do you think we don't see it? The sly touches in the kitchen when you are getting coffee, which you both happen to go for at the same time. The googly eyes you make at each other in meetings. So was he as good as you remembered?" Emily teased, wiggling her eyebrows at me.

"Geez, Emily, we didn't do _it_." I wanted to crawl under my desk in mortification. "God, does everyone know?" I dropped my hands into my hands.

"Chill, Boss, no one really cares. I mean, Lauren and I see it because, well, we know there was something to look for. Las thinks it's fucking hilarious that Edward keeps asking her if she knows your schedule. Garrett knows because of the bomb you dropped in the conference room that first day. Oh, and his female fan club are still trying to bribe me for information on what exactly is going on between you two. So, okay, most of the office does care. I think Steve in Accounts is the only one who doesn't give a shit about what you and Edward are doing."

Fuck, I'd made so much effort over the years to keep my work and home life separate, but Edward was blurring the lines to the point that they didn't exist anymore.

"So, no, you know…" She made a crude gesture. I shook my head, slightly despondent. "Wow! Lauren and I are seriously considering patenting the UST between you and Edward as a renewable energy source. You guys could light up LA. Seriously, think of the tax break, Bella!"

I huffed. She was right. It was pathetic. What the hell was stopping us?

"What are you going to do about it?"

"Something! I need to do something before Bob gives out on me from overuse." I looked up to find the object of our conversation leaving his office. "Oh fuck, oh fuck, he's heading this way."

Emily stifled a laugh, "I've never seen this side of you, Bella. You're all knotted up over a guy. Not just any guy; your super-hot ex-boyfriend."

"For fuck's sake, Em, he's not… Hi, Edward. How'd your afternoon go?"

"I don't know, Swan, you tell me," he smiled jokingly. "I'm going to pick up Alice and Jasper now. Car keys?"

I rummaged around in my bag and pulled out my spare set. "Go easy with my baby, Edward. She means a lot to me."

"You know I always treat you with the utmost care and respect."

I think my heart swooned. He was so good. "So, you'll be over around seven?"

"Yep, you still okay to cook?"

"Of course." I watched Emily's head bat back and forth like she was watching a tennis match. Time to put a stop to this. "I still have work to finish, but I'll call you later," I said, effectively dismissing him.

Edward waved goodbye as he left my office.

"Yeah sure, going on there at all."

I could hear Emily laughing all the way back to her desk. And I had yet to add Alice to the mix. Great. It was going to be a long weekend.

* * *

***Lets out a sigh* FINALLY we're getting somewhere! They TALKED...and shared a bed! Oh, yeah!**

**This update is for Kikki, who begged me to update!**

**Big thanks to one of eddies girls, Jmolly, Malloryknoxx and Kibby for most awesome pre-reading and beta skills.**

**Thanks to all of you too. Sorry for the epic review reply fail. Thank you so much for all the well wishes, and 'get well soons' so . My shoulder is out of a sling and i am back to two hand typing. I'm addicted to the smell of IcyHeat and keep sniffing my shoulder! So i need to get back on track to it will be two weeks until the next update so i can get it all caught up. That should be the last delay until we're back on track!**


	13. Let Me Crumble

**You can thank the French countryside for the ending of this chapter. I finally found my ending as the Eurostar took me from a wonderful week in Paris to a liver-abusing week in London.**

**Chapter Thirteen – Let Me Crumble**

_And the arms of the ocean are carrying me, _

_And all this devotion was rushing out of me, _

_And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me, _

_The arms of the ocean deliver me. _

_And it's over, And I'm going under, _

_But I'm not giving up! I'm just giving in._

_**Never Let Me Go - Florence and the Machine**_

I smoothed down the afghan that draped over one arm of the sofa. It was already as smooth as an army cadet's bed. I'd run the lint roller over every surface I possibly could, and Ginger was shut-up in my bedroom, just in case.

Edward had texted ten minutes ago to tell me that they were leaving his apartment and would be here soon. Any minute now, Alice Cullen, now Whitlock, would be coming through my front door. Despite Edward's reassurance and her more than enthusiastic response to hearing from me, I was nervous as hell. My phone pinged, causing me to jump.

**We're coming up now**

I paced backwards and forwards, checking myself in the mirror with every pass until the buzzer sounded. My hand shook slightly as I drew the lock open. Edward stood at the front, partially blocking the two people behind him. He offered me an encouraging smile. I knew he'd already had a word with Alice to tone it down a bit, at least at first.

"Come in," I motioned.

A blond-haired man, Jasper I assumed, followed Edward. He was just as tall as Edward with the most unusual grey eyes I'd ever seen. He gave me a friendly nod hello before stepping into my apartment. Behind him was Alice. A breath caught in my throat as she stepped forward. It was as if it'd been only yesterday since we'd last seen each other. She hadn't changed that much, well not as much as I had imagined. Her face had lost its youthful roundness, and once long, straight hair was short and artfully spiked. We stood there, just looking at each other, when I realized the biggest change of all. Alice was pregnant. The knit dress she was wearing clung to a small, but obvious, bump. Tears brewed in my eyes and I felt the familiar sense of loss sweep over me. The same feeling I felt every time I saw a pregnant woman or held a baby. Locking the harrowing memories away, I drew myself up and rushed over to hug Alice, carefully avoiding her stomach. She clung back just as tightly and I finally let the tears go.

"Oh, Bella," she whispered.

When the tears finally started to fall, I pulled away, keeping Alice's hands in mine. We stood there, smiling at each other, a silent conversation of regrets and joy at seeing each other again.

"Y'all okay?" Alice's husband asked.

Alice and I laughed and wiped away our tears.

"Sorry, where are my manners? Bella, this is my husband, Jasper. Jasper, this is…"

"Sweetpea, Bella needs no introduction." He turned to me and winked. "I've heard all about you for the last two weeks. I'm so glad to finally meet you."

I blushed. If this guy didn't have a wedding ring, I'd have jumped him on the spot for his accent alone. All thoughts flew out of my head, and I couldn't help but stare. He and Alice would make beautiful babies. Finally, pulling myself out his bedazzlement, I managed to stick out my hand.

"I'm afraid to say, I haven't heard much about you in return, Jasper."

He looked at my hand and gave me a wry smile before pulling me in for a hug. "No handshakes, Bella. From what Alice tells me, you were one of the family, and where I'm from, we hug family."

He pulled me in close and hugged me tight. I was filled with a sense of peace; a calm that made my nerves melt.

I stood back and immediately Edward was by my side, his hand on the small of my back. Part of me was alarmed at the reassurance that flooded me, but I decided to embrace it. I was still scared witless that Alice would be angry with me, especially if she ever learned why Edward and I split up in the first place. I motioned for them to sit. Silence descended on the room. It wasn't awkward per say, but charged. I could literally see Alice vibrating.

She huffed out a sigh, "I'm sorry, Jazz, I can't do it." She looked at him apologetically before turning to me. I was scared. "Bella…where have you been? How long have you been in Seattle? I mean, I knew you moved to Chicago, but the wedding invitation was returned, so I didn't know where you went next. I tried to ask Charlie, more than once, and he wouldn't tell me. I know you went to Forks, did you see mom and dad? God, mom would have been peeing herself in anticipation. Oh and work! What do you do at MacKenzie Brown? It's just so weird that you ended up at the same company as Edward, just different offices. I mean it's like fate or something, and –"

"Ali!" Edward growled. "Jesus, slow the fuck down, would you. Poor Bella." He turned to me. "You okay?"

I sat there dazed a few seconds. This was so unreal. A laugh bubbled up in my throat before I could stop it. "Fuck me, Alice, you haven't changed one bit." I continued to laugh, tears streaming down my face.

Edward relaxed beside me when he realized that Alice hadn't completely scared the fuck out of me. "Do you want me to finish dinner?" I nodded. Edward turned to Jasper. "Hey, bro, want to grab a beer and leave these two to catch-up?"

As soon as Jasper and Edward went through to the kitchen, Alice moved to sit beside me and took my hand in hers. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears.

"I can't believe I'm here with you. I thought for so long that I wouldn't ever see you again. I just…" she smiled sadly at me.

"I'm so sorry, Alice. I should of… God, I could fill a whole day with 'shoulda, coulda, wouldas'. When I left I didn't think… I mean I just wanted to save you all the pain of our break-up, and Edward would've needed you, not some loyalty battle in the family." I stopped, realizing I was making no sense whatsoever.

"Bella, what the fuck happened? One minute you were there and the next I was getting frantic phone calls from Edward saying he had done something terrible, that it was all his fault, and you'd left him."

"We just… It…" God, how did I explain this? "I just…" my eyes pleaded with her to understand. I wasn't ready yet.

Alice drew back from me, and I thought it was in offense. Instead, she leaned back in and laid her hand on mine. "I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't mean for you to feel like you were facing the Spanish inquisition. Let's do this properly. What have you been doing for seven years?"

My body physically sagged in relief at being let off the hook. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell her. Edward and I were just starting to talk things through and he deserved to have first dibs on all confessions from me. Plus, he obviously hadn't told his family anything, and he warranted a say in what and if we told people the full story about our break-up.

As Alice and I sat, catching up and swapping stories, the one with Jasper skinny-dipping was a classic, one phrase spun around in my head. It tumbled and built until it was all I could hear roaring in my ears.

_He had done something terrible._

"I'm sorry, Alice, I just need a moment."

I blindly stood up and staggered towards my room, trying to act as naturally as I could as I passed by the kitchen where the boys were.

What was all his fault? What had been so terrible? My thoughts overwhelmed me, and I sat down on my bed with a thud. The bedroom door creaked open just a crack.

"Bella?" Edward's voice was unsure. "Bella, are you in here?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Are you okay? Alice sent me to look for you."

"I… I…" Fuck, what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I get my words out? "Why didn't you tell me she was pregnant?" It was the first thought that I could actually make sense of.

"What? It just…" he trailed off, his eyes wide in realization. "Oh God, Bella, I just didn't think." His eyes flit between my face and my lower torso. "The novelty of Alice's pregnancy wore off with the in-depth details of her morning sickness. I honestly never thought…"

My world began to swim. We'd never talked about this over seven years ago, never mind now when were just trying to work everything out. He's never once brought up the baby since the day I came home from the hospital.

_I heard the keys rattle in the door. Dread filled me. My leg bounced with nerves, and my stomach felt like lead had settled in it. The door opened with a small squeak. I'd been after Edward to oil that hinge for weeks, but he'd been too busy with the end of his Master's to do anything but eat, study and sleep._

_The door slammed shut, so I lifted myself off our bed, my diary falling off my lap and onto the floor. My footsteps were heavy as I walked down the hall towards the open plan living room and kitchen of our apartment. Edward had his head in the fridge. I guess he was in the 'eat' portion of his day._

"_Edward," I said, my voice quiet. "Edward!" I tried, a little louder._

_He drew back from the fridge with various condiments in his hands._

"_Bella, I didn't realize you were home. Why are you back from class so early?"_

"_I never went in today." _

_He placed the things in his hands onto the bench top and came towards me. Concern was written all over his face. His gaze swept over me, his hands reaching as if to check for injuries._

"_Are you okay? Why didn't you go?"_

_I took a deep breath. "I'm late."_

_His brow furrowed further. "Bella, you're more than late, you've missed your class all together. Are you going to make your last one?"_

"_No, that's not what I mean. I'm _late_." I couldn't process my thoughts to get my words out straight._

"_You're late? What do you mean you're...?" It was almost comedy watching his face as it changed from confusion right through to understanding. "You're late. As in–" He made circle motions at my stomach with his hands._

"_Yeah, as in my period is late."_

"_How late?"_

"_Two weeks," I muttered. _

_I could see Edward was barely holding on. He seemed to go into shock. His face paled, and he stood motionless. _

"_Edward? Edward?" I shouted. I was just about to shake him when he seemed to come to._

"_You're late? Two weeks late? How?"_

_Dear God, it was like explaining how to tie shoe laces to a four-year old._

"_Really? Your dad's a doctor. I don't know what happened. I thought it was just stress with finals but there's other stuff too. I'm so tired all of the time, and –"_

"_You've been up late studying. We both have." His voice was almost pleading._

"_It's different, Edward. My breasts are sore, and I've been feeling sick the last week or so."_

_Edward sank back on the couch, his head in his hands. I could feel the bile creeping up my throat. I'd never been as scared as I was right now. Just two weeks ago we'd been back to Forks for spring break. Edward's parents and Charlie had been full of talk of what we were doing after college. Edward was going to start a job with a boutique investment firm in the city, and I was going to stay in Seattle to do my MBA. Carlisle had changed his tune about his regrets that Edward had chosen UDub and not Dartmouth. _

_My five-year plan was on track. This wasn't in the five-year plan. This wasn't even in the ten-year plan. This wasn't in the fucking plan at all._

"_Do you know? I mean…have you taken a test?" Edward's hands were clutched in his hair. He wasn't just tense; he was out of his mind with stress._

"_No, not yet. I didn't… I don't… I only just worked it out."_

"_But you said you've been feeling sick for a week."_

"_I didn't think. It wasn't until Maggie mentioned that it's trivia night tomorrow that I realized I hadn't had my period yet."_

"_Well, that's what we'll do - we'll get a test. It could be a false alarm, right?"_

_I nodded my head weakly. I'd lied. Deep down I knew what the test would say, but Edward was one confession away from a nervous breakdown. _

"_I'll go to the drug store and get one."_

"_No, I'll go. You stay here and drink lots of water," he said walking to the kitchen. He pulled out a glass and poured some water from the filter jug. "There's a twenty-four hour pharmacy on the corner, I'll go there."_

_I couldn't do anything but nod numbly. I was starting to freak the fuck out. My brain was starting to play games of 'what if…?' It felt like Edward had been gone for hours. In fact, it'd only been ten minutes, and I had managed to drink three glasses of water. I was desperate to pee. Finally, the front door squeaked open. Edward was carrying a plastic bag and it looked full. What the hell had he been buying? It obviously wasn't tampons, and we were way beyond the need for condoms – talk about closing the barn door after the horse had bolted._

"_What did you do, Edward? Buy out the store?" I pulled seven boxes, all pregnancy tests. Some had a single test, others had two. _

"_The more tests, the better the odds of them being correct."_

"_I don't have this much pee in me." I grabbed two of the boxes and headed for the bathroom._

_Edward, sensibly, didn't follow me. My hands shook as I pulled each of the tests out; three in total. I grabbed a glass off the counter and read the back of the boxes carefully. They all were the same; dip mid-stream, wait for three minutes and then look for pink lines, or a cross, or even the word. So I peed into the clean glass and started to dip. The three sticks mocked me as a watched my phone count down the time for me. I could hear Edward pacing outside the door. I was glad he was outside, but wished that he was in the room with me in equal measure. _

_Finally, the beep of my phone rang out. I approached the sink, my body shaking, cold and ready to throw up at the slightest movement. Looking down, the result was pretty obvious._

_I walked back to the living room, the three sticks in my hand. _

"_Well?"_

_I couldn't bring myself to say it._

"_Positive," he muttered, unable to meet my eyes. "How? I mean, these things give false positives, right?"_

Edward and I stood in my bedroom in silence. His pained expression broke my heart.

"It's okay, Edward," I gave him a smile of false bravado. "It was so long ago, why should you think that I would still be upset?"

"Bella…" he implored. "It doesn't matter how long ago it was, you're still allowed to be upset over it."

I felt a tear slip down my cheek. Edward gave me a soft smile before pulling me to him. My hands clasped his t-shirt as I buried my face into his chest. Edward's hand on the back of my neck held me to him, his thumb rubbing comforting circles on my skin.

"I still think about it, too."

I glanced up into his sincere eyes, "Do you?"

"Sure. A friend of mine became a dad last year, and I went to the christening. Watching Garry playing the proud dad, I wondered if that could have ever been us, you know if we'd… I've got very few regrets, Bella, but how I reacted is one of my biggest."

"Edward-"

"Don't make excuses for me, Bella," his voice was firm, laced with shame.

_I stared at him, not knowing who this man in front of me was? Where was my clear-headed, grounded Edward who had been a rock through some of the worse times in my life?_

"_I need to go to the doctor, I think. I mean, that's what you do, right? There are blood tests they can do."_

_His face brightened. "Yeah, they do. They are a hundred per cent accurate. It'll tell us it's a false alarm."_

_Only the seriousness of the situation kept me from bursting out laughing at Edward's delusional ramble._

"_Here," he handed me my cell phone. "Make an appointment at the clinic."_

_Luckily, they could fit me in the next morning. It meant missing my Project Management prep class, but this was more important. Edward didn't have any classes until noon, so he could come too._

_x-x-x-x_

_I looked at my watch again; Edward was late. If I didn't go in soon, I was going to miss my appointment altogether. Instead of waiting any longer, I went inside to the small reception. When the doctor called my name, I followed her as if I was being lead to my execution._

"_So what can I do for you, Isabella?" she asked, her voice monotone and almost bored._

"_I… I think I'm pregnant," I whispered. It was the first time that I'd said the p-word and it was all too real now._

_The doctor's face softened. I'm pretty sure I wasn't the first student to walk through her door who suspected she'd been knocked up._

"_What makes you think you could be pregnant?"_

"_The three home-tests with pink positive signs," I muttered in a false sense of humor._

_Sympathy filled her face. "Well, they're pretty accurate these days, but let's do a blood test just in case."_

_I sat numbly as the doctor drew two vials from me and told me to come back in an hour for the results. Edward's phone rang out and my text messages went unanswered. Where the fuck was he? He should have been here. Tears ran down my face, dropping into my cold, neglected coffee. I'd never felt so alone and scared than I did right then. Going to the doctors was just a formality; my body had already told me what I needed to know. Finally, the hour was up, and I made way back to the doctor._

"_Well, Isabella, it's as expected. You're pregnant. The levels of hCG, that's the pregnancy hormone __human chorionic gonadotropin, tell us you are around eight weeks. Would that make sense?"_

_Make sense? Nothing about this was making sense. We'd been careful, regimentally so. I even had an alarm on my phone every day to remind me to take my pill. "I don't understand. We're so careful."_

"_Nothing is infallible, Isabella. The pill is only about ninety-eight per cent foolproof, so there's a margin of chance for pregnancy. Do you use condoms as well?" I shook my head. Edward had always hated the feel of them. "Are you in a relationship with the father?" I nodded. "Then go home and talk this through with him. You have options, Isabella. Don't forget that. Here-"_

_She handed me a script. "What's this?"_

"_It's for prenatal vitamins. No matter what you decide to do, it's important we keep you healthy. Take these, eat a balanced diet, and try to get some rest where you can. You're going to be tired for a while yet. Also, try and book yourself in with an OBGYN for a scan, so you can get a precise reading on how far along you are. Here's my number and the number of the center councilor, if you want to talk to someone about any of this."_

_I took the card with a shaky hand._

"_I know this isn't good news, but it's not the end of the world."_

_I held by a sarcastic laugh. It was the end of the world as far as I could see it. Edward and I were still in college for goodness sake. We couldn't have a baby now. In the future, yes, but not now._

_x-x-x-x_

_When I got home, Edward wasn't there. I still felt the numbness in my bones from the doctor's visit, and the advice leaflets at the bottom of my bag weren't helping any. I sat in the silence of our condo, listening to the clock tick by hour after hour. Still no Edward. When I felt the coldness seep into me, I pulled my stiff, tired body to the bathroom and ran a bath. The warm water relaxed my tense muscles and the tears came. Even though I knew there was no physical sign, my hands lay protectively over my stomach. I cried for the decisions we would have to make and for life in me that was unexpected and unwanted. But most of all, I cried at the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and being alone._

_It wasn't until late into the night, as I lay in our bed staring at the ceiling, that I heard Edward come in. He staggered around in an attempt to be quiet, but it was obvious he was drunk._

"_Where were you today, Edward?" I asked, my voice low and even._

_He stopped dead, not expecting me to still be awake. His eyes were full of fear. "I, um… I had class," he slurred._

"_No, you didn't. Your first class wasn't until noon. You said you would come to the doctors with me. Where were you?" I asked again. "And, don't lie."_

"_I… I went for a drive. I just… I wasn't ready," he whispered but it stirred my ire even more._

"You _weren't ready? And you think I was? Do you think I wanted to sit in that room all by myself while the doctor explained our options to me? Fuck, Edward, I needed you."_

_His head flew up. "Options? So, it was… positive?"_

"_Yes, it was positive. Jesus, I know it's possible to live in a state of denial, but surely three positive pregnancy tests are a foregone conclusion." __My earlier feelings of hurt were resurfacing as anger__and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was angry. Angry at the at the man I loved for not being there with me. _

_The news seemed to sober him up pretty quickly. He swayed less on his feet and managed to look me in the eye instead of his gaze darting around the room. "A baby?" _

_First the p-word and now the b-word. This was so very real. "Yes, a baby," I muttered, getting impatient. "Which you would've known already if you'd been there."_

"_We can't have a baby, Bella. We're too young. What about my job? What about college for you? If we have a baby, you'll have to drop out. The internship won't pay enough, so I'll have to give it up and find a proper paying job. Who is going to employ a college graduate who can't commit to long hours?"_

_His voice was frantic, and he was scaring me more. All I wanted was for him to hold me, tell me it was all going to be okay, even if it wasn't. But his next words pulled me up short, and my anger returned._

"_The doctor said you have options, right?"_

_I have options? _I _have options. Didn't he mean _we _have options?_

"_I can't have a baby, Bella. It'll ruin everything I've worked so hard for."_

_I snapped. "All I hear is me, me, me. This isn't just affecting you, Edward. What about me? What about _us_? What about our families?"_

"_I meant us, Bella. It's our problem."_

_Problem! I stopped myself from shouting. If I kept going, I was going to say something I would forever regret._

"_Just get out, Edward. There is a comforter and pillows on the bed in the guest room." I laid back into bed and turned off the bedside light, not even bothering to check if he'd left._

The memory stirred my ire. My fists clenched at my side. Feelings that I'd had buried, unresolved, came flooding back. I spun on my heel to face him. "Yeah, you're right. I'm always making excuses for you. I made them seven years ago, and I'm still making them now." Edward hung his head in shame while his hand ran through his hair. It was a sure sign that he was anxious. He wanted to talk, then we were going to fucking talk.

"You weren't there. You just up and fucking abandoned me. Even before we found out I was pregnant, you were distant. I thought you were just stressed, but no. You were so caught up in your own feelings that you never once stopped to think of me. Did you ever think about how stressed I was with my thesis or how freaked out I was about being pregnant? Well, did you?"

He looked up at me, remorse written across his face. God, I really want to think he was sorry, but I'd been burned before. "I know I didn't, but I was scared."

I threw my hands up in disbelief. "And I wasn't? I needed you and you weren't there. Do you know how many times I lay in our cold bed, just wishing you were there to put your arms around me? Hell, I would've settled for you just being there at all. You were off, God knows where, getting drunk and doing who-knows-what with-"I stopped.

Tears tracked down his face, his body heaving with silent sobs. "I know I was an arsehole. I was young, immature and so fucking caught up in my own head. I should've been there for you. I should've seen how it was all affecting you. I'm so sorry. I wish I could change things, but I can't. I can only try and make up for it now." He sniffed and tried to dry his tears with the back of his hand, but more kept coming. "Can you forgive me?"

I stood there, my chest heaving with the outpouring of so many unsettled issues. Edward was obviously dealing with the whole pregnancy as well as I was. All bottled up and nowhere to go. I stepped forward and gingerly placed my arms around him. His body stiffened and for a split second, I thought he might pull away from me. Instead, his body relaxed around mine, cradling me to him.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered as a chant into my hair. If it wasn't for the silence of the room, I wouldn't have heard him and I don't think I was meant to either.

I don't know how long we stood there with my arms around his waist. A knock at the door brought us back to the present, and Alice's face appeared in the opening.

"Are you guys okay in here?" Her soft smile graced her face at our close position.

"We're fine, Alice. We'll be out in just a minute," said Edward softly, his voice cracking with emotion and shed tears.

"Why don't you go and call a cab? The reservation is for seven-thirty, so we need to leave soon."

"Sure. Are you okay?" She looked at both of us, her brow furrowing in concern.

I nodded as Edward's back was to the door and she couldn't see his response. Edward slowly let me go, and he walked towards the door while keeping his head low so Alice wouldn't see his tear-stained face. Alice distracted herself with my closet to give us a private moment. It seemed so unreal that she was standing in my bedroom after all this time. I came up behind her, watching as she thumbed through my clothes. My arms slid around her shoulders, and I pulled her to me.

"I've missed you so much. I promise to be a better friend, Ali," I sighed.

"Bella, I've missed you so much too. I'm just glad your back. We both are."

x-x-x-x

Edward had booked us into my favorite restaurant - a treat to celebrate my birthday. Alice and I actually had lots of girly things planned for the next day as a post-celebration, but Edward wanted to do something to mark the actual day. Dinner passed with no emotional drama. Luckily, the menu had lots of things Alice could eat, and she was happy drinking apple juice while we worked our way through two bottles of wine. Jasper, though laid back and quite mellow, soon came out of his shell and was regaling us with stories of his childhood in Texas with his three cowboy brothers. I sat there dreamily listening to Jasper and his ever deepening southern drawl until Edward pinched my thigh.

"Stop making doe-eyes at my brother-in-law, I might develop a complex," he chuckled.

I sat up and started to pay attention to the conversation, but Edward's hand never moved from my leg. A warmth, that had little to do with the copious wine I'd consumed, flooded through me. Instead of overthinking, I embraced my new ethos and decided just to go with it.

We finally decided to make a move when we caught the wait staff hanging around, jackets on, just waiting for us to leave. Alice, who'd no problem informing us she was over the spewy stage, and had bags of energy and wasn't ready to end the night. So we jumped into a cab to Eclipse. I knew it was a bad idea when we pulled up. The queue was already long, and I knew we would never be able to grab one of the booths.

"Did you think it would be this busy," Alice whined.

I felt like a crap host even though technically Edward was really the host. We stood hopelessly on the street after the cab pulled away. What was plan B? "I didn't really think about it."

Suddenly, Alice perked up. "Don't worry, Bellarella, I've got an idea."

Before anyone could stop her, Alice flitted up to a bouncer that was built like a brick shithouse and chatted with him for a moment, pointing occasionally in my direction. Eventually she came back to us with a big smile on her face.

"Hey, Bella, can I borrow your ID for a minute?"

I pull my driver's license from my purse. "Alice, you look nothing like me. They're going to know."

She flashes me a smile that says you're 'special' before going back to the bouncer. Seconds later we're being waved into the club. I hurry quickly, pulling Edward behind me, just in case the bouncer changes his mind. We're waved past the door cover and straight into a roped off area with views of the dance floor. Edward pulled away from me briefly to hand a waiting waitress a card and whisper a few words to her before pulling me close again, so I was tucked into his chest.

"What's going on, Edward?"

"Alice got us into the VIP area because it's your birthday."

"What did she say to do that?" I was wary. Eclipse was one of the more exclusive clubs in Seattle. You got in relatively easily if you had contacts or you had to queue outside with everyone else. One time, we'd waited in line for an hour to hear some DJ that Emily wanted to see.

"I think it's best if neither of us know the answer to that question. Alice works in mysterious ways."

A round of drinks, including a mojito for me, were laid out in front of us, and we sat back to watch the crowd. Angela joined us at some hazy point not long after we arrived. Girly squeals and the usual 'it's been so long' banter was swapped. Angela was now out in the main area of the bar catching up with some other friends while Alice and Jasper curled up together on the love seat in a similar position to me and Edward. I smiled to myself. This felt right. I felt like this is how it should've been all along. The seven years of having them all absent in my life melted away like a bad dream in the morning.

Edward's phone had been buzzing all night with rejected calls and voice mails. He'd huffed angrily but never answered it. It buzzed again on the table. He snatched it up before I'd a chance to see the name on the screen. A lead weight settled in my stomach. Was it more non-business interruptions from London?

I ran my fingers over the frown lines between his eyes. "Switch it off, honey."

He smiled at the nickname that slipped out of my mouth and did as I asked.

"Are you enjoying yourself?"

I smiled lazily up at him. The warm glow of his arms around me and the insane mixture of rum and wine made me feel beyond content.

"It's perfect. I couldn't be happier than I am right now. When I turned twenty-eight, I never imagined my next birthday would be like this; you and Alice here, helping me celebrate. It's more than I could have wished for."

"I managed to control Alice a little. She wanted birthday cakes with sparklers and a table for presents."

I cringed. I preferred my birthday to pass unmarked, but this was a happy compromise, especially if Edward's hands kept wandering my body the way they currently were. We were both more than a little loose from the alcohol and his lips would occasionally brush my head or my temple. It was bliss.

"Can you let me up for a minute, baby?" He gestured in the direction of the bathrooms.

I uncurled myself from around him and watched him stride away. Lust and longing filled my core, remembering what that well-toned body could do to me and fantasizing about what more it could do to me nowadays.

I went up to the small bar to order another round while Edward was gone. Alice and Jasper were on the dance floor somewhere, so I just watched the crowd.

"A pretty girl like you shouldn't be standing alone," said a low voice beside my ear. I squealed in shock, spinning around to face the mystery voice. The owner stood right beside me, leaning on the bar all self-assured. Even my alcohol-addled brain could see he was attractive; tall with blonde hair tied back and blue eyes that reminded me of icebergs on some Nat Geo cover. His attractiveness was waylaid by his cocky stance and smug smile. This guy thought he was the dog's balls. He knew what he wanted and thought he could get it.

"I'm not alone actually. My… um… he'll be back in a minute."

"Well, that was his mistake. If I was with you tonight, there'd be no way in hell I'd be letting you out of my sight."

I managed to stifle down the laugh that was creeping up my throat. Did this guy seriously think these lines worked? "Well, I'm not with you, I'm with him."

I watched the stranger blanch as his gaze moved to over my shoulder. A hand gripped my upper arm and pulled. Not hard enough to hurt but enough to pull me away.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Edward moved to stand between me the guy at the bar.

My head flipped up, thinking he was talking to me, but instead he was shooting daggers at the guy. I pulled on his arm to get his attention.

"Calm down, Edward, he was just buying me a drink."

Edward completely ignored me, focusing in on the douche bag. "I asked you, what do you think you are doing?"

"I was just buying the little lady a drink. No harm, no foul."

"Yeah, well, as she told you, she's not with you, she's with me."

The douche gave me a snide smile. "Maybe you should keep your woman on a leash."

I caught Edward's arm as he stepped forward to swing at the guy. As much as he deserved it, I didn't want the night out to end with Edward sitting in a jail cell. My dad would not be impressed if it ever came to light.

"Don't, Edward, he's not worth it."

"Yeah, listen to her. Don't start something you can't finish."

_Did this guy have a death wish? _

"You're not worth it, so why don't you just fuck off?"

The douche waivered. He was enjoying being the big 'I am' but, as he sized Edward up, he knew it was a fight he might not win.

"Whatever. She isn't worth it."

Edward let him walk away, but I could feel his barely restrained need to run after the guy – to play my knight in shining armor. I pulled Edward around to face me. "You didn't need to do that. He was harmless."

"Harmless? How would you know? How do you know he didn't slip something into the drink he bought you?"

I had to smirk. This was too good to pass up. "Actually, that's the JD and coke that I bought you. He didn't get to buying me a drink. You came riding in on your big white steed before he could get that far."

Edward ran his hand over the back of his neck and flashed me a sheepish grin. "God, Bella, I don't know what came over me. I just…I just saw him standing so close to you and flipped. I just…"

I took him by the hand and led him to a dark corridor off the VIP lounge. Pushing him gently, using my body to pin his to the wall, forcing his sorry eyes to look at me. The alcohol had made me bold. I was done skirting whatever was growing between us.

"Can't you see it, Edward? Can't you see what's happening?" His hands moved to rest lightly on my hips, and I couldn't help but give a small smile. "Because I see it, I really do. I don't know what it is but I want it," I offered. "God, all I've thought about is you. Not the you I used to know, but this wonderful, strong man you've become."

My hand brushed his cheek down to his jaw. His eyes closed as we both savored sensation after seven years of absence. While I hadn't been a nun since I'd left Edward, no other person's touch felt the way his did. I didn't stop at his jawline, stroking my hand by his ear and around to the back his neck. He let out a small moan, and his hands tightened their grip on my hips. The only light came from an overhead emergency exit sign. His eyes were almost black - feral and glazed. Edward pulled me hard against him. Even the layers of his clothing couldn't hide his sculptured body underneath. Our chests heaved, matching breath for breath.

"For God's sake, Edward, kiss me."

The harsh white light shifted across his face, and I caught his indecision. I stood up on my toes and took what I wanted. His lips were soft and warm. He tasted slightly of the Jack Daniels he had been drinking earlier. I pulled back from the quick kiss, but he took a sharp breath before kissing me back. The kiss deepened as I arched against him, needing to be so much closer. The passion that'd been between us all those years ago was still there, made stronger by loss and distance.

I gasped as our hips met. There was no mistaking how much he wanted me. At the noise, Edward froze even as I still tried to kiss him. His hands, previously pulling me to him, pushed me away and moved to my arms to hold me at a distance.

"What's wrong?" I asked. My breath hitched as I looked up and saw the regret clearly on his face.

"We shouldn't be doing this, Bella. Not like this."

Shock resonated through me. Had we both just been in that kiss? Didn't we both feel just how right it was? My shock faded, leaving behind only rejection and hurt. I wrenched myself from his grip and leaned against the other wall of the hallway. My legs were barely holding me up.

He saw my retreat. "That's not what I meant. We're both drunk and don't know what we're doing. We said we would try and do this right – that we would try being friends. I just think we should… I don't know… slow this down. I don't want to push this with you."

I could feel all the walls that I'd let down slowly rebuild around me. I took a deep breath and let the wall fortify me. "Oh, I get it, Edward, don't worry." My voice was low and level, but I knew he could hear me above the noise of the club by the widening of his eyes in surprise. "You're right," I lied. "We'd said we'd be friends. This-" I motioned between us, "-is completely my fault. I was always bad at reading the signs." I pushed myself off the wall, praying my legs would hold me. "Don't worry," I repeated. "I get it now. Friends, right?"

I turned and started to walk away from him, feeling my heart splintering all over again. How many times would I let this man hurt me? How could I have been so stupid?

"I didn't mean-" he cut off. "Bella, wait! Let me explain?"

My walls held my head up as inside I crumbled. "Friends, Edward," I threw him over my shoulder as I continued to walk away.

Friends.

* * *

**DON'T HATE ME...please? We're getting there, i promise. So much happened in this chapter - we got Alice back, we get a clue as to what happened to Bella and Edward and Bella finally 'mans-up'. I'm expecting some Edward bashing and maybe a little author bashing so let me have it!****What do you think?**

******Thanks as always to the girls - JMolly, Malloryknoxx, oneofeddiesgirls, and Kibby. You guys really worked me over with the next few chapters and i love you for it!  
**

******I'll update again on the 22nd before a two week break for the holidays. See ya soon.  
**


	14. Everythings Going So Well

**WARNING**: **This chapter contains scenes dealing sensitive issues that may cause distress. While I understand that every woman deals with these issues differently, I have tried to be sensitive and respectful with my story line. This chapter is partly based on my own experiences, so please do not flame if you don't agree with aspects of the chapter.**

_And I am done with my graceless heart  
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart  
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn_

_** Shake it Out - Florence and the Machine**_

* * *

******Chapter Fourteen – Everything's Going So Well**

I felt the tears creep into my eyes – a stinging, but welcome, pain. I used it to steel myself. I straightened my back and kept my head up. My forceful, confident stride hid the tremble in my body at what I'd done.

_Stupid, stupid Bella._

I saw Alice and Jasper still sitting at our table, and Angela was back with them. No matter how much of a front I put on, I wasn't ready to face them yet. A bass-thumping R&B song was playing, it's beat matching the self-loathing that was throbbing in my veins. So I joined the mass of people on the dance floor, losing myself in their heat and facelessness. It wasn't long before I felt strange arms around me, a hard body against me, moving to the beat. Someone who hadn't seen my face but wanted to feel me anyway. We danced, chest to back, hands roaming freely. A small part of me knew how inappropriate it was, but I just didn't care enough to stop it. I let myself go numb.

My descent into detachment was stalled by someone pulling me clean away from the crowd.

"What the fuck are you doing, Bella?" Edward yelled.

I glanced up. He was furious, and that made me happy.

"Hey, man, what's going on? I was just dancing with the lady," the nameless face complained.

"Get lost," he muttered without looking away from me.

I drunkenly smiled. "It's called dancing, Edward. You know, where two people move their feet from side to side."

"That wasn't dancing," he spat. "That was fornication in public. You were dancing like some kind of stripper. Do you even know who he is?"

I wanted to laugh at his use of such big words given the current situation, but my anger was too great. Fuck numbness. I was so confused by what the hell was going on that I went with the only emotion I could understand.

"What… _you_ don't want me, but no one else can have me?" I threw off his grasp and took a step back.

"What... No, Bella. It's... Fuck!"

"No, we don't, Edward. We're doing this really screwed up dance around each other. We avoid the elephant in the room and pretend like there is nothing between us. But noooo; we do not fuck!" He started to sway a little in my vision... or was I the one swaying? Either way, I poked him in the chest to hammer home my very convincing point. "I am so sick of this." My hands are flailing, making the swaying worse. "So, you either shit or get off the fucking pot."

He moved away from where my hand was resting on his chest. He let out a large sigh, a look of pain on his face.

"I didn't think so." God, I'd really hoped he was going to shit. My heart ached. "Stay away, Edward. We are work colleagues, nothing more, nothing less. I can't be friends, or what every this is, with you; it's too hard."

"Bella—"

"Please, Edward, I can't do this anymore. So please just..." I pleaded.

"Fine, Bella, if that's what you want," he muttered, hanging his head and sounding resigned.

I watched as he turned and walked away, saying goodbye to our table of friends before he headed towards the exit. Alice looked over to me, by the bar, and gave me a pitying half smile.

Oh hell no, I didn't wanted anybody's pity.

"Can I get you anything, princess?" I had caught the attention of the barman. Nothing screamed 'I need alcohol' like eyes full of tears.

"Tequila, and keep them coming. They are on the Cullen tab."

I would take Alice's pitying looks if Edward Cullen's credit card was paying for them.

x-x-x-x

One tequila, two tequila...dum dee dum. Fuck, I couldn't finish the song; I had lost count of how many shots I'd had. What I did know was that tequila made me into a fucking amazing dancer. Secondly, the more I drank, the angrier I got.

How dare Edward think to tell me what I could and couldn't do. Who the fuck did he think he was? Who did he think he was to make me doubt myself? This shit storm between us was his doing. He was the one that walked away.

I felt strong arms wrap around my waist, pulling my moving body against a solid chest. When I looked up, I saw the man that Edward had dragged me away from. His five o'clock shadow and ice-blue eyes looked familiar, but given he only stayed in focus for a second, I couldn't quite put my finger where from. The beat pulsed through me, warming me like the tequila. The random behind me pulled me tighter, moving his body with me. It felt so good — that heavy feeling of another body against me. It'd been so long since a man had held me so close.

"God, you are so sexy."

His breath was rough and hot against my neck. He ground his hardness into my butt. I turned him on. It was huge power trip.

"You're not too bad yourself."

"Bella?"

I heard a small, familiar voice over JT's sexy tones.

"Alice! Come dance?"

"Bella, is this the wisest decision?"

Oh God, there it was again — that pitying look.

"I'm dancing, Alice, it's hardly the mistake of the century."

I saw her scoff and roll her eyes.

_Whatever._

"Well, I'm heading back to Edward's apartment, and Angela is going home too. Are you coming?"

"Nope, I think I'm going to hang with..." What's his name?

"James."

"James, a little longer. It's my birthday, and we're having fun."

"Bella-"

"Fun, Alice. I'm having fun," I spat at her. "I don't have to be in work tomorrow, so I'm going to have fun, fun, fun."

I dragged blue eyes back out onto the dance floor, letting the false bravado from all the alcohol I'd consumed fuel my behaviour. James's grip, as he pulled me to him, was harsh. His touch was all possession, where Edward's was union and partnership. Even the way I fitted with this stranger's body was all different. We danced awkwardly together, finding different rhythms.

"Do you want to come back to my place?" he asked.

My head screamed at me that this was all wrong. I should've called time out on this fucked-up, confusing night and gone home – alone. Instead, my pride and shattered heart stuck two fingers up at my head and told me to just do it.

"Sure."

I hesitated at James' smug smile. Was I that much of a foregone conclusion? Alice's look of horror cemented my decision.

_See, this is what your brother has the power to do to me. This is what I protected you from before._

I let James drag me from the club and into a waiting cab. I let him paw and claw at me in the back seat, not caring what the driver thought. I let him do whatever he wanted to me. Bruising kisses and punishing touches was the validation that at least someone wanted me tonight. He nipped at my neck, his stubble grating my skin.

"You're so fucking stunning," he groaned into my skin.

He was an articulate one, this guy. The cab ride was a short one, and we stopped in an area I wasn't familiar with. I hadn't been this careless with my own safety since I was a teenager. As I left the cab I wondered what the fuck I was doing going to some strange guys home on a Friday night. One night stands had never been my thing. I'd only had two in my entire sexual history. No matter how much I knew I'd regret this in the morning, I still followed James up the stairs to his apartment. It was too late to turn back now.

"Um… I wasn't expecting company, so it's a bit messy," he stammered as he opened the door.

I didn't care. I wasn't there to give his apartment the white glove treatment. I shrugged and followed him in. The apartment wasn't too bad. It was a typical man-pad. There were magazines all over the coffee table, interspersed with mugs of old coffee. He tried to pull me down a hallway, towards the bedroom I presumed. Instead, I pulled him over to the couch and pushed him down on to it. The idea of a bed was way too personal. I climbed on to him, clumsily straddling his thighs. Feeling his hard, covered cock against me made me freeze as I swallowed down the bile rising in my throat. He took this as an invitation to get handsy and rough. Demanding hands pulled and pushed my body as I sat there pliable to his movements. There was no sense of enjoyment in this for me, I knew there wouldn't be.

James grabbed my hips callously and pulled me down hard on him. "Yeah, baby. You feel what you do to me?"

The only thing I felt was sick. This was all wrong. I'd had rough sex before, but this wasn't rough; this was brutal. His voice was wrong. The feel of his hands as he moved up my sides, taking my shirt with him, was wrong. It was all wrong.

"No, no, no. This… I don't want this," I protested, trying to pull my top back down.

"Yeah, you do, baby, or you wouldn't be here," James pulled my top from my hands, so I could feel the material stretching.

I shook my head. "No!" I said firmly. I pushed away from him, catching myself as I fell backwards and staggered to my feet.

James got to his feet behind me as I searched around me for my purse. I needed to get the fuck out of here, pronto. Finally, I spied my purse on the floor and grabbed it, making a run for the front door.

"Hey now-" James grabbed my shirt and the material stretched further until I heard a tear.

Fear coursed through me as I berated my stupidity and sobered up quickly. What the hell had I been thinking? I did the only thing my alcohol-addled brain could come up with – I came out swinging. My hand met his face in a resounding slap. He let me go in shock and I didn't hesitate. Running blindly, my purse swinging from my wrist, I made for the door. Fumbling with the lock, I was free and racing down the stairs. Out on the street, the traffic was light and all the passing cabs were occupied. I continued to walk fast, away from James apartment. Up ahead, a cab stopped to let out its passengers, so I jumped in after them.

The cab moved off, and I sat back in the seat with a sigh, feeling tears well. The longed-for numbness of the alcohol was long gone, chased by the adrenaline from my near escape. I felt drained. Not only had I put myself in a situation where I could've been raped, I'd also alienated a friend who'd been missing from my life for seven years. Worst of all, I'd thrown myself at Edward and he didn't even want me. The reality of it was cold, harsh, and sobering.

After throwing a twenty-dollar bill at the driver, I made it back home. I couldn't even bring myself to look in the mirror as I took off my make-up. Instead, I scrubbed my face raw until my tears stung skin. I would face it all in the morning.

Wrapped in self-pity and destructiveness, I'd forgotten to close my bedroom drapes. The morning light drew me harshly from a fitful sleep. I woke only to wish I was dead. My head hurt like a bitch and something had died in my mouth overnight. As I pulled myself from my bed, every muscle complained. I ached from head to toe. The stark light in the bathroom explained why.

From my neck to my thighs, I was covered in huge bruises in varying degrees of color from yellow and green to black and blue. James really went to town on me. Today I was meant to go to a 'best buddies' massage thing with Alice. I couldn't sit in a room, partially naked, looking like this. The shame and regret I carried was bad enough, but if Alice knew, she might tell Edward. God, Alice. What I'd said to her last night was unforgiveable.

I sat down on the toilet and held my head in my hands. How had last night gone to shit so quickly? One minute I was actually considering that there could be a future between us, and the next, I was disrespecting my long-lost friend and going home with some random stranger.

Somewhere in my bedroom I could hear my phone ringing. I made my way gingerly towards it. The caller ID was showing a New York area code.

"Hello," I croaked.

"Bella, it's Jasper. I'm phoning for Alice. She's wonderin' if you still want to do this spa thing today."

My mortification was complete. Alice had to get her husband to phone me and play gatekeeper.

"Hi, Jasper. I'm okay, or I will be when I get some coffee. I'm so sorry about last-"

"Bella, last night doesn't matter. In fact, it's quite funny. I'm watching my darlin' wife, and I don't know who she is more mad at, you or Edward. She thinks you're both idiots. In fact, I haven't seen her stoFmp her foot this much since I suggested I wear my Stetson to the weddin'. So you doin' this spa thing or what?"

"How angry is she?" I whispered.

"Sweetie, she's not angry. She just doesn't like it when things don't go her way," he muttered cryptically. "So will you please take my wife off my hands before I wring her pretty little neck?"

I laughed then grimaced as my brain rattled in my skull. "Sure. Just let me, um, pull myself together and I'll be over in an hour to pick up your hyper sprite."

"Okay, we'll be seeing ya, darlin'."

I hung up with a small smile on my face. Jasper had the ability to make you happier just by chatting to you. Knowing Alice wasn't angry at me filled me with a bit more confidence as I climbed in the shower. I scoured my body with a scrub until it was red. Still, I couldn't remove the thought of last night from my mind.

Usually, I was a tinted moisturizer and a swipe of lip gloss kind of girl. Today, I was piling on the make-up as if I was going on the stage. The foundation covered the worst of the stubble-rash on my neck while a long-sleeved top and pants covered the rest. I'd worry about getting undressed later.

x-x-x-x

"Hey, Bella," Alice was tentative as she got in my car. I'd phoned and asked her to come down as I wasn't ready to face Edward yet. That would come on Monday morning.

"Look-"

"Bella, I-"

We both said at the same time. I held my hand up as she started to speak again.

"Alice, I am so sorry about last night. I don't know what to say. It's no excuse, but I was drunk and being an ass."

"It's fine. I'm just glad you're okay. What time did you leave?"

"I got home around two. Did you guys have a good time?"

"It was your birthday; shouldn't I be asking you that?"

I grimaced. How to get out of this one. "Dinner was great. It was perfect. Eclipse, not so much. But, thank you for keeping it low-key. Edward said you wanted to go all out, but it's just not my style, Alice."

Alice turned in her seat to look at me but was uncharacteristically quiet. Her stare started to unnerve me. Could she see below my make-up? "What?"

"I just still can't believe I'm sitting here beside you. Mom and Dad used to tell me they'd seen you in Forks, visiting Charlie. I'd visit, hoping to see you, but I never did."

I reached over the center console and took her hand. I didn't need to tell her. Alice already knew how much I'd missed her, how much I regretted losing touch.

We pulled into the spa, and I handed the keys over to the valet. Alice had booked us in for a 'relaxation' package including a special pregnancy safe massage for herself. After filling in a form that asked more questions than my medical insurance, we were led through to change into robes. Thankfully, we were each given our own changing room, because my bruises were even more pronounced than this morning. Most of them had deepened to a near-black color. The clearly defined outline of fingers and fingertips could be seen especially around my hips and forearms. Humiliation filled me. It was a stupid, stupid mistake, and I had no one to blame but myself. I just couldn't let Alice see them.

"Hey, Bella, you gonna stay in there all day?"

_Alice, as impatient as ever._

"No, I'm coming out."

Alice might've been drowning in her robe, but I couldn't help but hum at how soft the cotton was against my aching skin.

"So first up is the relaxation room. It's so cool. The New York spa has one too. It plays a relaxing soundtrack, complete with smells. You just lie back on one of the beds and listen."

She opened the door to a glass walled room but as soon as we closed the door the windows frosted over and the lights dimmed. There were two platform beds in the middle of the room, and, given my hangover, they were looking pretty comfortable.

As I lay down, the sound of running water filled the room. Wind whistled through trees, stirring the branches. I could hear birds singing all round me, and the smell of damp earth and flowers filled the room. Closing my eyes, I lay back. If I let my mind drift, I could've been back in the meadow in Forks — the meadow where Edward and I'd spent many-a-trip back to Forks. The wind reminded me of the times I would lie on the blanket next to Edward, looking up at those swaying branches and think about my future, my plans as Edward would call them.

"So we're in here for a while, just chilling, listening to nature. I thought you might like this one. Then we have a massage together. They have this table with a hole for my bump so Lentil doesn't get squashed. Then, we've got manis and pedis. I'm thinking hot pink for my toes."

"Yeah," I muttered flatly.

"Jeeze, Bella, would it kill you to smile a little? You're just like Edward was this morning." I perked up at his name. "Did you guys have a fight or something?"

"Or something." An overwhelming feeling of shame washed over me again.

"What? You two were getting on so well. Don't think I didn't see you two playing footsy under the table at the restaurant during dinner. I swear, Bella, it was like you and Edward were still the same couple you were in college. It's still there."

I couldn't help the whimper that escaped me. How wrong Alice was. "Alice, it was just a bit of fun. Some harmless flirting."

"Hardly! There was nothing harmless about last night. I don't know what happened, but Edward's been walking around like a bear with a sore head all morning. He won't tell me what he did but he kept castigating himself. Jackass and fucknut appeared to be his favorites," Alice chuckled, but her face softened at my distressed expression. Edward was angry at himself too? Was our kiss truly that awful?

"What happened? My brother went from the happiest I'd seen him since, well, you, to nearly tearing his hair out."

Tearing his hair out? I expected him to be embarrassed at having his ex-girlfriend throw herself at him. Tearing his hair out was a little extreme.

"I kissed him. At the night club, I threw myself at him, but he didn't want to… you know." I hung my head, too embarrassed to meet her gaze.

"What?!" she yelled out, shattering the peaceful atmosphere of the room. "He didn't want to? No, there has to be some mistake."

I sniggered sarcastically. "No mistake, trust me. His pushing me away was a pretty clear signal. He doesn't want me, not anymore."

"You're kidding, right? My brother is so in love with you, I'm surprised you can't see Cupid plaguing his every step." I stared at her, eyes wide in surprise. She rolled her eyes and let out a little 'pfft'. "You and Edward are insufferable monkey butts."

"Alice, believe me, there is no way Edward could still love me. Not after what I did. It was all my fault."

Over the sound of the room, I could hear Alice sit up. Obviously she wasn't giving up on this ridiculous line of inquiry. Still, I didn't open my eyes. I couldn't bear to look at her questioning face.

"It's none of my business, and you don't have to answer, but what happened? Why did you and Edward break up?"

My whole body clenched. Even though Edward and I had talked about it in Vail, the memories of finding out I was pregnant lead to memories that only Edward and I shared. Memories that nearly killed me every time I let them out. Could I take the risk? Would Alice hate me for what'd happened? I couldn't lose Alice so soon after I'd gotten her back. Not with Edward leaving soon too.

She used to be as close as a sister. She would understand, right? I glanced at her stomach, more pronounced in her seated position. I looked up and caught her gaze. Detaching myself, I took a deep breath.

"I was pregnant."

At her gasp, I looked away. Tears built between my eyes as my attempt to erect protective walls around myself failed. The bed dipped when Alice sat beside me.

"Oh, Bella." She reached up and wiped away a silent tear as it ran down my face. "When was this?"

The tears wouldn't stop. I wiped them away with a corner of my robe until it was soaking, and instead let them flow down my cheeks unhindered. I caught my breath as Alice put her hand in mine, reassuring me she was still here, no matter what.

"It was in our final year. Edward was finishing his Masters and I was writing the final draft of my thesis. We were going through a bit of a rocky patch with the stress of exams and wondering what we were doing when we graduated."

"Why didn't either of you tell me!"

"We never told anyone, not even your parents. By the time we got our heads around it all, it was over anyway."

_I stared aimlessly at my cup of decaffeinated ginger tea. Coffee was in the 'moderation only' section of the list of foods and drink I was to avoid. The OBGYN had given me the list and a few other leaflets about pregnancy and my options when I visited the week before. That was after she'd put a dildo-looking instrument up my hooha and declared me about seven weeks pregnant. Once again, I went alone. I'd seen Edward less and less in the two weeks since we'd confirmed I was pregnant. He hadn't even come home the night before. We'd argued a couple of nights before when I tried to force him to sit down and talk about this. We needed to figure out what we were going to do. Edward was still banging on about how it would ruin our lives, and eventually he snapped._

"_Why don't you just get rid of it?"_

_I turned around and slapped him before storming into our bedroom. A short while later the front door slammed as he left me yet again. He'd come back sometime in the night with my favorite cannoli from the Italian bakery down the street as an attempt at sorry, but he never did say the words. _

_I looked down at the weak brown tea and sighed. The vain hope was that the ginger tea might help with the morning sickness. I'd been throwing up at all hours for the last three days. The information the doctor gave me said that ginger might help. My stomach ached with the hunger of having not kept anything down for twenty-four hours. I got up and tossed the tea in the bin and made my way towards the coffee cart for a second visit. The list had said 'in moderation' after all, and half strength coffee didn't really count._

_As I let my coffee cool, my hand unconsciously went to my stomach. I wished to my bones that I was more excited about this. Now everywhere I went, all I saw were pregnant women. Happy__,__ pregnant women. My mind was too preoccupied with the repercussions of what the baby would mean to actually think about being happy. Edward wasn't helping. He refused to talk about it, claiming thesis meetings or that he just wasn't ready. I had no one to talk to, and I was scared out of my mind at the thought of the life growing in me._

_The coffee managed to stay down all of ten minutes before I was running towards the nearest bathroom, hand over my mouth, praying I wouldn't vomit on someone shoes. My stomach heaved and clenched as the coffee and what little of the ginger tea I'd managed to drink came back up. As I cleaned myself up, I became aware of wetness between my legs._

Great, I vomited hard enough to pee myself. Pregnancy sucked.

_I pulled down my pants and underwear and stared at what I found. Blood! I was bleeding. For a few seconds, I stood there confused and saw a little ray of hope. I couldn't get my period if I was pregnant, right? So, I couldn't be pregnant. But, I'd seen the baby on the screen. I'd seen the little ball of cells that looked like a cashew nut._

_My legs went week and I fell back onto the toilet._

"_No!" I whispered to myself._

_I frantically pulled my clothing back into place and shot out of the bathroom. The campus clinic was only five minutes away, but it felt like five miles. I tried to call Edward but he was in class and didn't answer. My phone slipped in my sweaty palms as my heart raced. This couldn't be happening, not now, not like this._

"_I need to see a doctor," I pleaded with the receptionist. She didn't even look up._

"_Do you have an appointment?"_

"_No, but it's an emergency."_

_Finally, she looked up, a bored expression on her face. "What kind of emergency?"_

_I glanced nervously around waiting room. There were a few people flicking through magazines, but no one seemed to be paying attention._

"_I'm… I'm pregnant and I'm bleeding."_

_The receptionists head flew up, her features worried before she schooled them back into a passive mask._

"_Right, just wait here a moment, and I'll get you in to see someone."_

_I sat in one of the waiting room chairs and tried to call Edward again. Even though we weren't really talking, he was my everything. The one I turned to when everything fell apart, and right now, it was falling apart more than it ever had before. The phone rang out. It was four in the afternoon, and he would be in a two-hour tutorial._

"_Isabella Swan?" the doctor called._

_I walked into the office like a prisoner would to the gallows. The doctor flicked through my file as I sat on the examination table._

"_The receptionist said that you've got some bleeding?" I nodded. "Breakthrough bleeding is common in the first month or two. Usually it's just spotting or a smear in your underwear."_

"_This is more, this is like a period."_

"_And you've just noticed it? Any cramps or sore stomach?"_

"_I've had cramps, but not as bad as the ones during my period. I thought it was hunger, because I keep throwing up everything I eat. What's going on?" I was frantic. The look on the doctor's face more than worried me._

_She took my hand. "I'm so sorry, Bella, I think you're losing your baby. It sounds like you're having a miscarriage."_

_The world started to spin. It sounded like wind rushing past my ears. The doctor was still talking but I couldn't hear her. I was losing my baby. My hands flew to my stomach, clutching it as if I could stop it happening, but there was nothing there. There was no bump, no signs of what grew in me, but still I knew the doctor was right._

"_Bella, did you hear me?" She asked, nudging me softly to get my attention._

_I snapped. "What? No, sorry."_

"_I said, we aren't equipped here to check on what's going on, so you need to go to the hospital. Is there someone we can call to come be with you?"_

_I thought of the phone in my jacket pocket. I would wait until Edward was out of class. "Um, no it's okay. I'll call him."_

_She gave me the address of the nearest hospital, not realizing that my three-and-a-half years in Seattle plus my clumsiness made me well versed in the location of hospitals._

_I left the clinic with a thick pad in my underwear, an unwelcome reminder of what was happening. I walked numbly to the nearest main street. All I could think of was the Doppler scan picture the OBGYN had given me. Our baby was alive; you could see the simulated coloring of its heartbeat._

_I hailed a cab and took it to the nearest ER. After an hour of sitting on a hard, plastic chair, someone called my name. It was an intern who didn't look any older than me. Did they have to send a guy? He led me to a cubicle and pulled the curtain around us. I could hear a man in the next cubicle moaning in pain and the comings and goings of the EMT's as they brought in patients. I didn't want to be there._

"_So what's the problem, Ms. Swan?"_

_I sighed. I'd already explained this to the admittance nurse. "My doctor sent me here because she thinks I'm having a miscarriage." His face paled. He'd obviously only read the top of my sheet; my name. "Is there any way I could get a female doctor?"_

_He looked happier. I was guessing he hadn't done his OBGYN rotation yet, never mind had to give a pelvic exam._

"_Yes! I mean, sure. You may have to wait a while."_

_I waved him away. The noise was too much for me, so I put in some earphones and let James Morrison block out the noise. I reached for my phone several times but it was only five-thirty, and Edward would still be in class. I sat my hand over my stomach. This was all my fault. I hadn't wanted this baby enough. We'd been too caught up in the implications that we never stopped to want it. At last another intern came through the curtain, trailing a machine behind her. I recognized it from my OBGYNs office._

"_My name is Doctor Biers, but call me Laura. My colleague tells me you're experiencing a miscarriage."_

God, that M-word again.

_I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. The edge between me keeping it together and completely losing it was razor-thin._

"_We're going to check. Do you know what this is?"_

"_It's a…" my voice cracked so I tried again. "It's a Doppler machine. My OBGYN used one to date my pregnancy._

"_And you're-" she flicked through file, "-around eight weeks."_

_I nodded again staring at the machine._

"_We'll take a look and see what is going on. I'll pop out, and I need you to get undressed from the waist down. Give me shout when you're ready."_

"_Um, what about… what about the blood? I'm bleeding." Bile rose in my throat at the thought. Our baby was literally bleeding out of me._

"_It's okay, the exam table is covered."_

_She turned sharply and pulled the curtain when she left. I waivered for a second. Everything was so stark, so cold. Slowly I toed off my shoes, my feet curling against the chilly floor. I stared at the Styrofoam-tiled ceiling as I removed my pants and underwear, folding each item like it was clean laundry. The paper on the exam table crinkled as I lay down, still staring at those tiles._

"_Um, I'm ready."_

_A couple of seconds later, the intern came back in. I couldn't watch as the doctor readied the machine, only obeying her instructions when she asked me to put my feet on the table. The wand was cold and uncomfortable. I squirmed trying to ease the pain but nothing worked._

"_I'm sorry, I know it's not pleasant."_

_I turned my head away. I could feel the tears tracking down my cheeks. I couldn't believe I was here. The last two weeks had been unlike anything I'd ever been through. I'd never imagined being pregnant this young. Sure, I'd thought about kids and marriage with Edward, but in my plan I was much older. Edward and I were barely speaking. He was my boyfriend, soul mate and best friend rolled into one person. Without him, there was no one in my life I could talk to about what was going on. My other college friends were around but I wasn't comfortable sharing the serious things with them._

_I couldn't take the silence. All I could hear was the doctor tapping away on the Doppler's controls._

"_Could you turn on the sound, Laura? Just so I could hear the heartbeat," I whispered._

_I turned to the screen. There were no synthetic colors on the screen showing a beating heart. There was no life there anymore. I laid my hands on my stomach even though I knew there was nothing there. I winced as she withdrew the wand and the picture disappeared and with it my hope._

"_The on-call OBGYN will be down to chat to you." I let out a loud sob. "Is there someone I can call while you wait for the consult?"_

_I thought of Edward. This was my punishment for not wanting this more. I was being punished and Edward would never forgive me. He may have not wanted the baby, but now he would never get the choice. I shook my head._

"_Why don't you get dressed, and I'll show the ultrasound to the OBGYN."_

_I pulled my clothes back on, eyes closed, and sat on the seat in the cubicle. Dr. Biers had cleared away the paper covering the examination bed. My phone vibrated from somewhere in my backpack. Pulling it out, Edward's name flashed across the scene. I pressed 'ignore'. How could I talk to him now? Before I wanted him there to hold my hand, but now I was glad he hadn't picked up the phone. So I couldn't see the blame in his eyes. I turned the phone off and put it back in my bag._

"_Miss Swan?"_

_I looked up to find an older looking woman dressed in scrubs and a white coat. "Are you here alone?" I nodded. "I'm Christina, I'm the on-call OBGYN. Dr. Biers showed me the ultrasound footage. I'm sorry, hun, there is no heartbeat. The baby's died and the bleeding is a miscarriage. Have you been through one before?_

_I sobbed silently. "I've… It is, was, my first-" I choked on the word, "-baby."_

"_Okay. Every woman is different, but the bleeding shouldn't go on for more than a week. You'll have stomach cramps for a few days, so maybe use an ice pack and some painkillers. You shouldn't need a D you're not far enough long to need one."_

_Was that my saving grace? I lose our baby, but didn't have to go through the trauma of a D&C?_

"_What happened? Why did I…?" I couldn't finish and winced as I felt another cramp._

_Her face softened, and she looked up from making notes on my chart. "It could be anything. Sometimes the body detects a defect in the DNA, or it could be that your body wasn't ready for a baby yet. Sometimes the body just rejects a pregnancy without reason. We don't know the reasons except that it just happens."_

_God, what had I done? It was my fault. It was my body that rejected it or wasn't ready for it. Me, me, me!_

"_Can I call someone to come pick you up, Miss Swan? You shouldn't be alone right now." The now-kinder nurse put her hand on mine. "Will you be okay?"_

No!

"_Yes, I'll be fine, but, no, I don't want anyone to pick me up. My boyfriend is still in class."_

"_If you're sure. Just check in with your OBGYN in a week or so to make sure the miscarriage went as it should. If the bleeding gets heavier or you don't stop after a week, come straight back in."_

_I nodded and picked up my bag. Slowly, I trudged out of the ER and into the reception. I'd never felt so heavy in all my life._

"_Isabella. Isabella," a voice called out behind me. "Isabella, wait." I turned out to find Dr. Biers jogging towards me. "Here's my number, you know, just in case you need someone to talk to."_

_I tried to smile but couldn't. Taking the number from her, I muttered a 'thanks', but we both knew I wouldn't call._

_I took a cab back to the apartment, even though my truck was still at college. I could hear music playing through the apartment door. My heart sank. __I was counting on Edward still acting like a dick by staying out. I wanted to get a shower before he got home__. Instead, I could hear him butchering the lyrics to 'Losing My Religion'. The feeling of guilt ripped through me as I swallowed a sob. I opened the door but there was no sign of Edward._

"_Bella?" he yelled out on hearing the door close._

_He appeared in the living room, a worried look on his face and wearing pink rubber gloves covered in soap suds. Edward doing the dishes. I looked around. The living room had been straightened out. My abandoned breakfast was gone and it looked like he'd vacuumed._

"_Bella, where have you been? I've been calling you for hours."_

"_I, um, I've been…" I stuttered and choked. Tears stung my eyes and my throat burned at trying to keep them down. God, I was falling apart. I also couldn't have a serious conversation with him while he was wearing pink gloves. "Why are you home?"_

_He hung his head, stripping of the soapy gloves. "I came home to say I'm sorry." He sat on the sofa in front of me, running his hands through his hair. "I've been an asshole recently. I should've been here, with you. Instead, I've been hiding. I was so freaked out thinking about what the fuck this meant for me, I didn't stop to think about us, about you.'_

"_Edward, I-"_

"_No, hold on. I want to show you something." He rummaged around in a bag behind the couch. "What do you think?"_

_Horror filled me at what he held up. In his hands was a onsie with 'Number One Dad' written across it. I felt bile rise in my throat as the tears I'd tried desperately to hold on to fell._

"_Oh God, I fucked it up, didn't I? Bella, please don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm so sorry." He stood up and pulled me to him, hugging me tight. Sobs shook my body until was literally shaking in his arms. "Bella, what's wrong? What's going on?"_

_I struggled to pull myself together. The pain was crushing. "I've been at the hospital."_

Edward thrust me away from him, frantically checking me from head to toe. "Are you hurt? What happened? Did you have an accident or something?"

"_I've had a –" My voice cracked. "I lost it, Edward. The baby, it died, in me. It's gone."_

_I sunk to the floor as my knees gave way. I was exhausted, sore and so fucking beyond hurt that I just couldn't hold myself up anymore._

"_Gone?" he whispered. "Oh, Bella."_

Alice was wrapped around me as tight as could be. Her face buried in the crook of my next. I felt the dampness of her tears through my robe as she tried not to sniffle too loudly. Her grip tightened as I took a deep breath, trying to calm my own emotions.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Alice whispered.

"I can't speak for Edward, but I just couldn't. I couldn't talk about it, so I didn't. It was too raw at the time, it's still too raw. But Edward coming back to Seattle forced me to actually think about it."

"But, neither of you ever told my mom and dad. Edward acted like a schmuck. Dad would have hung him up for the way he acted."

"Exactly!" I cried out. "Your parents and my dad would've gotten involved. We'd have had to relive it time and time again as we explained what happened. I couldn't face it. While Edward didn't want it at first, he came around, he wanted to be a dad. I was the one who took it away from him. Me and my traitorous body." I heaved as I tried to tell Alice. My heart ached – physically ached.

"Bella, you have to realize, it wasn't your fault. You weren't to blame. If you'd have told us, we could have helped," she patted my back, rubbing soothing circles over my robe.

"I did, eventually. I told Charlie about three years later that it happened, after he saw me freak out at a baby shower in Forks. He badgered me until I told him what went down in Seattle. I've never seen Charlie so… emotional. My dad wanted to hunt Edward down the next time he came to Forks, but I managed to talk him down. Charlie lost me for four years when I was little, so he understands what it's like in a way. He understood the grief more than most."

"I would've listened if you'd told me." I shrugged off her hand.

"God, Alice, our world didn't revolve around you guys. Where did this need for me and Edward to tell our families come from? It was our loss, not the family's. It wasn't as if some great aunt we all grew up with passed away. It was a baby, barely anything but a ball of cells. But it was our baby. Mine and Edwards, and we chose not to tell anyone else." I tried to dial my voice down. I'd grown up an only child to a single parent and I barely saw my dad until I was sixteen. I was used to dealing with things myself. The Cullens were different. They were all 'deal with it as a family'. I didn't air my problems when I knew that there was nothing other people could do to solve them.

"I was one of your best friends, Bella, you should have told me."

I sighed. It was going in one ear and out the other. "It wasn't about you." She drew back looking affronted. "It wasn't personal. I didn't tell anyone, and neither did Edward from the looks of it. Plus, if I'd of told you, you would have blamed me or blamed Edward, or even both of us for being so stupid for getting pregnant so young. You would've had to have picked sides, supported one of us against the other. I didn't want that. It wouldn't have been fair."

"We'd never have done that."

"I couldn't take the risk, Alice. Your family meant more to me than anything. It was bad enough I broke Edwards heart, I couldn't stand if it I hurt anyone else."

"Bella, are you ever going to stop blaming yourself?" She replaced her hand on my back, this time I didn't shrug her off. "Did you ever see someone about it? Like a therapist?"

"I didn't want to talk to anyone. Fuck, Alice, I couldn't even speak to my own family, how could I talk to a stranger?" I shrunk at the thought of having to talk through what happened.

"Then talk to Edward. I know it may seem like he's okay, but he's still hurting over losing you and the baby. He's just better at hiding it. Mom worried about him a lot after you were gone. Dad only paid for his Europe trip on the condition he would phone home every week. They backed off when he came to live with me in London. They thought he was getting over your break-up when he decided to stay and got the job at MacKenzie Brown. It's not my story to tell but, please, speak to Edward. You guys need to sit down and actually talk," she pleaded.

"It's too late, Alice. Far too late," I turned away as the tears started to fall again.

She cupped my cheek in her hand and turned my face back to hers. "If it was too late, Edward wouldn't be prowling around his apartment this morning like a man possessed. Whatever happened last night tipped him over the edge. Even he's given up trying to convince himself he's over you."

I giggled at her absurdity. "While I'll concede that there might be something between us now. _Might!_" I emphasized as her face lit up with a smile. "He doesn't love me, not anymore."

Alice let go of me and clapped her hands like an excited school girl. "Oh, Bella, you'll see. Just promise me, you'll be open. No more of this closed off, walls up, Bella. And talk to my brother, get the other side of the story. Promise me."

I couldn't help but smile. She was fighting so hard in a battle that wasn't her own. "I promise, Alice. Now how about those massages?" I asked, wiping away my tears.

"Sure. And after, do you want to go shopping?" I groaned. "No, I mean like to some bookshops or those reclaimed junkshop places Edward said you liked to go?" Her eyes shifted left to right and she wouldn't meet my gaze.

"You hate those kind of shops, Alice. Why would you volunteer to go shopping there?"

"Well, um, you know. It's your birthday weekend, and we should do something you would enjoy."

"You're a terrible fibber. What's really going on?"

"What, I want to spend a bit of one-on-one time with you."

"Alice?" I playfully growled.

She huffed at being caught out. "Fine! You know the comedy night we're going to on Wednesday night, for your actual birthday?" I nodded. "Well, mom and dad are coming too. Dad has a conference in Seattle, and I'm here until Thursday afternoon, so they thought they would kill two birds with one stone and come down. They're looking forward to seeing you too."

"Alice!" I groaned. "When were you going to tell me?"

"I don't know. On Wednesday night?"

Great! Edward probably didn't even want to go anymore after my embarrassing display, and now the entire Cullen Clan would be there to witness the tension and awkward moments.

Best birthday ever!

* * *

**Right, now before you all reach for the review button to have a go at me...don't. Those without sin, cast the first stone! Who hasn't made a drunken mistake and threw themselves at a guy (Edward in the previous chapter), or been a little self-destructive when with Jose? Or sometimes both? Bella is hurt, she's confused and she's so far out of her depth, she's fucking it up left right and centre. So before you review, put yourself in Bella's shoes...oh and sign in, so if you do have a go at me, at least i have a chance to explain myself instead of me just deleting your one-sided review! Ta muchy!**

**Now, thanks to the 'gals' - Malloryknoxx, JMolly, oneofeddiesgirls, and my beta Kibby.**

**Merry Christmas guys and I'll see you on the flip-side a.k.a 2013!**


	15. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**So some wonderful soul has nominated me over at TLS as possible Fic of the Week. So in honor of that, you get an early update! Details on how to vote at the end.**

* * *

_Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. – __**Joan Crawford**_

**Chapter Fifteen – One Step Forward, Two Steps Back**

Getting out of bed in the morning was getting harder and harder. Too many late nights recently and adding another year to my age were taking its toll.

The comedy club the night before was the best way of spending my birthday. Mama and Papa Cullen insisted on taking their kids out for dinner before the show. Esme looked almost offended when I suggested I meet them afterwards.

"_You're family, Bella. You always will be," she patted my hand and flashed me a sad smile._

I wasn't trying to avoid them, well maybe just one. Things between Edward and I had taken a major setback. We were back to the distance and awkwardness of when he first arrived. Only this time, it was all coming from him. For the last three days we'd communicated through our assistants. If we met in the kitchen getting coffee, we danced around clumsily until the coffee brewed, then we were out of there as if our asses were on fire.

It wasn't malicious. He would give me a small smile if he passed me in the hall. We'd make civil conversation in meetings; inquiring about how mutual acquaintances were doing. The warmth was gone as was the camaraderie I'd come to depend on. I felt lost as to what to do about it. The thing was, I had no one else to blame but myself. I'd thrown myself at him and then laid down the law when he rejected me. As was common theme between us, he didn't fight me on it. I'd been hoping with every fiber in my body that he would.

Well, at least I would only have to put up with it for the morning today. Alice asked me to take her to the airport for her flight home, so I would be leaving at lunchtime. As a result, I was trying to cram a whole working day in to four hours. Finally, I reached the last page of a contract I was working on. Legal had been through it with a fine-toothed comb, but I wanted a final read-through before I signed off on it. I glanced at the clock. Eleven! Fuck, I was running so far behind. I scrawled my name and signature at the bottom of the page. Stepping out of my office, I headed for Emily's desk.

"Hey, Em, could you pass this to Edward for…" I trailed off when I looked up and realized she wasn't there.

Las could pass it on for me. Las's desk was empty too. I hopped from foot to foot in indecision. This needed Edward's signature so it could be sent to the landlord's agent. Volturiwas renting floors in the building that would form their US-based offices. I could hear him talking through the closed door. Talking a deep breath, I knocked on his door.

"Edward, I need you to co-sign…" I stopped short. There, sitting on the end of his desk, was one of the Eddie's girls – tall, blonde and beautiful. Edward was sitting back, away from his desk, his posture relaxed and a wide smile on his face. Even thought I had no right, I felt the anger bubble up in me. When his cocky smile gave way to a guilty look, something in me snapped. "Sorry, I didn't realize I was interrupting," I spat out, my tone full of vitriol.

Edward sat up straight and distanced himself further from the woman. "You weren't. This is Becky from HR. She was checking in to see how my first month went."

"Bet she was," I mumbled under my breath. "Funny, no one came to check on my after _my _first month."

Becky shifted uncomfortably under my judgmental stare, pulling her skirt lower and trying to cover her exposed cleavage. I was on to her.

"What's up, Bella?"

I thrust the papers at him. "You need to co-sign these. It's the rental contract for the four floors for Volturi. I need them back before midday so I can get them couriered over by the deadline."

He looked at his watch. "That only gives me less than hour to read through it."

I rolled my eyes. "When have you ever read through anything I've given you?"

His brow furrowed in anger, probably at my accusing, pissed-off tone. "Since you asked me to. Unlike you, I actually listen to what you say." I recoiled as if I'd been slapped. He was talking about more than the contract. "How long have you had this on your desk anyway?"

"I just got it back from legal this morning, actually." I whined. This was deterioratinginto a schoolyard argument, with spectators, but I just couldn't help myself. "They've been arguing over the early release fee, just like I said they would."

"Really?" he mocked.

"Yes!" I shouted, my hands firmly on my hips almost towering over him.

Becky watched us, her head bobbing back and forth like she was watching a tennis match. I turned my glare on her again until she started to squirm.

"Maybe I should go?"

"Yeah, thanks for stopping by," I muttered sarcastically. I watched as she sashayed out of his office. When I looked up, I expected Edward's eyes to be on her, but instead, his glower was firmly on me.

"Was that necessary, Bella?"

"Yes, it was. Maybe if you spent less time entertaining your harem, you would have time to read this and get it back to me." I turned on my heel and stormed out, head held high. I heard him call out my name behind me, but I didn't stop. As soon as I crossed the threshold of my office, I closed the door and locked it. I leaned heavily on my desk, my hands shaking and chest heaving.

_What the fuck just happened? And when had I turned into this harpy bitch?_

My door handle rattled a couple of times before whoever it was went away again. I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. I'd never lost control like that before. No matter what was tossed my way, I was the upmost professional at tackling it. Cool, calm and collected. Whatever just happened went beyond the obvious jealousy. I hadn't just staked a claim or participated in a pissing contest. No, it was much worse. I'd been confronted with the bare-bones truth of it all. While I acknowledge that Edward didn't want me, despite Alice's claim to the contrary, he could be with anyone in the office, even Bimbo Becky, and I would have to see it every day. The thought made my blood run cold.

I typed a quick message to Emily with instructions on what to do with the returned contract, grabbed my remaining work, and fled my office. I couldn't face Edward after the shitstorm that just went down and being stuck in my office was just too claustrophobic. My two worlds, work and private, had finally collided and I needed out.

By the time I was on my way to pick up Alice, I'd pulled myself together somewhat. For the first time in a year, I'd gone for a run. After leaving Seattle for Chicago, I'd started running to deal with my thoughts or just to get a break from them. This was definitely one of those occasions. Part of me just wanted to keep on running, far away from my copper-haired ex. But my talk with Alice at the spa made me realize that I'd been running for seven years, and maybe it was about time I stopped.

After running over two miles, I stopped and turned back so I would still have time to get ready and drive to Edward's apartment. When I got home, I looked at my phone with trepidation; six missed calls from Edward and a text from Emily. I ignored the voicemails and went straight to the text message.

**Contract signed and couriered. Eddie is on a man-hunt for you! What happened? L & I want gossip – Em**

I deleted the message without replying. Confessing our past to Lauren and Emily was a mistake. Now they felt that they could tap me for gossip despite the fact they both knew I was a very private person. I quickly showered and dressed in something comfortable. I managed to distract myself with work until it was time to leave to pick up Alice. I'd been half expecting Em to cave and tell Edward where I was, but there was no knock at my door and my phone had gone quiet.

It was strange being back in Edward's apartment, but there was no way I was letting Alice carry her suitcase downstairs. No great surprise, it was huge and heavy. Fabric she's picked up while talking to buyers, she claimed. In no time, we were on our way to the airport. Beside me, Alice was almost physically humming. I huffed in resignation.

"Fine, whatever it is, spit it out"

"Oh, thank God," she burst. "What the hell is with Edward? He's been Mr. Bipolar. One minutes he's all quiet and BB Edward, and the next he's all moody and self-hating."

I was taken aback at Edward's flip-flopping personality. From the little I'd seen of him, he was acting normal. "BB Edward?"

"The Edward before Bella. You know, quiet, anti-social, and in need of a good lay."

"Alice! That's your brother."

"So, I call it like I see it. And you're not much better. I've never seen a more depressed birthday girl than you last night."

"What? I had fun. It was great."

"Please! The only time you smiled was when one of us was talking to you. For a comedy show, you didn't find it very funny. You and Edward just sat there making sad faces at each other when you thought the other wasn't looking. Haven't the two of you gotten over the whole Eclipse incident?"

"Yes. No. It's awkward. Plus, I kinda made it worse this morning." I proceeded to explain what'd gone down in Edward's office just a few short hours before and how I'd tucked tail and ran.

Alice sat silent for a moment. "Oh, God!" she growled in frustration. "I swear I'd knock your heads together if I thought it'd do any good. Are you blind or just plain stupid?

"Alice! What's the big deal? We fought, it happens."

"You guys aren't just fighting though, and neither of you can see it. You promised me you would talk to him. Why haven't you?"

I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. "I've been meaning to, but I'm so fucking angry at him."

"You're not angry. Upset, embarrassed, and confused, but not angry. All this unresolved past between you is clouding things. You can't even see the sexual tension that hums around you two whenever you are close. It's like psychic seduction watching how he follows you around a room with his eyes."

I gracelessly snorted at Alice's observation, but stopped to think. Hadn't Emily said the same thing when we were in Vail? "What do I do, Alice?"

"Talk to him. Tomorrow! Stop putting it off. Then you two can go to this gala thing on Saturday and actually enjoy yourselves."

"Shit!" In all the drama, I'd forgotten about the gala dinner. MacKenzie Brown bought two tables every year in support of March of Dimes . Though the topic of babies was touchy for me, my recent confrontation with the past left me looking forward to raising awareness for those babies that made it into the world too took advantage of the tables to not only reward the staff, but to also wine and dine our clients. Edward and I were going this year as Garrett's chief networkers. A lot of our American clients had British offices that weren't contracted with MB, and Edward wanted a shot at them.

Alice chuckled beside me. "Relax, Bella, I picked you up something when I was sorting out Edward's tux. It was meant to be a surprise, but it should be delivered this afternoon by someone who is going to fit you."

Somehow, I wasn't surprised by Alice's foresight. She'd always been…intuitive about people. "You are a lifesaver, sweets. Just let me know how much I owe you."

"Nothing, it's one of mine. Just do me a favor, if there are paps at this thing, pimp me out and show a bit of leg!"

"Alice, how short is this dress?" Nightmares of Alice-induced dress-up sessions past came to me.

"It's floor-length just with…room to maneuver."

"So you're all set for going home?"

"Yep, I managed to talk to all my buyers and a couple of fabric makers. Plus, I got you back."

I swallowed a lump in my throat. "And I got you back. I promise that I'll never disappear again."

Alice sniffed back tears and took my hand. "You better not."

I pulled into the short-term parking area and hauled the huge suitcase out of my trunk. It'd been a whirlwind visit, but I was so happy she'd come. Even if Edward disappeared from my life again when he went back to London, I would have Alice again no matter what.

We hung around the entrance to security for twenty minutes, until it was time for her to go through.

"Just remember to call me when you get home?"

"And you, just remember to talk to Edward."

Happy tunes on the radio, singing about summer days and true love made me smile. Traffic was light as I drove downtown. It was as if the Gods were finally giving me a break – helping me keep my resolution. I'd purposely set out early so that I could grab Edward to talk. Work wasn't the best place to do that, but I couldn't wait. If I left it any longer, I'd chicken out again.

Emily had obviously just gotten into the office too because I found her in the kitchen making coffee.

"Hey, boss. You're in early for a Friday."

"I didn't get everything done at home, so I came in to finish. Did everything go okay yesterday?"

_Read: Edward_.

"Mostly, except for being harassed by a certain EC to your whereabouts. I swear, he tried to bribe me just so he could get a hold of you when you wouldn't pick up your phone. What have you done to him?"

"I'll tell you later. Is he in yet?"

"Nope. You want me to let you know when he is?"

Approaching Edward when no one was in yet was one thing, but I wasn't looking for a public showdown at the OK Corral. "It's okay. I'll send him an email. Can you keep my schedule free between twelve and two? Make sure Las does the same for Edward."

Emily threw me a soft smile. "Sure will. It's about time."

I had to laugh. "You're not the first person to say that to me this week."

I grabbed my coffee and headed back to my office. I had to close my door and put on some music to stop myself from jumping at every footfall that passed by. I'd had no reply to my email, but if need be I would go to his office. My resolve was made up. My phone rang, distracting me.

"Hey, Bella. Garrett's office called. He wants you up there ASAP. It sounded pretty urgent."

"Just me?"

"Yeah, Edward's not in yet. In fact, I haven't seen him at all this morning."

"Strange. Okay, but keep your eyes open for him. I really need to talk to him."

I headed up to Garrett's office. His PA, Irina, motioned me through. Garrett looked unusually agitated.

"Ah, Bella. Come in. I'll get right to it. You know that while Edward has been working here, his colleague has been covering his accounts?" I nodded. Eric something. "Well, Mr. Yorkie, Edward's colleague, has been involved in an accident, so Edward has to return to the UK."

My body sank as I felt my world end. "When is he leaving?"

"Sunday. He'll stay for the Gala, but from Monday, you're on your own with the Volturi account. You'll still report to me, but Edward will now need written weekly updates, switching to monthly after the handover date."

I heard nothing after "Sunday". Two days. Edward would walk out of my life, and I wasn't ready for it. I don't think I'd ever be ready.

"Did you hear me, Bella?" I stared at Garrett in confusion. "Where did I lose you?"

"Sunday," I croaked out.

"Right. He won't be in today because he's got to make arrangements to return."

I nodded numbly. My mind was in free fall. The news sat like a lead weight in my stomach, hard as stone. I knew he'd have to leave at some point, but I thought we had more time. He'd only been back for a short time. It wasn't enough.

I felt a hand on mine.

"Bella?" I looked up to find Garrett's concerned face watching me. "I know we're at work, but you're more to me than just an employee. You're a friend, and as your friend, I feel comfortable saying… pull your head out of your ass and go get your man."

My head sprung up in surprise. Usually Garrett was uber-calm and collected. I learned my overly-professional attitude from him. How did he know about Edward and I anyhow? "What? How?" I stuttered.

"I hate to say it, Bella, but you and Edward are gossip fodder these days. Plus, I know, from a very reliable source, what has been going on between the two of you."

My cheeks blushed red in embarrassment. I'd always managed to keep my private life out of the office. "By reliable, you mean Emily, right?" It was Garrett's turn to flounder. "Don't worry, no one else knows. But to someone who people watches, like me, you two aren't as sly as you think you are. You guys are good together."

"Um… thanks? Bella, as someone who has fallen head over heels recently, let me give you some advice. That man loves you. He looks at you like you laid the path to heaven." I went to contradict him, but he held his hand up to stop me. "I know you guys have history, but it's plain as day how much you care about him too. He can't do anything about that if he doesn't know it. Tell him before he gets on that plane."

I could feel the tears running down my face, heaving sobs racked my body. I was a mess. How had everyone seen this but me? Why had I never entertained the thought that Edward could possibly love me ever again? The bigger, more obvious question was, did I love him? Love him enough to risk it all and beg him to stay? Fuck, it was a foregone conclusion; Yes! I would get on the plane with him if it meant we could be together.

Garrett's hand held mine, grounding me as I sniffed and hiccupped.

"It's lunchtime, why don't you go and see him?"

I gave him a watery smile as I battled to pull myself together. I was, after all, at work, and having a meltdown in my boss's office. "I'm a mess. I can't go to him looking like this." I patted my hair as if turning into a crying wreck had somehow altered my up-do; "I have a monthly meeting with Carney at two and a client visit at three thirty. I'll find him after work."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, plus, I think we're going to need more than an hour to talk this through."

"Okay, well, if you need to talk about any of it, for the love of God, find Emily because this is way off my radar. The last ten minutes is probably as close as I've been to my sensitive side in years."

I laughed through another hiccup. "You do alright, Garrett. You managed to land Emily after all."

He blushed and shooed me out of the office. Irina stared at me, her eyes bugging out of her head. I must have looked way worse than I felt. So, I pulled my hair down, letting the long waves hide most of my face in a curtain. I might have looked like Cousin It, but it was better than everyone thinking that I was crying because Garrett had fired me.

"Everything okay, boss?" Emily asked.

I had no doubt that Garrett phoned Emily the second I left his office. "Em, can you cancel the hold I have on my schedule during lunch, but hold my calls. Here's a twenty. Can you grab me something for lunch and something for yourself too?"

I hardly ever sent Emily out to get my lunch or anything personal. She was so much more than my PA. Garrett must have warned her I was in a bit of a state and she'd taken pity on me.

I spent the rest of the day trying to get shit done, _trying_ being a key term. My mind was otherwise occupied reliving the last five weeks. The more I looked back, the more I saw the signs. I'd let the past cloud what was going on around me now. Edward wasn't the man I'd once known. He was different, more matured and life-weathered. He wouldn't let me down like he had before. He'd stay with me.

At last, six PM rolled around, and I could leave work. I turned my car out of parking lot. Instead of heading for home, I turned left and headed for Edward's apartment. The radio was silent, a complete contrast to this morning. It grated on my nerves when I could find nothing but Britney Spears and really bad eighties crap. My fingers frantically tapped out my own beat on the steering wheel. Everything was on edge, a hysterical hyperawareness that was screaming at me just to let it out. I growled at every red light and traffic snarl. It was just getting dark as I pulled into a visitor space outside Edward's building. Quickly, I took a look in my rear-view mirror. My face had calmed from its post-crying red blotchiness and I'd removed my mascara so I was less panda-like.

With a deep courage-enforcing breath, I pressed the button to call the elevator. My whole body hummed with anticipation, flipping between flight and fight. Would I jump his bones or run screaming? Before I knew it, I was in front of his door. I raised my hand to knock only to pull it away.

"Fucks sake, Bella. Big girl panties," I whispered to myself.

So I raised my hand and knocked firmly. I heard my heartbeat echoing in my ears. A few seconds later I heard the lock rattle and the door opened.

"Hello, can I help you?"

I took a step back, startled. Instead of my messy-haired ex-boyfriend, a red-headed woman dressed only in a towel stood in the doorway.

"I… um… I was looking for Edward."

"Oh, I'm Tanya." She jostled her hand, which was holding her towel up, and held it out. I stared at it blankly before she lowered it, awkwardly. "Edward's in the shower. Do you want to come in?"

"I…" Fuck, my brain was in shock. "No!"

I turned heel and ran.

Flight it was then.

* * *

**Oh no she didn't? Oh yes, i bloody well did! So who the fuck is Tanya and why is she in a towel? Find your big girl panties with Bella and come back next week to find out! Oh and leave me a review with your theories as to who Tanya is... you guys seriously blow my mind with the theories! Kids? Murder, even that Tanya's is a therapist!**

**Thanks as always to JMolly, Adri (OOEG), Malloyknoxx, and Kibby, who all worked through the holiday period and pre-read and betaed Chapter 16 for me!**

**So i'm gonna leave my dignity at the door and BEG you to vote for Between Us, and check out the other wonderful fics up for vote, and we'll see how far up the tree we can get. Thanks!**


	16. Crazy, Stupid, Love

_This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been  
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,  
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,  
I was never crazy on my own…  
And now I know that there's a link between the two,  
Being close to craziness and being close to you._

_**Katie Melua – Closest Thing To Crazy**_

**Chapter Sixteen – Crazy, Stupid, Love**

Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck!

_How could I've been so stupid?_

All those people telling me how much they could see that Edward loved me. That he'd never been happier, and how they could all tell from the way he looked at me. It was all bullshit. I pushed the elevator call button rapidly but it was still six floors above me. Instead of waiting, I headed down the emergency exit stairs, my ballet flats slapping on the concrete. I burst out into the parking lot and headed for my car.

Driving through Seattle's streets, I thumped my hands down on the steering wheel several times. Anger flooded my system. I was angry and frustrated at myself. I'd allowed everyone around me to convince me as to how he felt instead of being realistic. My mind flashed back to the woman at his apartment. I couldn't help but compare us. She was stunning — her curly strawberry-blonde hair and God knows what kind of body was hiding under that towel. I glanced at myself in the rear-view mirror. Why would he ever want a plain Jane like me, remarkably ordinary in every way?

I thumped the wheel one more time before the tears came. It felt like all I did was cry these days. I wiped furiously at my face. There was no one to blame but myself for even getting my hopes up that he could still love me.

_How could I've been so stupid?_ I asked myself again.

I drove on auto-pilot until I was home. I kicked off my shoes and shrugged off my jacket. After tossing some kibble into Ginger's bowl, I reached for the door to the liquor cabinet. There it was — a bottle of Southern Comfort in all its amber glory. I rummaged in the fridge for the fresh limes I'd bought in case Alice wanted margarita's like old times. Luckily, we didn't end up needing them due to her delicate condition.

Two fist-full glasses later, I was less teary and more numb. My body ached from being so tense, and I was still at a loss as to what to do. Was it strange to feel bereavement for losing something that was never yours to begin with? The feeling was oh-so-familiar, just how I'd felt in Chicago after I first moved. The silence of my apartment was deafening, so I turned on the TV.

Nothing like classic Jerry Springer to put life in perspective.

I must've fallen asleep. I woke up, my eyes stuck together with tears and clumpy mascara. Peeling myself from the couch, I removed Ginger and her claws from my tummy. I stripped off my clothes, not bothering with my PJ's, and threw myself into bed. If my brain hadn't been so alcohol-addled, I would have realized that in just eighteen hours, I would have to face Edward and attempt to hold my head high.

Just as Alice had promised, a dress was delivered, after a couple of last minute fittings, to my door on Saturday morning. After I hung it up, I couldn't stop staring at it or running my fingers over the satin feeling of the overskirt. Alice had rattled off fabrics, like emerald silk dupioni and soft tulle underskirt, but I hadn't been able to picture it. Now that I'd seen it, the fabric names still didn't matter, it was beautiful. I'd gone to the salon earlier to get my hair done and Angela arrived an hour ago to help with my make-up and help me dress.

"Bella! You know you can put it on instead of just stroking it. You get to wear it," she chuckled.

I shook my head and laughed at myself. I had no bashfulness in disrobing in front of Angela. Once you strip someone out of their vomit-crusted party clothes, embarrassment was lost with your dignity.

"Nice, Bella. You planning on not coming home alone?"

Okay, well that caused me to blush. I was wearing matching emerald underwear, including a fabulous strapless bra, knickers and garters. With my hair swept up into a nineteen-fifties pin-up style, I felt like sex personified.

"Now, Alice said this goes on from your feet up and then we tighten it with the laces at the back."

I nodded, remembering the fittings. Angela was going to have to pull those laces tight. The boning made my boobs pop. I stepped into the dress and Angela pulled it up my body. The lining was like silk against my skin. Even the tulle in the fish-tail skirt felt soft — a complete contrast to the scratchy tulle of the tutus I wore for ballet when I was a small child.

Angela tied off the laces and came to stand in front of me.

"Wow, Bella. Just... wow!"

I ran my hands cautiously over the gathered bodice, running my thumbs over the sweetheart neckline and down to my slender waist. With every breath I took, I could feel the boning push against my rib cage. The pressure felt good, secure. It was quite possible, since I would be seeing Edward tonight, it would be the only thing holding me together. I turned and looked in the mirror. What I saw took my own breath away. The woman reflected back to me wasn't me. Well, it was me, but everything was so much more defined. Alice's genius had created an illusion that turned my straight body into something akin to an hour glass. My breasts looked amazing! The dazzling, strong green of the dress against my pale skin made me look almost ethereal. The smoky eyes and pillar-box red of my lipstick made me look like a seductress from another era. I loved it. In my emerald armor, I could hold my head high when facing Edward and formally meeting Tanya.

x-x-x-x

Climbing out of the cab, I was relieved to see that people were already walking up the red carpet, so I managed to sneak up the side and avoid the crowd — There was a silent auction table that offered prizes that were way above my income bracket I could see Emily and Garrett already at our table, but no Edward.

"Glass of champagne, madam?"

I snorted. _Madam_! Did I look over fifty? Still, I took a glass and downed it in one go. I reached for another. A bit of liquid courage never hurt anyone, right?

I was surprised to find Garrett and Emily standing by our company table holding hands. It looked like my talk with Garrett the previous afternoon had stirred something in him too.

"Bella, my dear, you look absolutely stunning," Garrett exclaimed.

"So do you, Garrett. You own that tuxedo!"

"Garrett, honey, we'll be back in a minute. I just need to talk to Bella for a second."

Emily grabbed me and started to pull me away. I managed to keep a grip on the champagne glass without spilling it down my dress. Alice would be pissed. She finally stopped after pulling me into a darkened alcove.

"Emily, what the hell?"

"Garrett told me about Edward. Did you manage to speak to him?"

I let out a strangled whimper; I needed more champagne. "His girlfriend was there."

Emily's jaw dropped in surprise. "Seriously?" I nodded. "No, there has to be some explanation. How did you know she was his girlfriend?"

I dropped my now empty glass into the nearest plant pot for a soft landing. "She answered the door in her towel... and told me that Edward was in the shower too."

"No! But, we were… He said-" She shook her head. "No, there has to be a mistake."

I laughed sarcastically but it came out boarding on hysterical. "It looked pretty clear cut from where I was standing."

"Hold up, did you even ask him? Did you get an explanation?" I shook my head solemnly. "Bella!" Emily went to put her hands in her hair in frustration until she remembered it was held up with hairspray.

"What explanation, Emily? She was standing there _naked_! Well, in a towel, but still. And he was _in_ the shower. What else could it be? Her clothes spontaneously combusted and all she could find was a towel? Come on, Em, let's not delude ourselves."

"God, if you two would just talk to each other. I swear, it's like the roadrunner and the coyote. You get so close to it working out, but then you both act like morons by forgetting to talk to each other, and it all explodes. One day, Bella, that acme rocket is going to explode and destroy everything, including you."

"Emily, I…"

"He could be your everything, Bella, if you just talk to him," she whispered.

She squeezed my shaking hands and walked slowly away, leaving me with my jumbled thoughts. I walked blindly back towards the table, which was full except for one seat next to me. Grabbing a fresh glass of champagne, I sat down and turned to look towards the room.

"A girl as beautiful as you should never sit alone," came a voice behind me.

I closed my eyes and reveled in his velvet tones for a moment, letting the moment be what it was. Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and turned to face him. Edward.

"Edward," I whispered. Even though Edward wasn't in love with me, I couldn't turn off my feelings for him that quickly. The sight that greeted me when he turned around was nothing short of breathtaking. I'd admired Edward when he was wearing his dad's suit at Jake and Leah's wedding, but standing in front of me in his tux, he was breathtaking. Alice did good! The suit didn't seem to be just black; there were hints of the same green as my dress in the fabric. The subtle hint of color brought out the deep green of his eyes. I looked around him, searching the crowd behind.

"What?" he asked.

"Where is Tanya?"

His face paled. It was obvious he had no idea I'd even been at his apartment the previous day. Why would he? It wasn't as if I told Tanya who I was.

"She's not coming. How did you know she was here?"

Well at least he'd done the courtesy of not trying to lie to me. "I, um, came by your apartment last night. Garrett told me that you have to go back to the UK. I was coming to pick up a file, and Tanya answered the door." I lied.

He looked at me, confusion flitted across his face. "Tanya never told me. Well, she said someone stopped by looking for me, but she didn't tell me it was you."

I let out a snort. "Sorry, Edward, was unsure of the procedure when it came to introducing myself to your girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend!"

I chuckled sarcastically. Apparently champagne gave me the chuckles. "Really? The towel and shared shower kinda gave it away."

"Look, Bella, I don't know what you saw and what you think is going on, but you have it all wrong," he muttered through gritted teeth.

I glanced around us. People were starting to stare. I could see why — Edward's hand planted on the table, form leaning over me as we talked in harsh whispers. Another episode in the Bella and Edward show.

"Can we go somewhere more private and talk?" he asked, his free hand running frantically through his hair.

"We can't leave. This is a charity gala for the March of Dimes, and we're here to raise money and woo clients." I drained my glass in honor of finding yet another loophole that allowed me to stay in my happy state of denial a little longer. As soon as we started to talk, it would all be too real. This is why I'd avoided talking about the past with Edward. It'd been real seven years ago, and I didn't want to relive it.

"Fine." Edward stalked off towards the tables hosting the silent auction. Oh no, he was going to close my loophole, throwing money at some item to help raise money. I grabbed my clutch and wrap and made towards the door. Running, always running. I only had to run for one more night — tomorrow he would be gone again. My heart ached at the thought as I drunkenly stumbled for the exit. Heels clattered as I ran down the hotel's marble staircase.

"Bella. Bella! Bella, will you just wait?" I heard him call behind me. It made me want to run faster, but Alice's dress didn't allow for it. I wasn't ready to stop. I wasn't ready to face the truth, and I wasn't ready to let him go.

God knows what we looked like — a girl in a fancy dress running out a hotel, hot guy in a tux running after her, calling her name. However it looked, the valet saw me coming and had a cab door open and waiting. I jumped in, stuttering out my address through heaving breaths and sobs. The cab was silent except for the swish, swish of the cab's windshield wipers. While I was at the gala, a storm had enveloped Seattle in more ways than one.

I threw a twenty at the driver as we pulled up to my building. The rain was cold on my skin as I exited. Fall had well and truly arrived.

"Bella!"

I turned. Edward. He'd followed me.

"Bella, will you please wait?"

I ran and he chased me. He came for me.

"For once, would you stop running from me?"

His hands were warm on my body. The silk of the dress was heavy from the rain and clung to me like a cold, second skin.

"What do you want, Edward?"

"I want us to talk. We've been avoiding this for too long. We need to stop running and face the truth."

"What's the point? You'll be gone tomorrow." I spat out at him. I spun on my heel and went to walk away.

"I loved you, Bella. I still love you."

I stopped dead and turned back. He'd said it; his eyes are so full of anguish. I want to believe him so badly, but so much has passed between us.

"Edward, a part of me will always love you too, but you're not in love with me. You love what we used to be but that isn't who we are anymore." I take a step back to try to clear my head and think straight. "You have a girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend!" he shouted.

Anger bit at me. "Oh yeah? So who is she then? What label do you give to a woman who's in your apartment naked while you shower?"

"Tanya's my ex-girlfriend. We were together when I lived in London."

I gasped. "She's your non-business phone calls from London?" God, he was such a liar.

"Yes, she's been calling me recently."

"So what, you come to Seattle knowing I'm here and leave her in London, ready to pick her up again when you get back?"

"No!" he shouted, but I wasn't finished.

"What was the plan? Come to Seattle, tie me up in knots and break my heart again as revenge for me leaving you? Lead me on until I was hooked and then just walk away?"

"Jesus, Bella, no. I would never… There's only you. No one else, just you."

"And what about all the women in the office? Parading in and out of your office as if it's show time at the zoo. You expect me to believe that there's just me?"

I saw anger flash through his forest green eyes. Eyes so filled with anguish before, stare right through me. "Firstly, I don't invite the Eddie's girls in." My eyes opened wide in surprise. "What? You didn't think I didn't know what you called them? Bella, you are hardly subtle about it. I'm not going to be rude to them. I say 'hi' and am polite but that's all."

"Yeah, but do you have to encourage them? Especially given you have a girlfriend back in the UK," I muttered sarcastically, well aware I was sounding like a pouting teenager.

Edward yanked his wet hair in frustration. "For fuck's sake, Bella, Tanya isn't my girlfriend, not anymore. And I don't encourage the girls in the office. Anyway, you're one to talk. All the guys that fawn over you."

I let out a very undignified snort. "What guys? Deflection isn't helping your cause here."

"I know you've never really seen yourself clearly, but even you can't be that blind. The guys that hang around your office. Like John, who seems to need _every_ report he writes checked by you, in person. Or Dale in accounting who feels the need to drop into your office and congratulate you on submitting your figures on time rather than just picking up the phone. And, don't get me started on Aro. I've never seen a man so turned on – it was disgusting how he went on about you. I'm surprised I've made it this far without punching anyone out."

I snorted again and rolled my eyes. He could talk such bullshit sometimes.

"Whatever, none of that explains Tanya."

Thunder cracked overhead. Even God was pissed off at Edward. The rain grew heavier, bouncing off the deserted sidewalk. Deserted except for us two morons full-on arguing in the street.

"Fuck, how many times, Bella? She's nothing."

"Nothing doesn't parade around your apartment in a towel. Nothing doesn't fly nearly five-thousand miles for a visit." I yelled.

"I didn't know she was coming. She was meant to be in London, where I left her. Yes, we were in a relationship, but we split up two weeks before I came out to Seattle."

"How convenient for you. Did you split up with your girlfriend so you can have a bit of fun out here?"

"Jesus, is that what you think of me? I've never been like that, Bella, so why would you think that of me now?" I shrugged, lost as to where my verbal diarrhea was coming from. "Did you expect me to have been a monk? It's been seven years since we spilt up. Yeah, I dated, but Tanya was the first serious relationship I've had since you. Even then, I knew it was going nowhere. When I saw your name in the briefing document, I saw my chance to try… I don't know, to try and get you back. I couldn't leave Tanya hanging, but I had to be honest with her."

"So why has she been calling you?"

"Tanya came out here to see if there was any hope of us getting back together. I hadn't told her about you. No matter what we are now, Tanya and I were friends before anything else, and I wanted to try and salvage that. Telling her I'd left her for a possible maybe-chance that I could get my ex-girlfriend back would've only hurt her more. She was waiting for me last night, when I got home from work.

"We spent most of the day talking, in between making arrangements for me to fly back to the UK. I told her all about you, all about our past and reconnection the last couple of weeks. Even though I don't deserve it, she understands. Apparently, she's always known there was someone else, someone I couldn't let go of. She knew I was never really hers."

"That still doesn't explain why she was naked… while you were in the shower. Was it a post-fuck shower, or were you just getting cleaned up for the main event?" I bit out.

"What? How many times, Bella? There was no fucking. You said it yourself, she flew a long way. The least I could do is offer her a chance to freshen up. It'd been a shit day; my friend and colleague had been in a serious accident, and I knew I'd have to head back to the UK. I just wanted to get cleaned up so I was in the shower when you called. If you'd just told her who you were, I could have explained this earlier."

"Where did she stay in your one-bedroom apartment?" Ha, see him get out of that one?

"She stayed in a hotel. We booked her into the Inn at the Market and then went out to dinner to talk. I'm sure Tanya can provide a receipt if you don't believe me. We had dinner, and I told her all about you and how being back in Seattle has changed things. I left her at her hotel, and she phoned me this morning to tell me she had booked a ticket back to London."

"So Tanya left?"

"Yeah, her flight took off just before I showed up at the gala. So, you see, you're the only one."

My heart ached in my chest at his words and the truth in his eyes. Why couldn't I believe him? Why did I still want to push him away? Why couldn't I just let go of the past? I turned to walk away. I had to be the strong one here. If I didn't walk away, we would still be here in the morning; hanging on to the bare threads of what used to be. As much as I wanted to let myself be pulled into his arms and surrender until he was buried so deep in me, I didn't know what way was up, I just couldn't. I knew he would still be leaving me in the morning.

He reached out and grabbed my elbow, pulling me around to face him. "Don't you dare, Bella Swan. Don't you dare walk away from me again. You've got to stop running."

"I don't know if I can," I whispered, my voice barely audible over the heavy rain and the shivers from the cold that ran through my body.

"I love you."

I closed my eyes and absorbed the moment. He'd said it again — what I'd craved to hear for so long. His icy touch as he cupped my face caused my eyes to open again. He looked down at me, now a step closer, so full of honesty and, dare I think it, love.

"I've always loved you. Even when I tried not to, you were always there. I've loved you from the moment Alice introduced us. When I saw you sitting in that conference table with Garrett, I knew that I'd never stopped. As Jerry McGuire as it sounds, when I saw you there, I could finally breathe again."

As he laid his heart on the line, he'd taken tiny shuffle-steps forward until we stood water-logged toe to water-logged toe.

I let out a deep breath, the fight leaving me all at once. "I'm so fucking confused, Edward. I thought I had a handle on this so long ago, and then you come back into my life, swagger and all, and suddenly I'm not as okay as I thought I was. I've spent since Chicago thinking I had this shit all worked out, and it turns out I've been lying to myself all along. I'm not okay, I'm just not."

"Neither of us is. That's why I wanted to talk about the baby and you leaving. I wanted to answer some questions and hopefully give us a bit of closure. But, you were so fucking stubborn."

I feel the exasperation and pain in his voice, and I can't help the tears that slip down my face. "It hurt so much, I just… it still hurts. We lost our baby, Edward."

"Yes, Bella, _we_ did. And, together _we_ can put it behind us, but you have to stop running,"

"But you basically abandoned me. We could have gotten over it together seven years ago but you just checked out. You can't do that again."

He grasped my hands in his. Sparks shot through me. It was still there. It was always there.

"I won't I promise you. Like I said in your bedroom when Alice was here, I'm sorry. I was scared, but I'll never do it again."

I was on a roll so I kept going. "And you have to stop sending me all these mixed messages. Ever since you've been in Seattle, you've been all over the place. One minute you're hot." He flashes me a smug smile. "Not that kind of hot, moron. The next your all stand-offish and 'let's take it slow'. Jesus, I can't keep up."

Edward threw his arms up in exasperation. "And, and you're any better? You've batting from one extreme to the other. Just as I've convinced myself that you feel the same, you go and do something like what happened at the club."

"What? Kissing you is stupid? I was drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Like you've never made a drunken mistake."

"The kiss wasn't stupid. It was a lot of things, but it wasn't stupid. Your tirade about just being friends, however, was beyond stupid. I never wanted to be just friends with you. I want so much more."

Well that stumped me. "I know," I whispered. "I feel it too. From the moment you walked into the conference room, I felt it. That… that spark that's always been between us." I put my hand to his cheek and smiled. "See? It's there. I loved you were the man you were and I love the man you are now — this cocky, puesdo-English, successful man."

He gasped and stared right at me. "Say it again."

I gulped. Now it was my turn to shit or get off the pot.

"I love you," I whispered, almost scared of shattering the moment. Then, unintentionally, I laughed. "I love you! God, I've wanted to say it all along. I love you." I was aware how hysterical I sounded, but relief did that to you. "I love you, Edward Cullen."

Cold, near blue, lips descended on mine and stopped my rambling. Oh-so-familiar lips moved cautiously on mine, coaxing me to move with him. Just like the way his body felt against mine in Vail, I knew this dance well. Eleven years disappeared in an instant, and we were back on First Beach after prom. That first kiss full of discovery and making acquaintance. We stood in the rain, kissing and clinging to each other as if one of us might shatter at any time.

With short, chaste kisses Edward pulled away and rested his forehead on mine. "Bella," he breathed.

I ran my hand down his arm and grasped his hand in mine. Freezing fingers intertwined with mine. As we came out of our little bubble and the heat from our angry exchange faded I began to shiver. I was soaked to the bone in the middle of fall in Washington State. It was a miracle I wasn't hypothermic by now.

Tugging his hand, we moved toward the door to my apartment building. I held back a giggle as I heard Edward's Italian leather dress shoes squelch with every step he took. Even out of the rain, as we rode up in the elevator, I shivered uncontrollably. Not even Edward, who was just as cold as I was, and his hands rubbing up and down my arms could warm me any.

When the elevator stopped, the magnitude of the moment fell on me. Sure Edward had been to my apartment before, but this time meant so much more. I nervously fumbled with the key until Edward took it from me and opened the door. My apartment was warm, having set the central heating to come on an hour after I left for the gala. Edward toed off his ruined shoes and soaked soaks. Crouching beside me, he reached under my dress and slipped off my shoes one by one until the wooden floors were chilly against my bare feet. His hands lingered on my calves, trailing up to mid-thigh before descending. I slumped against the front door and shivered — this time not from cold.

Edward rose, running his hands up my body until he was flush against me, pushing me further against the door. He kissed me again, urgent and forceful. I didn't need prompting this time and met him kiss for kiss. I could feel his hardness as he ground against me, seeking friction. The constriction of my dress made it impossible, and my teeth had begun to chatter as Edward moved his kisses to the sensitive skin of my neck.

Gently, I pushed him away, smiling at his disappointed frown.

"We need to get warm."

I turned my back to him so he could undo the laces. With each inch exposed, he laid small, soft kisses down my back, causing me to squirm with desire. As soon as it was undone, the weight of the wet dress pulled it to my feet without any help. Stepping out of it, I was left in the emerald underwear Angela had admired earlier. I turned back to find Edward staring at me open-mouthed.

"You have a bit of drool just there." I joked with a smile, and then a laugh as he pretended to wipe it away.

My hands moved towards the sodden tuxedo jacket and pushed it from his shoulders. It landed with a wet slap on the bare floor. Reaching for his shirt, I pulled the pearl buttons through their holes, exposing his chest. I studied each part as it appeared, studying it as if I'd never seen it before. Noting changes from the slightly thickened hair to the toned muscles on his abs that weren't there when we were younger. As I pulled the tails of the shirt from his pants, Edward's hands started to roam my exposed body without hindering my undressing of him. His touch lit a fire on my skin, but he still couldn't rid me of the goose bumps.

I looked up at him for permission before I reached for the buttons on his pants. His face was dark and drawn as if he was trying to work out a really complicated equation or the meaning of life in his head.

"Oh, so serious." I joked in a deep voice.

His expression softened, and he gave me one of those half-cocked smiles that never failed to make me melt. The tension around us shattered and left behind a charged sexual feel in the air. There was no doubt where this was heading, both of us happy to take our time getting there.

"You're so beautiful, Bella." I blushed. "You've grown. These curves…" He tailed off as he ran his hands down my waist and over my hips, settling on my abdomen. Glancing up, I knew what his expression meant. Instead of the immense sorrow I usually felt, there was a sadness, mingled with… hope.

"You're stunning beyond words, Bella."

Edward muttered my name with such reverence; I couldn't help but blush at his adoration. I tried to concentrate on getting the zipper of his pants undone. Finally, I my trembling fingers got it unzipped, and I pushed the pants down over his hips until they too were on the floor. He was left in tight, black boxer-briefs that left little to my overactive imagination. I was glad to see some things were exactly as I'd remembered them in vivid detail. Before I lost control and jumped him right there, I reached for his hand and pulled him towards the bathroom.

Edward's gaze settled on my ass as I reached into the glass-walled shower to turn on the hot water. Letting steam build, I walked under the hot water and immediately felt my body unwind. The warmth slowly sunk into me, replacing the chill in my bones. I felt the scraggily mess of my hair smooth down my back under the pressure of the water. Edward seemed dazed for a second before joining me.

Hands reacquainted themselves with familiar skin, memorizing new curves and contours. Soft lips skated across my body, leaving an inferno in their wake. I let out tiny whimpers at his worship, unable to stand the building torture. Finally, just as I thought I would combust, he reached for my bra, deftly unhooking it and peeling the straps down my arms. It was tossed carelessly from the shower. A loud moan escaped me as Edward took a nipple into his mouth, sucking almost to the edge of pain.

I clutched his head, holding him to me. A groan vibrated though my breast as my fingers clenched painfully in his hair. "Fuck!" I drew out.

Liquid warmth flooded my body as I clawed at him, needing to be closer.

"I need… fuck, I need you, Edward. Please?" I begged.

His gaze met mine. "Here?" I nodded, my stomach clenching as his idle fingers continued to play with my other breast. "Are you sure?"

"If you don't do something more soon, I'll not be responsible for my actions," I growled out.

"Someone's a little eager."

"I swear to God, Edward…"

His playful expression disappeared in an instant. "It's not... safe. Condoms; they don't work properly in the shower."

_Oh!_

"I'm on the pill." He didn't look convinced and who could blame him. "The timing… it's okay. I'm due my period in a few days. Plus, lightening doesn't strike twice — we've been that one-percent, it's someone else's turn." I chuckled.

Despite the situation, it felt so good to joke about the past. Like we'd finally turned that corner.

"Thank fuck. I wasn't sure I could stop."

Our kisses became bruising and urgent. Edward pushed me against the tiles with his body. I gasped in surprise at the cold but still eased my body against them. His fingers walked down over my stomach and brushed against my lower lips. I should have been embarrassed as my wanton moan echoed around the shower stall, but I was more concerned with easing the ache building in me. My hips bucked, demanding more pressure as he circled my clit.

"Please, Edward. More."

He was the only person who could ever make me beg for anything. I had no shame when it came to Edward.

I grappled with his boxer-briefs like a woman possessed. I managed to get the skin-tight material down over his hips and butt cheeks but they got stuck.

"God, Bella, so wet. Always so wet."

Without warning Edward ground his partially covered cock into my center. I used the wall to support me as I jumped up a little and threw my legs around his waist. I almost had what I desperately wanted. So close but so far.

"Fuck, Bella, I need you. It's all I can think about right now."

I tried to push his underwear down further without falling flat on my ass in the shower tray.

"Jesus Christ, how fucking awkward are these things?"

"They're not supposed to be wet when you take them off, Bella."

Edward tried to take them off, just as awkwardly, with one hand. I thought he might drop me. Eventually, Edward let out a grunt in victory as he kicked them off and into the corner of the shower.

"No wearing CKs into the shower again, okay?" I joked.

Edward teased me with the head of his cock, smirking as I whimpered with each pass of my clit. My nails dug into his back as I became more and more frustrated. Slowly, he sheathed himself in me. Inch by inch he stretched me. I watched his face contort with the effort not to slam himself home. As much as I wanted, no needed, him to, I knew I would hurt later if he did. It had been a long time since I'd been stretched so far. I didn't even notice the pain as my head flew backwards into the tiles as Edward seated himself to the hilt.

"So tight, Bella. So fucking tight."

He stilled, letting me adjust to his size. With deliberate gentleness, he began to move, drawing out just to slide home again. It was so familiar and new all at the same time. He whispered quiet words against my chest where his head rested. My hands grasped tighter into his biceps as I struggled to hold on, fighting a rising tide.

We met each other thrust for thrust as I begged Edward for harder, faster… more. Our rhythm became erratic and uncoordinated.

"I'm so close, so very close. Are you there?" he panted out.

"Nearly, just…" I moaned out as my hand found my clit.

With one last thrust, I felt Edward come inside me allowing me to chase my own relief. Watching Edward come had always the most erotic sight I'd ever seen.

It could have been hours, but more like minutes, we leaned against the tiles, letting the final ripples of our orgasms roll over us. Edward kissed me, stealing my gasping breaths. Edward's wet, sated body covering mine as the shower rained down on us. Slowly, we detangled ourselves, and I slid down his body until my feet touched the floor again. Even as I felt exhaustion creep into my bones, sparks from the skin on skin contact had my body awake and purring again. Edward's hands caressed my arms as if he wasn't ready to let go of me yet.

My body hummed in contentment. Like it had found what it'd been looking for all the years we'd been apart. Our connection was so familiar, yet new at the same time. The passion between us was so much more acute. His grunts and moans so telling — he held nothing back. I could learn my beautiful man all over again.

"Are you okay?"

I raised my eyes to his, my lids heavy from the lust stirring in me. "Umm, better than okay. It's never… not since…" My mind-blowing orgasm left me speechless, but Edward nodded, getting what I was trying to say – he always had. I grinned as I slammed my palm down on the taps, halting the now-cooling spray.

"Stay?" I asked softly, my eyes to the ground. I was still so unsure of myself. He'd told me he loved me but this all could have been casual for him. He was heading home tomorrow and it could have all been 'goodbye-and-thanks-for-the-memories' sex.

"I can't be anywhere else, Bella. I _don't_ _want_ to be anywhere else."

He grabbed a fluffy towel and set about drying me off from my feet to my head, planting kisses as he went. After drying himself, he wrapped me in a fresh towel and carried me through to my bedroom. Thankfully, Angela had tidied up behind me after our make-over session before the gala. Edward laid me reverently on my bed before climbing up beside me and pulling me to him. His hands wandered lazily up and down my arms, sometimes pausing so his fingertips could trace out invisible words. His touch and the warmth of his body lured me nearer to sleep. The words every woman dreads brought me to with a start.

"Bella, we need to talk".

_**For more information on the charity mentioned in the chapter, March of . **_**A wonderful and very worthwhile cause that is dear to OOEG's heart.**

**Thanks as always to Malloyknoxx, JMolly, and Kibby for their most awesome pre-reading and beta skills. Especially thanks to Adri, who wrote with me for nearly 10 hours on last Saturday. Helped me finish BU!**

**A little bit of news. I've written two outtakes and published them as their own story called 'The Mistakes We Make.' The first one is up so go check them out - they're in EPOV so you know you want to. **

**FINALLY, i promise. I am starting the outline on my next story and need help. I'm looking for someone who can advise me on end-stage cancer in one of my characters, who also would won't mind pre-reading. PM me if you're up for it.**


	17. Home Is

**WARNING: Apparently, this chapter requires a tissue warning...so you've been warned!**

* * *

_Another aeroplane_  
_Another sunny place_  
_I'm lucky, I know_  
_But I wanna go home_  
_Mmmm, I've got to go home_

_Let me go home_  
_I'm just too far from where you are_  
_I wanna come home_

_**Michael Bublé - Home**_

* * *

_**Previously on Between Us**_

_His hands wandered lazily up and down my arms, sometimes pausing so his fingertips could trace out invisible words. His touch and the warmth of his body under mine lured me nearer to sleep. The word every woman dreads brought me to with a start._

"_Bella, we need to talk". _

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen - Home Is...**

My body stiffened, and I clutched the towel tighter around my body. Edward felt the change, and he moved to grip my wrist. Not hard enough to hurt, but more as a light grasp to hold me where I was.

"Remember, no more running," he whispered.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to relax. How bad could it be? I'd thought I'd lost him forever once already, and I'd survived. I could do so again. Edward maneuvered us until we were lying flat, my body on top of his — chest to chest with my head tucked under his chin. His arms wrapped round me, either in comfort or to stop me fleeing. Obviously, my cautious stance gave him cause for concern.

"What do we need to talk about?" I asked, my voice high-pitched and full of tells.

"This. Us. Everything."

"So, just a small list of things then," I tried to joke but it fell flat. Despite the uneasy tension that surrounded us, I felt safe. We were in our own little bubble, where anything could be said. I had to trust Edward; that he wouldn't pull away from me again. Trust him that we were both learning the lessons of our past.

"Well, we can start with these bruises. What the hell happened?"

I tried to hide the now-yellow bruises that still remained. The worst of them were on my arms. Thankfully, the ones on my hips had faded almost completely.

"I, um, I…" I really didn't want to talk about this now. Not lying in bed with Edward after the amazing experience we'd just had. "I need you to trust me when I ask that we talk about this another time, because this isn't the time or the place."

"You're scaring me, Bella."

"The guy at the club, the one you pulled me away from." My voice was timid and my body tense.

"He did this to you?" Edward all but yelled. His lowered his voice when he saw me flinch. "What happened?"

"He, um, we. I was angry at you and so drunk. I went home with him." I felt Edward draw away with me. "Nothing happened. I got the bruises fighting to get away from him." I turn slightly so I could face him. "I said no, Edward. I couldn't… He was just there, but I couldn't go through with it. I only wanted you. I know alcohol isn't an excuse, but it's all I've got."

"Jesus, Bella, you could have been seriously hurt, or worse. You, fuck, Bella, you need to be more careful. God, the thought that something could happen to you!" He ran his hands through his hair. His arms went to reach for me several times before withdrawing. Finally, he wrapped them around me, hugging me so tight I could barely breathe. It only lasted a couple of seconds before he released me.

My body slumped in relief. He trusted that I'd said no. He was only angry about what James had done. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For trusting me."

"Bella, I've always trusted you. But, don't think that we've finished with this – not by a long shot. You can bet we're going to talk about it later. Right now, we have bigger things to discuss. Bella, you know I still have to go back to London. With Eric out, the company needs to make sure someone is on the ground to reassure the clients." He spoke slowly, as if talking to a small child – fragile and scared.

"I know. Garrett explained." I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I was wrong, so wrong. It could get worse. He was going to leave me all over again. My eyes burned as I lost the battle to keep my tears at bay. Silently, they trickled down my cheeks.

"Oh, Bella. Baby, please don't cry. I don't want to leave you. God, if I could, I'd stay right here with you, but I can't. I've just got you back, and already I have to let you go. I don't think I'd survive if you left me again."

I whimpered at his words, clawing at his skin as if I could keep him with me just by holding on to him. I found Edward's hand and laced my fingers through his, grounding myself to him. "Yeah, we do need to talk, but can I go first with the serious stuff?"

"Of course." He tightened his grip on me.

"I need to know things will be different this time. I'm not just talking about babies, I mean you just pulling away and not even trying to talk to me about it."

"Things will be different this time. I promise. But it works both ways."

I could understand his pain, but I also understood his guilt. We'd both walked away from our relationship in one way or another. At some point we needed to draw a line under our past and look towards what our future could be. I didn't want to live in our past, but I had to admit we couldn't move on with our past still unresolved.

I took a breath, steeling myself for what I was going to say next. "I'm going to start seeing a therapist again." His confused face would have made me laugh if things weren't so serious. I'd never been the biggest advocate of therapy. Growing up in Charlie's no nonsense household made me cynical of talking to strangers about my problems. "I know, I know, but I need to talk to someone."

"Again? I thought therapy didn't sit well with you."

"I saw someone when I came back to Seattle after Chicago. She was a great therapist, but I was so against it I didn't get any benefit from it. I missed appointments, sat there unresponsive when I did go and eventually just stopped all together."

"Then why did you go in the first place?"

I knew from Edward's tone, he wasn't been accusatory. "Charlie, of all people, kinda forced me. After I told him about the miscarriage and why we split up, he asked if I'd spoken to any of the support groups. When I told him I hadn't, he was so concerned. My insurance with MB gave me access, so Charlie "strongly suggested" that I utilize it. When we both realized it wasn't helping, I stopped going."

"You know, Carlisle made me sit down with someone when I was in London?"

I shook my head.

"I got a little, um, self-destructive. Well Carlisle thought it was self-destructive, I thought I was just being a typical college guy who'd finally found freedom. I was drinking a lot and partying even harder. He didn't know what'd happened between us but he knew it was why I was acting out."

I tried to imagine what he'd been like, but it wasn't a side of Edward I'd ever seen so I couldn't quite picture it. "Did it help? I mean to sit down and talk with someone?"

"Yeah, I guess. I saw her for about three years. We talked about you, and about what happened with the baby. I know now my response was normal, but it doesn't justify the shitty way I handled things. It brought up stuff like how I was scared to fail in the eyes of my parents and I guess I still am. I still haven't told them what happened."

"Yeah, about that; I told Alice," I muttered, shyly.

Edward chuckled, his chest vibrating under me. "I know. She came home from the spa and just hugged me for a really long time. Then she tried to beat the shit out me for what happened at the club – me asking to take it slow, I mean. That girl has some serious power in her tiny fists. We spent most of the night talking about it. Alice never ceases to surprise me with how big her heart is."

"Maybe we can tell Carlisle and Esme together?"

I felt Edward smile and kiss my hair. "I like the sound of that – together."

"Do you still go to therapy?"

"Not really. It's not a big thing in the UK, like it is here. I see a therapist for a six-month "check-up", but I don't see her like I used to. I think what I got out of it most was the tools to cope with things better."

"Would you come with me? To therapy?"

Edward let go of my hands and wrapped his arms tight around me. "Of course, whatever you need. I have to ask, though…" He hesitated. "What… what is this to you, Bella? What are we?" I looked up at him, speechless. Right for the jugular then. "Because for me this is it. All those years that I thought about you. Wondered what you were doing, if you were okay. I'd see families eating out in restaurants and wonder if you had a husband and maybe kids. That maybe you were happy. I wanted you to be happy, and those thoughts made it bearable, but I wished it were me. The dreams of the life we could have had together haunted me, but now maybe they could be real."

A small smile graced my face at the thought. "You would stay here with me?"

"How else could I come to therapy with you? I can't stay right now, but I would come back, if you wanted me to."

"Of course I want you to. I want all that and more. God, Edward. I want you. I want the dream; the marriage, the kids, growing old together, the porch swing. All the years we've missed… I just… I can't hope again. If you don't come back, I don't know what I'll do."

Edward growled and flipped us so I was under him. His hands held my wrists firmly at either side of my head. "You have to believe me, Bella; I'm coming back to you." His eyes begged me to believe him. "I've just found you again, and I'm not letting you get away from me."

It wasn't meant to, but his vow stung. "I know it's my fault. I know I was the one that hurt you by walking away." I turned away from his intense stare.

"That wasn't what I meant. Look at me?" he both questioned and begged, gently moving my face to meet his gaze again. "I've tried living without you, but it wasn't really living. I just concentrated on getting from one day to the next. We might've spent my time so far in Seattle fighting and jumping to conclusions, but I haven't felt this alive in years."

"I could come with you. You know, back to live in London."

Edward's grip on my wrists lessened as he softly smiled down at me. "You can't. You need to be here to look after the Volturi account while I'm away. Plus, I'm not moving back to Seattle just for us. Bella, I'm twenty-nine, and I want to settle down a bit. Seattle has always felt like my home. I want to see more of my family than weekly Skype calls. I'm gonna be an uncle — cool Uncle Edward. I have a nephew who needs spoiling with cuddles and guidance, not some stranger who sends gifts on special occasions. Our kids deserve the same in return."

A gasp caught in my throat and my eyes filled with new tears. "You want kids with me?"

"I want a whole football team with my crazy hair and your beautiful brown eyes." I laughed, feeling the weight lift slightly at the thought. "Grandpa Charlie can teach them to fish, and help me when boys come sniffing around our daughters. Let's just hope they don't inherit your klutziness."

"You've really thought about this, huh?"

"I told you that night in the Prohibition bar that I'd imagined kids with you. I want it now as much as I did back in college."

I closed my eyes and imagined the life he was describing. I wanted it so much my heart ached; the house with a white picket fence, kids and two hyper dogs, and that porch where we'd grow old. All the chaos with Edward by my side.

His hands moved to interlace with mine. "What do you say?"

"Yes! I want it all too. But, can we negotiate on the football team? I don't know if my body could take that many kids."

Edward laughed. God, I'd missed that smile so much. "Let's just have fun practicing, and we can negotiate later." He reached down, planting a sweet kiss on the tip of my nose before whispering in my ear. "Now, about that practicing?"

We made love all night; all slow and in no rush to find the end. I reacquainted myself with each and every nuance of his body, worshipping him like he had me. Honoring every mark that made my man who he was. We finally collapsed into bed in the early hours of the morning. I fell asleep content as Edward ran his fingers through my hair and stroked my skin.

x-x-x-x

"Bella?" a voice called, hazy and distant. "Bella, baby, you have to wake up."

A hand cupped my cheek as familiar lips placed chaste kisses on mine. "Edward?"

"Come on, baby. I need you to wake up now. My cab's here."

I sprung awake to find Edward dressed, in his tux shirt and pants, sitting on the bed beside me. Cab? Then I remembered; he was going back to London.

"No!" I cried as I reached out to him and grabbed his shirt in my fists. "No, no, no," I muttered into the material, tears streaming down my face.

"Bella, I'm so sorry." He pulled me into his arms. "I don't want to go, but I'll be back soon."

"Then stay." The anguish on his face nearly killed me, but I just couldn't comprehend letting him go again.

"I can't, baby, you know that." He hugged me tighter. "Three weeks, and I'll be back. Then I promise I'll never leave you again. I'll be back for keeps."

"Three weeks?" I asked, my voice so small and lost.

"I swear, not a day more."

I could feel his tears, wet on the top of my head as we held on tight. Eventually, he let me go.

"I have to go, or I won't have enough time to go back to my apartment and I'll miss my flight."

Reluctantly, I let him go as well, gripping the sheet to me as an anchor. "You'll call me?"

"Of course I will. I'll call you before I board and again when I land. I'll call you every day I'm away."

He got up off the bed, after kissing me goodbye. I closed my eyes, unable to watch, and didn't open them again until I heard the front door close. The silence kept me company as I lay in my bed, the ache of physical loneliness overwhelming me until Edward called from the airport. We tried small talk, but instead descended into silence. Listening to each other breathe until a crew member told him to turn his phone off as they were ready for take-off.

I cried myself to sleep in a fit of exhaustion. The doorbell incessantly ringing woke me up. For a split second, I thought Edward had come back, but the plane had been taxiing towards the runway when he'd hung up so it was impossible. I dragged myself from the bed, the sheets still smelling of Edward and sex, and shuffled towards the front door.

"Thank fuck, it's about time you answered the damn… Jesus Bella, you look like crap!" Emily exclaimed. "No offence. I mean the sweats and over-sized sweater get-up is a bit too cliché."

While waiting for Edward's call, I'd wanted some warmth and comfort whilst lying in my empty bed. I wasn't actually wearing a sloppy joe. It was an old hoodie of Edward's I'd stolen when we were together in college. It was his college baseball team hoodie with 'Cullen' across the back in faded white letters. I'd taken it with me when I'd left for Chicago — the only thing of his I took. Fisting the hoodie in my hands, I began to cry again.

"Oh shit, B, I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry." Emily seemed to hesitate momentarily before she pulled into a fierce hug. I clung on to her for dear life. "It'll be okay, you'll see."

We stood in my living room clamped together for nearly ten minutes before I calmed down enough to let her go and sit down.

"Not that I'm not glad to see you, but what are you doing here?"

"Well after neither you nor Edward reappeared after your Cinderella disappearance, I figured something major was going down. Is it true Edward chased after you in a cab?"

I nodded. "Wait. How'd you know about that?"

"I got concerned and went looking for you. It's amazing how much gossip I can get out of the valets for twenty bucks and a flutter of my eyelashes. Also with Edward going back to the UK today, I kinda thought you'd be in pieces." I looked at her in disbelief. "Oh please, Bella. As I've said, you haven't exactly been subtle about how you feel about Edward. I know if Garrett had to go back to somewhere like the UK, I'd be well into a bottle of tequila. Speaking of which—" She pulled out a bottle of tequila from behind her back. "I brought the good stuff."

"Jeeze, it's only…" I trailed off looking at my watch. "Okay, so it's six PM. How about we order up some pizza to go with the alcohol. Line the stomach and all that?"

Emily turned out to be exactly what I needed. She distracted me with stories of her and Garrett. Due to our working relationship, I'd never felt comfortable calling Emily out on her relationship. While we were good friends, I wasn't the type to delve into other people's business. She would have come to me when she was ready. Turns out that they'd been together for six months and the gala was their opportunity to come out of the proverbial closet. On Monday, Garrett was going to speak to HR and make sure that they were aware. Luckily, Emily had looked into it and, because I was Emily's direct boss, there was no breach of the inter-office relationship policy at MacKenzie Brown.

It was so alien seeing Emily all girly and gushing. My normally straight talking friend was blushing and stuttering her way through Garrett's finer points and their secret romantic weekends away. Instead of feeling the pangs of missing Edward, I was looking forward to rediscovering the joys of dating. The nervous first kisses in sheltered doorways. Hesitant hand-holding and the secret glances in the movie theatre.

"So, next weekend, Garrett is going to take me to Bainbridge Island to meet his parents." Emily had paled a little and taken a hearty shot of tequila.

"That's… that's good, right?"

"Yeah, I mean, we both want more. We've been talking about going public for a while, and Garrett's mentioned me not renewing the lease on my apartment when it's up in a couple of months."

I couldn't help but let out a squeal for my friend. "This is a good thing, Em. It's a great thing."

"I know that. But it's his parents. What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm not good enough for their son?"

"Firstly, Garrett's a thirty-nine year old man. He is more than capable of judging your character for himself, and he loves you. Secondly, of course they're going to love you. They'd be nuts not to."

"I just… It's a big step. What was it like for you? You know, meeting Edward's parents?"

"It was different for me. Edward and I were best friends long before anything else. When we got together at college, we kept it to ourselves for a while at first. Our first trip back to Forks, Carlisle caught us making out in the greenhouse."

"Oh my God, no way? What happened?"

I let out a peal of laughter at the memory. "Carlisle stood there looking devastated, while I tried not to die of embarrassment. So he calls for Esme, who, after jumping up and down with glee, hits Carlisle up for twenty bucks. She'd had a wager with Carlisle since Edward had mentioned meeting up again at UDub. Carlisle's devastated face was because he'd lost the bet. I was mortified and Carlisle relearned the lesson of betting against his wife."

"Oh, poor Daddy C. Well it can't go any worse than that. Thanks, Bella."

Emily succeeded in distracting me long enough for Edward to call from London as he was in a cab heading back to his apartment. Luckily, the guy sub-letting it was a friend of his, and he was cool about sharing the apartment for the time being. Even though he was dog-tired, Edward stayed on the phone with me until I cried myself to sleep.

I went back to work the next day with a hangover, but was in good company with Emily. Garrett paid us a visit just to shake his head and chuckle. Like I'd said to Edward, it was time for me to deal with the past and move on. I'd pushed it way under the guise of not being a fan of raking up the past, but I had more than myself to consider these days.

I'd looked up my previous therapist, Zafrina Silva. Zafrina didn't work out of an office building. Instead, she was based in one of the few old residential properties still standing in the center of the city. She was an excellent therapist, despite my reluctance to participate. Her warm demeanor was reassuring, and now I was actually open to this, welcoming.

"Bella, how wonderful to see you again. It's been a long time. Why don't you come in and make yourself at home?"

Her home was, well, homey. Neutral, subtle, floral wallpaper. Very Pottery Barn-esque home wares and a photo gallery of what may have been her family displayed up the stairs to the second floor. She showed me through to what was meant to look like a living room, but was actually her consultation room. The look of it put me at ease straight away as I sank gratefully into one of the over-stuffed sofas. Zafrina sat across from me but there was no notebook in her hand or recording devices. It was like we were two friends just chatting.

"So, Bella, what can I do for you?"

And that was the million dollar question. "I, um, I need to talk someone to about, um, my past."

"Well, you're in the right place." We both laughed. "Are you more open to the prospect of therapy this time? You know this only works if you're open to it."

I nodded. "I have a reason to, now."

Her eyebrow shot into her forehead, but she smiled at me. "Okay. So you want to talk about the same thing as before? The baby and Edward?" I nod again. "But before we get started on the past, how are you today?"

I kind of did a double take. This isn't what I expected. "I'm fine, I think."

"You think?"

"My boy... My...Whatever he is, left to go back to England. I'm missing him, I guess?"

"You're whatever?" She chuckled. "Surely you know what he is."

"Well, he's my ex-boyfriend, I mean it's Edward. You already know we met in college, but he recently came back into my life. We, you know?" I could feel a heavy blush creep over my face.

"Had sex? You're a grown woman, Bella. You shouldn't be embarrassed about sleeping with your ex."

"Well, that's the thing, he's not really my ex anymore. He's gone back to the UK to tie up loose ends and he's coming back to Seattle. We're going to give it another try." I smiled just thinking about him.

"And Edward is the main part of the past you want to talk about?"

"Yeah, I just don't know where to start. It's all jumbled together."

Zafrina sat forward in her seat. "Do me a favor. Take a deep breath and just let it out. Disable whatever verbal filter you have and let loose."

My verbal filter only disappeared while under the influence of tequila.

"Come on, just let it go."

Fine! I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and opened my mouth. "I lost our baby when I was in my last year of college and we split up, which you know, and now he's back and says he loves me and wants to be with me. Now, I'm so scared." I said in one long ramble before hiding my head in my hands.

Zafrina gave me a small smile a she tented her fingers and stared at me. "Wow, that's a lot for you to let out, huh? Did you ever talk to Edward like I recommended?"

"No, I haven't seen him again for over seven years."

"Okay, well let's start with Edward coming back. Tell me what happened."

I explained the whole thing. From walking into the conference room, to Vail and the fight after the gala. "So, he left on Sunday, saying he's coming back and he promises things will be different. Saying it all out loud makes me feel more than a little overdramatic." I laughed nervously.

"You're not being a drama queen. People handle their lives in their own ways and nobody has the right to tell you that your problems are any bigger or smaller than theirs. It's all relative. My biggest query is that you said you're scared. What are you scared of?"

There were so many things, I couldn't pin point just one reason. "I don't know. It's no one thing. Is it possible to be scared of everything?"

"Okay, well let's start by pinning down a couple. Are you scared he'll wig-out again if things get a little out of his comfort zone? Is it your scared to let him, or anyone, back in in case he breaks your heart again? Or is it you're scared you'll run?"

Well that had me stumped. Where was option D, all of the above? "You know, Edward says that too. That I run. I've never really thought about it before. I mean, I know I just bailed, but it wasn't as if our relationship wasn't already over."

"We discussed this before, and I'm going to say the same thing I did back then. Bella, you never gave it a chance to be fixed. Neither of you talked about it before you left. Yes, you were both grieving, but you never grieved together."

"So, it's my fault that we failed? Because I left." I could feel myself becoming defensive.

"I never said anything about failure. A relationship ending isn't failure. Some relationships just don't work out. That's why so very few of us marry our first loves. I'm saying that you and Edward lost sight of what a relationship is – a team effort. There was no communication, no effort to work through it. Just this detached acceptance that it was over."

"I'd never been able to look at our relationship like a third party. My dad and friends suggested that I put myself in his shoes, but I never could. I just saw my boyfriend telling me to get an abortion and then blaming me when I miscarried."

"I don't know Edward at all, but I do know human nature. We all react to life-changing events or news in one common way – confusion. While you said you had a million things going through your mind when you saw the positive test, so did he. But you never talked about what those thoughts were. From the start you didn't communicate."

It was as if someone lifted a veil from my eyes. I could honestly see what she was talking about. The conversation in my bedroom when Alice visited proved that I had no idea at all what Edward went through in those four months before I left.

"What if he doesn't like what I have to say, will he leave me?" My voice was small and I felt the cold creep along my veins like ice.

"Oh, Bella, it isn't a case of him liking what you have to say. Honestly, some of the things you both have to say won't go down well with either of you. You'll scream, you'll shout, you'll cry, and you'll hug. The point is that you both say what you have to with no fear of judgment or lies and you'll do it together."

"It won't be easy."

"That's the point. The things that are really worth it are seldom easy. Now, you mentioned that Edward would be coming back to Seattle. Do you think he would be open to therapy as well?"

"He actually saw a therapist while he lived in London. But, he said he'd come with me to see you. That we'd do this together." I couldn't help the wide smile as I remembered our conversation in my bed…naked. The things we did to get naked.

Zafrina returned my smile. "Now that's a smile I want to see more often. I can't wait to meet the young man I've heard so much about."

"Oh, don't let him dazzle you. He's very…pretty." I rolled my eyes, but they were contradicted by my smug smile.

"When will your "whatever" be back?"

"My man," I said firmly. "He's my man. All mine. He said he'll be back in three weeks."

"You have to trust that he will, Bella. I know you think words don't have much weight sometimes, so let his actions show you his true intentions."

I left Zafrina's with a spring in my step. A total change from how I used to leave her home. I was beginning to understand. It wasn't just Edward who had to prove himself – I did too. In the end, I was the one who walked away, and I needed to show him that I'd changed too. Zafrina had certainly given me something to think about

x-x-x-x

Another big red cross on my calendar. I'd marked out the twenty-one days until Edward was back in Seattle - back with me. We'd talked every night, well my night and his very early morning. I'd taken Zafrina's advice on board and we started to actually talk about those hellish four months. It wasn't so much the events we went over, but more how we were feeling at the time. Edward had been in full on panic mode and was too busy weighing consequences to actually think about being a father.

We'd talked about the intervening years between when we'd last saw each other. It felt good just to be able to talk like friends, banter around and make each other laugh. Right now, those big crosses were the only thing keeping me going. Eleven down and ten to go.

Today had been a shitter of a day. First it was month-end so my day was fucked from the moment I got in to the office. Then the servers went down. Who knew we'd become so reliant on computers, there was nothing I could do with just a paper and a pen. I couldn't even process the raw data spreadsheets without having the sort by the data button. I had two meetings off-site and it decided to, in typical Seattle fashion, pour down with rain. I didn't have an umbrella and all the cabs were taken. Not to mention a tough second session with Zafrina

Just when my fucktastic day couldn't get any worse, Edward sent me a text during one of my meetings saying he'd finished work at two AM and needed to sleep so he would call me in my morning. As it was, I was sitting on my couch contemplating opening a bottle of wine. Somewhere in the deepest recess of my purse, I could hear my phone ringing. I scrambled across the sofa thinking that maybe Edward couldn't sleep without talking to me. Sometimes my ego knew no bounds. Finally I found it way down at the bottom.

_ALICE CALLING_

My heart sank.

"Hello, Alice."

"Bella boo. You sound so blue." I heard her squeal. "Oh my God, that rhymed."

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were drunk."

"Don't be silly. I'm not allowed. God, I miss coffee though. I take to smelling Jasper's in the mornings."

"So, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"What? I can't phone up my once best friend and gossip?"

"Sure you can, and when you're calling to do that, I'll participate. So, what can I do you for you, really?"

"I talked to Edward and he mentioned he wouldn't get a chance to talk to you tonight, so I thought I'd fill in instead."

"You talked to him?" I couldn't help but pout. I was being ridiculous but I couldn't help it.

"Not so much talked. We caught up over IM when he was in a cab on the way home."

"Ah, I see. How are you?"

"I'm good, really good. I'm in that super horny stage. Poor Jasper is all worn out! I have a scan tomorrow, and we're still debating whether or not we find out the gender."

"God, Alice. TMI on Jasper. I'm still shocked you didn't have the gender at the first scan. Color matching all your baby accessories and what not. You could've been one of those designers that branches out into baby wear."

"Nope, strictly full-sized clothing for me. So, how are you?"

"Fine."

"Puh-lease, we all know what fine means. How are you really?"

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. "I miss him so much it hurts sometimes."

"Oh, Bella boo. Bad day?"

"You could say that." I laughed sarcastically. "Just a rough session with my therapist."

"You want to talk about it?"

"That's what she said," I deadpanned.

"Funny. Seriously though?"

Normally I would have talked this through with Edward, but I wouldn't be able to sleep unless I told someone about it. "We were talking through my concerns about how Edward and I go back to being a couple. I got really upset because she said I was still seeing what happened in the past as a failure."

"I agree with her. It wasn't a failure."

"I know deep inside it wasn't, but I left because Edward and I just weren't working anymore. We existed in this silent bubble, and I just couldn't take it. I lost our baby and then I lost him."

"You lost each other, Bella. You were both grieving and sadly you didn't grieve together. The main thing is now that you and my brother are trying to put your relationship back together, you don't make the same mistakes. You can't treat this like going back to your old relationship and picking up the broken pieces. Honey, no matter how many times you try to glue a mirror back together, you'll still see the cracks. This has to be a restart. Learn from the mistakes of the past but don't live with them in your shadow."

"I don't know how to. I feel like I've been dragging this around like a ball and chain. Edward called me on it, but I don't know how to let it go."

"I don't know what to suggest, that's what your therapist is for. But, I would try your damnedest to draw a line under the time before you went to Chicago and be vigilant not to let it interfere in whatever you build from now on."

Alice's words registered as similar to what Zafrina had said. I knew what to do, it was taking someone else say it before I'd admit to it.

"You believe him when he says he's coming back, right? I mean he's put in for a transfer to Seattle and he's waiting to hear back. His apartment is on the market but its just as sucky in the UK as it is here."

"I know. My boss, Garrett, mentioned that they're just dotting the "I"s and crossing "T"s on it and we'll know by the end of the week."

"See? Progress. Why don't you come out to New York this weekend and let Jasper and me distract you?"

"I'll be fine, Alice. I have a bottle of Merlot with my name on it. It's ten days. I've waited seven years, what harm can a couple more days do?"

Who the fuck did I think I was kidding? Ten days was hell...and I still had another two to go. The others had gone out for Friday night drinks, but I wasn't the best company. I had the weekend to clean and pace around my near-empty apartment until Edward flew in on Sunday night. His transfer had been approved; boxes of stuff had been shipped ahead but wouldn't arrive for another week or so. He was actually coming. Edward was coming home, to me.

I was dressed in sweats, elbows deep in hot water as I Spring cleaned my kitchen cupboards. Alice joked I was joining her in nesting, but I just needed the distraction. Katrina and the Waves'_ Walking on Sunshine _was playing loudly through the apartment as I shook my booty while wearing pink rubber gloves. What had my life come to if this was what I did with my Friday nights? Eighties music gave way to a bit of vintage Backstreet Boys as they told me that they had it going on, when the door bell rang. Strange, I wasn't expecting anyone.

I turned off the music and made for the front door. As per the Chiefs endless drills, I made sure the chain was on the door and then looked through the peephole. On seeing who it was, I wrenched open the door, the lock slipping in my wet gloves.

"Edward! You're here. What are you doing here?"

"That's the welcome I get?"

I threw myself at him, the two suitcases he'd been carrying fell to the floor with a thud. He caught me under the ass as my legs wrapped around his waist.

"You're here. You're really here!" I smothered his face with sloppy kisses and he awkwardly walked us back into my apartment.

"Now that was the greeting I was looking for." He dropped backwards onto the couch so I was left straddling.

"What…? I thought…" I stuttered.

"I couldn't wait. I was a useless mess so my boss, well my ex-boss, told me just to take my last day off. So I went home, packed what was left into my suitcases and caught the first flight here."

I looked down. He was still wearing a suit and, as I took a deep sniff of him, I could smell that slightly musty, forty-eight-hour-worn clothing smell. I started to pull at his tie and push his jacket off his shoulders.

"Damn, Swan, I've been here less than ten minutes and you're already trying to get me naked? I like your way of thinking." He started to shrug out his clothes himself.

"Ha ha. You smell like an airplane. You have to be exhausted, I mean you must have been on the go near twenty-four hours? Why don't you get out of these clothes and take a shower?"

He took the limp tie out of my hands and pulled me towards him. "Fuck, Bella, I've missed you more than you'll ever know."

"But you're here now," I whispered.

He placed his forehead against mine and stared me deep in the eyes. "I'm not going to let anything come between us ever again."

"Me neither."

* * *

**So that's it. Just the epilogue to go...oh and an outtake or two. Firstly, thank you to my amazing reviewers. I'm a fail at review replies...but i love and read every single one i promise. You guys have brought me back off the ledge more than once! That being said, and i can't believe i am about to say this, i am outing one reviewer in particular for not nice reasons. Lakegirl, sweets, if you don't like my characters, that's fair enough, but what i can't understand is why after telling me how pathetic my characterisation is chapter after chapter, you still continue to read my story...and the flaming outtakes! Just stop already!**

**Most humble thanks go, from the bottom of my ice-cold heart, to JMolly, MalloryKnoxx, OneofEddiesGirls, and Kibby (who beta's like a mad woman!). **

**See ya all next time for the epilogue!**


	18. Coming Full Circle

**Prepare for a long-ass A/N at the end!**

* * *

**Epilogue – Coming Full Circle**

_Nearly a year later..._

I smoothed down the silk of my dress. I didn't know why my hands were sweaty. Well, that was a lie; I knew why I was nervous, but the sweaty palms thing was new. Usually during anxious moments, I just rambled random thoughts or tried to jump Edward. Neither was an option at the moment. Not for lack of trying, mind you. Edward had tried to get me out of my dress several times, but the intricate satin-covered buttons and the lace detail frustrated him to distraction. Alice had created the ultimate quickie cock-blocking dress.

Edward reached over and squeezed my hand as if he could sense my unease. I lifted my head and caught his gaze. As always, when I looked at my beautiful man, a smile spread across my face.

"You okay?" he mouthed.

I barely got a chance to answer before the doors in front of us opened.

"Please stand for the bride and groom."

The last eleven months had been nothing short of amazing. Full of more ups and downs than a roller coaster, but luckily there'd been more ups than downs.

The weekend that Edward returned to Seattle, after tying up the loose ends of his life in London, we'd barely left the apartment. Hell, the only time we left my, _our_, bed was to seek sustenance and coffee, and even that was only to go as far as the kitchen. Our sexual passion certainly hadn't wavered, and I was relieved to find that our night together after the gala wasn't a caught-in-the-moment thing.

He seemed to read my body instantly. The thing that surprised me the most was that side of our love-making wasn't like it was in college. We'd been so inexperienced, and our love life had fallen into a rut, as would be expected with two busy students. This time we took the time to learn each other. Mapping every inch of each other's bodies — what made the other sigh or moan, where _that _spot was that would make the body vibrate and tense all at once. Edward would whisper in my ear words so dirty they'd make me blush right to my toes but still I craved them. And it turned out that Edward was a bonified snuggler. I came home late from a business trip to find him curled around my pillow, deep breathing in my scent. He only let go when I climbed into bed beside him, and he pulled me so tight to his chest, I struggled to breathe. The changes in our sex-life had taken time. More so for Edward than me. His touch and words helped me overcome the insecurities of my changed body pretty quickly. Our therapist, Zafrina, told us that his need to be gentle with me stemmed from trying to make amends for the past. I loved the closeness, but I wished sometimes he would cave to that rawness I could feel bubbling below the surface. But, Edward's reverence of me led him to treat me with the softest of kid gloves and a fragility that I certainly didn't need. It all came to a head one night when I came home tipsy drunk after a night out with my girls.

_The cab driver watched me skeptically in his rear view mirror the whole way home. I think he was concerned the drunken light-weight was going to vomit all over his not-so-clean seats! I wasn't that kind of drunk though. After a night out of dancing and gossip with Emily, Jessica and Angela, I was very much in my giggly-drunk stage. We'd found the trashiest club playing pop songs from the nineties and early two thousands. We were in our teenage year's heaven. Eventually, the time hit three AM and the club closed for the night. We were still buzzing, but not enough to motivate finding another club. After pouring ourselves into cabs, we went our separate ways. I was horny as all hell and just wanted my man._

_I leaned forward and gave the driver Edward's address. When Edward moved back to Seattle, he stayed with me until he found an apartment of his own. We were in no way ready to jump back into living together. Still, he was only a five minute drive away from me, and I had my own key. I shoved way too much money at the driver as I stumbled from the cab and into Edward's Art Deco building. Nothing registered in my brain about three AM being an unsuitable time to wake up one's boyfriend. He'd been in Portland all week. Rather than driving the three hours each way, he'd decided just to stay there for the week. _

_I'd missed him terribly. It'd been the first time we'd been apart since Edward moved back. He'd phoned me every night, but the sound of his voice was no substitute, for his warm arms and soft kisses. Though, that wasn't what I wanted tonight. However, one thing stood in the way of my horny relief — the door. I fumbled with the keys, squinting in a hope to improve my aim and get the damn thing in the lock. The only problem was it seemed to be moving further away from me._

_I looked up. Edward stood in front of me, shirtless and looking all sleep rumpled. Sex on legs. He looked me up and down, his eyes widening in surprise when he saw it was one of the rare occasions I was wearing high heels._

_"Hi." His voice was all gravely and not helping the wet feeling flooding my pussy. _

_"Hi!" I really was an articulate drunk. "I was trying to, um..." I trailed off, holding up the guilty key._

_"So I see." His smile was playful, slightly smug, but totally kissable as he leaned against the door frame...shirtless._

_"It's just that I was out with my girls, and I hadn't seen you in a reallyyyy long time. I was feeling really horny, so I thought I would come see my man."_

_"Is this a booty call, Bella?"_

_I was affronted. I'd just told him I really missed him, and he thinks it's a booty call. How dare he? __Then again, I did call because I was horny. Honestly! Could the man read my mind?_

_"Maybe." I slurred slightly._

_Edward pushed himself off the doorframe and took my hand, leading me into the apartment. The lights were off, the living room only lit by the moonlight. He closed the door behind him, and I pushed him gently back into it. _

_"Bella, what are you doing?"_

_"You said it yourself. This is a booty call, and I want my booty."_

_I ran my hands up his chest, nails lightly scraping his nipples as they passed by. He tossed his head back, banging it gently off the door behind, and let out a moan that went straight to my core. Wrapping my hands around the back of his neck, I pulled him to me for a kiss. The hesitation that was there dissolved, and he kissed me back with bruising, powerful kisses. I squirmed to be closer to him, the need for friction too great._

_"God, Edward. I need you."_

_My voice shocked him out of our kiss-fuelled haze, and his hand came to rest on my forearms, and held me still._

_"Bella, we can't do this."_

_I snorted at him. I could feel his hardness between us. "Believe me, we can! No problem." I moved to kiss him again, but he held me firm._

_"Bella," he warned me._

_I took a step back in rejection, my overwhelming need adding to the hurt and frustration. "You don't want me?"_

_Edward crumpled. "God, no, Bella, it's not that at all. Baby, you're drunk, and I don't want to see the regret on your face in the morning."_

_I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Why couldn't he just take me? Why the need for all this bubble wrap and reverence? I wasn't some little china doll with a 'handle with care' label. I was a strong, independent woman, who was horny as all hell and only wanted her boyfriend to fuck her. Was it too much to ask?_

_"You listen to me, Edward Cullen." I saw him gulp_.

That's right; your full name. Now you're in trouble, buster!

_"I'm not that drunk. In fact the feeling's returned to my fingers and toes. I'm very near sober." His face was passive, lips drawn into thin line. Time to try a different tactic. I pulled out the puppy dog eyes and nuzzled in close to his body. "I came to see you because I missed you. Your girlfriend has an itch only you can scratch." I scrunched up my nose — that sounded disgusting, but I was on a roll. "Please, Edward?"_

_I felt his body sag as he caved in to my demands. I smiled smugly to myself._

_"Fine, but the heels stay on."_

_I giggled loudly as Edward picked me up and carried me across the room. My giggle became a full on belly laugh as he threw me playfully onto the chaise lounge. Crawling over me, his gaze was dark and possessive. Strong, capable hands ran up my legs andfound their way under my skirt to the top of my panty hose, fumbling as they tried to find the entrance._

_"What the fuck is going on under there?" He pushed my skirt up further until it was around my waist. He looked at me, then my stockings, then me again. You'd think I was wearing grannie pants a la Bridget Jones. _

_"Jesus, Edward, they're just stockings."_

_I went to pull them down for him, but he batted my hands away. "No, I've never seen these ones before. You usually have the ones with the clippie things."_

_"It's cold alright." I tried to push my skirt back down in embarrassment, but he held my hands away. "I was having a' fat day' and wanted something to hold my stomach in." My voice was small, on the verge of tears._

_His eyes found mine, hand cupping my jaw. "You are beautiful, Bella, fat day or not. But, seriously, these have to go."_

_He took the top of them in both hands and tore them straight down the middle, yanking them off both legs until they were bare. He even took the time to remove my heels then put the back on. Who knew my man had a shoe fetish._

_"Better."_

_His show of strength brought the heat back, potential crying jag long forgotten. I flexed my body up into him, rubbing myself shamelessly in search of friction. But he held himself away, pushing my jacket awkwardly from my shoulders. His movements were fast, almost frenetic. I could hear his deep breathing, as if the very act of staying in control long enough to get me naked was an overwhelming effort. My earlier thoughts of rejection were long gone. _

_This man wanted me._

_His lithe fingers fumbled with the buttons of my shirt as I ran my hands up and down his back, feeling each clench of his muscles. Soon my shirt joined my jacket along with my bra. It seemed my skirt was to stay around my waist, but my panties had met the same fate as the stockings._

_Bruising kisses made their way up my torso, his five o'clock shadow brushing against my skin with each one. I clawed at his hair, needing something to hold on to as he took a nipple into his mouth. Teeth softly gnawed, not enough to hurt, but enough to show me what my nails had done to him earlier. Lightning shook through my body. I was so fucking close but he wasn't letting me get there._

_"Please, honey, please just fuck me." I dug my blunt nails into his back, causing him to hiss. _

_His gaze held mine. "Are you sure?"_

_"I'm not fragile. I'm just as tough as I've always been. You won't hurt me."_

_"I just don't want to..." He trailed off, looking away. So many emotions flitted across his face, but before I could catch them, they were gone. "I don't want to debase you."_

_I held back a snort. As if! "You listen, and you listen good. You could never debase me or make me feel anything near worthless. I love you. I love the way you love me. But, sometimes we need more. I want to show you passion, the raw connection I feel under the lovey-dovey snuggling stuff is wonderful, but right now, I just want you to fuck me...hard." I pulled my lip between my teeth and flashed him my 'good girl' eyes. Still he wavered, so I moved my feet, awkwardly trying to shuffle his sleep pants off his waist._

_Slowly, a coy, dangerous grin snuck across his face. My man finally got it. He threw the pants off before sitting back down and pulling me into his lap to straddle his thighs. His length was under me, sitting just between my lips. I rocked slowly, just testing the waters. The coy look was gone, in its place were clenched lips and dark, dark eyes. I hadn't seen this in so long. It was another piece of home sliding into place. _

_Edward thrust against me causing us both to call out. Our movements were frenzied and uncoordinated. Just trying to find what fiction, what relief, we could._

_"I swear to God, Edward. If you're not inside of me in the next ten seconds, I won't be responsible for my actions."_

_His strong hands suspended me above him. I squealed, more at the loss of contract. With one thrust, he dropped me down, so hard inside of me. My body sang out with deliverance. This was exactly where I wanted to be. Edward's grunt vibrated against me as he held my hip firm to stop me moving._

_"I just...fuck, I need a minute."_

_We stilled. Against everything my body was screaming at me, I waited. Peppering anywhere on his body I could reach with kisses, I felt him tense and relax before tensing again. He was hanging on by a thread._

_"Please," I begged in a whisper._

_Finally he started to move. Rough, deep thrusts hitting me over and over again. I could do nothing but try and meet him. I ended up just holding on, letting him do with me what he would. Harder and harder, each hitting that spot in me that only Edward could reach. Further and further I soared. The coil in my stomach as tight as could be, so close to springing the euphoria was near-painful._

_"Let go, baby. Let me see you come," he panted._

_"So close." My voice was more moan than actual tone. "Just..."_

_My fingers found my clit, rubbing hard. My body spasmed and then sunk into the contact. I yelped in shock when Edward slapped my hand away, replacing it with his own._

_"Mine!" he ground out._

_I snapped, screaming out his name as I tumbled and fell. Sparks and fireworks — all the clichéd things of romance novels. They were all true. I managed to open my eyes in time to watch Edward as he came; eyes screwed tightly closed, a look of almost pain on his beautiful features._

_As we came down, I held Edward's head as it rested in the crook of my shoulder, deep breaths panted out against my skin. I could feel his cum leaking out of me, and it wasn't exactly comfortable. I squirmed against him, his softening cock still inside of me._

_"Are you okay?" he mumbled against my skin._

_"Ummm. More than okay. I just..." I trailed off, feeling a blush sweep across my cheeks._

Sure, begging for his cock is fine, but the mention of bodily fluids, and I'm blushing like a nun.

_"What? Did I hurt you?" His eyes flitted over my torso, checking for marks._

_"No, I'm fine. It's just... seepage!" My eyes flashed to where were still joined._

_"Oh. Oh!" _

_He helped me off him and to stand. My legs were shaky, and I could feel the ache from their workout. Who needed a gym membership? I toed off my heels while he held onto me until I could hold myself up._

_"Shit, Bella, I did hurt you."_

_He motioned to the red, hand-shaped marks on my hips. Yep, they would bruise later. I smiled to myself. My man had marked me in the most delicious way. _

_"Hmmm, I kind of like them." His face was still pale and defeated. "They don't hurt." My hand cupped his cheek, bring his gaze to mine and away from the marks on my body. "One day, I'll mark you too. But it won't be here, where you can hide. I want everyone to see you're mine. Now, if you're finished spazzing out about this, I need to clean up. You're a messy pup."_

_As it turns out, Edward became a rough sex convert. His favorite place happened to be over the arm of the same sofa that started it all. In fact, that sofa replaced mine when he moved in with me. It was during one of those times that Emily finally learned the importance of knocking instead of just using the key under the mat. _

x-x-x-x

Edward's transfer to Seattle was pretty seamless, mostly due to Garrett's diligent efforts. Though Edward took full ownership of the Volturi account, we still worked in different parts of the office. Garrett was sure to make our conduct indisputable in case we were caught out by any tightening of HR policies. We both still reported to Garrett, but shared no clients or accounts. It made home life more harmonious as well. Though, Garrett had to call us into line a couple of times over our semi-playful competitive attitude towards the 'Employee of the Year' prize.

Zafrina had been a godsend in helping Edward and I with our communication. Slowly but surely we'd begun to grieve for our baby and move on. We knew losing a child, no matter how early, was something you never fully got over. But, in Edward's words, each day we woke up it hurt a little bit less until we could carry it without burden — without guilt. I'd forgiven him for his actions and could finally move on without the fear he would react the same way again. It hadn't been easy, but I'd wanted to reach that point so badly that I pushed myself.

A couple of months back, Edward and I drove back to Forks to visit our parents, Jake and Leah. We'd taken a day to ourselves to take a hike up the meadow we'd frequented as teenagers. A meadow that held the best of memories for us both. There we both laid flowers by a marked tree. Jake had been up earlier in the week to carve a beautiful memorial to our lost baby. The ornate carving was in the Quileute design and simply read _Baby Cullen _and the date of my miscarriage. As we lay in the clearing, Edward's head in my lap as he cried, we finally healed.

I'd even been to London. It had been our first vacation and a surprise for Edward for no particular reason at all. We stayed in a private apartment in Kensington, and I fell in love with the old high street and sense of community. He took me to the Notting Hill and Camden markets, we spent hours just wandering around the Victoria and Albert Museum and the Natural History Museum. Edward even relented and we spent the whole day in the Tower of London, though he drew the line at dressing up and having our photos taken as famous prisoners of the Tower. I met his friends and the enigmatic Eric Yorkie. He playfully tried to steal me away from Edward three times, but I fought long and hard for my man, I wasn't trading him for anybody.

Officially meeting Tanya in the flesh, and fully dressed was an experience. It'd been my idea that made Edward squirm with awkwardness before he finally relented.

_We met for dinner in Soho. Tanya, and her boyfriend, Laurent, were already waiting for us. The meal started out with the inept menu conversation followed by the equally bumbling conversation about wine choice. When we ran out of distractions, Tanya reached across the table and laid her hand on mine in a friendly gesture to catch my attention._

_"I just wanted to say I was sorry about the night we met in Seattle. I would have explained but you were gone before I even registered what the situation looked like. If I'd caught your name, I would have realized that you were the woman Edward had just spent nearly two hours waxing lyrical about."_

A month after we returned from our trip, we received a 'save the date' card for Tanya and Laurent's wedding. I knew Tanya and Edward had caught up a couple of times over Skype, even including me. I could see why they had been such good friends before they became something more. Tanya had a wicked sense of humor, but I was more than happy that we kept her as an occasional acquaintance. Plus I was kinda looking forward to seeing her parent's house in the deepest darkest English countryside. Edward promised that he would help bring a certain Jane Austen fantasy to life - though he drew the line at allowing me to call him Mr. Darcy.

Our relationship had been more than a little hectic recently, with the wedding and everything else, but I was beyond happy. In fact, happy was too understated a word to use. Alice's words of wisdom struck home more than I think even she intended. We didn't try to pick up where we left off all those years ago. Nor did we start at the beginning. We started somewhere in the middle. There were first dates, which were worth it just to see Edward all awkward and uncomfortable as he tried to work out if it was polite to kiss me goodnight at my apartment front door. Seeing my usually confident, strong, and occasional cocky, man all unsure of himself was so endearing I grabbed him by his jacket lapels and kissed him until we were breathless.

Luckily for me, six months after he arrived back in Seattle, Edward moved in with me so there was no need to linger at my apartment threshold — we entered it together.

x-x-x-x

"Bella, they said to stand." Edward gently nudged me out of my daydream.

I scrambled to my feet as the doors to the marquee opened. Even though I'd only seen her ten minutes before, in the receiving line, the sight of Emily in her dress still made me gasp. There was no doubt it was an Alice creation, as was my maid of honor dress of deep royal purple.

Garrett finally decided to make an honest woman out of my friend nine months ago in an unexpected, over the top, romantic gesture. They'd returned to Vail on a long weekend away to, as Emily subtly put it, 'recapture fond memories and ski'. Surprise, surprise, she'd been making mid-night trips to Garrett's cabin during our corporate retreat, while Lauren slept like the living dead. They'd ventured up one of the advanced runs and a little off the trail, Garrett had arranged a champagne picnic, on layers of insulated blankets, where he gotten down on one knee and asked her to marry him. On her return, Lauren and I squealed and gushed, did all the oohing and aching needed over the ring, until Em joked it would be me next. Edward and I had just found each other again, there was no way we were ready.

Everyone clapped as the stunning couple made their way to join us at the top table. They would be making some beautiful babies. The thought of babies had long stopped turning my stomach and making me freak out at the mere mention of them. However, my stomach turned for an altogether different reason.

I tried to concentrate on Garrett's brother as he made his best man speech. Unfortunately, my attention kept being distracted by Aidan, Alice and Jasper's beautiful baby boy, who was bouncing up and down on his dada's lap as only six-month old could do. He was currently distracted by some silent flashing toy as Jasper winced every time Aidan bounced too close to the family jewels. Emily and Alice had become firm friends during the design and production of Emily's dress. We'd seen so much more of them, with Alice and Jasper making frequent trips to Seattle to see the Cullen family. I'd become Auntie B, just another sign of how much I meant to their family, and them to me. Hopefully, I would be able to return the favor sooner rather than later.

"You okay?" Edward whispered, running his hand up and down my bare arm in comfort.

He'd been asking me that a lot the last couple of days. I couldn't deny it, I'd been a little quiet recently, and for the first time since we'd reunited, I told Edward a fib. "Yeah, just thinking. It's so good to see Alice and Jasper again."

Edward flashed me a goofy smile. My man was a sucker when it came to his nephew. "I can't believe how quickly Aidan is growing. You know, they are toying with the idea of moving back to Seattle?"

I flashed a silent exclamation with wide eyes and a wider grin. I would love nothing more than my other best friend back so close to me.

"It's in the early stages, but I think they're seriously considering it. They'll keep the New York studio and Alice will expand here."

It sounded a little more concrete than 'early stages' to me.

At last the speeches finished and the food was served. The sight of the appetizer made my stomach revolt, and by the time the main course was served I was desperate to make a break for it.

"Can you come with me?"

"But, Bella, it's Beef Wellington."

God, I nearly caved at his puppy dog eyes. "Please, it'll just take a second. I promise it will still be here when we get back."

He must have seen the desperation brewing in my eyes and nodded. I took him by the hand and led him out of the giant tent towards the main house of the grounds where the wedding was being held. Not an ideal setting, but my patience had run out.

"Bella, I can't go in there." He ground to a stop, jarring me back to his side.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm asking you to enter a woman's bathroom, Edward, not perform a cervical exam. Just get your butt in there."

"What if someone's in there?"

I smiled at his nervousness before rolling my eyes. Such a boy. "Edward, no one is going to be in there, they are all eating the amazing Beef Wellington that's just been served. The sooner you get your butt in there, the sooner you can get back to the main course."

He walked toward the door, hesitating before shuddering a little and taking a step inside.

After looking in every stall, checking to make sure my assumptions were correct, he turned to me. "What's going on? You've been acting weird for days, and don't fob me off with the "it's the wedding" excuse. You're tired, grouchy and you have no appetite what so ever. Are you sick? Do I need to call my dad?"

I cracked a smile at calling in Daddy C for this one. There was lots of time for that later.

"I'm not sick, I promise. However, I do want to try this out."

I reached in to my small clutch and pulled out a pen-sized object still wrapped in its cellophane packaging. Edward squinted at it before his eye lit up and his body almost started to vibrate.

"You think?"

I wanted to laugh at his high-pitched voice, but I was just as excited myself. I wanted this to be so different from last time. It already was. There was no feeling of dread as I realized what my body was trying to tell me. I was nervous at Edward's possible reactions, but I wasn't scared.

"You said it yourself. I'm always tired, my boobs hurt like bitch and the smell of coffee made me throw up. Not to mention the biggest one of all. I'm late. I haven't been late in over eight years."

He got my hint almost straight away. "Okay, okay. So, do you need to pee?"

"I've had four glasses of water. I've needed to pee since we sat down."

"Do you only have one test? I mean the accuracy has improved since we last did this, but I'd feel better with more than one test."

I grinned and reached back into my clutch and drew out another stick. "There wasn't room for the actual box."

Edward gently pushed me towards a stall. "I'm not going to watch you pee, but I'll hold your purse."

I managed to hike my dress up far enough and went to work, passing Edward each stick. Once I'd redressed, we counted down the three minutes on my cellphone. Some things didn't change with time.

It was pretty obvious what the result was. Bright blue crosses appeared quickly, proving once again, you can never be a little bit pregnant. Edward and I looked up, stupid grins on our faces. He picked me up and spun me around. I couldn't help but shout out. As soon as I did, Edward had me back on the ground.

"Shit, Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't even think. Are you okay?" he asked, patting me down as if checking for broken bones.

I laughed. So very different from the first time. I supposed I'd have to get used to an overprotective Edward. "I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm pregnant, not dying. You know what this means, right?" He shook his head. "There's a new Daddy C on the block." Edward smiled widely before his face blanched. "What?"

"The Chief is going to kill me!" Edward voice was back to being high pitched but this time from stress.

"What? Why? We've just given him his first grandchild."

"Yeah, but I promised him no shotgun wedding."

I quickly looked at the floor, a small smile on my face. Looking up at him through hooded eyes. "Is that what passes for a proposal, Cullen?"

"Was there ever any doubt, Swan?" He gathered me close, his chin resting on my head, one hand on my stomach.

"Never," I whispered.

* * *

**So that's it! I've grown so attached to this story and what it represents to me. I couldn't have done it without so many people. This isn't just my story, it was collaboration of so many people. Firstly, my readers and reviews…you have no idea how much you influenced and pushed me when writing this. My WC girls who 'made' me start posting this – Twilly and Kikki7, and JMolly and Oneofeddiegirls (who are also pre-readers most amazing!) and to my pre-reader MalloryKnoxx and beta-who-wields-the-multi-colored-pens Kibby. The unending support of EvilNat and Kennedy over at TLS…also Jamie Meredith and Monica on FB, who are amazing, both but crazy as a box of frogs. **

**This has been an amazing ride, but I am starting a new story, and participating in the PBT 2013 Challenge so put me on author alert if you want in.**

**Now where is that pesky complete button…**


End file.
